A letter to my ex's Indian parents

[brightonrockk]

My partner of 1 year and I have recently decided to end things. We are very much in love. He is indian, I am english. We decided we had to end it because of his parents - he is very loyal to them, he cannot be happy if they aren't and if that happens 4 years down the line then it's going to hurt a lot more than it does now.

I have never spoken to his parents, I don't really know what they truly think of me. I would like to write them a letter, mainly for closure for myself (selfishly) and also because I hope to remain friends with my ex for a long, long time and would like to reach out to the people who raised such a good heart. I want to tell them that I - we - never meant for our relationship to pain them, and they have got such a wonderful son.

I am NOT writing this hoping to change their mind about me - I will never be able to do that I don't think.

I just don't know what to put, or if there are any 'triggers' that will make them seriously dislike me. My ex and I are not together any more, we can't be, I painfully accept that, but we so strongly wish to always be good friends with each other.

Any advice?

[ClaryIsTheBest]

I hope your son recovers quickly and wish you and your family all the best.

Op, I hope you find happiness. Good luck

[MerryMarigold]

He's only 19 too, and if he's the oldest child and so this is the first time it's come up then maybe he just didn't think about it too hard

I agree with this ^


I think at 19, a year is a long time. I remember that first relationship at university and, whilst we weren't thinking about marriage at that stage, it was definitely an option and we were 'serious'. A lot of my friends did marry their Uni partners. I think if it was never an option, he should have been more upfront after a few months. You know it's not a lighthearted relationship after a couple of months. Well, at least it's all come out now, but he's not going to get much sympathy from me.

[MamyPoko]

I hope your son recovers quickly, Luchi.
OP, don't send the letter. Look after yourself.

[LuchiMangsho]

And my husband and I were 21 when we met. We are 37 this year. So it's not that he was exceptionally mature, he really wasn't.

[LuchiMangsho]

I am Indian. I posted some harsh stuff on your other thread.

Yes he COULD be happy and be with you. You know how? My standing up to his parents. Telling them he loved you and showing YOU loyalty. And he could have easily said, I will be your son for the rest of my life and do the best by you but X will also be in my life.
My husband did that btw. Even though we are both Indian we come from different communities. His Dad struggled. His Mum struggled but didn't show it.

They accepted it because as parents they love him and because love and loyalty is not exclusive. And because he had balls.
My in laws are quite conservative. I disagree with them about a lot of things. But they love my sons, and they have gone above and beyond for us as a family.
At the moment my younger son is in intensive care and I am in hospital. My MIL hasn't slept for 72 hours. She has cooked and cared for my other son, visited me in hospital, and organised everything. My FIL has called every day to tell me to keep going. Yesterday he told me that if we ever needed money for medical treatment (he doesn't quite 'get' that the NHS is free) he will sell everything he needs to. And that I am not to get out of bed but to recover.
They will always find me a bit odd and strange and 'modern' but that hasn't stopped them from showing their son and his family love.
But they have been able to do that BECAUSE my husband stood up to them.

So yes your boyfriend is wonderful but he could have picked you and them if that's what he really really really wanted. He didn't. He didn't want to rock the boat. He didn't want trouble. He didn't want to examine his own conscience.
Please stop romanticising his cowardice.

[Isetan]

Write but don't send. You and your Ex weren't victims of his mother's interference, you were simply in a relationship with a man who had poor boundaries and who let his parents have a greater say in his relationship than you were comfortable with.

I'm sad for you but had you continued in this relationship the pain would have been so much worse, you were in a three way relationship and your opinion would always be secondary to her's and that's a miserable existence. A dutiful mummies boy son, rarely translated into a dutiful partner because you would never be a priority. He's experiencing his first taste of freedom and you were part of that experience but long term, keeping his parents happy is the long term goal and your relationship would always be in conflict with that.

I would advise against trying to be friends for now, the intensity of your relationship will suck you back into a merry go round situation, that will make you a desperate miserable mess. For all his good points and I'm sure there were many, you were incompatible on a fundamental issue which has its roots in cultural expectations.

He isn't and won't be the last man who has mummy issues, best to avoid them all together, rather than think that your love could magic away years of indoctrination.

[AJudyKate]

I also understand your sympathy for him.

My Asian guy has had to deal with stuff I never had to and his choices were way more constrained than mine.

Sure he could have made different choices. He could have chosen me but it would have been very hard for both of us.

I think I am happier in my marriage and have less regrets than he does. In the long run for me it was easier to walk away although it did not feel so at the time.

Just keep believing this is the right decision. You will love again and maybe next time it will be forever.

[Lessthanaballpark]

OP I hope you are doing ok. I know how hard it has been to come to this decision.

I think that posters are being hard on the poor boy. How many people would really go against their parents knowing that it would lead to being disowned?

I hope that you throw yourself into your studies and manage to enjoy your uni years.

[BrondeBombshell]

This is a sad story but if he were braver and more determined he would say this is my life. It is a totally different set of circumstances but this time last year i was mak8ng every ecxuse in the book for a man from Belfadt and now i realise if he"d cared enough he would have stood 'up'

[Polarbearflavour]

Write the letter, don't send it.

You are very young and have your whole life ahead. Of course you love him still but you will love again. It's best you ended it now rather than let it drag out for four years. Like I did.

Inter-cultural relationships can be very, very hard.

[AJudyKate]

I don't agree with people being harsh on him and saying he's used you either

Does anyone think it through that far really with their 1st love at 19?

He's probably as confused and hurting as you are. My guy was. But the road to hell is paved with good intentions. You are right to end it before you get hurt any more.

