How are your DCs after separation/divorce?

[Lostandlonely1979]

Another poster's thread has got me thinking. I've been doing a lot of reading about divorce and its effects on children but I really want to hear from people who are going through it/have come out the other side. The good/bad/ugly - all of it.

I won't go into too much detail but in short, my situation is that DH and I are completely incompatible and what love there was on my part has died, despite a lot of effort (mainly on my part) over the past 3 years (married for almost 6). We fell into marriage/kids very quickly and we've both agreed that was incredibly immature and stupid of us, though we adore DDs of course and have no regrets on that side. But it is what it is and we have to make the best of this going forward.

We're in counselling but it's becoming more and more obvious that we will struggle to go the distance without compromising our indivudal happiness significantly. So - we'd be staying together for the kids, in a relatively harmonious friendship/partnership with very little genuine intimacy, though a lot of mutual affection. I think he's an utterly wonderful human being, I just don't love him.

So if you'd be willing to share your experiences, I'd be so grateful. Our DDs are 6 and 4. In general very happy, well adjusted little girls. I suspected they're picking up on all this, though DH disagrees.

Thank you in advance

[Losgunna]

My parents and my best friend's (who I've known since we were three) parents divorced around the same time.

I was upset that my parents split up and that I didn't get to see my dad as much, only weekends instead of evenings and weekends, and wasn't keen on moving out, but they had a very amicable breakup, they are still good friends and there is still affection of a sort if not love still there. They both handled it very maturely and if there was bitterness, resentment or regret on either side they didn't let it show or let it affect me. Neither of them called the other to me. As a result I'm still a little sad that their marriage didn't last but more in the sort of way that I would be for anyone's long term relationship to end. I can see exactly why my mum left my dad too and I'm actually quite grateful that she did, I think it really was the best decision for all of us.
So on the whole I've come out of it really quite unscathed with q great relationship with both of my parents. I consider myself exceptionally lucky.

My friend on the other hand, her parents didn't handle it nearly so well. There was an OW involved, an awful lot of pettiness and using the kids as weapons on both sides. Both of her parents acted with all the maturity of a couple of teenagers and now her and her two siblings are manner of screwed up in the head, her sister has serious mental health issues triggered by the drama and circumstances of the divorce, has ended up hospitalised due to self harm and in care. Her brother has gone nd. My friend has depression which she has been on medication for for 8 years and has had numerous bouts of counselling for. She's also very overweight as she comfort eats to ease the pain.

Our parents divorced 16 years ago. I'm fine, she and her siblings aren't. I firmly believe that how well a split is handled by the adults has an enormous impact on how it affects the children.

[ToastieRoastie]

Like Red I hope you find a way to be happy too.

I'd also be careful of counselling - I did it and looking back, it just made me feel worse. I tried so hard to address the issues that ExP said I had - but it wasn't me, we were fundamentally mis-matched. I wasted emotional energy on something I didn't need to do.

If your aim is not to find a way to be together long term, then I'd question whether counselling (if it involves picking faults) is valuable. If it's to sort out what you'll do with DC etc when you seperate, then that's different and prob worth it.

I agree that one of you is ripe for an affair. If you meet someone who makes you feel lighter, it would be so tempting. Splitting would be so much harder with a third party involved and is likely to damage your amicable relationship.

[RedYellowPinkandGreen]

You sound like you have really good understanding of your relationship and feelings.

We didn't have counselling, in part because I knew it wouldn't be wise given our dynamic. But also because I wasn't sure that dissecting our relationship and feelings would enhance an amicable relationship for co-parenting. And I was pretty sure it was over.

In fact stbxh doesn't even know some of the things that bothered me because I think they'd be difficult to get past.

Your relationship is very different though. There wasn't a great deal of affection or communication happening at the end for us. So of course what works for you may he entirely different.

I hope you find a way to be happy.

[Lostandlonely1979]

All very useful and interesting to hear, thank you. We're both committed to a run of counselling in the coming months so whatever happens, we'll come out better people. really interesting to hear all these perspectives, thanks so much for sharing.

[Sheusedtobesomeonelse]

My DDs were 4 1/2 and 6 1/2.
I honestly thought it would be harder for them, it took roughly a month and they settled very well into a new routine of 50/50 parenting, from friday-friday (expecit in july and august when its 2 weeks/2weeks).

