How are your DCs after separation/divorce?

[Lostandlonely1979]

Another poster's thread has got me thinking. I've been doing a lot of reading about divorce and its effects on children but I really want to hear from people who are going through it/have come out the other side. The good/bad/ugly - all of it.

I won't go into too much detail but in short, my situation is that DH and I are completely incompatible and what love there was on my part has died, despite a lot of effort (mainly on my part) over the past 3 years (married for almost 6). We fell into marriage/kids very quickly and we've both agreed that was incredibly immature and stupid of us, though we adore DDs of course and have no regrets on that side. But it is what it is and we have to make the best of this going forward.

We're in counselling but it's becoming more and more obvious that we will struggle to go the distance without compromising our indivudal happiness significantly. So - we'd be staying together for the kids, in a relatively harmonious friendship/partnership with very little genuine intimacy, though a lot of mutual affection. I think he's an utterly wonderful human being, I just don't love him.

So if you'd be willing to share your experiences, I'd be so grateful. Our DDs are 6 and 4. In general very happy, well adjusted little girls. I suspected they're picking up on all this, though DH disagrees.

Thank you in advance

[Lostandlonely1979]

Toastie you're not wrong. In fact, since having airing all this with H (stbx..?) i've been more myself with my girls than ever. I feel lighter. I want to be with them all the time. Before I was always running away, and thought that perhaps I needed space from them. But it wasn't them I was running from...

Leaving when the DCs have grown and flown fills me with dread. I don't want them thinking they lived a lie and I certainly can't carry on like this for another 10-15 years without losing my mind and completely losing myself. And probably doing something awful like cheating on H.

pisssssed How old were your DCs when you split? There's going to be fallout and I have to face that. I do get to choose when that fallout occurs (and to hopefully mitigate any damage), which I didn't actually realise was an option until recently.

notrocket So sorry to hear what you've been through, what a nasty pair of people. Well done you for being the solid, loving parent they so desperately need.

[pickledparsnip]

My son was 2.5 years when ex moved out. The arguing was horrendous and the final straw was when ex punched the hallway wall repeatedly and ds just stood there and laughed.

Ds cried for him off and on, but ex worked away a lot anyway, so he was used to not seeing him for ages.

Despite our feelings towards each other, me and ex have always tried to be civil to each other (definitely not always easy).

In my experience, the trouble started when ex introduced his partner (now wife) to ds and refused to spend any time with ds without her there. It was all too quick and no sensitivity was shown to ds.

[Pisssssedofff]

The child I would say it's affected most was 10 at the time.
What I'm referring to I guess is friends that did it earlier had come through all the shit and were out the other side with new partners etc before the teen years kicked in. Mine were just hitting teenage years so all the usual shit on top of the whole parents splitting, it just couldn't have been any worse if we'd tried.

[Sheusedtobesomeonelse]

My DDs were 4 1/2 and 6 1/2.
I honestly thought it would be harder for them, it took roughly a month and they settled very well into a new routine of 50/50 parenting, from friday-friday (expecit in july and august when its 2 weeks/2weeks).

I think the younger they are, the more resiliant they are as they don't have anything to compare to.

I do like a PP : the "do you remember" conversations too.. as i want them to know that were did love each other with their Daddy before, it just didn't work out. I don't want them thinking we can't talk about "before". It's sad that our marriage didn't work out, but its not the end of my world, and def. not theirs! But he is a very good dad though..

[Lostandlonely1979]

All very useful and interesting to hear, thank you. We're both committed to a run of counselling in the coming months so whatever happens, we'll come out better people. really interesting to hear all these perspectives, thanks so much for sharing.

[RedYellowPinkandGreen]

You sound like you have really good understanding of your relationship and feelings.

We didn't have counselling, in part because I knew it wouldn't be wise given our dynamic. But also because I wasn't sure that dissecting our relationship and feelings would enhance an amicable relationship for co-parenting. And I was pretty sure it was over.

In fact stbxh doesn't even know some of the things that bothered me because I think they'd be difficult to get past.

Your relationship is very different though. There wasn't a great deal of affection or communication happening at the end for us. So of course what works for you may he entirely different.

I hope you find a way to be happy.

[ToastieRoastie]

Like Red I hope you find a way to be happy too.

I'd also be careful of counselling - I did it and looking back, it just made me feel worse. I tried so hard to address the issues that ExP said I had - but it wasn't me, we were fundamentally mis-matched. I wasted emotional energy on something I didn't need to do.

If your aim is not to find a way to be together long term, then I'd question whether counselling (if it involves picking faults) is valuable. If it's to sort out what you'll do with DC etc when you seperate, then that's different and prob worth it.

I agree that one of you is ripe for an affair. If you meet someone who makes you feel lighter, it would be so tempting. Splitting would be so much harder with a third party involved and is likely to damage your amicable relationship.

[Losgunna]

My parents and my best friend's (who I've known since we were three) parents divorced around the same time.

I was upset that my parents split up and that I didn't get to see my dad as much, only weekends instead of evenings and weekends, and wasn't keen on moving out, but they had a very amicable breakup, they are still good friends and there is still affection of a sort if not love still there. They both handled it very maturely and if there was bitterness, resentment or regret on either side they didn't let it show or let it affect me. Neither of them called the other to me. As a result I'm still a little sad that their marriage didn't last but more in the sort of way that I would be for anyone's long term relationship to end. I can see exactly why my mum left my dad too and I'm actually quite grateful that she did, I think it really was the best decision for all of us.
So on the whole I've come out of it really quite unscathed with q great relationship with both of my parents. I consider myself exceptionally lucky.

My friend on the other hand, her parents didn't handle it nearly so well. There was an OW involved, an awful lot of pettiness and using the kids as weapons on both sides. Both of her parents acted with all the maturity of a couple of teenagers and now her and her two siblings are manner of screwed up in the head, her sister has serious mental health issues triggered by the drama and circumstances of the divorce, has ended up hospitalised due to self harm and in care. Her brother has gone nd. My friend has depression which she has been on medication for for 8 years and has had numerous bouts of counselling for. She's also very overweight as she comfort eats to ease the pain.

Our parents divorced 16 years ago. I'm fine, she and her siblings aren't. I firmly believe that how well a split is handled by the adults has an enormous impact on how it affects the children.