[AJudyKate]

I posted on your previous thread under another name
I've been where you are many years ago

1. Well done on ending it. Stick to that. Do not end up in some FWB thing. Clean break, move on, find someone who can make a long term commitment to you. Or mess around a little first (that's what I did!)

1. You really shouldn't send that letter. You'd regret it and feel silly over it and he'll hate you for it. Write it and bin it. Talk to friends and family, talk to us but don't send that letter.

1. Staying friends with someone you love is hard. No contact is a lot easier. It was a natural break for us moving away at the end of uni. Feelings faded over time. 5yrs later we went to each other's weddings. 10yrs later we went to DC birthdays and celebrations. 20yrs later 40th birthday parties.

Life is a long time....

Good luck

[liletsthepink]

Brighton, you've been brave ending the relationship. My advice is not to send the letter as it won't help you, your ex or his parents. Instead, keep your dignity intact, let your uni friends take care of you and concentrate on feeling better about yourself and achieving good results in your studies.

I wouldn't try to stay friends with this ex as it will be hurtful for you if he starts dating someone else. Have as little to do with him as possible for the next few months while you recover from all the recent drama.

[SandyY2K]

He's only 19 too, and if he's the oldest child and so this is the first time it's come up then maybe he just didn't think about it too hard

I agree with this ^^^

It's a bit harsh to say his intentions were not honourable.

Very true. Many are being harsh indeed.

[Polarbearflavour]

I was with a British born Indian guy for nearly four years. I never met his parents. He said they would accept me but stuff happened and they encouraged him to break up with me.

[Trills]

He's only 19 too, and if he's the oldest child and so this is the first time it's come up then maybe he just didn't think about it too hard, or imagined that his parents would come around to the idea.

It's a bit harsh to say his intentions were not honourable.

[WeAllHaveWings]

brighton, when you are older and less naïve you will realise he knew from the beginning he would not be able to commit to you and led you on. I don't doubt you loved him and he was fond of you, but his intentions towards you were never honourable. You, and others, were/will be temporary arrangements until he marries into his own culture.

My first love when I was around the same age as you also lasted for approx 1 year. Like you I felt even though we were so much in love with each other I had to end it for both our sakes (more his as he also played the I'm trapped by xxxx card) and I made a clean break. 28 years on I know he was only ever using me and I still kick myself sometimes for falling for it for so long. When I think back I still feel embarrassed at the way I allowed myself to be used even when my friends tried to tell me. I can now rationalise I was just a silly 19 year old (no offense meant).

Everything your ex has done has been his decision, he knew what he was doing, he isn't a poor little boy trapped by his culture. If you write the letter to his parents you will be mortified you did in the future. Try to go for a clean NC break, he will soon have another girlfriend to fill the time before marriage or if he doesn't he will draw you back in.

I am so sorry your first experience of love has been with someone that has played with your emotions and used you. It will take a while to recover from but you will come out of it stronger.

[HamIn]

Write it and submit it to the Guardian to publish

[SandyY2K]

Just to add I think being friends with someone you love is a bad idea. It means you can't get over them quickly, and unless you intend to be friends who just keep in touch, and not hangout with on a regular basis. Believe me I've been there.

[PacificDogwod]

The OP has already had lots and lots of people tell her how doomed her relationship is likely to be on a previous thread - this is about writing the letter to her ex's parents.

Hope you are ok,
You have done The Right Thing for your longer term happiness.

[HelenaDove]

1. He expects you to be his "bit on the side" after hes married who his parents want.

[SandyY2K]

I agree that some people do not understand the cultural pressure he would be under and I very much doubt marriage was on his mind when he started seeing you OP.

I can somewhat relate to your situation as I had a BF my parents (mostly my dad) wouldn't have approved of based on his ethnicity.

When you're young it's a lot of pressure and there is a desire to please or not displease your parents.

I was your age at the time and I'm now in my 40s.

I broke up with him, because I didn't think he'd be welcome in my family and he was distraught. I was distraught and we hugged and cried together.

He said he wanted to speak to my parents and tell them how much he loved me and would look after me. I told him that wasn't a good idea, mainly because it's not like we'd talked marriage as I was just in Uni and wasn't getting married then.

I missed him so much and we got back together. I decided that my folks would have to deal with it, if he and I ended up together. They wouldn't have disowned me and I will I knew that.
They'd just not have been thrilled.

I feel your heartbreak through your posts.

[Abricot1993]

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/series/aletterto

[Illstartexercisingtomorrow]

You are well rid OP. I know 2 women who were the equivalent of your Indian boyfriend in their relationships.

First one told her sort-of bf from the start it wasn't going to happen, family would not accept etc. Crucially she did not delve into a relationship with him because of this very fact - and knowing this fact from the outset meant she never took him seriously as a potential long term partner. OP Even if your exbf is lovely, he knew all along that he did not see you as a long term partner. So it is better to end things now.

The second one told her bf it wouldn't work long term but nevertheless got into a relationship with him. Even while she was with him she would say to us her long term plan was to move home and he would not be welcome as there is too much prejudice in her country ( not Indian btw). She told him this also. But he was besotted. Promised her he would follow her wherever she went. Incidentally - his family also disapproved of the match (he was British Indian) but he loved her so much he turned his back on them and proposed to her. She said no and left him and went back home. Her family were more important to her than he was. I always feel so sorry for him in this. She really got over him much quicker than he did her.

It's not worth it op. You know that. You will have a broken heart for a long time. And because you ended it while you were still in love you can fantasise that it would have been amazing even in 10years. The reality is that the ongoing pressure would have made your life miserable. Time will heal you and one day you won't regret this

[Abricot1993]

There is a section in the Guardian newspaper called "a letter to..." and people use it to write all sorts of personal situations. Maybe you could write it, with names changed and send it there?