Have I destroyed trust in marriage?

[mummalugs]

Hi MNers,

Please, some constructive advice much appreciated.

DH and I married 14 years ago. Everything has always been shared - shared bank account, our house, including the money my parents have gave us to help buy our first apartment. We were totally blessed in this.

I love him dearly and imagine our retirement together. We both do. We've had a few rough patches lately. During a couple of arguments he's suggested he could conceivably leave me/separate. Although we've always patched things up. It totally rocked my confidence at the time. I have never made this threat to our marriage.

Anyway, things were in a good place. But today with great difficulty and nervousness I brought up the subject of inheritance and said I would probably like to maintain some control of what my parents leave me as I was shocked and lacked trust after he'd threatened to leave me. I am fortunate enough that there may be some money for us, whereas my DH's side is less likely. Something he apparently has various issues about.

I now feel terrible. Like what was once 'us in it together ' is now like some sort of awkward Pre-nup agreement. He was pretty defensive and upset by it, saying he'd be left with a one bed flat in Timbuktu etc if we split up. He also said he feels overshadowed, emasculated by my parent's money, like he will never have done enough to earn it and what I've now said only confirms that in his mind.

Neither of us want to split up. I feel sure of this. DH loves and looks after me so well. But after he made those earlier threats that he could leave me I felt nervous it may be possible if things got ugly and maybe he would once I'd inherited. Although deep down I don't think he would.

We'd started to plan stuff long term with the idea we would come into a bit of money, but it's made me feel uncomfortable lately.

A long one sorry! It's quite involved.

Any similar stories? What agreements do you have with your DPs? Do you discuss it openly?

[mummalugs]

Sukeytakeitoffagain thank you! Good idea to chat to them about it. Does your DP have an issue with it?

[Adora10]

Onion; if my partner, whether married or not was left money by their mum or dad or both; I'd not be laying claims on it, it's money that's been given to a daughter, simple as that, what she does with it is her business.

madopting the above in response to HIS threats to leave, hardly going to make you feel secure is it.

[mummalugs]

Quite wrong Wannabe. I will not be divorcing my DH. I love him.

[MyGodLikeChin]

So seemingly stable relationship, ups and downs as is normal but out of nowhere or heat of the moment or whatever DH brings up splitting.
OP is left reeling a bit by this and maybe insecure with the relationship.
I think it is perfectly reasonable to then try to find security and if that is her family money fair enough.
Without knowing all conversation post comments from DH, the reason he had for mentioning splitting, whether he meant it at the time or if he has made any attempt to reassure OP, it seems reasonable to create security for yourself.

[Adora10]

WannaBe; that's not what the OPs has said, you are completely wrong there.

[mummalugs]

Not just now...always, because I choose to.

[WannaBe]

Ok so the husband is at fault for threatening to leave. So why doesn't the OP let him go then? Surely this relationship is over now if the threats were so serious that the OP needs to think about money etc.

FWIW i wouldn't lay claim to an inheritance either. In fact I didn't even though I was in the process of separating from my H when he inherited But talk of wanting to keep the money to herself is a very clear indication that divorce is upper most in the OP's mind.

If she wasn't planning to get divorced she wouldn't be talking about needing access to money for when it happens.

And the parents aren't even dead yet.

IMO the OP should leave now, then at least she will be assured of having all the inheritance when it finally becomes available, assuming it hasn't been swallowed up in care fees etc. .

[LucklessMonster]

It sounds like HE has eroded the trust with his threats about leaving. He can hardly complain when he put the thought in your head, can he?

I find it a bit worrying that he's behaving like this and you're blaming yourself for it.

[HeyYouYesYou]

I think the two of you should go to couples' counselling (or equivalent) to discuss this. I think you'd really benefit from a neutral third party helping you to look at the issues and really pull out what's worrying each of you. If you both mean it when you say that you want to continue in the relationship indefinitely, then talking to the right professional can help you find ways to rebuild trust after dragging your worries out into the cold light of day.

[SukeyTakeItOffAgain]

Does your DP have an issue with it? No I don't think so. He wouldn't have leg to stand on if he did! It's all completely theoretical anyway, because I can't see us being separated by anything other than death - not that anyone can ever predict the future. I'm not sure what his parents are going to do - they're not planners in the same way my mum is. Either way, we're very lucky in that both sets of parents have considerable means, if they don't have to spend it all on care fees which in today's world of course is a distinct possibility.

[bella4024]

Me and OH are in the same situation but the other way around. His parents lent us money for a house, and he will inherit a large amount at some point. TBH I'd be annoyed if he suggested what you have. Obviously I wouldn't begrudge him spending his inheritance on whatever he wanted, but to suddenly decide that some money is just his would annoy me. All our money has always been split, and when I came into some money I spent it on things for us/the house, eg. new kitchen, holiday etc.

