Naked photos of his past

[Frank87]

Ok so this is it...

My fiancé is a motorsports photographer and last week he was on a job and a client urgently needed him to send a photo over. As he was unable to send it he asked me to. No problem at all. The photo was on his hard drive, he gave me all of the instructions and job done. I started looking at his older photography work on the hard drive, mostly being nosey but feeling proud at how far he has come over the years.

Then I saw an unnamed folder and I opened it. I wish I hadn't. I found hundreds of naked photos of his ex girlfriend, all of them incredibly graphic and some including him having sex with her. Within the folder were also photos from other 'conquests', (all sexual photos) including photos of a 'friend'.

I lost it. Completely and utterly broke down. The issue I have here is that he has looked at them all recently. While I have been in the house, after I have gone to bed.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that men will be men and sometimes they look at porn etc. That I have no issue with. In this instance they are people from his past, and people that are very much in our lives right now. All of the photos were received before we got together as well.

I feel completely betrayed by him. I asked him why and he said it was 'an ego thing'? That he had never been "a hit with the ladies" when he was younger and he looks at the photos from time to time to make himself feel better. I am so completely confused as surely he shouldn't need to do that as he has me now.

It is so hard to not take this personally. My immediate reaction was, 'what am I not doing that is driving him to this, what can I do to stop him doing these things'; which I know isn't right. All I keep thinking is that in the moments when he is feeling horny (urgh hate that word!), instead of coming to me, he has chosen to look at those photos for gratification.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to end things with him as I truly believe we are stronger than this but I can't stop seeing those photos and I can't stop the hurt.

[onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad]

I disgree with most people are saying here and no doubt I'll get shot down in flames. But here goes...
I certainly wouldn't be ending my relationship over this.
In ter,s of actually keeping old photos/ letters etc. from previous relationships - I am amazed that people expect their partners to delete or get rid of these.
My OH has a whole box of them including naked photos of a previous gf. They are shut away in a box in the attic somewhere and I have no issue at all with it. I came across them once and I have never mentioned it. Why would I - the letters weren't written and the photos weren't taken while we were together, they were taken as part of a loving committed relationship with some one else, before I'd even met my OH and have absolutely nothing to do with me.
I also have heaps of letters and photos from previous relationships - and somewhere on a computer there are 'rather explicit' digital photos taken of me by my exH. My now OH isn't the least bit concerned by this and recognises they are a part of the archive of my life - wouldn't dream of asking me to delete them. Although I have to admit I've got no idea what file they're in.

Having said all that, I recognise this is a slightly more delicate situation and of course it must have been incredibly distressing to discover he'd got them filed in such a way he could access them easily and had looked at them recently, however two things: I don't think this is any reflection on his relationship with you and secondly he's clearly very remorseful and sorry.
Honestly? I'd let it go and move on.

[WannaBe]

It's not about the fact he's kept pictures though is it? It's about the fact that he's been looking at them, coupled with the fact that last year OP was concerned about him texting multiple women and then deleting the conversations.

As a PP said, he clearly needs to think he has that level of women's attention, and will likely never be satisfied with just the one woman in his life.

And I don't understand why anyone would want to visit sexual experiences from the past, with ex girlfriends/boyfriends if they are in a serious committed relationship with someone else.

[bear28]

I had the same situation with an ex about 8 years ago. we were on holiday and we were putting a movie on the laptop and i found he had kept a video of him having sex with his ex. he told me he was meant to delete it before we went on holiday (even though we had been together for 2 years) and was fully aware it was there. Unfortunately I just couldn't get past it. It doesn't bother me if my partner looks at porn now and again but keeping a video of you having sex with your ex isn't normal. its holding on to something (in my situation, emotional and physical ties to that person) that should have been let go years ago. I hope you manage to get past this for yourself not for him! You are better than that and deserve better!

[FreeNiki]

And I don't understand why anyone would want to visit sexual experiences from the past, with ex girlfriends/boyfriends if they are in a serious committed relationship with someone else.

No one literally ever thought of anyone else but their current partner or looked or fantasised even if they'd never act on it?

The ex with the videos was the best sex I ever had. I would think of that again!

