How are your DCs after separation/divorce?

[Lostandlonely1979]

Another poster's thread has got me thinking. I've been doing a lot of reading about divorce and its effects on children but I really want to hear from people who are going through it/have come out the other side. The good/bad/ugly - all of it.

I won't go into too much detail but in short, my situation is that DH and I are completely incompatible and what love there was on my part has died, despite a lot of effort (mainly on my part) over the past 3 years (married for almost 6). We fell into marriage/kids very quickly and we've both agreed that was incredibly immature and stupid of us, though we adore DDs of course and have no regrets on that side. But it is what it is and we have to make the best of this going forward.

We're in counselling but it's becoming more and more obvious that we will struggle to go the distance without compromising our indivudal happiness significantly. So - we'd be staying together for the kids, in a relatively harmonious friendship/partnership with very little genuine intimacy, though a lot of mutual affection. I think he's an utterly wonderful human being, I just don't love him.

So if you'd be willing to share your experiences, I'd be so grateful. Our DDs are 6 and 4. In general very happy, well adjusted little girls. I suspected they're picking up on all this, though DH disagrees.

Thank you in advance

[CrabbyJo]

Yes it does always seem that way. The first couple of years were difficult but now me and my ex are very good friends and the DC can't ever remember us not being on very friendly terms. I obviously don't tell them it took a while lol.

[footballmum]

Different perspective from me. I am/was a child of divorced parents and it affected me and my siblings greatly. However it was a very acrimonious split that went on for years and years and we were dragged through the middle of it. I have very few happy memories of my childhood 🙁

DH on the other hand also went through this parents divorcing and it's barely impacted on him at all. His parents remain good friends to this day.

I agree with what a PP said and I think it's very much down to the manner of the split rather than the split itself.

[Lostandlonely1979]

Thank you all so much for your input. Some very sad stories emerging but sounds like if the adults can be civil and even friendly, it can ultimately be far B etter for dcs than if they'd continued flogging the dead horse of their relationship.

[dimots]

Unhappy. Psycho somatic ailments and refusing to talk about the split at all. Their father and I are not on speaking terms. The split came out of the blue due to his infidelity though and we had a happy home before. He maintains that the children are unaffected but he only sees what he wants to see.

[Lostandlonely1979]

Sorry to read that dimots sounds incredibly painful for you and DCs. How old are they?

[ToastieRoastie]

The DC will be fine if you present it as a good thing - they'll unlikely to think it's weird or something to get upset about, if they're not getting that vibe from you or their dad.

My exP is an engaged parent (more so than when we were together). Neither of us goes more than 3 nights without seeing DC. We live close so that we can take DC to parties, clubs etc at weekend - they don't miss out on anything because we're apart.

If you have both come to the realisation it's not going to work long term, I'd say it's best to separate now (if finances allow) before you start to feel that you've given up your life for DC - they'll pick up that you're unhappy. Also don't forget you're modelling how relationships work. They'll grow up thinking its normal for mums and dads not to hug, kiss, laugh together, be affectionate.

[MozzchopsThirty]

I think the dcs are happier now that when we were together

Ds1 (12) has actually said he's glad because both of us are happier, more fun, and he likes that we still talk and discuss things

However I feel about my ex I never convey that to the kids and neither does exh.

Best thing I ever did for me and for my children

[FockerFun]

Mine are absolutely fine which i think is down to two things. One, im fine & happy to be out of the relationship and two we make a huge effort to be friendly. Any issues are discussed over email only!
We are not divorced yet though so worrying that might bring out the arguing

[dimots]

They were 10 and 8 at the time. This was 2 years ago. Their father sees them EOW but the eldest doesn't like going. I don't think it's because of ex but because some kids really struggle with living between 2 houses.

[ToastieRoastie]

From my very limited experience of other single parents - I think the biggest factor in how DC react is how the parents manage the split.

If it's amicable and people put their feelings aside (which I know can be painful if as a result of infidelity etc), DC will likely be ok. My DC think ex and I are friends - they see us being nice to each other, going to parents evening together, both coming to watch shows, birthday cake always cut with both of us there. They have no idea I bitch about him to my friends to get things off my chest so I can be amicable with him!

[dimots]

Yeah, that's another thing. There is nothing like going through a divorce to turn a friendly relationship sour. It is hard to be amicable with someone when you are in dispute over finances.

[pieceofpurplesky]

Mine is a mess. It was totally out of the blue for both of us - think getting up one morning and exh packing his bags. We both found out at once.
Three years later DS has counselling/Camhs/anxiety and suicidal thoughts.
He has stayed at his dad's house about 10 times in three years as dad usually too busy.
DS won't let me leave his side in case I abandon him.

[Tingatingatale]

I am 7 months in and my children especially my eldest have been badly affected

I was the one who made the final decision to end it even though we had previously discussed it and I had tried to leave many times. Neither of us were happy. He spoke to me like crap in front of the children causing my children to scream at him to and we had a Sexless dead marriage. I met someone online three weeks before I left and we are still together.

