A letter to my ex's Indian parents

[brightonrockk]

My partner of 1 year and I have recently decided to end things. We are very much in love. He is indian, I am english. We decided we had to end it because of his parents - he is very loyal to them, he cannot be happy if they aren't and if that happens 4 years down the line then it's going to hurt a lot more than it does now.

I have never spoken to his parents, I don't really know what they truly think of me. I would like to write them a letter, mainly for closure for myself (selfishly) and also because I hope to remain friends with my ex for a long, long time and would like to reach out to the people who raised such a good heart. I want to tell them that I - we - never meant for our relationship to pain them, and they have got such a wonderful son.

I am NOT writing this hoping to change their mind about me - I will never be able to do that I don't think.

I just don't know what to put, or if there are any 'triggers' that will make them seriously dislike me. My ex and I are not together any more, we can't be, I painfully accept that, but we so strongly wish to always be good friends with each other.

Any advice?

[brightonrockk]

I know this is not Romeo and Juliet. I know this is very different to someone who is 40. But do not insult me by belittling my feelings. I never once said that they do not understand our love, I have just said that you can love someone to a great extent after a year of being with them and gave no reference to age or experience.

Just because I am not middle-aged does not mean I do not feel, does not mean that we did not love each other, and does certainly not mean that I am not entitled to comment on how I found my relationship with my ex.

[Serin]

Unfortunately life experience brings out the cynic in me.

I had a boyfriend of Pakistani background, exactly same story, he broke us up after 2 years together as he couldn't upset his parents by having an English partner.

It was all lies.

I later found out he had been two timing me and later married another English girl. His parents fully accepted her.

Even if his story is true, If he loved you enough he would stand up to them

[milktraystan]

I feel for you op, don't let anyone try to minimise your feelings. You can know what love is after only a year and you sound heartbroken. Try to have a clean break and dont prolong the agony. There is nothing to be gained by sending a letter to his parents, it may even cause trouble for him depending on his mothers reaction. Write it if you feel it would be cathartic but I wouldn't post it.

[brightonrockk]

Thank you for all of your responses, I think I need to stop looking at this thread now.

We are both young, and some of us had more balls than others and I know that. Like I said, his flaws made him who he was, but they are flaws nevertheless.

I've learned from this, I think I'm glad for it really. A relationship needs equally full commitment, which we did not have on both parts, and now I know that's not something you gamble with. It's just going to take some time to reap the benefits of this knowledge.

[MrsPeelyWally]

Write the letter but please dont send it. You really do not want to engage with people of this mindset who have a way of looking down their nose at someone like no other.

[Jaagojaago]

Excuse me - you said this -

And for those who think a year is nothing, then you simply have not experienced it.

Read the last seven words. We know we are speaking to a 19 year old besotted with what she thinks is the Romeo of her life who would discard her after 3 years but nonetheless her Romeo.

You do NOT know who you are speaking to. What kind of love they have experienced, what journeys they have made together and for how many decades of real togetherness. So please....

Do yourself a favour and realise that this boy is not meant to be idolised. He isn't God incarnate. He was going to fling you by the road after 3 years.

You've got out in time. Now dust yourself, hurt a while, go no contact (get help in sticking to it) and move on.

[brightonrockk]

Thank you milktraystan

[whataboutbob]

Sorry to say this Brighton but I have come across many Indians, and people who have had relationships with them that were not going to lead to marriage. The pattern is they enter into a relationship with someone who cannot be a marriage partner (not indian/ indian but wrong religion/ indian but divorced/ wrong caste etc) it's like that's their private space to have before they knuckle down and do what the parents want. It is really painful, and like you I've been young , dumped (albeit not in same circumstances), still in love etc but eventually I recovered and so will you. The anger will probably come later, but really in the long term you are better off without him.

[Jaagojaago]

for you. And hugs.

[specialsubject]

It really hurts at 19 and I really do sympathise. But this is a lucky escape. Even if he isn't a racist, his parents are.

Be kind to yourself. Good luck.

[NotYoda]

Good luck OP

You will get over this. We have all been through it

I hope you get over it sooner rather than later, because you haven't done anything wrong here.

And frankly he doesn't deserve your unreserved adoration. No-one does

[sonjadog]

Is he your first real love? It hurts like hell the first time. It will get better though. You will be very sad and hurt for a while, but you will gain wisdom, resilience and perspectives that will serve you well in your future relationships.

Please don´t post a letter to his parents. They won´t change their mind and they don´t care at all about what you think and feel. Sending a letter really will only end up making you feel worse about it all. I think we´ve all been there and done that and it never turns out well...

If you enjoy writing, then how about starting a diary for yourself? Write down all you feel every day. You might find it a good release for all the emotion.

[Offred]

Writing a letter to his parents?

A broken heart and soul?

He is a good heart?

Honestly, you are over romanticising this massively. Writing a letter to his parents would be batshit crazy.

You have broken up with a boyfriend. It is sad, your soul is not broken and you are not going to remain really good friends forever that would be really stupid.

He is not a good person. He is a person who at the very least feels his racist mother's racism matters more than his GF and at the worst is a racist himself who chose to con and use you.

Why on earth would you even consider still having this person in your life never mind being friends?

