Naked photos of his past

[Frank87]

Ok so this is it...

My fiancé is a motorsports photographer and last week he was on a job and a client urgently needed him to send a photo over. As he was unable to send it he asked me to. No problem at all. The photo was on his hard drive, he gave me all of the instructions and job done. I started looking at his older photography work on the hard drive, mostly being nosey but feeling proud at how far he has come over the years.

Then I saw an unnamed folder and I opened it. I wish I hadn't. I found hundreds of naked photos of his ex girlfriend, all of them incredibly graphic and some including him having sex with her. Within the folder were also photos from other 'conquests', (all sexual photos) including photos of a 'friend'.

I lost it. Completely and utterly broke down. The issue I have here is that he has looked at them all recently. While I have been in the house, after I have gone to bed.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that men will be men and sometimes they look at porn etc. That I have no issue with. In this instance they are people from his past, and people that are very much in our lives right now. All of the photos were received before we got together as well.

I feel completely betrayed by him. I asked him why and he said it was 'an ego thing'? That he had never been "a hit with the ladies" when he was younger and he looks at the photos from time to time to make himself feel better. I am so completely confused as surely he shouldn't need to do that as he has me now.

It is so hard to not take this personally. My immediate reaction was, 'what am I not doing that is driving him to this, what can I do to stop him doing these things'; which I know isn't right. All I keep thinking is that in the moments when he is feeling horny (urgh hate that word!), instead of coming to me, he has chosen to look at those photos for gratification.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to end things with him as I truly believe we are stronger than this but I can't stop seeing those photos and I can't stop the hurt.

[SparklingRaspberry]

Hmm for me it's a tricky one.

I mean I'd be absolutely devastated and I don't blame you what so ever for feeling the way you do.

For me though the worst part of the photos would be the ones of his friend who you both still see... I could probably 'deal' with the pictures of the ex's. Everyone has a past.
I've had similar conversations with male friends and men before, and quite a few admit to secretly keeping intimate photos of ex girlfriends/flings - not because they're pining over her but because it's a naked woman they'd slept with and it's a turn on. A lot of them have also mentioned the ego thing - apparently it boosts their ego to know the pictures were sent to only them.

Although I will say..

I couldn't marry someone with this little respect for me, and for women in general to be honest. And, also, its bloody creepy.

1. Since when does taking photos of your naked (ex) girlfriend, who consented to being photographed, mean you don't respect women? Believe it or not some women happily take part in this, does it therefore mean she has no respect for men too?
   
2. It's not creepy either. It's a naked woman, of course a man is gunna look. The problem isn't simply that he looked, the problem is he's kept and looked at them despite having a fiancé... even more so when she's in the house! As long as I didn't know when he was looking I don't think I'd be TOO fussed, but if he would rather sit there looking at them pictures instead of coming to me, I'd feel hurt.
   

OP, I fully understand why you feel the way you feel. It's also a good thing he's been made to realise how he's made you feel. I would also get him to delete them from the recycle bin on the computer as you can still get things back even when you've "deleted" them.

Regardless of what anyone else would do in this situation, the only thing that matters is how you feel about it.

[DeleteOrDecay]

I'm so sorry op, but I agree with pp who state he's sorry he got caught, not sorry for what he's been doing.

I am anti-porn, but this is a whole other level to me. These are women he knows and has physically done stuff with, who he will have shared some sort of bond with at some point. It's all a bit too close for comfort to me. I'm not sure I could carry on without constantly wondering why. Why he hasn't appeared to have moved on from these women and why I'm not good enough for him.

[Orangetoffee]

Do the girls even know he still has those photos or do you think he told them too that he had deleted them?

He has no respect for you, sorry.

[aquamarina100]

I think it's a deal breaker.

I had a look at your other threads too, I really feel you will regret marrying this man if you go ahead.

[ElspethFlashman]

I think you could do with counselling yourself to unpick why your boundaries are so wobbly, why your standards are so low.

If I found my BF of one year constantly texting other hot women and then deleting the texts, I'd have dumped him so fast he'd have been spinning.

But you taught him that all he had to do was have a bit of a weep and act "devastated" and not only would you brush it under the carpet, but you would want to marry him!

Now he's been wanking (of course he has, come on) to pictures of his exes and once again he just has to weep and act mortified and devastated and promise to "talk about it" in counselling (whatever that means) and you'll move past it again.

You are teaching him every time that your standards for his behaviour just ain't that high. He can get away with these things.

He's a creep. He creeps over other women. That's who he is.

[Orangetoffee]

Girls was supposed to say girlfriends

[WannaBe]

So, in July he was constantly texting other women, in fact months before that he was constantly texting another woman, and now you've found these pictures from before you got together which he has been looking at throughout the course of your relationship. What else do you think he's been doing during the two years you've been together OP? Because at the moment all you know about is the stuff you've found out about. There is almost certainly likely to be more which he will be mortified about if/when you find out.

The pictures in themselves would be enough for me to leave, but seriously this man has form. He has no respect for you if he was texting other women and wanking to sex pictures of his ex's during the whole of your relationship.

Exactly what does he have which balances out all of that to make him a man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

[legzakimbotheatre]

So he likes to look at his collection of "conquests" to prove to himself that he's a big man and boost his ego? Says a lot about what he thinks of women and what's important to him.