My eldest is 7 and has just heard too much. He has seen ex h react to everything and heard me run down and blamed for everything. He is very angry with me and angry with the world. He tells me he wishes I was dead but then needs to sleep clinging onto me all night. Things are slowly improving but it is hard as I have 50/50 custody but exh will not communicate with me at all

[Mirandawest]

My two are 11 and nearly 13. XH moved out when they were 5 and 7. We've remained amicable, live within about 10-15 min from each other and have both now remarried.

I can't know what they'd be like if XH and I
had stayed together, but to me they seem like pretty normally adjusted children. Who can tell what things will be like in the next few years but if they carry on like they have for the last few years then I think it will be all right.

[Lostandlonely1979]

toastie I can imagine our setup being very similar to yours, so this is good to hear. We have certainly agreed that we would end up splitting when the DCs have grown and flown. I may live to reret saying this, but I just can't imagine H getting nasty. And I know I never would.

purple that sounds incredibly rough, you poor things. Hope you and DS will be okay in the long term, I'm sure he gets more than enough love from you.

Tinga well done for being brave enough to get out. But it sounds really, really hard for you and I hope to god it gets easier with time.

Miranda glad to hear you've had a positive experience. Amicable seems to be the key things running through all of this. Not always easy to achieve that, I can well imagine.

Mozzchops do you mind me asking why you left?

Dimots I worry about the two houses thing. There's upsides for the kids but I fear the constant feeling of going back and forth will be hard.

[RedYellowPinkandGreen]

Lost, one more thought. We had been so successful at hiding our problems it was really difficult for the eldest to understand that we hadn't been happy. Not sure you can do much with that!

[Lostandlonely1979]

RedYellow Sorry should have told you that your reply was really helpful to me. I, too, am massively depressed and noticeably downtrodden and flat in the house. Different story when I'm at work, with friends or out with DCs on my own. But in the house i feel crushed under the weight of my unhappiness. I feel sick at myself because I look at H and feel absolutely nothing other than pity, and he doesn't deserve that.

[RedYellowPinkandGreen]

Dont worry, you can't acknowledge everything.

A couple of posters helped me see that actually I was doing a good thing for my husband too.

Does it help to think that being with someone who isn't happy with him isn't good for your husband either? That really you are being strong and doing the right thing for him too?

[Potplant]

Mine seem ok but I've made an enormous effort to be friendly with him, even when he's being a complete arse. there were a lot of tears at first, but it quickly became the new normal.
Because he doesn't see them that often he's Mr Funtime. They ask him to go on fun days out whereas I'm there for cleaning dog poo off their shoes, washing PE kits, nagging about homework, cleaning teeth etc. All the stuff that isn't on his radar.

Pisses me off, but I don't let them see that.

[Lostandlonely1979]

It does help. I'm not remotely jealous at the idea of him with someone else. He deserves love just as much as anyone else. Thank you

pot it's a bit like that already in our house. Most of the boring stuff falls to me then he takes them out for fun because I need a break! Well done for keeping a lid on your frustrations. A little easier to do that when you don't have to cohabit with the source of them, I guess!

[Vintagegirl1]

I seperated from dh over 3 months ago. The dcs and I are living in the family home and he is staying at his parents. We tried one session of marriage guidance and I refused to go back as felt completely bullied (he is financially and emotionally abusive although will never admit this) I have been smugly telling everyone that my dcs are fine but in reality my youngest (6) is extremely confused and the oldest (13) is having anger issues. It's difficult as ex and I have not yet had the very difficult conversation that it is definately over although deep down we both know it is. I am having coun selling to try and get stronger so we can try and move forward.

[Lostandlonely1979]

vintage sorry you're going through this. Counselling solo sounds like a very good move and you'll know when you're ready to make this final. Good luck x

[ToastieRoastie]

Lost if you've agreed to separate when DC are older and you're already feeling downtrodden and flat in the house, do you think you'll feel any better at any point over the next ten or so years before DC leave home?

If you can't see how you could make yourself happier at home, then it will affect the DC. They'll see a flat mum. A mum and dad that don't show affection to each other.

My neighbours separated as soon as last DC went to uni. The DC were upset that their parents stayed together for them - they felt as if they were to blame. Their dad did nothing around the house or organising them. They blamed their mum for not being strong enough to walk away or to make him do stuff around the house and said they wished theat their parents had seperated years ago.

[Pisssssedofff]

Tbh you can't do right for doing wrong with kids. One of my DC has decided she is cross with her dad for staying with me when having affairs clearly meant he was unhappy - fair enough maybe - but fucking hell how him shagging around has become a sympathetic card to play I don't know. For every child that wishes the parents split earlier there's another who couldn't give a duck about your happiness and wished you'd stayed together no matter what. And that's why you do not stay for the kids, it's your life you please yourself

[notrocketscience]

Mine are fine now and have chosen to be zero contact with exh after several years of abuse and spite which he and the new wife openly did in front of the dcs (5 and 6 at the time). Horrible time of great unhappiness. Not once did they ever go willingly to spend time with him and finally after much wrangling through courts/cafcass/mediation, they finally got their way and are so much happier. In fact they are both well adjusted, mature and delightful individuals (and that's from the schools!).