I'm so sad and cross please give me advice.

[Startoftheyear2017]

I started reading MN last October and everyone's advice and experience had been incredibly helpful as I've dealt with my DH of nearly 21 years telling me he's been unhappy for years and wants to leave me and our 4 DC.
We had couples counselling for a few months, but he stopped that after Christmas. He sees his own counsellor now and I'm seeing the couples person, who I like. Last night he told me he wants to leave. He claims not to have a plan about what he wants to do next. We've agreed not to tell the DC until after the summer exams. They are 18, 16, 13 and 8.
I thought we had a brilliant relationship and a happy, fulfilled life, but I was totally wrong it seems. Now I've seen the 'script ' I know I'm not alone. No OW yet but i know that's likely. I'm so cross. I haven’t been as I was hoping it was all a bad dream. But now I am. I've found a SHL so plan to see her next week.
My self-respect and pride are taking a battering. I'd really value advice and support from the wonderful people on MN.

[Dozer]

He doesn't get to decide: you can decide, after a lot of reflection, what's best for the DC, and you.

As for the Qs not being answered: those arrangements are for him to sort out asap.

[Cricrichan]

Well he should have thought of that and waited to tell you! The bastard wants you to shoulder all this! I'm pretty sure there's an OW involved op so really just do what you think is right for you and your kids. I'd make him move out and that way you can relax in your own home and be there to support the kids. If they see you happy they'll be fine.

[sofato5miles]

Come on! What an artogant idiot. He is the one initiated and chose the timing.

I would get him out instantly. Invent a project overseas if he has to, but i would rather tell the truth.

Actions have consequences and your role is not to help him but to help yourself.

[Dozer]

He wants, having dropped a bomb on you, to have his cake and eat it: sharing a bedroom! Leaving as/when he feels like it.

Inconsiderate and disrespectful of you.

[Coughingchildren5]

There will be another woman.

He is resisting telling the children because it will affect his comings and goings. He doesn't seem to care a bit about this eating you alive for several months and the effect that will have on the children.

[Bones2017]

Lots of love Start,
I'm 4 months post H leaving and hopefully I've been through the worst.
My advice would be to tell him to go now and go low contact. Start healing and don't prolong your agony.
Take control. Xx

[GeorgeTheHamster]

"He thinks we shouldn't as they will be so sad"

What's all the "we" business? This isn't your doing. He has decided to do this. He has decided to tell you. Now he expects you to dance to his tune while he decides when he wants to leave. He expects you to make it all ok. Well you can't. He'll have to face up to the consequences of his decision. There will never be all the details worked out, whenever he goes it will be a process of change. He will have to find a flat asap and it may be temporary. He should have thought of that. He can't expect you to make his arrangements for him as you presumably have been doing all these years. He'll have to do it himself.

Make him go on the first day of the Easter holidays. That gives the kids time to get their heads round it a bit before they go back to school. Screw him, he goes to the bottom of the priority list.

What's his suggestion - well done on finishing your A levels, I'm off now?

Tosser.

[Startoftheyear2017]

Thanks all. He is a tosser! I love how my phone wants to autocorrect that to 'toaster'.

[GeorgeTheHamster]

I went through this in my eldest child's GCSE year. I found the build up to him leaving worse than the time afterwards, which was pretty calm tbh. It's shit for the kids, but it will be whenever it happens and the adjustment for them takes a good long while. As I said, I'd get him out at the start of the Easter hols. Can you take your kids away while he moves his stuff?

[Dozer]

He might well refuse to move out. Legal advice important.

[Startoftheyear2017]

Long chat this evening as i want to tell the DC and He doesn't. He was really horrible. Lots of snide comments about our life and references to my MH and my decision to get AD recently. I don't have MH problems. The kind, caring man I knew is long gone. There's a cruel, angry person in his place. He's sleeping on the floor tonight and hopefully future nights.
He says he plans to live in the house for a very long time. It felt like a threat. I said he was very welcome. A hand with the childcare would be good! Ugh don't know how this will unfold. He's definitely playing with my head. Lots of mentions about how the break-up is my fault. He was unhappy for so long. And he swears there's no OW, but won't let me see his Whatsapp or Facebook Messenger. Lying git.