I think the younger they are, the more resiliant they are as they don't have anything to compare to.

I do like a PP : the "do you remember" conversations too.. as i want them to know that were did love each other with their Daddy before, it just didn't work out. I don't want them thinking we can't talk about "before". It's sad that our marriage didn't work out, but its not the end of my world, and def. not theirs! But he is a very good dad though..

[Pisssssedofff]

The child I would say it's affected most was 10 at the time.
What I'm referring to I guess is friends that did it earlier had come through all the shit and were out the other side with new partners etc before the teen years kicked in. Mine were just hitting teenage years so all the usual shit on top of the whole parents splitting, it just couldn't have been any worse if we'd tried.

[pickledparsnip]

My son was 2.5 years when ex moved out. The arguing was horrendous and the final straw was when ex punched the hallway wall repeatedly and ds just stood there and laughed.

Ds cried for him off and on, but ex worked away a lot anyway, so he was used to not seeing him for ages.

Despite our feelings towards each other, me and ex have always tried to be civil to each other (definitely not always easy).

In my experience, the trouble started when ex introduced his partner (now wife) to ds and refused to spend any time with ds without her there. It was all too quick and no sensitivity was shown to ds.

[Lostandlonely1979]

Toastie you're not wrong. In fact, since having airing all this with H (stbx..?) i've been more myself with my girls than ever. I feel lighter. I want to be with them all the time. Before I was always running away, and thought that perhaps I needed space from them. But it wasn't them I was running from...

Leaving when the DCs have grown and flown fills me with dread. I don't want them thinking they lived a lie and I certainly can't carry on like this for another 10-15 years without losing my mind and completely losing myself. And probably doing something awful like cheating on H.

pisssssed How old were your DCs when you split? There's going to be fallout and I have to face that. I do get to choose when that fallout occurs (and to hopefully mitigate any damage), which I didn't actually realise was an option until recently.

notrocket So sorry to hear what you've been through, what a nasty pair of people. Well done you for being the solid, loving parent they so desperately need.

[notrocketscience]

Mine are fine now and have chosen to be zero contact with exh after several years of abuse and spite which he and the new wife openly did in front of the dcs (5 and 6 at the time). Horrible time of great unhappiness. Not once did they ever go willingly to spend time with him and finally after much wrangling through courts/cafcass/mediation, they finally got their way and are so much happier. In fact they are both well adjusted, mature and delightful individuals (and that's from the schools!).

[Pisssssedofff]

Tbh you can't do right for doing wrong with kids. One of my DC has decided she is cross with her dad for staying with me when having affairs clearly meant he was unhappy - fair enough maybe - but fucking hell how him shagging around has become a sympathetic card to play I don't know. For every child that wishes the parents split earlier there's another who couldn't give a duck about your happiness and wished you'd stayed together no matter what. And that's why you do not stay for the kids, it's your life you please yourself

[ToastieRoastie]

Lost if you've agreed to separate when DC are older and you're already feeling downtrodden and flat in the house, do you think you'll feel any better at any point over the next ten or so years before DC leave home?

If you can't see how you could make yourself happier at home, then it will affect the DC. They'll see a flat mum. A mum and dad that don't show affection to each other.

My neighbours separated as soon as last DC went to uni. The DC were upset that their parents stayed together for them - they felt as if they were to blame. Their dad did nothing around the house or organising them. They blamed their mum for not being strong enough to walk away or to make him do stuff around the house and said they wished theat their parents had seperated years ago.

[Lostandlonely1979]

vintage sorry you're going through this. Counselling solo sounds like a very good move and you'll know when you're ready to make this final. Good luck x

[Vintagegirl1]

I seperated from dh over 3 months ago. The dcs and I are living in the family home and he is staying at his parents. We tried one session of marriage guidance and I refused to go back as felt completely bullied (he is financially and emotionally abusive although will never admit this) I have been smugly telling everyone that my dcs are fine but in reality my youngest (6) is extremely confused and the oldest (13) is having anger issues. It's difficult as ex and I have not yet had the very difficult conversation that it is definately over although deep down we both know it is. I am having coun selling to try and get stronger so we can try and move forward.

[Lostandlonely1979]

It does help. I'm not remotely jealous at the idea of him with someone else. He deserves love just as much as anyone else. Thank you

pot it's a bit like that already in our house. Most of the boring stuff falls to me then he takes them out for fun because I need a break! Well done for keeping a lid on your frustrations. A little easier to do that when you don't have to cohabit with the source of them, I guess!

