Don't know what to do - I've ruined everything

[3rdRockFromTheMoon]

First time poster but not expecting anyone to go easy on me - I know I'm a complete cow. Married happily for over 20 years - never strayed, never wanted to. Until now.
In a nutshell, we were/are still the best of friends, but he's not interested in me sexually any more.
Thought that I could cope with that, didn't even think about looking elsewhere, just accepted it.
Then a couple of months ago he was away on a lads weekend and I went out with some mutual friends for the evening. Yes, I slept with one of our friends (had never thought of him like that before and don't know where it came from - but it just felt so right.)
Anyway - I'm now completely full of guilt, don't know what to do, but at the same time have developed pretty strong feelings for other man (who is single, decent, respectful and feeling guilty too but has admitted that he has feelings for me too.) don't know what to do. Don't even know what I'm asking really, just feel so low.

Well - I am bloody crying now! Thank you Gingerbread and Bogey for being so open and not judging me. I am going to try to sleep now (work in the morning) but I do at least feel a little bit human now and not the total she devil when I started this thread.

3rd I am really sorry you are in this mess.I know it was a stupid thing to do, as do you, but I kind of don't blame you, and I would not blame a man in similar circumstances. Despite the posters so sure they know how all mumsnetters think and post (and despite evidence to the contrary!).

I went off sex for a while, we did talk about it a bit. In the end I watched a programme about people whose marriages were breaking up and lack of sex was a reason for some. I realised if I carried on giving my dh the cold shoulder our marriage may be at risk. I even wondered if he may have an affair, despite the fact he is the least likely man in the world to have an affair!

Once we resumed a more active sex life I realised how much I liked it and that to some extent we had just fallen into no sex! (Or rather much reduced sex).

I think you need to discuss this and I kind of lean to the side saying you should be honest with him.

You do not mention children at all. That may mean there are none, or there are some and they are older/have left home, or are younger and are contributing to lack of sex as you and dh are both tired.

If there are no children, may I ask, if this is this by choice, mutual choice? I just wondered if this has played into your husband's thoughts at all. We had years of fertility treatment and lots of sex was to do with trying to have babies, which we had some success at, but not much! For a long time (for me) sex was about trying to make a baby, when we knew this would not happen I must admit it did limit the appeal of sex, for a time.

I think eventually you will need to learn to forgive yourself for this and I think telling your dh, and being honest, as you have here, may help you move on, either to a life with your dh, or with this other man, or maybe a new life flying solo.

Good luck, whatever anyone else thinks I can well imagine I could have done the same if I had felt my husband rejecting me sexually (rejecting intimacy with me) and I am not an especially sexual person, but it is (for me) intimacy which is key. I am also in that group of people who feels that this is not the worst thing you or he could have done. Rebuilding your life on a lie (that it did not happen) may end up being easier for him but very tricky for you, and that lie could, one day, undermine all your building work.

I have no experience of this situation and I hope you will find the answers you need.

The choice to tell must be your own as the consequences will be your own.

PS people advising you to leave your husband have no idea if this is what you really want or if this is what your dh would want. They just maybe think this is what they would do or would want their spouse to do.

miiow given that her husband doesnt want sex, I doubt that STI is a major issue right now

You can't go back to a time where you didn't cheat and neither can you continue to pretend to accept a sexless marriage. Let your infidelity be a catalyst for a long overdue change in your relationship with your H. If you and your H can't address the lack of intimacy then you should at least be honest enough with yourself, to accept that you need more than what's on offer.

If you climb back into the sexless closet there's a good chance that this 'never to be repeated, out of character bunk up', will be repeated.

It's standard when someone has an affair and the guilt comes to action change in their relationship, in your case you now will have the discussion with your husband about the lack of intimacy in you're relationship -very unfair in my opinion. Even getting close to having an affair should have been enough for you to address the issue of no sex in marriage.

But, like many others you will now use this as reason to change your relationship - very selfish and unfair on your husband. He deserves to know the truth. It will happen again if not.

It also amazes me the guilt feeling doesn't come on so strongly before or during the actual art of shagging someone else - it always seems to come on strong afterwards.

She has not had an affair.

I understand that in a 20 year old marriage some things are not what they used to be. If I were you, I wouldn't be content being in a sexless marriage. Life's too short. Is your husbands sex drive just disappeared or is there more to the story? Lots of men change as they grow older. This is coming from someone who may have had a few encounters with somewhat 'straight' men in their 40s. I don't think outing yourself about the affair is the best way to go forward. Just talk with your husband about the lack of sex. See where it leads. Perhaps an open marriage? I do think your emotions are heightened as you haven't had sexual encounters for a while.

Having sex with someone else isn't an affair?

Imagine the husband sitting in the same room as that guy OP, you and him both knowing you've slept together and DH knows nothing. So he stopped you from having sex so you've decided to break his trust and fuck up a friendship all in one go, how sweet of you. So instead of coming forward and saying 'I fucked your friend' and giving him the chance to deal with it because the likelihood is 'the friend' will deny all knowledge or might even try and paint it in a different light. Tell him honestly what happened and accept his decision, it is his not yours to make.