[Jodieone]

Get copies of all important financial documents. Payslips, P60s, credit card statements, pension forecasts etc. Keep them in a safe place or round a trusted friend's house. If it is defo heading for divorce, put in for a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour & get in first. This way you control the divorce progression. I hope you have got the best SHL you can afford, because it will be well worth it in the long run. Make sure you have access to funds to pay for the SHL, so that might mean taking out half of any money held in a joint account & putting into your own separate account. Only take half, so you can not be accused of wrong doing. Do not put in for the final stage of the divorce until you are happy with the financial settlement. Try & get him to move out after the children have finished their exams, for him to have 'a good think' whilst you plan your next steps. I would suggest staying in the FMH for as long as possible whilst you decide what is best for you & the children. You obviously did not set out to be a single parent & his selfish lack of concern for the rest of the family (you and the children) should not make things any more upsetting for you all than is absolutely necessary. Keeping the home will be a stable factor for a while. I went through this some time ago & it was devastating. Life goes on & I see a much brighter future for myself, have met a wonderful new partner & hear how much grief my XH is getting from his new partner - she is nasty, needy and very high maintenance. Not quite the prize he was expecting when he left me for her! I smile to myself, as I realise he is getting all the punishment he deserves without me lifting a finger. The only lasting sadness for me is the way my children have been affected. It is tough on them & it continues to be so.

[weatherbomb]

So sorry you're going through this OP. Perhaps his reluctance to move out is linked to OW having to sort out her living arrangements? Either she doesn't want him moving in or is married/LTR & hasn't told her partner. This could backfire on him rather spectacularly & I hope it does.
In the meantime, you're doing brilliantly.
He however has now shown you who he is, so please listen. He is not your friend & will try to screw you over. Details of his pensions, savings, salary etc for advice from SHL & take control. It's really hard, but he's shown you how little respect he has for you and your family. Let him fend for himself, tell him to sleep elsewhere & I personally would tell.the kids. He wants to spin a sob story, he can fuck right off. He's no longer a priority. Look after yourself

[Startoftheyear2017]

Thanks for the helpful comments. Can people please share how and when they told their DC? And what questions the DC asked in that first conversation?

[Jodieone]

I did wait until the end of the school year, but I had the bomb shell drop at around the start of June. I took over the conversation with the kids and covered for him. Said mum & dad wanted to be friends & still cared for each other but not enough to stay married. Big mistake. He told them lots of negative things about me afterwards, tried to re write history & say the marriage had been a mistake for him & was always not quite right etc. We are talking about a 20+ year relationship! I have kept love letters & photos just to remind myself it is all rubbish - he changed his story to suit his new circumstances. Whilst I remained dignified & never bad mouthed him, he told the children I'd been controlling etc. It was all to make him not the 'bad guy' and to shift the blame. Although he denied it at the time, he had been having an affair, it was as simple as that. When he did leave, he moved in with her, straight from my house, but told the DC they had been 'just friends' until that point.

I would sit the children down & tell them that their dad doesn't want to be with you anymore, but he still loves them. Say that he will be sleeping on the sofa until he finds somewhere else to live & when he moves out you will all have a meeting to talk about how often the DC will see him & work out a schedule that suits you all. How did it go with the SHL?

[Bones2017]

The rewriting of history is heartbreaking in itself. We'd just been to Disney world and my h had a completely different recollection of our holiday! I thought it was magical. He says we argued. We didn't. Family holidays were rubbished by him. We'd not been happy for years apparently and he'd managed to convince his family of this too. It was all a shocking blow to me.
He put me on a road of complete self blame. He accused me of having an affair! Complete rubbish! He went through my phone and found what he felt were reasons to distrust me. He was very angry at me too. Again, it was all rubbish.
In the 6 months before the bomb, I'd had my gut telling me there was something going on but he'd convince me I was mad and needed to start the gym again or even see my GP!

He was impotent with me at times
His porn use increased
The wedding ring came off
He was home late from work and the business trips increased
He started weekly haircuts
Secretive with his phone and internet history
He'd ignore me or create tension
He'd sit in another room in the evenings to 'relax' after a hard day
I wasn't invited to his most recent Xmas do
He'd opened a secret Facebook account (he hated Facebook)
He opened another bank account solely in his name and moved a lot of money into it
He got payday loans to hide what money was missing
What's app messages at times
But my gut told me. And I let him convince me otherwise. I wish he'd have just been honest and I would've helped him pack.

You need to take control and get him out. He will have another woman. Or at least someone he's interested in. And whilst he's thinking of that opportunity he won't be thinking of you at all. That rejection is also very hard to deal with and process. These men are being led by their infatuation unfortunately for something/one new and shiny.

