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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

A letter to my ex's Indian parents

90 replies

brightonrockk · 14/01/2017 18:35

My partner of 1 year and I have recently decided to end things. We are very much in love. He is indian, I am english. We decided we had to end it because of his parents - he is very loyal to them, he cannot be happy if they aren't and if that happens 4 years down the line then it's going to hurt a lot more than it does now.

I have never spoken to his parents, I don't really know what they truly think of me. I would like to write them a letter, mainly for closure for myself (selfishly) and also because I hope to remain friends with my ex for a long, long time and would like to reach out to the people who raised such a good heart. I want to tell them that I - we - never meant for our relationship to pain them, and they have got such a wonderful son.

I am NOT writing this hoping to change their mind about me - I will never be able to do that I don't think.

I just don't know what to put, or if there are any 'triggers' that will make them seriously dislike me. My ex and I are not together any more, we can't be, I painfully accept that, but we so strongly wish to always be good friends with each other.

Any advice?

OP posts:

Report

brightonrockk · 14/01/2017 19:33

I completely realise all of these things - his parents come first, me second. I think people on here have got the wrong impression of him. He is made of nothing but good intentions, but I have been his first girlfriend and he has never had to deal with anything like this before. He is a sensitive guy, and does not like to think of anything that causes pain and ache, which is why we are in this situation. You live and you learn, I have no anger towards him because of this. His loyal nature is, after all, why I love him, and I wouldn't change any part of him and hence I have to accept this. To change this situation would be to change him, and in that case the world would really be missing out.

They won't care for me (his Dad will probably feel something but his Mother nothing), I know that. I don't want to write for them - I want to write for myself (closure) and my ex (who above all else I want to be happy and have a wonderful life with someone he loves, whether that be a black, white or indian woman, and whom I now know won't be me, but I don't want his parents to think he was rebelling or trying to sin against them).

I guess where I am coming from is that the worse thing has already happened for us, I don't know how it could get much worse. You can't get worse than a broken heart and soul.

I shall write the letter, and then think about what everyone has said.

OP posts:

Lessthanaballpark · 14/01/2017 19:34

FWIW from the other thread it did seem that he really liked you. But the parental pressure for that kind of thing is obviously too strong for him.

brightonrockk · 14/01/2017 19:40

He was NOT using me for sex. He does love me in the same way I love him - I do not want to be in a relationship where our fate depends on someone who disapproves me so I too am choosing to end this, but I love him.

And for those who think a year is nothing, then you simply have not experienced it.

I don't think people quite understand what the parental pressure in some Indian families can be. You don't have a choice sometimes. We both don't. It doesn't change our feelings, it just really really hurts to both admit the situation and accept it. And that's the reality, star crossed lovers. It does not mean there was no love.

OP posts:

OhTheRoses · 14/01/2017 19:42

Oh do you know what love I'd write a letter albeit rather tongue in cheek.

Dear ex's parents

Just thought I'd let you know that my parents are as relieved as you that my relationship with your son has ended.

I have reflected and appreciate my relationship with your son must have upset you as much as it upset my parents. I hope he is coming to terms with his terrible mistake as much as I am. Fortunately for me the UK is more intellectually developed in the context of race and equality and the impact of our relationship is less likely to be detrimental to him than to me.

I hope he will find happiness and meets an Indian girl who would be regarded as my equal in England.

I am sorry I didn't have the pleasure of meeting you.

Memsahib Brightonrokk

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2017 19:43

He is a sensitive guy, and does not like to think of anything that causes pain and ache, which is why we are in this situation.

He doesn't mind causing you pain and ache though?

Is he the eldest child by any chance?

Bluntness100 · 14/01/2017 19:43

Ok, ask him before you send the letter, let him see it.

You're being all Romeo and Juliet about how much you love him and want what's best for him, but at no stage are you saying you've discussed this with him and will show him the letter.

And I suspect that's because you know damn well he will ask you not to.

So I'm sorry, you can't love him that much, because you're contemplating causing him a problem.

brightonrockk · 14/01/2017 19:43

I do not regret a single memory with that boy. He has improved me as a person, as I have done him. We have grown together, learned how to trust, how to love.

When you love someone, you love them for their faults too. His fault is that he is too loyal. He deserves no grief for this, none at all. I just hope to God he learns from this.

OP posts:

brightonrockk · 14/01/2017 19:45

He never thought he would be causing me pain and ache. When it's your first love, pain and ache are the last things you ever think of.

