is DH BU about christmas presents or am I?

[knitpicker]

Two of our three children have quite recent diagnoses of ASD, they are both teenagers, the youngest is NT. Every christmas up until now, present giving has been centred on the children's gift. This year, our youngest showed me a list of gifts she was saving to buy for family and friends. It occurred to me that neither of the other two had any intention of buying her a present so I had a chat with DH and with the teens and instigated a present exchange system where everyone would buy a little gift for everyone in the family and receive one in return. The fact I had to sit down and spell it all out for everyone actually made me a little sad. All three children have bought little gifts for each other and for both us parents. I have most of my gifts bought and told DH what they were, he has now kicked off with a massive tantrum saying he had no idea we were buying separate gifts and can the gifts I bought be from us both. I have refused on the grounds that this is reciprocal gifting and a lesson in modelling this behaviour for the two boys who otherwise might not automatically learn how to give and receive. They do not always observe and learn social norms and customs, we have to teach them that gifting is not one way traffic - which it has been for them all along. Am I being unreasonable to insist he buys everyone a little gift too?

[Madshiplollipop]

Nice - we do this too.

[NiceFalafels]

But we do little gifts between family members too as a way of helping them consider others

[NiceFalafels]

Father Christmas just delivers a small stocking of gifts in our house. All the other gifts have name tags with who sent them. Means our kids appreciate others efforts

[Lessthanaballpark]

OP, at first I was a bit as I've always thought presents to DC come from joint parents, but having read your later threads and realising you mean just little side gifts then yes, I understand your reasoning.

In our house my parents always buys a separate present for each of us even though the main presents are joint. Even though I'm grown up I always appreciate it because it feels more personal.

Agree also about the idea of modelling to your boys about present buying. I have an ASD DS and this part is incredibly stressful for him so I've let it slide. I might be inspired by your thread to reinstate it, but maybe next year!

[FishlessCake]

Joysmum we all do what we choose in regards to Christmas traditions in our families . For me its a small amount of time they believe in Father Christmas and this works for us. Especially with having no other family so no thanking other people or other presents coming into the house.

[Joysmum]

All of the presents come from Father Christmas

Father Christmas is a glorified postman in our house who delivers the presents that people want him to and brings an additional gift from himself. plus nobody else is taking the credit all the effort we put in

[HardcoreLadyType]

Motherofdragons, the exercise is intended to show the family, particularly the boy's with ASD, that gift giving is a "nice thing".

It sounds like it's a lesson the father should be learning, as well.

[BlackeyedSusan]

makes a note in calandar for next year.

October you say?

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

M0therofdragons - do you have children with autism?

[FishlessCake]

All of the presents come from Father Christmas here. But we have no other family so on Christmas Eve night we sit around the tree and do a present exchange. We have all bought each other a gift and a gift from the cats . Dh also presumed ours would be joint but I explained it wouldn't be fair based on the children buying for us separate and us buying for each other. So I do completely get what you are saying, as its separate from proper Christmas presents as its a fun token gesture.

[m0therofdragons]

Omg gift giving is a nice thing, it shouldn't be this complicated ever!

[Joysmum]

They are only small gifts. Surely your DH could nip out and grab something. Even four boxes of chocolates

Gifts should be thoughtful and thought about if the DH gives generic standard gifts such as these that kind of defeats the whole object of what the OP was trying to achieve with the children.

The thing with smaller gifts is that they require more thought to get right. If DH hadn't understood he was to buy extra gifts, then he's not had opportunity to give it thought.

Surely if this had been properly communicated or discussed with DH then budgets and numbers of gifts and what was being bought should have been discussed so there was no duplication, no disparity in budget or numbers of gifts to ensure fairness so one parent wasn't being outdone or the combined gifts from both parents wasn't too excessive.

[JellyBabiesSaveLives]

hmm, did you spell it out to your dh as clearly as you did to your sons? And if not, perhaps that was needed? But now he knows, he needs to get on with it!

I totally get what you say about not wanting the females in the family to be the ones putting all the effort into present buying. Our children will be receiving a pile of presents "from Mum and Dad", all of which will be a surprise to dh on Christmas morning. They will also receive a single present each, purchased and wrapped by dh. I notice that he has written "from Dad" on the label .

