I'm so sad and cross please give me advice.

[Startoftheyear2017]

I started reading MN last October and everyone's advice and experience had been incredibly helpful as I've dealt with my DH of nearly 21 years telling me he's been unhappy for years and wants to leave me and our 4 DC.
We had couples counselling for a few months, but he stopped that after Christmas. He sees his own counsellor now and I'm seeing the couples person, who I like. Last night he told me he wants to leave. He claims not to have a plan about what he wants to do next. We've agreed not to tell the DC until after the summer exams. They are 18, 16, 13 and 8.
I thought we had a brilliant relationship and a happy, fulfilled life, but I was totally wrong it seems. Now I've seen the 'script ' I know I'm not alone. No OW yet but i know that's likely. I'm so cross. I haven’t been as I was hoping it was all a bad dream. But now I am. I've found a SHL so plan to see her next week.
My self-respect and pride are taking a battering. I'd really value advice and support from the wonderful people on MN.

[Clockwork97]

i can only reiterate all the fabulous advice you have received already.
I've been in your situation as you know from the other thread we both posted on.
Just wanted to send you a big hug and 🌺xx

[Startoftheyear2017]

Thanks for all your comments. It's so helpful to hear from people who've been through this. I'm bracing myself for the evening at home after a day at work. I'm worried about everything tbh!

[Angrybird123]

Two years on here. I won't say it's a bed of roses at all but compared to where i was when he fucked off (very openly with ow in my case) I am a million times better. 100% agree that the most hurtful thing is the attempt to effectively blame you by making it your fault he was miserable and your fault he 'has' to leave . Hang in there and above all don't forget he is no longer on your side, your team, not that of the kids. Don't be surprised if very quickly once the legalities start things get hostile. It's awful and unimaginable but they usually have a very unrealistic or no idea about what the practicalities look like and once that kicks in all the promises to see everyone right disappear. My ex promised me point blank that of course he wouldn't only pay the minimum. Guess what.... good luck x

[Startoftheyear2017]

I'm really dreading that side of things. It feels so unfair that he calls the shots when he's the one leaving the family.

[Angrybird123]

He doesn't call the shots. Thats the point of the SHL. Unfortunately though , no, their choice to implode the family doesn't have any bearing on the legal side.

[Startoftheyear2017]

My heart is breaking. I know that's such a dramatic sentence, but it really is. I can't think about anything else. My heart races uncontrollably.
If I thought there was an easy way out I would take it. We're talking more and I feel able to express my frustration and lack of ability to understand his point of view.
He's going away this weekend and that will give him time to reflect. I want him to give the counselling more time. I'm worried I'm just delaying the inevitable, but I feel as if I have to try everything. I cannot give up as I believe he is making a terrible mistake. I hope I'm right...

[Adora10]

Sorry but you need to take a step back; believe what he is telling you, I'd suspect OW.

Do not beg or make things so cushy for him now, he's told you he wants to leave the relationship, believe him.

If he wanted to save it he would, really he would.

Sorry but you need to carry on as though you are separating, why is he even still there?

[Startoftheyear2017]

Thanks Adora. I think because things have escalated quickly. We started counselling in June last year. Stopped early January. Then he started his own counselling. He only made it clear that leaving was really real this weekend. 20 years (married), more together, 4 DC, it feels like we should really be sure before going separate ways.
But I think you're probably right. I'm desperate for it to continue. I really am. I'm a strong, independent woman. I work, I have great friends and family, but I love him. We had a great relationship. We had 4 children. We had plans for a life together until death. I know from threads on MN I have to accept that's all wrong and the past, but if there's a glimmer of hope then I will follow it. What do you think?

[Bansteadmum]

I think it's be better to assume he means it and won't change his mind, and see a lawyer and separate asap.

Playing the "pick me dance" seems grim. There will be more chance of him having an epiphany (veru unlikely) if you take control and remove the option of staying with you - let him see what he has lost, face the reality of his choice.

[Cary2012]

OP, I could have written your post six years ago.

