I've just told my husband I hate him, what do I do now?

[Wharm14]

Ok, it was said in anger after we had a disagreement over how we are trying to sleep train our ten month old but still, thats not good is it? I don't know where it came from, I just blurted it out. To be fair, he had just told me he wanted to separate so I suppose I just lashed out.
I've got PND, am signed off sick at work and going for counselling in a couple of weeks to try and sort it out but we can't stop snapping at each other, it's been like this ever since our son was born.
I think today has just lived up to its name of been the worst day in January for depression. I suppose I'm going to have to suck it up and apologise aren't I?

wharm you are not doing anything wrong! The worst fights we ever had were around sleep training. I was the weak link - but fwiw, I don't think it's wrong to get DH to go in. My 2 both settle much better for DH because I'm the cuddlier parent, he never got them out the cot. FWIW, as long as they're able to sleep through the night, and you do the training consistently I don't think there's a wrong way, it's just bloody awful when you're doing it. If you're at the point of splitting up, throw money at a sleep consultant - cheaper than divorce! Then the expert can be bad cop.

mine are older now and sleep through and I can laugh about it - but the worst most awful sweary fights were when we were listening to them cry. Happy days (not)

All of my children would scream blue murder for me if they knew I was in the house. When I wasn't there, they were fine (if a little less happy) with their father. So there's a good chance it will work out once you are back at work.

In the meantime, you need to talk calmly about an approach you are both happy with. You can't impose your views on each other or all you will do is create more stress.

I think it's worth apologising for those words. You are both overwhelmed. You are on the same side here and presumably what you meant is 'I hate this situation, I hate feeling like this, I'm frustrated .....'
I think you need to take the 'I hate you ' back so that you can talk about what to do next without that hanging over you.

Getting your husband to get up to settle the baby is nothing like CIO! It wasn't until dh started doing this that ds1 started sleeping through (mummy coming meant milk, which was his preferred method of going to sleep but by 10 months I was on my knees). With ds2 nothing worked but at least we shared the pain.

I wouldn't be supportive of a husband who thought the only option was that the OP does it all. Having said which dh and I had an understanding that anything said at 2am stayed at 2am because our otherwise lovely marriage could get close to breaking point then.

OP does he seriously want to separate?

As you've confirmed that your dh is not supporting you and that you've done absolutely everything for 10 months, I would tell him to fuck the fuck off and leave you to it. You have done everything until now, thereby proving that you would cope if he did actually leave you to it. I suspect he wouldn't though, he is just trying to bully and guilt you into continuing to do everything as it suits him very well.

I martyred myself for 3.5 years with our two babies. Last year I finally saw it for what it was, and kicked my dh out. Within a couple of months he was back and magically doing many things that previously he had claimed he couldn't do. Please get tough with your dh or you will end up run into the ground.

I bf DS for 10 months and did all the night wakings- he woke multiple times a night, wouldn't settle, didn't nap. I was on my knees with sleep deprivation. DH even slept in another room so he wouldn't wake up. When we moved on to formula I remember DH doing one night and declaring he was too exhausted to do it again. I'm sure I said a lot worse than I hated him. Divorce was mentioned more than once. I wouldn't feel bad if I were you. I would feel cross.

It's so hard op - ime baby needs to be more attached to daddy in daytime before they'll accept them at night.

But their opinions to change and do matter. My ds has been utterly mummy's boy till 3.5 (sorry). But all baby's are different.

I'd have cuddled I have to say.

My DH wanted me to do what you want. I couldn't. It physically hurt me. Your DH might feel the same.

OP, I read some research that said that the year after a baby is born is the most common time for couples to split up, it also said that many people who reported being unhappy with their partners at that time point were happy with them several years later. So, all is not lost. I disliked my husband intensely around this time and it was a combination of sleep deprivation (which makes anyone feel awful), loss of role, stress of not knowing how to cope with a baby and so on. I'm sure he didn't like me very much either.