Meanwhile my dd has bought thoughtful presents for everyone, and my sons have looked at me and said "what am I giving everyone?". I feel a conversation coming on. Next October, apparently !

[NiceFalafels]

They are only small gifts. Surely your DH could nip out and grab something. Even four boxes of chocolates

[NiceFalafels]

I know family and friends children with autism. What you are doing is excellent in so many ways. You are helping them learn/practice social etiquette and challenging gender stereotypes.

We do this with my NT kids and they take so much joy in choosing and wrapping gifts. The present opening and present keeping is very special.

[pklme]

I get what you are doing here, and think it is fine. I think he should have understood, and should now rush to catch up.

What you were doing was important. ASD often runs in families. Did he need it spelling out to him more clearly, or could you have assumed he knew?

[TwitterQueen1]

Cherry "does he always get unreasonably angry over quite minor issues?" Laughing at this MN example of mega-patronising statement at its best...

It's not U to be pissed off because you suddenly realise that your OH expects you to get a whole load of mirror presents for your DC 3 days before Christmas - not something that your family has done before (if I read your OP correctly, OP).

It's simple miscommunication here. You thought one thing OP. Your DH clearly assumed another (understandably, IMHO).

[Cherrysoup]

I think a three way exchange or even five if you include yourself and the DH is quite nice, it will teach them all to consider others, but I do see your DH's PoV, presents are usually from both parents if they're together. He appears to have misunderstood and I'd say the bigger issue is that he has not properly understood and is now cross at having to buy last minute and does he always get unreasonably angry over quite minor issues? I mean, if he has to wait til Saturday, it's not brilliant, or he can use Amazon Prime next day delivery tonight.

If he's refusing to participate in the new system, I'd be worried that he's not on board with your idea and the reason behind it.

[HardcoreLadyType]

I'm amazed frankly, that many posters can't seem to see beyond their own family circumstances. Your OP makes it very clear why you came up with the idea. The very fact that your DH expects you to do the gift giving for him shows that this is an important exercise for your family, even if ASD were not an issue.

[knitpicker]

Thanks to all repliers - very mixed opinions though and some a bit heated, which was unexpected. The first conversation about this system was in early November (after Halloween) - once I realised DD was buying for everyone. The kids have one big present - gifted jointly from parents - and this was supposed to be an exercise in teaching the boys that giving could be as rewarding as receiving - hence the individual exchange of thoughtful little tokens.
Yikes - it was supposed to be so nice and easy and now it's a mess. I suppose what I am really trying to address is the gender imbalance in the house where I do all the emotional 'work' and can see DD falling into that too and I want the boys to see they also need to consider others. Which they have, to be fair - once it was clearly explained what was expected of them. The only person not on message is DH but some of you feel that's fair enough. I am massively conflicted now.

[junebirthdaygirl]

When your dc go on to be parents themselves they will have learnt that parents give jointly, otherwise they may rigidly stick to individual presents and find it difficult to change. I'm with your dh here. It's better to teach them that the more regular way is parents jointly giving. We still do this and children in their twenties.

[Goingtobeawesome]

YANBU - the children may be confused if they give out two presents and get one back.

My youngest has bought for his siblings. I doubt they've thought to buy for him[parent fail].

[dementedpixie]

I think it's a bit strange that you would send gifts separately from you and your dh. Anything we buy for the kids comes from both of us regardless of who purchased it. Did he know fully what your new plans were?

[Madshiplollipop]

Ok if it's something really useful for those with ASD then he is being unreasonable. Assuming you discussed this in advance. It sounds like an excellent way to help with a valuable example for them to follow. I didn't know. I can already think of a family situation where this would be useful intel . Did he know?

[Joysmum]

Very unusual to not gift together for children. DH and I will both address anything we have bought as being from both of us, even though we don't shop together and only one of us bought it. We are clear to say what we bought so that we can ensure that between us we aren't going over the top.

If you weren't clear about you both buying separately and addressing them separately then I can see why your DH hasn't realised this was happening and been very irritated as I can imagine both DH and I both reacting the same way. Expecially given that I'm better at tapping into what our DD likes when it comes to smaller things, poor DH could feel outdone on the smaller additional gift front.

"We judge ourselves by our intentions but others by their actions" is the adage that comes to mind here.