Anyone ever NOT 'fallen out' with a very close friend but just drifted apart and just walked away?

[littlemisseatsherfeelings]

Just that really? I have a friendship which I am sure is failing as it feels very one sided. Have been trying for months to make an effort but the responses are like that which you get on the dating scene when someone wants to part company but doesn't have the balls to actually just tell you, so they're hoping you'll take the hint.

Anyway, this is - was - one of my best friends, bridesmaid at my wedding, in most of the memories and photos from the past decade with friends.

Can anyone share experience of a friendship dying and how do you cope with a) being dumped and b) things like your wedding photos all over the house with that person in them? Not suggesting I get on the photoshop apps but helpful tips of how to 'move on' I guess.

I'm being a bit light hearted I realise with that last comment but actually am devastated and am looking to talk to a therapist about it.

Share your experiences please?

I have had the experience you describe in your heading with a best friend of 25 years. What you go on to talk about is a bit different though, you are being dumped and you don't know why, that's horribly painful and hard to move on from. Do you have no idea at all why she's doing this?

For someone who has been a close friend for a long time, you just need to ask her. I know, not easy. But there could be a number of explanations for her behaviour. Unless you ask you'll never know.
I have a number of friends all over the world who I was onc very close to and now, because we live miles apart, the best we manage is perhaps a phone call every 6 months and meeting up once a year. Life moves on. It doesn't mean I don't love all of these friends dearly. We're just all busy with different lives and live too far away from each other to just meet up for a quick coffee. These days I spend my life with perfectly lovely people I see on the school run and local friends I've made through sports clubs etc. Most of them I've known for less than 5 years. I'd love to see more of my old friends, but sadly it's just not possible.
Now you're going to say that your friend lives locally. If that's the case, then it's a bit trickier to explain. Either way, you need to find the courage to ask her

I've had this happen a couple of times. One friend drifted apart from me because I took the decision to distance myself from her as she made very little effort. She was always so busy with her life (to be fair she had 2kids) but you get bored of always making the effort.
Another friend however, just seemed to stop bothering with me. She lives in my home town and we used to be close. When I moved, she often came to visit me. Then she split from her partner and her older daughter went travelling. She seemed to go off the rails a little bit. Every time I invited her to anything, she would make an excuse about childcare so I gave up in the end. I often wonder why. I do hope its not because I wasn't there for her enough when she went through her separation.
Strangely I got a random invite to her birthday party a few weeks back. So I sent her a message and got a nice long one back. I can't imagine we're be back to being close again though.
Sometimes people just drift apart because their lives change. Has she or you recently met someone?

Yeah I am just now letting an old friend do all the work as I have for the last 2 years. So if she doesn't contact me first then I don't either now. Was so fed up of organising seeing her only for her to cancel so now if it fizzles out I can firmly say - you never contact me.

Ok good point, I haven't given much history...

We first drifted apart when she met a guy nearly five years ago. At first she was quite sweet about the way things were in our lives in that she said she didn't want anything to change and was a bit hesitant to throw herself into the relationship (i.e we had our routine of nights we always saw each other and other social comforts etc) and I said to her don't be silly, if you like him you have to throw yourself into it and give it a proper chance. If we religiously watch x episodes every x night of the week I can live without that being so fixed if it means you get to know this guy and have more dates etc. I thought that was the right thing to do right? She'd been single for over 5 years and I genuinely wanted her to be happy and thought this was a good chance at that.

Problem is she threw herself so far into it and his group of friends that she went too far, I struggled to get anytime back with her at all. Any attempts to mix the two friendship groups failed. Anyway I kept being encouraging because I did think this was the real deal and (perhaps naively) thought that eventually we'd all click, all the chums around him and her would get a balance of time to spend with them after the 'getting to know you' phase had settled.

It didn't. She started to duck out of more and mor things with our friends and was committed for months in advance for events with them. I did have regular contact but mostly through msgs and overwhelmingly to be an ear and shoulder, it was a tumultuous relationship and I was there for the chats she needed which she obviously couldn't have with her new friends as they had a bias to him. Again (writing this down I am starting to realise I may be a bit dumb... genuinely thought I was doing the right thing as a friend) I listened and encouraged her and advised where possible. She said she loved him so I suggested things to try etc. There was never any man bashing or 'dump him!'

Long story but ends with them breaking up. He ended things a year and a half ago and they are still all friends and hang out in that same group every week. In the weeks and months that followed she knew she had me to talk to about him (again said she didn't think she could to his friends) but this seemed to be the only time I had with her
If she needed to vent, I let her but we never talked about much else. She would rarely ask me about myself. God I sound like a doormat.

In this time I have had a child and am now expecting my second. In the first 6 months of my first child's life I barely saw her. She should have been the best friend we all need to talk to at the difficult stage but she was in her new relationship. Since I've been pregnant again (6 1/2 gone now) she's asked me once how I am, and only in passing.

I looked at our msg history the other day and since march I have instigated everything conversation.

I think it would be obvious to site that our paths are different. I have had a child, she has gone back to the start again relationship wise. But I have constantly tried to suggest doing non child things. My husband is very supportive of me trying to keep this friendship and would let me spend time with her frequently, without my son, so she feels she has my full attention, isn't having to do kiddy things at kiddy times of day etc.

I've suggested going out out, staying in to chat and watch films, going on full days out.

I'm sure you are right that I just need to ask her directly. I imagine she has a different perspective to this all. But am terrified to.