Twenty years of marriage, three teenagers, two of which about to take exams.

He no longer loved me, there was no one else, etc etc...

Both about to turn fifty.

Decided to wait until Summer holidays to tell the kids (this was April).

Couldn't cope with it, it was bloody awful. He became so cold and detached it broke my heart. The kids knew things weren't right.

Long story short, I flipped one night, packed his bags and chucked him out, filed for divorce the following week. Felt better immediately, because I had control.

Atmosphere improved at home immediately. Kids got through it, passed GCSEs and Alevels.

Other woman crawled out of the woodwork within weeks of me chucking him out. They'd been seeing each other for years.

Think there's OW here. As my SHL said "men don't give up what he's giving up to sit alone in a bedsit and eat Pot Noodles".

In a nutshell, teenagers know more than you think, you need to take control and put yourself first. Also, kids are incredibly resilient.

[Startoftheyear2017]

Hi Cary, any particular reasons that you now feel might have made the DC manage better? Anything I can start doing now that will help when we tell them? I worry that they just have no clue. We have appeared to be totally functional and normal. Even making more time for each other (which was lovely).
There's a family joke about how honest I am and it tears me up to lie to them and keep up the pretence. One friend has suggested we tell our eldest, but I can't see any value in that.

[Cary2012]

My dc managed better than I expected. Part of this was seeing me ok, and I was much stronger after I took control. They draw strength of you, you draw strength from them, well that's how we got through it. It was horrendous in the months before he left. He would walk in a room, I'd go out...he'd sleep in our room, I'd have the sofa, we'd do this for a week and swap, I stopped doing his laundry, his ironing, cooking him meals. He'd stay out all night and switch his phone off...it was so much better when he went.

Practical help, I told the kids' Head of Years, I never bad mouthed their father to them, I encouraged them to see him as much as they wanted to. Mostly, we just got on with it. Not easy but a hell of a lot better than sticking it out and pretending all was well.

If I was you, and this is just my take on it, I'd tell ex that you are both going to tell the kids at the start of the Easter holidays. This will give them a couple of weeks to get used to it. There will be tears, but they'll happen anyway.

The crucial thing here is you. If you can wait, without it breaking you, then wait. I couldn't do that, it broke me. Good luck x

[Startoftheyear2017]

Very helpful, thanks. Easter break is an option. One DC has a full set of A levels, another has an AS level and mocks. All this has derailed me so much I'm scared it will blow them off course too. Hard choices.

[Cary2012]

I get how you feel, but please don't be too selfless: what I mean is you have a long road ahead, and you will get there, but you absolutely must put yourself up on the priority list. You will probably end up as the main parent; you won't be up to this unless you think about what is best for you.

So, if you wait until post exams, will that be better? What about possible re-sits? Uni?
Thing is, there is no right time. But remember this, the sooner they know, the sooner you all heal.

I won't sugar coat this, a break up is brutal. But if you are anything like me, right now you feel on the edge of a precipice, waiting to be pushed off and that is awful, scary and frightening. I firmly think that you need to take control of your future, have faith in your kids and remember them knowing soon, with a mum in control and coping, is a far better prospect than a broken mum who has lived a lie, fretting about the moment when the bomb is dropped.

[Wallywobbles]

I am a huge believer in honesty and i would tell them now. They are at school, so they have support and access to counseling. Exams are only going to get closer not further. But, don't drip feed. Rip the plaster off and tell them as much as possible. Your stbxh needs to leave then though otherwise it'll be much worse for everyone.

Don't say we don't love each other say Dad doesn't love me he says he is miserable but of course he still loves you. Don't make yourself a martyr in the process. There are no Brownie points for that. Let them digest and ask questions. So maybe tell school and then them on a Friday night and that gives them the weekend to digest before school.

Mostly they are old enough to work out what where when and how to do access.

So in your shoes I'd take control of this. Get recommendations for lawyers. Get the first lawyers appointment you can with all the recommended ones - then your ex can't use them. And hopefully there will be one that clicks. My 4th lawyer is golden and has taken me through 10 years of court battles with my death threat wealding nutter of an ex. The first 3 lawyers were not so good.