I think it would have been better to suggest putting a percentage into a separate account maybe.

[LiefieLiefie]

My dad gave me a lump sum of cash a few years ago and my mum will do the same in a couple of years. It's mine and mine alone. DP has about 10x the amount of cash in his savings which is his and his alone.

I think it is totally sensible to have an "escape route" as my Nan used to call it. If anything goes tits up with our relationship, or if God forbid, anything happened to DP, I still have money to hand to continue paying rent/mortgage/bills/whatever immediately.

That doesn't mean I don't adore DP and want to be with him for the rest of our lives.

[MuseumOfCurry]

I kind of take Wannabe's view that I think it's not maybe normal, but certainly not unusual for married people to breathe a threat of leaving. I've done this, my husband has done this (less) but in our sanguine moments it's very much 'I can't live without you'.

I imagine my husband would be upset if I were to sequester my future inheritance, as would I with his. We talk about what we'll do with our inheritances (not in a callous way, but we both have them coming) all the time.

[Fakenewsday]

i think it's odd he's counting on this money personally, whatever happens to your marriage. Inheriting in your 50s shouldn't be life changing at that point. Both of us would not expect a right to spend half of whatever each of us inherited. I'd be upset if my DH wanted to give his to a charity if our DC needed it for a house deposit or our mortgage was spiraling out of control but I wouldn't feel it right to impose any criteria for myself and my DH would never tell me what to do with any I inherited or view it as his.

[WannaBe]

TBH I think that all this planning for the life you're going to have with someone else's money once they're dead is bloody crass in the extreme. And this is the second thread I've read along these lines today.

These people aren't even dead yet and already people are discussing how their money should be spent and divided. Makes me consider not actually leaving money to anyone when I die or at the very least not discussing it with anyone.

[Chippednailvarnishing]

If it's a significant amount of money that you might inherit, you should ask your parents to consider setting up a trust, it might give you more protection if you split after they have died.

[Adora10]

I would never dream of expecting or making a claim on any money my partner was left; why would I, they are not my parents, they owe me nothing and I owe them nothing. If my partner then wants to share it with me then great but his attitude stinks:
threats to leave marriage
expects better than what he can afford (in other words, your parents are to pay for his accommodation later in life)

Neither are good traits to have.

[HeyYouYesYou]

Well, yes WannaBe I agree with you, but it's not what the OP was asking.

[Carollocking]

There are ways you can set up a inheritance that he cannot get anything if went wrong but you need to speak to a good solicitor and it may involve the way your parents leave it to you also

[MuseumOfCurry]

TBH I think that all this planning for the life you're going to have with someone else's money once they're dead is bloody crass in the extreme. And this is the second thread I've read along these lines today.

Hm. I think both my dad and my husband's parents would disagree with you. They've involved me/my husband respectively in their estate planning and in my dad's case, he's told me how he thinks I should invest/spend it.

[mummalugs]

My parents have talked openly to me and my siblings about this Wannabe.

[WannaBe]

But in truth we don't know the context of his threatening to leave. They may have been bickering/arguing for months and this one argument was a last straw one for him. Just because the OP says that it came out of nowhere doesn't mean that it did. Relationships can be complex. He may have good reason for feeling at that point that the marriage had become untennable, but once he threatened to leave, or said that he wondered whether they should split they both woke up and realised just what it's all come to.

It's unfair to say that just because he talked about separating once he's started all of this and it's all his fault.

I imagine there are three sides to this. His side (where the marriage was unbearable at that point,) her side (where she suspected nothing and was blindsided,) and the truth which is likely somewhere in the middle.

[HelenaGWells]

The house we live in was bought with my inheritance money. It is in both our names and always has been. DH offered for it to just be in my name but I refused. It is our family house and our family money. We have everything in joint accounts apart from a small savings account each.

I believe in my marriage and I believe in my DH. If that makes me stupid in some peoples eyes I don't give a shit. I just rush blindly into this marriage. I took time to ensure I married a good man. We work hard at our marriage and intend to continue to do so for a long time. I'd rather live with complete trust that live with one eye on the door.

With regards to his threat to leave I think it would depend entirely on context. If it was just a random "maybe I should leave" during an argument I wouldn't think twice about it. People say stupid things during arguments. It is what happens afterwards that counts. I think I would only worry about it if it got past being a random idle threat and had actually started to happen.

[peggyundercrackers]

wannabe when their is death and money in the air the sharks always come out... some people cant help themselves.

[mummalugs]

Just so as we keep this from descending into a judgment about the state of my marriage, please can we look more to how people approach this sort of financial matter while maintaining trust in a marriage?

Thanks so much for the useful advice and ideas so far.