[Potplant]

Mine seem ok but I've made an enormous effort to be friendly with him, even when he's being a complete arse. there were a lot of tears at first, but it quickly became the new normal.
Because he doesn't see them that often he's Mr Funtime. They ask him to go on fun days out whereas I'm there for cleaning dog poo off their shoes, washing PE kits, nagging about homework, cleaning teeth etc. All the stuff that isn't on his radar.

Pisses me off, but I don't let them see that.

[RedYellowPinkandGreen]

Dont worry, you can't acknowledge everything.

A couple of posters helped me see that actually I was doing a good thing for my husband too.

Does it help to think that being with someone who isn't happy with him isn't good for your husband either? That really you are being strong and doing the right thing for him too?

[Lostandlonely1979]

RedYellow Sorry should have told you that your reply was really helpful to me. I, too, am massively depressed and noticeably downtrodden and flat in the house. Different story when I'm at work, with friends or out with DCs on my own. But in the house i feel crushed under the weight of my unhappiness. I feel sick at myself because I look at H and feel absolutely nothing other than pity, and he doesn't deserve that.

[RedYellowPinkandGreen]

Lost, one more thought. We had been so successful at hiding our problems it was really difficult for the eldest to understand that we hadn't been happy. Not sure you can do much with that!

[Lostandlonely1979]

toastie I can imagine our setup being very similar to yours, so this is good to hear. We have certainly agreed that we would end up splitting when the DCs have grown and flown. I may live to reret saying this, but I just can't imagine H getting nasty. And I know I never would.

purple that sounds incredibly rough, you poor things. Hope you and DS will be okay in the long term, I'm sure he gets more than enough love from you.

Tinga well done for being brave enough to get out. But it sounds really, really hard for you and I hope to god it gets easier with time.

Miranda glad to hear you've had a positive experience. Amicable seems to be the key things running through all of this. Not always easy to achieve that, I can well imagine.

Mozzchops do you mind me asking why you left?

Dimots I worry about the two houses thing. There's upsides for the kids but I fear the constant feeling of going back and forth will be hard.

[Mirandawest]

My two are 11 and nearly 13. XH moved out when they were 5 and 7. We've remained amicable, live within about 10-15 min from each other and have both now remarried.

I can't know what they'd be like if XH and I
had stayed together, but to me they seem like pretty normally adjusted children. Who can tell what things will be like in the next few years but if they carry on like they have for the last few years then I think it will be all right.

[Tingatingatale]

I am 7 months in and my children especially my eldest have been badly affected

I was the one who made the final decision to end it even though we had previously discussed it and I had tried to leave many times. Neither of us were happy. He spoke to me like crap in front of the children causing my children to scream at him to and we had a Sexless dead marriage. I met someone online three weeks before I left and we are still together.

My eldest is 7 and has just heard too much. He has seen ex h react to everything and heard me run down and blamed for everything. He is very angry with me and angry with the world. He tells me he wishes I was dead but then needs to sleep clinging onto me all night. Things are slowly improving but it is hard as I have 50/50 custody but exh will not communicate with me at all

[pieceofpurplesky]

Mine is a mess. It was totally out of the blue for both of us - think getting up one morning and exh packing his bags. We both found out at once.
Three years later DS has counselling/Camhs/anxiety and suicidal thoughts.
He has stayed at his dad's house about 10 times in three years as dad usually too busy.
DS won't let me leave his side in case I abandon him.

[dimots]

Yeah, that's another thing. There is nothing like going through a divorce to turn a friendly relationship sour. It is hard to be amicable with someone when you are in dispute over finances.

[ToastieRoastie]

From my very limited experience of other single parents - I think the biggest factor in how DC react is how the parents manage the split.

If it's amicable and people put their feelings aside (which I know can be painful if as a result of infidelity etc), DC will likely be ok. My DC think ex and I are friends - they see us being nice to each other, going to parents evening together, both coming to watch shows, birthday cake always cut with both of us there. They have no idea I bitch about him to my friends to get things off my chest so I can be amicable with him!

[dimots]

They were 10 and 8 at the time. This was 2 years ago. Their father sees them EOW but the eldest doesn't like going. I don't think it's because of ex but because some kids really struggle with living between 2 houses.