I'm so sad and cross please give me advice.

[Startoftheyear2017]

I started reading MN last October and everyone's advice and experience had been incredibly helpful as I've dealt with my DH of nearly 21 years telling me he's been unhappy for years and wants to leave me and our 4 DC.

We had couples counselling for a few months, but he stopped that after Christmas. He sees his own counsellor now and I'm seeing the couples person, who I like. Last night he told me he wants to leave. He claims not to have a plan about what he wants to do next. We've agreed not to tell the DC until after the summer exams. They are 18, 16, 13 and 8.
I thought we had a brilliant relationship and a happy, fulfilled life, but I was totally wrong it seems. Now I've seen the 'script ' I know I'm not alone. No OW yet but i know that's likely. I'm so cross. I haven’t been as I was hoping it was all a bad dream. But now I am. I've found a SHL so plan to see her next week.
My self-respect and pride are taking a battering. I'd really value advice and support from the wonderful people on MN.

I do hope there's justice for this one day. I folded all his clothes out of the dryer this afternoon. A few hours after he had taunted me about feeling a bit unstable and turning to anti-depressants. This is a crazy life I'm living at the moment!

Hi Start. You're doing brilliantly.

About telling the children: ours are younger (5 and 7) so they didn't really understand. We told them that Daddy was getting a new place. Then after he had moved into it, dd1 realised that this meant we weren't together. It was a gradual thing that didn't seem to be painful for them at all because they didn't lose either of us. I hope.

I'm afraid that I think a lot of men are just weak and just expect life to be more fun that it necessarily is with work, financial pressure, dependent children. I don't have much respect for my ex because I think he just decided he could have more fun without me and left me with much of the responsibility. It is easier without him, because he was being so sullen and resentful about the pressures of life (as if I had invented them). But it would have been nice to have supported each other instead. He chose to leave and I don't think much of that decision.

It's easier all the time. My world was very sad and regretful for a while but the fun creeps back in, bit by bit. My children are my angels of fun really and I am often grateful for them for bringing absurdity and love into my life.

I don't regret anything because of them. I loved him, I loved him too much for who he was really. But he was something I had to do to have my children.

Although it was calmer and more peaceful to do it this way, I do rather regret not kicking him out at once, but letting him hang on for months while he bought a place. He had a separate room. I feel bad in terms of role modelling a terrible "relatinoship" and I also feel a bit of a mug in that I have done a lot and put up with a lot for his convenience. I am not vindictive though. I don't see the point in inconveniencing my children's father for the sake of it. But I know he takes my reasonableness for granted and sometimes I just want to say fuck you.

If I were you I'd take control of the situation and set your lawyer on him. He's going to have to help you support those kids.

I'm 6 years post break up now. There wasn't a script for mine, no OW, just an arse of an XH! We get on fine now, hang out with each other's families at Xmas & kids birthdays etc, all very amicable. He wasn't cut out to be a husband or dad. The latter he can't change, so he does as little as he can get away with!

As for telling the DCs, we tried a few months before the big split, but DS1 who was about 9 at the time, was so distraught, he was shaking and wrote us a lovely letter about how devastated he was and begging us not to split up our family. I felt so bad for him that we did try to make it work, but it wasn't to be.

I think the previous almost-split and the general animosity before the real one meant that nobody was surprised. It was after a holiday (one of the most stressful times right?!) and we got home, had a massive row and I told him to leave. It took a few weeks, which were awful for us all, but once he'd gone and we all settled into our new spaces we were all much calmer and happier.

It must be hard for you, not feeling that there were any problems with your relationship. He must have been covering up a lot of ill feelings very well or he is rewriting the past to suit his narrative. Unless he is a Hollywood actor I'd bet it's the latter!

I agree with many posters on here. Tell your DCs, let them work through their anger and grief, support each other and plan for a happy future. There is never a good time for this news - it's always someone's birthday, Christmas, Fathers' Day etc - we limped along for years like this, just scraping past one occasion to the next! You H is being unfair expecting you to deal with this while putting on a brave face, not being able to show affection or act normally around him. Kids aren't daft, they will know something is up, and often the worry is worse than what is really happening. They will resent you both for keeping them in the dark, lying to them that you were still a family when they could sense that something was wrong. Fuck what your H wants to do, honesty is important for families to build trust.