Sorry that was SO long. Relationship stuff is rarely brief though...

Also meant to say yes she is local. I do have those lovely type of friends who are far away and rarely seen but messages keep us in touch and it is always fine when we do see each other, like we saw each other yesterday.

But this was my right hand woman, local best friend, saw a couple of times a week, who I called in an emergency, and vice versa. Fed each other's pets and plants when away, first to tell each other anything. People would always assume we knew where the other was and everything about each other and that we'd always both be at something together. That kind of closeness.

It's just gone.

So sorry to hear this. It is upsetting especially when you don't understand why. It could simply be that you have everything that she wants in her life - husband and children. I know some people find this hard to deal with. Do you think this might be part of it?

Maybe. I've never thought (or wanted to think) that way because I thought it would be patronising. I don't know. I don't think I have a perfect life and certainly don't pitch it to her that way. If anything I envy her freedom sometimes! :)

So do you think that even if I keep trying to make an effort that our lives are too different now to work out? It seems awfully sad to think that parents can't have friends who aren't parents? Is it purely about that? :(

I thought we had a lot in common outside of relationship status (interest in baking, crafts, places to visit, similar taste in things we watched). Maybe not anymore. I'd have to spend time with her to know...

God I just want to curl up and hide. I'm so embarrassed at how pathetic this reads. How do you delete...

Its not pathetic at all, in fact I think you sound like a lovely friend and its a pity more are not like you.

You don't have to have a perfect life but I do know that sub-consciously it does affect some friendships. I have a single friend who is great but never asks about my DC or gets involved with them. She has never met anyone and is too old to have kids now, so I put it down to that.

She may simply see you have settled down with children now so just doesn't feel that connected to her.

To be honest, unless you actually ask her outright then you have to decide whether to just give up and walk away, or keep being the one chasing her all the time. That does nothing for the self esteem. If ou are as upset as you see, why don't you drop her a message just asking if she is ok and that you feel she is a bit distant from you and can you help. You can just make it sounds like you're making sure she is OK, rather than worrying you sound needy (you're not).

Ok. Be brave and talk to her or walk away quietly. These are my two choices.

Don't think I will ever know for certain, even if I do ask I don't think I'll get a straight answer so there will be an element of life where I always worry about how good/shit a friend I am and that terrifies me.

Thank you for the words of wisdom.

That is the long and short of it. As is often the case with 'drifting apart' then its unlikely she will be 100% honest. However, this would tell me the problem is with her and not you.
She is losing a lovely friend and sounds like you've done all you can.
Hurtful as it is, I'd be inclined to just walk away and stop the contact. If you never hear from her again then she isn't as good a friend as you thought. If she really cares, she will eventually get in touch.

It may be a mix of two things: that she was a great friend when your lives were similar but she's not willing to put the work in when your lives are in different places, and that she's mostly moved on and comes back to you for comfort. Perhaps her underlying character is possibly a bit selfish, if she can't give as well as receive nowadays.

In a real friendship there are ebbs and flows of course, but when the giving is flowing all one way for some times - the balance of interest and sharing and it's time for the giver to take a long look at what's going on, decide whether it's worth sticking it out or to step back and see if -she- makes the running, once you have stopped doing it all the time.

Sometimes friendships run their course.
Although it's not a romantic relationship, your feelings are still involved and it hurts to be abandoned, rejected or just eased out of someone's life.
Know that you have done all you can and that it's not your fault. Be gentle on yourself and give yourself time to get over this friendship.
You can/may keep in touch with each other but it'll probably never be as it once was.

Thank you for your replies. I feel completely heartbroken. I have for a long time and am angry with myself and embarrassed that after all this time I've not resolved things and/or brought these feelings to an end. Even if it means the end of the relationship. I cry on a daily basis, I think I have slipped back into depression (I'm not using the word lightly, I'm coming from experience) and I just made the mistake of googling whether stress or depression can cause you to lose your baby.

I know this is the end. Just struggling to accept it. It's just such an immense failure to accept. But it's been 4 years of disintegration I should have accepted it sooner. Too embarrassed to talk to anyone I know. Hence being on here.

Of littlemiss, you are giving yourself far too hard a time about this

From what you've posted, she sounds like a user, a taker. She seems only interested in what suits her at any given moment. You suited her - or what you had to give suited her, then along came a bloke and his group of friends and she ditched you without a backward glance. No wait, not quite: you were good to dump on but that was all. User, taker.

I highly doubt she would be receptive to a convo about your friendship. What would she get out of that? Nothing. My guess is she would dump you forthwith: no longer any use.

Shocking eh. There really are people like this about. Some people just aren't very strong (weak), would like to be decent people but can't quite pull it off. In essence, they cba. Too much effort, not enough gain.

Meanwhile, you can maintain the ebb and flow, the give and take, of normal relating. You know when to give and you know when to take. You are mindful of and sensitive to the other persons feelings. Not so your 'friend'. She is likely only mindful of what is useful to her.

There are hoards of people like this about.

Your shame is misplaced. Your shame about loving her, expecting an adult give and take friendship, is misplaced. It is she who has not played fair. You sound absolutely lovely, kind, caring, a lovely soul. Some people are too thick, too self absorbed, to recognise the jewel before them.

I mean it. Don't be ashamed of feeling very hurt - friendship failure can be the most excruciating of all.

Take it easy. Be kind kind kind to your sweet self. You deserve it.