Apologise, breathe deeply and move on.

FWIW, I could not have co-slept and worked f/t in my job, I needed my dd2 to sleep at night (or at least for a few hours) so I could sleep and function- I crashed the car through exhaustion around this time, and so vowed that sleep training would be done before I returned to work when she was about 7 months. In fact, she then started sleeping very well by herself, but I don't regret sleep training my eldest at all, I could not meet the needs of a baby 24/7, all night without help and without any attempt to get them to sleep through and then do a demanding job in the day.

You sound like a lovely Mum, who is struggling right now and realising that dh has had it easy, doesn't appreciate how hard you've worked with ds and is having a taste now and not liking it.

That said, I always found it impossible to ignore my babies crying for me. Could he maybe do other things for now, to ease things for you?

DH didn't understand how it felt until DD3 decided that no-one but Daddy was to settle her in the night.

I laughed myself back to sleep every single time she woke for 6 months until she got out of the waking habit. He was shattered after a week of it.

I know that's no help to you wharm sorry.

I empathise OP. Since having our second DC who is a reluctant sleeper my dh and I have been falling out on a regular basis. I don't remember it being like this with the first. However this one has been breastfed which has placed more of an emphasis on me I suppose. With formula fed DC1 we used to take it in turns to get up in the night. It is exhausting being the only one to deal with all of the night-shifts. He doesn't seem to get how tiring it is. I have been through periods of pnd too.
We're 2 years in now and dc2 is gradually coming around to the idea of daddy a bit more. She does still protest loudly sometimes but we're trying to be as gentle as we can about it.
We also have different ideas on some aspects of parenting now. Mine have changed whilst his have stayed the same.
Not much help for you but you're not alone.

Well said, Mamaka

Yeah I hated my husband for most of the first year after DD was born.

She's two now. I like him again.

It's just hard.

Just tell him you dont hate him and that you are just exhausted. Its so hard with a baby. My husband was pretty crap when DS was a baby. When DS got bigger and became more 'fun' then he became much more interested and useful. I have just put that period to the back of my mind.

I'm pretty sure your husband won't hold it against you. It was just something said in anger.

Another saying give yourself a break ...it is a hard time for you both. The only thing I would say is when he is in the house with your DS on his own he is going to have to cope with the crying so maybe don't worry too much about it now.

I told DP I hated him more than once in the early years - it is infuriating when you take all the childcare on yourself then expect them to step up and they don't. You thought you were a team...and find you aren't.
I would stick to it - force him to help more, set the ground rules. I made the mistake of not doing that and we came very close to splitting up a few years down the line when I realised I was being a mug - everything DD related was my 'job' even though we were both then working full time.
Two memorable times -
When DD1 was a few months old he was supposed to look after her 2 half days a week -she was in nursery rest of the time as I'd gone back to work full time (and he worked weekends). He did it for two weeks - 4 half days and the first day I had to go home as 'she was crying so much he thought she was in real pain' - turns out he hadn't fed her -hadn't even tried - when I'd told him I would be expecting her to need a feed an hour before...
She was bf and was on a mixture of ebf and formula in bottles. She happily took either in bottle at nursery but DP said she wouldn't for him. We had a big argument - I watched him give her a bottle -it was a really half hearted attempt (I think he thought she was going to knock it back like a pint of beer). It was a lot harder too cos I was around - I gave him a few tips, told him to try on his own and left the room. He came and thrust her into my arms less than 30s later and said you do it...I ended up in tears as of course the last person she would want to take a bottle off was the person who normally bf her...but I thought if she would take it for me it would prove she would take it for him ...and she did eventually. But I was filled with loathing...
The mistake I made after that was to think he just couldn't manage and to get her into nursery full time...so he was really let off the hook.