He is the eldest and has a twin.

OP posts:

TrinityForce · 14/01/2017 19:45

How old are you, OP? You sound very young

WanderingTrolley1 · 14/01/2017 19:46

No point sending his parents a letter. They will be happy he's no longer with you.

MerryMarigold · 14/01/2017 19:46

I married someone whose parents were not pleased because I was not from his culture but accepted me because they wanted their son to be happy. It's not easy with the different cultures but with nasty parents and a man who can't stand up to them you are WELL out of it.

brightonrockk · 14/01/2017 19:47

This thread is not for telling me how much I love him. I adore him. That is the only reason I am letting him go, so both of us have less pain in the long run.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 14/01/2017 19:48

Yup. But you're still going to write to his parents without asking him first and showing him the letter.

That's real love that is.

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2017 19:49

Ahh Bingo!

If he is the eldest (either with or without a twin) he's very likely to be disinherited, should he choose to settle with someone who is not Indian.

I live in a predominantly Indian area and this is nearly always the case.

The sewing of wild oats with whoever they choose before they settle for a nice Indian woman, is also very common.

I really wouldn't bother with the letter, OP.

It's likely to make no difference at all.

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2017 19:51

That is the only reason I am letting him go, so both of us have less pain in the long run.

Well that and the fact he's chosen his parents over you, so you have zero choice but to 'let him go'.

Jaagojaago · 14/01/2017 19:53

I am glad you decided to end it. And that you listened to us on that thread.

You are 19.

You write as though you are Juliet.

Please do not insult those with many many years over you of committed fulfilling relationships that they have built through love and hard work over years that they simply don't understand how extra special your love is.

All this he loves me so he hurts me and I love him so I let him go - when you are 40, married, perhaps with a couple of kids and settled into an amazing and real relationship - you will read these words back and realise how very very very naive you were.

The Indian parents do not care.

You have no idea how very much they do not care about that letter.

This is not Romeo and Juliet.

brightonrockk · 14/01/2017 19:54

Thank you all for the messages, I'm just heartbroken and I guess looking for some sort of remedy for myself and, I don't know, I just want the best for my ex in his life. I really hurt for him, because someone like that deserves all the good things served on a silver platter, and he cannot have that.

It's so sad.

I will write for myself, and almost definitely not send, I just really don't know how to deal with any of these emotions and words have always been a huge outlet for me.

OP posts:

brightonrockk · 14/01/2017 19:54

No, I ended it with him, I did have a choice.

OP posts:

TwitterQueen1 · 14/01/2017 19:55

Op, when I say a year is nothing, it's precisely because I DO have experience of love and passion and short and long-term relationships.

When you're as old as I am you will agree with me!

lookformeinrainbows · 14/01/2017 19:55

Some of us may not be aware of the parental pressure you mention, although many are. That said, your boyfriend certainly knew, but until recently it seems he let you believe you may have a future together. Consequently, communication from you to his parents is not a good idea.

This is such a painful time for you, but hopefully when some time has past, you will find someone who is able to share a life with you. Don't shut yourself away, romanticising the star crossed lovers bit, while life passes you by.

Jaagojaago · 14/01/2017 19:56

Your ex is a chicken.

Mark my words -

you will not be able to move on till you stop idolising this man and till you stop contact completely

Namechangeemergency · 14/01/2017 19:56

Sorry, I know you are hurting but I think you are making this into a romantic fantasy.
Doomed lovers pulled apart by cruel family.

He knew what he was doing and he has the perfect back out clause.
He cannot break mummy's heart.

Fact is if he wanted to be with you, he would be. But he isn't.

I hope you are able to move on from this.
I don't think you will if you keep clinging to the Mills and Boon version.

I know I sound harsh but I genuinely don't like to think of you hurting.

I wish you well.

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MerryMarigold · 14/01/2017 19:57

What was your choice Brighton, to have him end it later, when the marriage goods turn up?

ohdarling · 14/01/2017 19:57

They won't care. They may not even read it. They are racists.

Jaagojaago · 14/01/2017 19:58

You had NO choice.

Here were your options -

Be sex partner for the next 3 years after which get chucked on the pavement for a horoscope matched Indian girl

Leave now.

Your only choice was between getting dumped after wasting your university years - or - leaving before he dumped you.

That's not a choice. It's called salvaging some self respect and not waiting to be dumped.

Flip

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