Hi folks,
I have been advised that I may get more of a response to below thread here rather than in Newbies section, there are a few updates which I can add but they don't really change the dynamic of what I am asking.
I'm a male and looking some advice. I am 37 and have recently split from my wife, the main factor in this being the fact that I am an alcoholic (I had been drinking 8 -10 beer per night and probably more on weekends) I am what would be described as a high functioning alcoholic, I got up and went to work in the morning and all the bills etc were paid and paid on time.
My wife left after one of many arguments just over a month ago. She says she had been unhappy for years and had been shielding my step daughter and son from my drinking and moods following drink - I would stress there has never been any violence in our relationship.
There have been issues with dsd ref use of alcohol and drugs - and when she wasn't behaving I may have gone too far in trying to get her to behave (possibly grounding for too long, not speaking to her, or blcompletely banning her from the internet). I have also been grumpy when not drinking the following day. Dsd is now 19 and recently dropped out of university (since, but not related to split with dw)
We also have a son who is ten years old. I also would have been in moods with him or been quick to anger when he did things which he shouldn't (kicking football in house etc)
OH has said that she has been unhappy and hasn't loved me for years, but in the other hand says that she does care for me and the final straw was over her going guarantor for a flat for dsd which I was not happy about (daughter isn't even named on flat lease)
Following split from OH I have enrolled in a recovery programme, they couldn't take me straight away and I immediately started in AA, I am sober today and have been for the past month.
The issue is OH won't take me back, I know I can't expect it straight away or possibly ever but was just wondering if any of you have been through similar and if there is anything I can do....I love my wife and would do ANYTHING to get her back, however she will not do anything to work towards it, won't think of marriage counseling, refused Al anon, and won't even consider going for coffee.
I'd appreciate any advice good or bad, as I say I'm in recovery, have a better relationship with my son and am trying to build bridges with step daughter.
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Relationships
Relationship after split caused by alcoholism (and associated behavior)
user1475360947 · 11/10/2016 11:32
I think DW also shielded me from the harm that I was doing, DW constantly tried to make everyone happy, I'm not blaming DW, and I do wish there had if been some blazing arguments about the amount I drank.
I'm in no way trying to persuade you into saying the 'right' things, it's your thread and this is my opinion. But in order to stop yourself being on the pointy end of a big stick you really should try and refrain from making this kind of statement as it sounds as if you are saying it's her fault although you quite clearly state you aren't.
I can see that you would like her to know that you never blamed her which is why you would like her to go al anon or be a fly on the wall in meetings. Her view point will most likely be very different from how you saw things then and see them now as a result of this you'd again like her to know what your mindset was and is now.
Trouble is some things will always look like you're making excuses if you don't fully accept all and everything was entirely your fault regarding your alcoholism. Easy in a black and white context I know.
I have my own opinions on alcoholics and won't and hopefully haven't projected them onto you as your situation is your own.
Good description of addictive thinking and behaviour though, it should help some people get some perspective. Glad you chose the better option and stopped yourself from going down the drinking route in rough times x
Ninenicknames - I hope so...I really must change my username though cos as far as I'm aware I ain't smelly 
He's missed the dad he wished he had. He has him now.
Congrats and good luck.
I'm glad you are giving things time, it's what she deserves 
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I personally would feel very emotional and lonely too if my son started spending all this time at his dad after all these years of me doing all the hard work, obviously whilst being really really happy that they have a great relationship. If it makes sense. It is a big adjustment to make, from being the full point of focus to become less so.
She may alao feel that althogh she sees you better she knows she cannot go back (not yet anyway). She may be angry that it had to be all so late in the game, when there is not inch left of hope even if she'd like it to be.
Or at least that is exactly what I'd feel. I'd love my stbxh to stop drinking but admittedly at some level I will find it difficult - now that my dc are easy to be with and good company it would be a blow to hear how fab daddy is and for me not to be able to enjoy this sober version of him.
What myusername says is absolutely right.
Having said that, well done for recognising there was a problem, getting help and sticking with it. I salute you. It is everything but an easy thing. You can do it Nd the benefit will be enormous. Addictions bring loneliness, without it you get connection and that will sustain you.
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