[PacificDogwod]

Thank goodness, you are getting out of this relationship with your dignity intact and with a level of control - well done!
If you had not taken the initiative here, there most likely would have been tears and dramas in a few years time when 'had' to ditch you to marry a girl chosen for him by his parents.

Write the letter.
Don't send it - it would be worse than pointless, particularly if you are hoping to remain friends with him.
Put it in a time capsule and read it in 20 years time

I vividly remember just how much in love I was at 19 with my then boyfriend - I truly would not want to minimise your feelings and how hard this whole situation must be for you . I actually think that ending the relationship as you have done shows strength and maturity (let me guess, he did not suggest that it was all unfair on you and ended it himself? Of course not ).
Equally, do not minimise the assembled life experience represented here.

[AteRiri]

I wouldn't write a letter.

I also experienced something similar in the past. We liked each other very much, for a while we felt we were each other's soulmates but didn't have a relationship though because he told me he would really marry an Indian girl eventually because his parents would have a heart attack if he didn't.

He ended up marrying an Indian woman he met in a marriage website, and whom he met on the day of the engagement.

[Abricot1993]

There is a section in the Guardian newspaper called "a letter to..." and people use it to write all sorts of personal situations. Maybe you could write it, with names changed and send it there?

[Illstartexercisingtomorrow]

You are well rid OP. I know 2 women who were the equivalent of your Indian boyfriend in their relationships.

First one told her sort-of bf from the start it wasn't going to happen, family would not accept etc. Crucially she did not delve into a relationship with him because of this very fact - and knowing this fact from the outset meant she never took him seriously as a potential long term partner. OP Even if your exbf is lovely, he knew all along that he did not see you as a long term partner. So it is better to end things now.

The second one told her bf it wouldn't work long term but nevertheless got into a relationship with him. Even while she was with him she would say to us her long term plan was to move home and he would not be welcome as there is too much prejudice in her country ( not Indian btw). She told him this also. But he was besotted. Promised her he would follow her wherever she went. Incidentally - his family also disapproved of the match (he was British Indian) but he loved her so much he turned his back on them and proposed to her. She said no and left him and went back home. Her family were more important to her than he was. I always feel so sorry for him in this. She really got over him much quicker than he did her.

It's not worth it op. You know that. You will have a broken heart for a long time. And because you ended it while you were still in love you can fantasise that it would have been amazing even in 10years. The reality is that the ongoing pressure would have made your life miserable. Time will heal you and one day you won't regret this

[Abricot1993]

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/series/aletterto

[SandyY2K]

I agree that some people do not understand the cultural pressure he would be under and I very much doubt marriage was on his mind when he started seeing you OP.

I can somewhat relate to your situation as I had a BF my parents (mostly my dad) wouldn't have approved of based on his ethnicity.

When you're young it's a lot of pressure and there is a desire to please or not displease your parents.

I was your age at the time and I'm now in my 40s.

I broke up with him, because I didn't think he'd be welcome in my family and he was distraught. I was distraught and we hugged and cried together.

He said he wanted to speak to my parents and tell them how much he loved me and would look after me. I told him that wasn't a good idea, mainly because it's not like we'd talked marriage as I was just in Uni and wasn't getting married then.

I missed him so much and we got back together. I decided that my folks would have to deal with it, if he and I ended up together. They wouldn't have disowned me and I will I knew that.
They'd just not have been thrilled.

I feel your heartbreak through your posts.

[HelenaDove]

1. He expects you to be his "bit on the side" after hes married who his parents want.

[PacificDogwod]

The OP has already had lots and lots of people tell her how doomed her relationship is likely to be on a previous thread - this is about writing the letter to her ex's parents.

Hope you are ok,
You have done The Right Thing for your longer term happiness.

[SandyY2K]

Just to add I think being friends with someone you love is a bad idea. It means you can't get over them quickly, and unless you intend to be friends who just keep in touch, and not hangout with on a regular basis. Believe me I've been there.

[HamIn]

Write it and submit it to the Guardian to publish

[WeAllHaveWings]

brighton, when you are older and less naïve you will realise he knew from the beginning he would not be able to commit to you and led you on. I don't doubt you loved him and he was fond of you, but his intentions towards you were never honourable. You, and others, were/will be temporary arrangements until he marries into his own culture.

My first love when I was around the same age as you also lasted for approx 1 year. Like you I felt even though we were so much in love with each other I had to end it for both our sakes (more his as he also played the I'm trapped by xxxx card) and I made a clean break. 28 years on I know he was only ever using me and I still kick myself sometimes for falling for it for so long. When I think back I still feel embarrassed at the way I allowed myself to be used even when my friends tried to tell me. I can now rationalise I was just a silly 19 year old (no offense meant).

Everything your ex has done has been his decision, he knew what he was doing, he isn't a poor little boy trapped by his culture. If you write the letter to his parents you will be mortified you did in the future. Try to go for a clean NC break, he will soon have another girlfriend to fill the time before marriage or if he doesn't he will draw you back in.

I am so sorry your first experience of love has been with someone that has played with your emotions and used you. It will take a while to recover from but you will come out of it stronger.

[Trills]

He's only 19 too, and if he's the oldest child and so this is the first time it's come up then maybe he just didn't think about it too hard, or imagined that his parents would come around to the idea.

It's a bit harsh to say his intentions were not honourable.