What makes someone a good husband? I've been thinking about this a lot recently. It's just DH is so demanding of me yet I feel I get so little in return. I never used to think of a relationship in such calculating terms, but I know he does- see below. I've spent 6 years being a SAHM to let him concentrate on his career. I do all the cooking, most of the housework (we have a cleaner and he'll occasionally load or unload the dishwasher), all the washing, all the admin, pay all the bills (with his money). He'll do shopping if I give him short lists. He'll take the kids to do activities at the weekends and occasionally will help with school lifts. But whenever he does anything he makes a big deal of it, like I owe him one. Most weekends, once he has transported the kids to to their activity and back and walked the dog (if he feels like it), he'll sit around watching sport and taking naps. I get some time to myself too, but I still have to do all the cooking, washing, gardening etc. and put up with his "well, how shall I spend my brownie points then?", by which he means he wants sex. And frankly, sex is not at all good for me and after 14 years together I have given up hope it ever will be. If I'm honest to myself, I don't think he cares how good it is for me, so long as he gets it. He is not good with people - often rude and abrupt - sits in a different room watching TV when we visit my parents; he doesn't really have any friends but can charm people if he likes them and finds them interesting. I can't entertain because he offers so little help (and with 3DC, job and stuff around the house, I don't often have the energy) and we are rarely invited anywhere. He lies to me about little things eg. how much he spent on his car, what the kids have eaten, how much he has had to drink.
The upside of this marriage, I hear you ask? He earns very well as he has a very successful career, lets me decide (on the main) how we spend the money and I have full access to his account; he is occasionally nice to the kids, he makes me laugh sometimes, can be charming when he wants to be, is loyal (I think) and wouldn't cheat. He provides me with companionship when I've finished all the chores. But actually, I think even given these points, I feel he takes more from the marriage than he gives. I don't feel valued or cared for. I am increasingly resentful and I don't want to continue having unsatisfying sex. He responds by becoming cold, helping even less, trying to bargain with chores. I went to a counsellor who told me to go back to work. I'm now working full time (on a third of the salary I had pre-children), but nothing has changed: the last 2 weekends I've put up a list of 3 chores for him to do on a Sunday: each weekend he has done only 1 of the 3 - basically the underlying message is I like it or lump it.
What do I do? This is the tip of the iceberg - there are other things, like his inability to deal well with stress, drinking too much several nights of the week (he's not a nasty drunk though), shouting and swearing at the kids if they don't do as they're told first time. I asked him to see a counsellor - he's been 2 or 3 times but says he doesn't have time and there's nothing wrong with him. If I insist, he gets angry and tells me to stop nagging and says he's stressed enough without something extra to do. Am I being unreasonable to think he is not a good husband? I can't spend another 15 years like this! What do people think? Thanks for reading!