Don't know what to do - I've ruined everything

[3rdRockFromTheMoon]

First time poster but not expecting anyone to go easy on me - I know I'm a complete cow. Married happily for over 20 years - never strayed, never wanted to. Until now.
In a nutshell, we were/are still the best of friends, but he's not interested in me sexually any more.
Thought that I could cope with that, didn't even think about looking elsewhere, just accepted it.
Then a couple of months ago he was away on a lads weekend and I went out with some mutual friends for the evening. Yes, I slept with one of our friends (had never thought of him like that before and don't know where it came from - but it just felt so right.)
Anyway - I'm now completely full of guilt, don't know what to do, but at the same time have developed pretty strong feelings for other man (who is single, decent, respectful and feeling guilty too but has admitted that he has feelings for me too.) don't know what to do. Don't even know what I'm asking really, just feel so low.

[Nakupenda]

Just be grateful you're not a man.
See if you'd posted as a man you'd have been absolutely torn to shreds, no matter how 'sorry' you were.

Of course, though, cause you're a woman it's kind of understandable cause he won't have sex with you and you feel unloved and unappreciated.
But if you were a man you'd be told to wise up cause sex isn't a human right...

[allsfairinlove]

I think whether or not you tell your DH depends on what he would value more.

If he is someone who would always prefer to know the truth, that a lie is the greater betrayal than the deed then you owe it to him to tell the truth of your ONS.

[allsfairinlove]

Naupenda what utter bollocks.

[Nakupenda]

Not even close to utter bollocks I am not the only person on this site who sees the double standards in plain sight.

[3rdRockFromTheMoon]

Thank you all for bothering to reply - lots to think about. I think I do need to have the conversation about lack of intimacy but really don't think I can tell him what I've done. Why hurt him like that? I'm not having an affair or going to have an affair so it just seems cruel. I do love him.

[allsfairinlove]

I can't speak for anyone else but I guarantee you my views would be the same thing for a man.

[AbyssinianBanana]

Nope, it's not bollocks. Women who have cheated always get advised to stay quiet and "work" on the relationship by at least one on every thread. Quite disgusting, really.

[Nakupenda]

Doesn't matter if you love him you've completely fucked the trust in your relationship.
Absolutely do him a favour and leave, if you're actually thinking about hiding the fact you cheated on him, he deserves a chance to be happy with someone who won't betray him, and betray him some more by lying about it.

[sillyseagullsausage]

Honesty can be over rated and harmful. What you probably do need to be honest about is a need for sexual intimacy and see how it goes. There was a piece on sexless relationships in the latest Saturday Guardian, Family section. It is perfectly possible - I believe - to love someone and fall into a sensual situation out of your relationship and go with a lovely flow. We are not robots. And we do need to be touched. Can you get some space from home for a day or two to breath, write a list, talk to someone objective and clever in this way? Not suggesting you meet up with the fling-ee! No rash actions! But you do need closeness and can't face up to 40 more years without it - as your husband will know surely - and I would deal with that first before throwing misdemeanors into the conversation or making any firm future choices.

[Nakupenda]

It's totally disgusting Abyss.
Always the same though, the women are sympathised with cause they feel unloved and unappreciated and the men are told they are complete pigs for cheating because of lack of intimacy.

[Nakupenda]

Case in point.

[Blu]

WHY is your DH not interested in sex with you any more?
Is he loving in other ways? Proud of you? Make you feel special ? Take care of you? Appreciate it when you do the same for him? Do you enjoy your time together? Have good conversations ?

I think you need to work out what you are feeling and what you want. Do not continue anything with OM while you do this , but if your marriage is done, then don't use an affair to avoid dealing with that. Finish your marriage, give yourself some time, and then re-assess whether the OM is worth thinking about more.

Otherwise, work, really work, on your marriage. But I would want to get to the bottom of your DH's sexual reticence .

[Patsy99]

I don't think a one off one night stand in the course of a 20 year marriage means you don't love your DH or that the relationship is wrecked. Decent people fuck up sometimes.

But it is a crisis point. If you want to stay married to your DH there's serious work to be done.

[3rdRockFromTheMoon]

We generally have a really good relationship. We enjoy each other's company, laugh a lot and appreciate each other. We love each other and always have. I am absolutely not saying that I feel unloved or unappreciated. I do need to get to the bottom of the no sex though (I'm as sure as I can be that there is no one else on the scene) as it has obviously bothered me more than I thought. What a mess.

[AlecTrevelyan006]

Honesty is overrated. There is noting to be gained by confessing. All you'd be doing is transferring your guilt onto someone else.

If you have no intention of cheating again - don't tell your husband what you have done and try to work on your marriage.

If you want to leave your husband - don't tell him you've cheated, just leave him.

Either way, nothing will be gained by telling the truth.

[TooStressyForMyOwnGood]

Have you ever spoken to him about the no sex thing before? Or is it just never talked about?

[3rdRockFromTheMoon]

Before it dwindled to absolutely nothing, whenever we did do it I would always say how lovely it was, we should make time to do it more often etc. And he always seemed to enjoy it! But like the elephant in the room now though.

[RainbowBriteRules]

I've been the person who didn't want to have sex (am not currently). I don't think I would have ever voluntarily discussed it. Do you think you could bear an excruciatingly emotionally painful conversation? Would he talk about it do you think if you brought it up? Really brought it up rather than hinting? Of course I'll probably get slated now for condoning cheating or something; it just seems as if it is a bit of a crisis at present and maybe is the time to broach the issue?

[3rdRockFromTheMoon]

Honestly, it's not a conversation that I want to have but think that we NEED to have it. And it will be painful. I honestly thought that it wasn't that big a deal but my feelings have been so stirred up that it's blindingly obvious to me now that it is important to me. It's important to us.

[RainbowBriteRules]

My situation was slightly different and was at its worst a very long time ago now. We went to therapy in the end which was excruciatingly embarassing. I still cringe thinking about it now. We got through it though, although as I say it was different and there was no cheating involved.

Despite all that I am still rubbish at talking about sex now! It sounds as if you will have to just pick a time (pick several times in case the first few go very badly or not at all) and start the conversation. Am no expert though.

[kerryob]

Do you have any physical contact with your husband? Cuddles or hugs? Kisses? I'd find it harder if I'd didn't have that as well as no sex

[3rdRockFromTheMoon]

Rarely - and al

[3rdRockFromTheMoon]

Sorry - always me who goes to him for a hug, never him and to be fair I have probably stopp

[3rdRockFromTheMoon]

Bloody phone! Stopped doing even that as much because I just feel so - needy?

[SandyY2K]

Why is he subjecting you to a life of celibacy?

What are his reasons for not wanting it? Tiredness? Just not in the mood?

You're too young to live the rest of your marriage like a nun. You need to address that problem and find a solution. He's not satisfying your needs and that's a major issue here.