If my partner did this it would totally change my opinion of him. The photos of the woman that you both see a few times a year are particularly upsetting.

[legzakimbotheatre]

Please don't marry this man. You will be miserable and constantly worrying about stuff he is hiding from you.

[Spice22]

Frank I don't know how long you've been around on MN but people here have a tendency of overreacting and claiming they would leave their husbands for leaving the toilet seat up. Reality is relationships take work and may be hurtful - it's up to YOU to decide whether or not he deserves any more of your time.
If it were me, I would , after making him work for it, forgive him and believe this will make the relationship stronger. He did something that hurt you, acknowledged it, deleted the pictures and wants to talk to the therapist to find the root of his actions. This sounds like someone genuinely sorry.
Also, I really don't think those pictures have anything to do with you or those women. I can totally see how it's just an ego booster (probably is for those women too, if they suffered low self esteem from their younger days).
Overall, It's up to you. Take the hysteria here with a pinch of salt. Maybe , like a PP said, forgive but hold out on the wedding until you are 100% sure of his character.

I rarely post such long replies but I really didnt want a potentially happy relationship ruined by the professionally offended. Honestly, some here explain why divorce rates are so high

[ShoutOutToMyEx]

Since when does taking photos of your naked (ex) girlfriend, who consented to being photographed, mean you don't respect women? Believe it or not some women happily take part in this, does it therefore mean she has no respect for men too?

Erm, it doesn't, if that's your bag. But keeping them for years after, almost definitely without their knowledge or consent, and looking at them with your fiancée in the next room, seems quite disrespectful to me.

There's lots of things I did with exes that I'd not do now our relationship is over.

And yes I'd feel the same if a woman was doing this, seeing as that seems to be question of the moment on here.

2. It's not creepy either. It's a naked woman, of course a man is gunna look. The problem isn't simply that he looked, the problem is he's kept and looked at them despite having a fiancé... even more so when she's in the house! As long as I didn't know when he was looking I don't think I'd be TOO fussed, but if he would rather sit there looking at them pictures instead of coming to me, I'd feel hurt

Not all men would look, actually. Especially at women that they've had sex with, while they're engaged to someone else.

I believe my partner has enough autonomy, self control and respect for me not to look at photos of our naked friends. I wish that were true for all women.

[EverythingEverywhere1234]

Fuck sake Spice just because you disagree with people's reactions doesn't mean you can write them off as 'hysteria'. How arrogant.

[Frank87]

@Spice22 Thank you for your message. I will be honest, some of the replies have sent me into complete turmoil.

This happened three days ago so it is still incredibly raw which is why I am still so confused about it.

[ShoutOutToMyEx]

I really didnt want a potentially happy relationship ruined by the professionally offended. Honestly, some here explain why divorce rates are so high

Yes, it was much better back in the day when women had to put up and shut up rather than risk destitution by divorcing.

[EverythingEverywhere1234]

Quite, ShoutOut

[Spice22]

Frank No worries . Maybe take a break from here aswell and just focus on you and what you think? That way your actions are not influenced by others as it's you that has to live with the decision. Best of luck

[maras2]

How can he be a 'motorsports photographer' and have a fear of travelling?

[WannaBe]

Spice22 you might want to have a look at the OP's previous threads. In July last year she posted that he had been texting multiple women for months and months, In February she posted that he has a fear of travel which he had chosen not to tell her about until six months previously, but which meant they didn't get to go on holiday together. And now she's found out he's been getting off on pictures of himself and his ex's having sex for the duration of their relationship.

Now I am not usually one of the ltb at the first issue persuasion, however, I think that your boundaries on what is hysteria and the majority of the rest of the population differ somewhat.

[ElspethFlashman]

OP,

Relationships are not supposed to be this hard.

This is not "normal". There is not a set level of shit you have to wade through to have a relationship with someone you love. If it's meant to be, this wouldn't be happening.

Love isn't enough sometimes.

It's definitely not enough here.

[Hellothereitsme]

Frank87 - he might be mortified it he did allow someone else to see private photos - you.

[Funnyonion17]

I personally couldn't get past this, but I can understand many others would be able to. If he has low self esteem etc, I can sort of see how it became an ego boost. It's not right or acceptable, but I guess he has issues. It's good he's deleted them all and devastated he's caused this.

[FreeNiki]

I have photos and video of an ex and I. Both of us were turned on by making them.

I wont delete them and would still watch them. Doesnt mean Id rather be with my ex than a current partner. Shrugs.

[user1479305498]

Bearing in mind all the texting Frank as wellI think what you have got here is a guy who probably now gets off on thinking "lots" of women are interested in him and needs to have that level of interaction to keep the ego level afloat hence all the texting--probably is one of these guys who has got more attention as he got older and with a "sexy job" believe me, Im married to one like this. It is your choice but I wouldnt be suprised to find 5 years down the line with marriage and a little one you are on here getting anxious about snooping on his phone and wondering why he has 114 texts to same womans number in a month etc. These guys also do really like a secure partner too and often love them a lot as well . They just like the buzz of "more" going on even though they know its risky

[FreeNiki]

Nowt to do with low self esteem here.....

[shineon]

My initial reaction was id be devastated but i wouldn't end the relationship over it. But you know what the more I think about it I think its the kind of thing I couldn't forget. It would always be there and it would eat away at me. For that reason I think it may be a deal breaker.