Protect yourself. He's not your friend anymore
Xxx

[Bones2017]

Another thing to note - now I've come to believe that these men are weak. They've just been tempted. I don't think my husband stopped loving me. I just think he got tempted elsewhere and has become in a fog.
But whatever it is, that's for him to realise. I've got my 2 girls to protect. X

[TapOut]

The kids might not be as upset as you think. I wasn't when my parents split. I knew they would both be there for me and that I wasn't the cause so I just got on with it. I was close to both parents but I think I was more concerned with 'me' . I was a good teenager but I still had that teenager thing of the world revolving around me. Iyswim

[Bones2017]

With regards to telling my kids (7&3), he left that completely to me the coward. In the first 3 months, he'd tell them he may come home still but wasn't sure.
From my end, I told the girls that it was his decision to leave and not mine. But that we both still loved them very much. I also told them that I still loved their dad too.

4 months in, me and the girls are happier now than when he was here. We have fun because we aren't suppressed by his created atmosphere.

They tell me they love me more than ever. We have fun. I'm still sad that he couldn't or wouldn't work things out. But then I also believe that if she wasn't in his head then things would've been completely ok.

Men don't leave unless they have something to comfort them on the other side of the fence. X

[Blossomdeary]

It is important that you do not let your self-respect and pride suffer. You are not responsible for your OH's feelings and decisions. You are the same person you always were and you should hold your head up high.

[Startoftheyear2017]

Thanks all. Jodieone your words resonate almost exactly with my experiences. What about the questions the DC will ask? Will they listen or will they cry during it all? There are 4 of them and I don't know how they will each take the news.

[Clockwork97]

Hi start
I have to agree with all jody has said and get all copies of all financial documents. Great posts jody and bones
As you know start I have had this happen to me and are stories are very similar. I agree that you need to start trying to take control of this and start making some time frames on how long you will tolerate this.
As for the children,we gathered them all together and told them so they had each other to lean on and ask questions.
My STBXH didn't want to tell them , bloody coward , BUT I made him.
He wanted me out of the room so he could feed them some lies. I refused. He just said he needed " space " and denied OW, but we all knew at the time it was lies.
He left then for me to pick up the pieces and I just used to let them come and talk individually to me .
I was open and honest and it was shattering for them but there really is no easy way to break the news.
Mine knew it was coming as he was staying out etc.
Yes they have cried and sometimes we have cried together.
But just let them know you are there for them , thinking of you xx

[Bones2017]

These men have to live with the guilt of their devastation for the rest of their lives. And I hope they do. Meanwhile, we can be happy again (at some point). Xx

[user1490789733]

I had a similar situation 10 years ago. I am a guy and felt that I was completely taken for granted - we have 3 lovely daughters. My wife and I were very distant for a couple of years. And to make matters worse, she had a close female friend who I am certain was lesbian. This other woman tried to take my wife away from me. Because of all that plus various work / business problems, I had a breakdown which took 6 years to get over. But time is a great healer. The other woman dropped my wife because she wasn't getting what she wanted [basically sex].

Our relationship has improved massively and now we get on very well and are aware of why we are together. [I love her so much]

What is his work situation? My psychiatrist told me that men cannot cope if both home and work are not ok.

I also felt ignored and kicked around. Expected to provide everything and do everything and ordered about like a child. But I am fully aware of how much she was having to cope with - 3 teenaged daughters plus a difficult job. Mid life can be really horrible at times. What I wanted was ATTENTION, from ANYBODY!! She had this from her close friend. I did not have an affair because I do not believe it is right [plus I'm ugly!].

What got us through was a belief that the only thing that really matters is the family. No individual can be more important than the family unit. This is not the flavour of the age - it tends to be self, self, self.

Does he have any idea what he really wants? Looking back, I did not. I just felt: "Stop the Earth, I want to get off". I hit the bottle [and it hit me back].

Hang in there - divorces are costly in so many ways...........the most important being emotionally - damaging your kids.
.

[Clockwork97]

Yes bones , they have to live with their guilt and the devestation they have caused.
Mine has to live with the fact he made little or no time for his children and as our children are teenagers they have made their own decision to see him when it now suits them which isn't that often
I don't think mine has that much guilt as he is off spending los of money on his younger woman and living the high life.
I find it so hard that I have had to pick up the pieces and try to help my children through the crap. I've had sell the house on my own ,initiate the divorce, him dragging his heals at every point .
All I want like we all do is move on and find some peace and contentment for myself and DC.
Let's hope so ladies😃