Another time was when he phoned me at a work conference in a hotel, miles away, telling me he had agreed to work that evening and I needed to get back earlier to look after her...(I was due back late, after Nursery closed)
No signal so he had phoned the hotel reception - given only as a dire emergency number. Not only did it throw me into a mad panic - I thought something awful had happened to DD, it was embarrassing - I was called out of a presentation for an 'urgent' phone call (and yes he had said it was urgent). He had agreed to work because they were short staffed and he didn't want to let them down but he was happy enough to let me and my work down ... he wouldn't even ask to go in late - even though he was doing them a favour.
I couldn't actually get away early anyway (I had got a lift with several other people - in a real emergency I could have got a cab but would be ££££ -maybe even triple figures). He actually took DD into work with him, left her in her car seat in the staff room ... I was fuming.
I do have to say that after a rough few years, when I felt it would be easier without him, he has improved and is now complaining that I don't involve him enough in the DCs lives...

It's a tough time - very clingy 1 year old here.
I understand where your coming from about going back to work, agreeing on a method and sticking to it (or at least giving it a go) but for us.. At night, the only one my baby wants is me (husband has tried everything but I find it just takes me longer to resettle once taking over)
, it's bloody hard but i just think my baby is too young to be understanding that mum is tired and it's dads turn to wake up.
Lack of sleep never helps and we have had some epic (pointless) arguments but once wev both calmed down we just talk about it and both get our point across.
Then again, I'm not much help as we have done zero sleep training, I co sleep after the first wake up and I'm in the camp of 'they will sleep through one day' 😂

My MIL goes on about how I'll have to let ds cry it out at some point

I hate this sort of advice.

Our children are nearly grown up now and we have never left them to "cry it out".

Your MIL is not helping an already-difficult situation. Tell her to butt out.

And good luck with sorting this whole thing out: it's so hard dealing with small children no matter how much you love them and work to do the right thing.

otoh, my DC both muck DH around much less than me at bedtime and for night wakings. They want me, but they will want me to cuddle them for a lot longer if I go in than if DH goes in. If you're both returning to work, then that's the time when your DH ought to be able to settle your DS without you some nights so the shitwork of night wakings (should they persist) is split. DC need multiple secure attachments, 2 parents doing the same routines and enforcing consistent parenting methods is ideal.

I didn't make that MIL comment, mine actually said to me on the phone last night (whilst DH was settling DS) that it was time DH took his turn and to stop feeling guilty which is what I was telling her!
I'm in tears reading all your kind replies, I'm just leaving a dr's appt (asthma related) and am going home to apologise to DH for what I said and see if we can make friends and move forward.
Thank you to everyone who's taken the time to reply, it does really help knowing I'm not alone! The nurse just told me I have to take some time for myself, do some yoga or something so I must do that to feel better about it all.

I've just sat down with DH and apologised for what I said - you know what, turns out he didn't even hear me say it!!! He did apologise for saying he wanted to separate though and we cuddled and I cried and we discussed the sleep training. DH thinks it isn't fair to let DS cry for me, when the aim is to get DS to settle for both of us. I agreed to modify what we are doing and just stick with changing bedtime for now, where I BF DS, then we both read him a story then I leave whilst DH rocks/shush pats him to sleep. Previously we had been doing shared bath time/dressed, then cuddles whilst one of us read him a story, then I BF him to sleep in the dark. Last night I BF him with the light on, then put him in his sleeping bag, DH came in and took him, I read him a story and said goodnight. He then did fall asleep happily in DH's arms. He also just went down for a nap with a bottle with DH whilst I was out at the dr's, another first!
Having kids really stresses you out, if we can make it through this, then hopefully we'll come out the other end stronger because of it. As a pp said though, it might make us just consider sticking to the one!

Well done for addressing it and good luck with the new routine - be consistent with it and don't let anyone guilt you into taking on more responsibility than your dh!
Definitely start doing something for yourself on a regular basis, the yoga is a great idea.

ah wharm, eventually they start sleeping, they get really fun and you start cooing over baby photos and then bam, the next one is on the way and you develop amnesia, because surely it'll be easier the second time...glad you sorted it out together.