Don't know what to do - I've ruined everything

[3rdRockFromTheMoon]

First time poster but not expecting anyone to go easy on me - I know I'm a complete cow. Married happily for over 20 years - never strayed, never wanted to. Until now.
In a nutshell, we were/are still the best of friends, but he's not interested in me sexually any more.
Thought that I could cope with that, didn't even think about looking elsewhere, just accepted it.
Then a couple of months ago he was away on a lads weekend and I went out with some mutual friends for the evening. Yes, I slept with one of our friends (had never thought of him like that before and don't know where it came from - but it just felt so right.)
Anyway - I'm now completely full of guilt, don't know what to do, but at the same time have developed pretty strong feelings for other man (who is single, decent, respectful and feeling guilty too but has admitted that he has feelings for me too.) don't know what to do. Don't even know what I'm asking really, just feel so low.

[3rdRockFromTheMoon]

I really don't know why! I wish I did - at least then I would have a chance of finding a solution. We both work full time (and quite long hours - him more than me but he still has plent of 'down time') no medical issues (that I'm aware of) no fundamental changes, no bereavements, I've not changed physically ( other than getting older but I can't help that!) we still socialise together- I'm at a loss. All that said though, doesn't justify what I've done. I am a cow.

[Atenco]

Nope, it's not bollocks. Women who have cheated always get advised to stay quiet and "work" on the relationship by at least one on every thread. Quite disgusting, really

You find it quite disgusting, I think that is sensible advice in this case. The fact that there are something like a million members of mumsnet means that there are lots of different opinions and you cannot call all mumsnet hypocritical because some posters post one thing and some posters post another.

Moreover I have yet to see a post by a man telling a story similar to the OP's. If I did, I would post the same advice.

[VioletBam]

My friend's husband slept with their friend and she found out because the friend had feelings for her husband and told my friend all about it. Don't be too sure that your DH won't find out OP. I think you should tell him. It's a horrible secret.

[allsfairinlove]

Have you ever talked about this scenario with your DH in the past? Where does he stand?

For example, a friend of mine is adamant that if her DH ever "was naughty" (her words, not mine) she wouldn't ever want to know because in her mind, the relationship is perfect as it is and all she ever wants is to grow old together and good memories.

However, another one says that she would always want to know, however much it hurts because being lied to is worse.

[JaneJefferson]

Don't blame yourself. What you did is quite understandable given the lack of physical contact in your marriage. And I wouldn't blame a man succumbing to the same temptation in similar circumstances. You need to be fair to yourself and to your husband and end the marriage. I can't see you putting this right and perhaps you don't want to.Give yourselves the chance to find that spark again with other partners. I expect your infidelity will come out though, and when and if you tell him you want to end the marriage. But at least you have a good reason as to why it happened. If you are unsure suggest a trial separation.

[3rdRockFromTheMoon]

It is a horrible secret Violet and one that I wish that I didn't have. But I do. I've spoken to other man since it happened and he won't say anything. He's mortified too. Neither of us would do anything to intentionally hurt my husband - we are all really good friends and have been for many years.

[3rdRockFromTheMoon]

Never talked about it because it was so far off the radar of happening - well just not worth the headspace I suppose.

[VioletBam]

Well you're not going to be really good friends anymore. Not now you and that man have this between you. It will be awkward and there will be tension.

[LouisvilleLlama]

So the no sex thing hasn't been discussed with your DH? So he may not have even realised theirs a problem. There is a double standard, many times men want sex they ( or the OP is told to tell them) that they have a hand that they can help relieve themselves with, men are bastards when they cheat and will always continue to cheat, and should always be left as they'll never change, and have shown they have no respect for the partner and family. Women are told it's understandable and not to tell their do.

But then when there's a hint of abuse on a woman some well known and very active posters will pile in to destroy the man / OPs partner, if the man is getting abused theirs not a whisper from them

[3rdRockFromTheMoon]

well I certainly won't be able to avoid him, so we will really just have to get beyond awkwardness. I have seen him several times socially and it's been ok so hopefully the friendship can be salvaged too.

[metaphoricus]

Honesty is overrated. There is noting to be gained by confessing. All you'd be doing is transferring your guilt onto someone else.

If you have no intention of cheating again - don't tell your husband what you have done and try to work on your marriage

This

[3rdRockFromTheMoon]

He knows that there is a problem - as I said earlier it's like the elephant in the room. I don't understand most of your post though Louisville - are you suggesting that I abuse my husband?

[LouisvilleLlama]

No 3rd I think if the no sex thing hasn't been discussed then it's hard to have sympathy if you haven't discussed the issue with your DH as he may not even consider it.


The rest was just stating the double standards and how situations are handled on MN so if you were a man you would be toke you have a hand to wank with and you aren't entitled to sex. Women are always told ( and when men have the courage to post occasionally about them cheating) that they should tell their wife, that the man will never change, he's a cunt, once he's cheated once he'll cheat again. No matter what he says, and he has no respect for his family.

That's a horrid double standard but not as much as the double standard I see of well known very active posters that seem to post to chastise any man that there's even a hint of being abuser but when a man posts about being abused or a woman posts about being an abuser there's no sign of them. Not saying you are an abuser just stating the double standards about it

[3rdRockFromTheMoon]

Think that I am going to talk to husband about lack of intimacy, not confess anything (at the moment at least), work to fix my marriage and put as much distance as I can between me and other man. Thank you all for helping - even the posts that I didn't want to hear!