Prep for those lawyer meetings hard. So that they are useful meetings. Get all the info now, valuations, bank statements, salary slips, pension etc

Write three lists:
What you want
What you'd accept
What's non-negotiable

Think about the house. Do you want to stay for now, or start again?

[Dozer]

IMO honesty is best with DC. They know on some level when things are wrong.

Your H has already made the decision, to do the things that will hurt the DC, but isn't carrying it through because at the moment he has his cake and is eating it: family life with a wife desperate for him to stay, DC in the dark (so not angry with him, as they will be when they find out), AND whatever else he's got going on or is planning for his future (eg OW). Pretty good for him. Pretty shit for you, and the DC.

As a start you could immediately stop anything domestic you do for him, eg laundry, errands, cooking (unless you all eat together). And kick him out of your bed: he won't move out so there's the floor or sofa.

You can get your ducks in a row with legal advice, digging around for financial information, investigate finances and housing options etc.

[Adora10]

Yes if he's still at home you need to start treating him as nothing but a house guest now; let him look after himself, he's told you he wants to leave the relationship (and you), so let him feel the consequence of that, not carry on as usual whilst he carries on eating that bloody cake.

[Cary2012]

Couldn't agree more with everything the above three posters have said.

[FuckingHideous]

My advice is to be strong and get rid of him now.

I was weak and pole axed and just couldn't find the strength at the time. Over a year on I so wish I had. It's so difficult, but things have settled down, on the face of it anyway, and now it would feel like being down to me breaking up the family.

He's made his position clear. He will have OW.

It's awful, though. 💐

[Kr1stina]

If you decide to tell the kids , you need to tell them all. It's not fair to tell the oldest as then he can't share the burden with his siblings and he has to keep up the pretence too.

Also the first thing they will ask is " do we have to sell this house /move schools ? " so you need to have an answer for this if possible before you tell them.

[Startoftheyear2017]

Thanks for all your brilliant, clear and helpful comments. All food for thought. I don't have clarity on what I plan to do yet. I am keen to avoid kicking him out as I think that's what he wants, and I would be the controlling wife who doesn't need him. I told my boss today who's a friend too. He's known both of us 25 years or so, godfather to our eldest. He was stunned. It helps to know I am not crazy and we did seem to have a pretty normal happy marriage. Thanks again. It's do helpful to get advice from people who've been through this. Lawyer tomorrow...

[Cary2012]

Good luck with the solicitor.

Don't focus on what he wants, focus on what you want. That's your priority. He wants out, he's the instigator in this.

He's not your friend. That's a hard fact to absorb, I know. He's been planning this for a long time, you're still playing catch up. Like I said earlier, you'll have to be the strong one in this and support the kids. You need to lean on supportive people. You must grab control with both hands. That means taking him out of the picture and being focused on the way forward that suits you and the kids. Not him. He's got his own agenda and there is probably an OW whispering in his ear.

Don't not throw him out because you think it's what he wants: what he wants is out anyway. If you think space and time to think without him there benefits you, then tell him that.

Time to be a bit selfish and prioritise you. Let him see a strong woman who won't be dictated to. But up boundaries, focus on the outcome.

You didn't want this, it's horrible and unfair. But you do have choices. You need to have the strength to make the right ones and you can only do that if you ignore his feelings from now.

[Clockwork97]

Good luck with the solicitor , take some written questions that you want answering , get the most from that free half hour.
Your doing so well xx

[Dozer]

If leaving your home is what he wants, that could good for you too IMO, better than sharing a room with him every night, feeling awful.

You wouldn't be in any way "controlling" to request that, as he's taken the decision to end your relationship, he moves out.

[Startoftheyear2017]

I spoke to him about telling the kids sooner. He thinks we shouldn't as they will be so sad and we don't have answers yet on details, like where he's living and so on. I am so cross at the moment I can't imagine keeping it together until July. But I don't want to risk screwing the kids' exams up for the sake of a relatively short time.