[jouu]

I really wouldn't care about this at all. His past belongs to him. He may revisit it in any way he chooses. Reminiscing about the past, including one's sexual past, isn't something that you need to beat yourself with birch twigs about. It's just sex ffs. Consensual and probably enjoyed by all participants... The only way this would bother me is if the women involved had asked that he delete the pictures, and he didn't.

I haven't read your other threads, perhaps this is part of some other pattern, I don't know.

But the fact that a person has kept pictures that were consensually shared with him/taken by them, and sometimes looks at them, should not cause their partner to be "devastated". If it does I start to wonder where that partner is drawing their self image and self esteem from.

Should human beings really hang their self image on whether they are the only body that their partner is turned on by??? Come now... We are all animals, we like each others' bodies and enjoy thinking about them... that isn't something to go to counseling over...

[sebashocked]

I'm going to be a dissenting voice. I completely understand how upsetting it must have been to see these images and how it would make you question how he feels about the women involved but... when you start a new relationship all your past experiences with other people don't just automatically get removed from your memory banks. I've been turned on by thinking about exes and though I don't have photographs, I do have a pretty good mental store of images that I call on every now and again. That doesn't mean that I love DH any less or would want to rekindle a relationship with any previous lovers. They are simply just things that I sometimes like to fantasise about. If they are genuinely past girlfriends then I think I could get over it. Many of us have sexual triggers that we would rather not share with our partner. Hope counselling helps you see things clearly.

[Cuppaoftea]

Really creepy. The relationship ends, the consent ends with it and any explicit photos should be deleted.

However as pp have said he hasn't really deleted these, they'll be backed up, he'll know how to retrieve them and hide them better.

He was in another room while you were in bed wanking over photos of him in the act of having sex with his ex. How can that not be a dealbreaker. He has no real respect for you or for her.

[scottishdiem]

Joining the dissenting voices and second Spice22 as well as FreeNiki and Sebashocked.

Then again I have done what the OPs DP has done. Have photos of ex and I doing something that DP doesnt do. Not regular fodder for private times but certainly once or twice a year. I am totally in love and committed to my DP but sometimes we are on a different track.

[AnyFucker]

The people saying this guy shouldn't be dumped for the photos really need to read op's previous threads about this bloke

As does op herself

Like I said early on this thread.... sleazy idiot and one that is quite clearly mot going to change despite this latest episode's impressive demonstration of contrition

He is playing you, op. If you stay with this guy you are a fool.

[RockyBird]

The texting is a bigger issue than some auld photies.

[Foxysoxy01]

How horrible for you OP!

I would be devastated tbh.

It's not just having the photos which is bad enough but if you start to wonder would the women still consent to him having their photos now the relationship is over? And if not how would you class his still having the photos? Would it be sexual abuse to keep them without consent? Rape? Mental abuse? Or the women's own fault?

Then the fact that he doesn't or at least didn't want to delete them and was actually viewing them. Why did he do that? I would presume to have a wank to he must still find the women attractive and worth looking at.

That he wanted to look at these women rather than have sex with his wife would be the thing I would really struggle to get over.

I'm not sure I would leave but I would be incredibly upset and it would take a lot of time to get over if I even could.

[WannaBe]

I can't believe that there are actually people on this thread who look at pictures and video of themselves having sex with their previous partners even though they are allegedly in committed relationships. And that those people believe those who object to it are the ones with the issue.

I'd imagine that if your current partners found out that you were masturbating to pictures of you and your ex and ended the relationship you would consider he was the one at fault? .

It's one thing to have pictures of your ex in whatever compromising position you were in at the time. It wouldn't be for me but to each their own. However it's quite another to keep those pictures and bring them out on occasions to reminisce back to... well whatever it was, even though those relationships presumably ended for valid reasons....

[PsychedelicSheep]

I also agree with the dissenting voices, actually I think (illegal stuff aside obviously) that what people masturbate to is their own private business. You don't get to police every thought/fantasy someone has just because you happen to be in a relationship with them for now

I also think porn is worse in many respects, coz you never know if the actors are being coerced/abused, at least you know an ex was a willing and fully consenting participant!

I have sexy pics and videos of an ex on my laptop, so what? It's my laptop, my memories, my business!

[PsychedelicSheep]

A fear of travelling though, now that is a dumpable offence! As a pp said above, how does that work for a motorsport photographer??