You will come out the other side of this happy and independent. It can be a great feeling being the head of the house on your own, as daunting as it seems to start with. I'm a happier, funnier and more rounded person than I was with XH and you can be too.

An update on my situation - though I don't know if any of you will see this. You were all correct! An OW has come to light. I found naked photos and screenshots on his IPad of special messages that he obviously decided to treasure.
He denied and denied, but I knew the truth. Finally I confronted him. He's acting like nothing is his fault but I've referred to the affair in the petition.
I am still up and down emotionally. It's been a crazy few weeks since my first posts on here.
I have amazing friends and family but I am very grateful to everyone on MN who has taken the time to reply. You are very sensible, kind and thoughtful people.

Oh poor you! At least you know for sure now. These MN ladies always know. The script is absolutely obvious once you know about it. I hope you are ok and have some RL support

Oh bloody hell

Unfortunately so many posters on here find an OW in the picture. And it's always so fucking galling to know that some so-called "decent" men are nothing but out and out cunts.

This may sound strange, but all this time when he was taunting you and stringing you along and re-writing history: you can now definitively say that he was gaslighting you and that nothing you could have done would have changed this arsewipe's behaviour. You know those niggling doubts you had, which you never should have had in the first place? Well, they should have all cleared off. Hopefully you can believe everyone when we say that none of this is your fault.

Now all you have to do is take the lying, manipulative, cheating piece of shit to the cleaners

OP 2 years on and life is great now. I won't say there wasn't hard times but he's just not worth it.

I am so sorry for this terrible blow you've received. But I beg you, please don't talk poorly about your husband to your children. Encourage a close relationship between them and your DH. I've been through a divorce and the feelings can be so raw, but sharing negative feelings about him to your kids will only hurt your KIDS. You'll make it through, I promise.

Thanks so much. All your posts are brilliant and wise. I can't see light at the moment, but I'll believe it might come. Thanks again.

It's there- I promise. It might be a tiny speck, and you might be surrounded by fog, but it's there.

Sadly the last few months have shown what he's really like. Surely you must believe you deserve better? You are going to be so, so much happier than you are now.

I'm so very sorry Start It won't be so much fun for them now the cat is out if the bag.
Time for you to get angry & him to pack his bags. Use that anger to move forward. Don't make excuses for him. He's a grubby little man who is no longer the person you loved and chrished - you owe him nothing.
The light will come, make sure you keep well so you can deal with this & support your children.
Keep posting, we're here to support you x

I'm so sorry, how predictable and the denying must have made you seen him in a different light.Very tough to handle as you have to let know of the man you thought you knew and trusted.

It will get better

start
we are here for you - it really helped me to chat on here. Loads of advice and no question too silly!

Morning all. Another update. We told the children at the end of June. They all had no clue it was coming and were truly shattered. Especially our eldest who just cried and cried. Things have calmed since then but we don't talk about how they feel as much as I'd like. I've arranged for some of the kids to see a counsellor. Reading posts on MN I realise they may worry about talking to me and upsetting me. STBXH (very happy to finally type that) refuses to move out. We've been in mediation and through that process he's agreed to go by 1 December. He insists our youngest wants him to stay. He barely has a relationship with the older three DC. Friends and family continue to be amazing, MN continues to provide a lifeline. I'm off on holiday with the kids for a week at the end of the month. That will be weird. It feels like we're moving on, but just very, very slowly. I just want him out of my life now.

Is he seeing the OW? Have you managed to resolve finances?

Getting support for the children is sensible, my youngest wants someone who is not dad or mum to talk to as it's a neutral person.
Good luck with the holiday.

That must be hell having to live with him. Sorry you and your kids are going through that

Thanks for the update. You are doing really well. You should get counselling for the kids AND for yourself. My son went to anger management which really helped him.

Your EXH is such a creep for trying to manipulate you about your youngest.

Roll on 1st December but I hope he leaves sooner. If you haven't already done so stop washing/ironing his clothes, sorting paperwork and administration etc.

It is great that you have support. Enjoy your holiday, you deserve it!