[Miiow]

Not even close to utter bollocks I am not the only person on this site who sees the double standards in plain sight

I agree. It happens all the time.

OP, you should leave your husband. Try and do it with as little drama and hurt as possible. Obviously you can't avoid it but there's no need to make it worse than it is already. Then wait a while before you start dating anyone else.

[GingerbreadLatteToGo]

Being in a sexless marriage through your partners choice, especially when they won't discuss it, is soul destroying. You think you've come to terms with it, but one way or another a light gets shone on it & you start the chinks. You can ask him, but sadly you can't make him answer.

IME one ex stopped wanting sex because he was very conflicted in our relationship. We were young & he knew that one day I wanted children, he'd thought he did too & it's what we had planned, but suddenly realised that he didn't. He didn't know what to do. He loved me, wanted to get married, grow old together etc just without kids, but he loved me enough to know he couldn't do that to me. Rock - Hard Place. However, he didn't make the connection at the time so didn't know why he didn't want sex anymore, he just didn't. I felt unsexy, tried all the usual stuff people suggest, turned myself inside out trying to work out what the hell was going on.

Another ex stopped wanting to...he was voted 'least likely to have an affair ever' yet he was, whilst still telling me he loved me, I was his everything and he even suggested it was a good time to start our family. He reverted back to 'at it like rabbits' for a while, then stopped again. It was like being on a bloody roller coaster. Things didn't make sense until later.

Fortunately all other ex's have remained quite steady sex wise, else I'd be really worrying 😁

However, on a serious note, no matter how much you think you've accepted it, it still affect you. Some couples are forced into it through disability, illness etc - that's hard, really hard, but not the same. It's the 'not wanting' as much as the 'not doing'.

Sometimes you just grow apart, they remain your best friend, you love them, you don't want to hurt them...but the romantic/sexual relationship just dies. Only you can decide what you can live with. Personally I think you know, but (understandably) you really, really don't want to face up to it 💐

You need to think hard about what you want to do, then talk to yur DH.

My Dad used to say 'No one told you life would be fair, or easy'

[Miiow]

OP, If you are going to try and stay with your DH then you should get an STD check before you sleep with him.

[3rdRockFromTheMoon]

Ah - ok Louisville- get it now. But no, I'm not a cheat never have been and will never, ever do it again. Quite disgusted with myself and it's not a good feeling.

[Bogeyface]

I ended my marriage because of a lack of intimacy.

I didnt cheat but there was definitely an overlap between my sexual desires being reawakend and me leaving. I didnt sleep with anyone else, but someone showed an interest in me and it made me realise that although he wasnt bothered about sex, I was. I think it was a case of "use it or lose it" and I had lost it. When the other man showed an interest and made it clear he found me sexy and desirable, it made me rethink everything. I did talk to my (then) husband but he dismissed me, as he always had. So I left and he was utterly crushed, heartbroken. He admitted that he should have listened to what I was saying to him and bitterly regrets that he didnt. I didnt have a relationship with the man who fancied me, he was an arsehole, but I did go on to have other relationships. I am now remarried.

Talk to him, see if he is prepared to discuss the lack of sex and go from there. I am the same age as you, hopefully you have many years ahead of you and they shouldnt be spent without sexual fulfilment if thats what you want.

[3rdRockFromTheMoon]

Gingerbread- thank you - I am now almost in tears. You are right though - it's the not wanting that hurts.
Miiow- we were very careful so not worried on that score.

[Bogeyface]

Btw, I have not mentioned the cheating as I think the point has been made, and because I think that there is a difference between premeditated unfaithfulness and a much regretted one off.

I dont believe that one night stands are in the same category as long term affairs, and as the wife who has been cheated on long term I dont believe that I am showing double standards. I would say the same if it was a man who had done this under the same circumstances.

[3rdRockFromTheMoon]

Thank you Bogey - you were obviously stronger than I am. Other man is someone who I trust - he has always been a great friend. If he was an arsehole it would never have happened. Just SHOULD never have happened..

[Bogeyface]

The fact that he so clearly wanted me did give me a shot of .... something....confidence? Self awareness? I am not sure but whatever it was it made me realise the being wanted and desired was something I still wanted and needed.

I didnt fancy him. Maybe if I had then I would have slept with him, I like to think that I wouldnt have done but if I am being honest, I cant be 100% sure given the feelings that suddenly reappeared within me.

[GingerbreadLatteToGo]

💐 it's ok to cry. You love him. You want him to love you in the same way. You want the future you planned, you want the 'now' you planned...not this version. I expect it feels you've got too much to 'throw it away over sex', but deep down you know it's not right. It's horrible. Beating yourself up over what you did isn't going to help, all you can do is decide 'what now' & how you go about it. Whether you tell DH or not is something only you can decide. I'd want to know, but not everyone does. There isn't a 'right answer'.

Try to get some sleep 😴💤

[Miiow]

Miiow- we were very careful so not worried on that score

iI'm not sure how you can be confident that there is nothing to worry about. Herpes, HPV and syphilis are transmitted skin to skin so even careful use of condoms might not prevent their transmission. It's a small risk and one that's reduced by using condoms but it's a risk that you really shouldn't force upon your husband.