Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2 3 4

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Naked photos of his past

89 replies

Frank87 · 28/02/2017 11:08

Ok so this is it...

My fiancé is a motorsports photographer and last week he was on a job and a client urgently needed him to send a photo over. As he was unable to send it he asked me to. No problem at all. The photo was on his hard drive, he gave me all of the instructions and job done. I started looking at his older photography work on the hard drive, mostly being nosey but feeling proud at how far he has come over the years.

Then I saw an unnamed folder and I opened it. I wish I hadn't. I found hundreds of naked photos of his ex girlfriend, all of them incredibly graphic and some including him having sex with her. Within the folder were also photos from other 'conquests', (all sexual photos) including photos of a 'friend'.

I lost it. Completely and utterly broke down. The issue I have here is that he has looked at them all recently. While I have been in the house, after I have gone to bed.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that men will be men and sometimes they look at porn etc. That I have no issue with. In this instance they are people from his past, and people that are very much in our lives right now. All of the photos were received before we got together as well.

I feel completely betrayed by him. I asked him why and he said it was 'an ego thing'? That he had never been "a hit with the ladies" when he was younger and he looks at the photos from time to time to make himself feel better. I am so completely confused as surely he shouldn't need to do that as he has me now.

It is so hard to not take this personally. My immediate reaction was, 'what am I not doing that is driving him to this, what can I do to stop him doing these things'; which I know isn't right. All I keep thinking is that in the moments when he is feeling horny (urgh hate that word!), instead of coming to me, he has chosen to look at those photos for gratification.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to end things with him as I truly believe we are stronger than this but I can't stop seeing those photos and I can't stop the hurt.

OP posts:

Report

WannaBe · 28/02/2017 12:51

Nope, his apologies wouldn't mean anything to me either. Contrite my arse.

Incidentally, does he have pictures of you OP? Because I'd be worried that he might be keeping them to indulge in during his next relationship

Esoteric · 28/02/2017 12:53

If I can implore you ladies not to go along with this kind of stuff or send dodgy pics to guys etc , it may all seem fine and dandy when things are good but you really don't know the future, and they could end up being used in revenge or on someone's PC that you would rather they were not

Frank87 · 28/02/2017 12:57

@EverythingEverywhere1234 You have completely summed up the issue that I have. As I mentioned earlier, if it was normal porn I honestly wouldn't care. He said he doesn't wank over the photos (not sure whether to believe that or not), he gets a sordid, silly kick out of it. Really, they massage his ego.

I have found it so hard to not take it personally. Clearly I am not enough for him which is why he needs gratification from his past.

OP posts:

ShoutOutToMyEx · 28/02/2017 12:59

I agree Eso. If OP was a different type of person, these pictures could have ended up tagged on FB.

Although of course, in that event, if that did happen, it wouldn't be the fault of the women in the pictures. It would be that of the man who stored them carelessly and his angry partner. But still, I'm sure anyone would want to avoid that if they could.

Hellothereitsme · 28/02/2017 13:02

Lesson there - do not allow anyone to take intimate photos of you or send intimate photos to anyone. They can/could/have end up on the internet being viewed by randoms.

Frank87 · 28/02/2017 13:17

@ShoutOutToMyEx @Hellothereitsme @Esoteric I appreciate your point but that isn't the issue here. My partner is completely mortified so there is no way he would risk anyone else seeing them and I am not malicious enough to post them as revenge.

I completely understand your points though. I would never put myself in that situation.

OP posts:

ShoutOutToMyEx · 28/02/2017 13:51

Give yourself time OP. You don't have to come to terms with this, and decide what you want to do going forward, straight away. Even if you know you don't want to leave him, there might be other changes you'd like to make.

What he's done is a big deal. He should be thinking about what a life without you would look like.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 28/02/2017 13:53

I wouldn't believe a word he said about it to be honest. Why keep sexual photos and look at them regularly if you aren't getting a sexual thrill from them?

It's nothing you've done wrong and it's certainly not your fault. Women have an awful ingrained way of blaming themselves for men's failings and it's so sad to read.

HE is responsible for HIS behaviour. I am so sorry this has happened to you.

user1479305498 · 28/02/2017 13:56

Frank87, yep I totally see that in your case. This was a warning to other ladies whose partners may not be quite so mortified or a nasty tempered split up happens.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 28/02/2017 14:01

Clearly I am not enough for him which is why he needs gratification from his past.

You are enough, OP. Don't take this on yourself. This is about him, and his fuck up, not you.

You are completely enough, whether it's for your fiancé, for yourself or for some other lucky man who has you in his future.

PegaGryf · 28/02/2017 14:07

Op I just feel like any woman deserves better than this.

MyheartbelongstoG · 28/02/2017 14:07

Get rid of him.

He wanks over naked pics of exes.

He's been doing this since you got together!

mouldycheesefan · 28/02/2017 14:11

I remember you posting about him before.
He's not getting any better!
💐

Frank87 · 28/02/2017 14:12

I just love him so much and I really don't want to end it, but I am so hurt that he has done this to me. I don't know what to do. I keep getting bursts of sadness and anger and I am so tired. It has consumed me and I can't stop seeing the images in my mind.

I just hope it is true what they say and time is a healer.

OP posts:

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 28/02/2017 14:14

Oh dear. I just advance searched you.
OP, wake up. He'll never change and you'll feel shitter and shitter about yourself with every passing day. He doesn't respect you at all. You need to respect yourself.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 28/02/2017 14:15

Time is a healer, yes. But you don't have to forgive or forget if you don't want to, or don't think you can.

He can be as sorry as he likes, you still don't have to.

MumBod · 28/02/2017 14:19

I'd go absolutely apeshit.

Proper wrath-of-god on his sorry over-photographed little arse.

Then leave him. Arsehole.

mouldycheesefan · 28/02/2017 14:20

It's been going on for a long time, this isn't new.

MumBod · 28/02/2017 14:21

OP, he's not mortified that he has the pictures. He always knew he had them.

He's mortified that you've caught him. Different thing. It means he's mortified that you now know who he really is.

Not a great basis for a relationship is it? When full knowledge of who your partner is causes them mortification?

WannaBe · 28/02/2017 14:25

Yep, advance search here as well. The man is a compulsive liar, withholds information from you, a potential cheat and now you've discovered that he's also indulging in pictures of himself and his ex's having sex. Are these the same women he was texting last July or are they different ones?

Frank87 · 28/02/2017 14:28

@WannaBe These are new...

I am completely and utterly broken. I thought by posting on here it would help. But I'm more confused then ever.

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 28/02/2017 14:29

Wow, I actually answered one of your threads last July when he was constantly constantly texting other women.

Can't believe you got engaged to him.

Can't believe you think he's a keeper.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

ElspethFlashman · 28/02/2017 14:30

And did you actually manage to go skiing over NY or did he refuse?

Frank87 · 28/02/2017 14:33

@ElspethFlashman We didn't go skiing. He is starting counselling tomorrow to try and fix the issue he has with travelling and he has decided to speak about the issues we have had.

OP posts:

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 28/02/2017 14:33

I find this so, so sad. You could be so much happier without him.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.