You had a hand to wank with I think is the common think to say to a man on MN in this instance.

• Thing not think

No Rose

Its cheating yes, but not an affair. A one night stand is different to an affair.

An affair is repeatedly having sex with someone else. it is not the same. Maybe it is just as hurtful or damaging, but it is not the same thing.

Some very black and white thinking on here. It's not a choice between "leave him" and "stay in a sexless marriage".

If the sex part of your marriage can't be fixed, you can make a number of arrangements that allow you to have your needs met while staying in the marriage. A regular FWB set up. Swinging. Hook ups (with or without a "don't ask don't tell" agreement.) A loving relationship with a secondary partner.

There's a whole lot of other successful relationship templates out there other than monogamy.

Just some of the MN hypocrisy, on a thread about a cheating man

But far more productive to empty bank accounts, get a solicitor, change the locks, bin his stuff and kick his sorry lying cheating sod arse to the gutter. Oh and tell his family and friends what a prick he is before he goes looking for sympathy.

not double standards at all

Even as a victim of an affair I understand why you did what you did. People make mistakes. But accep go your mistakes is being honest about them, not hiding them.

Imagine if you do decide to make a go of it so your DH and three years down the line it comes out. Without telling your DH your basing everything you hope to have together on a lie. He deserves more than that and so do you.

Own your mistake, build on it.

JustAnotherPoster some people may say this, some may not.

A double standard is when one person thinks two different sets of behaviour apply to two different groups of people or two individuals. Or when one groups of people thinks two different sets of behaviour apply to two different groups of people or two individuals.

You know, the way historically quite a large percentage of men collectively thought women weren't quite human but men were. But there would, possibly, have been some men who had a different view.

Here we have different posters who have different views on different individuals or different groups of people. Mumsnet is not a collective.

JustAnotherPoster wasn't this said about a man who was constantly lying to his wife and repeatedly encouraged flirtatious behaviour and then not only didn't feel any guilt but instead boasted about it to his wife when she accidentally found out?

It may be true that there is some hypocrisy on MN on this issue but that's not the OPs fault and it's not helpful to hijack the thread about it.

Thank you all again for your input. I've read and re-read the thread and really do have a lot of thinking and soul searching to do. I really do appreciate the understanding that's been shown to me - I really wasn't expecting it. And to the people who have judged me - I really don't blame you because I judge me too.

Too many men posters like Nakupender LouisvilleLlama and before and after that with shoulder chips...There is a full range of views and absolutely not a 'double standard' for men and women on MN - there are just many different views! You are only paying attention to the posts that support your theory of discrimination.

Every unfaithful spouse with remorse gets flamed by some and offered a path to redemption by others and everything in between. You are just bringing your mysoginistic views here to criticise women. And yes, I'm a man, husband and father.

While I see some silly comments from both sexes, I see such excellent sense, enlightening and interesting perspectives on every day relationship problems, so I keep coming back. I really value women's perspectives especially, so thank you mumsneters - too many males trying to have a go at women will spoil this topic area.
(Sorry everyone - rant over).

You are proving nothing except that you haven't been to university!

You slept with a mutual friend. Someone that you will not be able to avoid. No-one should be forced to stay in a sexless marriage but sleeping with a friend of your husbands is just beyond wrong.

You need to cut this "friend" out of your life as he is clearly no real friend of your husband's.

User

Firstly whether I'm male or female holds no bearing to this, there's also no chip on my shoulder for I have neither cheated, been cheated on, or posted about any relationships on this forum to get feedback. Whilst you are right there is a wide range of views, i would say whilst there may be different posters, the overwhelming direction threads in these kind of situations show a massive difference on how they are replied to with an obvious variant being whether they are male or female. Pointing this out isn't misogynistic,.

if you seriously feel it is please tell me how just pointing out that men generally receive different responses to women is woman hating? I didn't give my opinion that i thought OP was those things, and although there's a discrepancy in my opinion based on gender I don't think MN particularly suffers from misandry either, it's just more pro women rather than anti men per se. I don't see an issue stating that their is a difference, like is posted on many different threads by many posters from many angles.

I think stating the differences can contribute to the conversation as it opens the discussion up to a different perspective. The OP of the thread can then for exampleconsider themselves whether the advice given suffers from a potential bias in contrast to other similar threads (except for the gender of a poster which should be arbitrary), and then whether it really is the best advice then to act on. If you believe there is no bias in responses then stating other posters responses surely doesn't matter does it? They would just be impartial views on cheating.

Also I did go to university, and perhaps if you, yourself were as smart and reasonable as you purport to be you would realise the irony of your comment:

. I really value women's perspectives especially, so thank you mumsneters - too many males trying to have a go at women will spoil this topic area.

Considering as you state you are a male yourself commenting on this topic area, chastising my input that you deem not good enough, yet your comment adds literally nothing to the thread discussion topic. Your comment is essentially a personal attack on myself and another poster spoiling the topic area. I can't speak for the other poster but I have been a part of the MN community for I believe coming up to 3 years under various nicknames.