It has all got worse...

[Offred]

previous thread


Since the last thread things have got a bit better with DD in that her mood has improved significantly, she has gone back to school but the problems there remain and we are looking at different schools though SS are not exactly supportive.

My health has been crap though. I lost some vision in my left eye for 2 weeks recently, lost story short opthalmology found nothing and was referred to neurology, was going to ask BF to come but he had training in london so couldn't - quite sad but unavoidable.

Anyway, I arranged to stay with a friend after the appointment, which was on weds as I didn't want to be alone that day. It was not good news, in the investigation they found a tremor in my left leg and as it is on the same side as the sight loss they felt something was going on and want a brain scan - which is looking for all kinds of horrendous things.

My aunt has progressive MS and is very ill, I have been very scared this is the problem and BF is aware of this.

So weds I had concerned texts and phone calls from XH and my best friend but nothing all day from BF until a text at 11.30pm that he mistakenly sent to me when drunkenly trying to show a friend of his a photo.

I replied asking him what the photo he sent was about, he explained, I said the appointment hadn't gone well, he said he had been wondering and I just got really upset and blocked him.

I feel really really hurt. He claims he was wondering if the appointment had gone OK, but that is crap isn't it? He was just getting pissed with his friends. If he had been wondering why didn't he ask? Why was he just happily getting drunk with his friends?

I know the answers, he doesn't care unless he is getting something from me...

I unblocked him and spoke to him earlier, explained I was sorry for not explaining/blocking but have been a mess. he would normally have come round tonight but he hasn't and I have no clue when/if I will see him again as no plans.

I know this is shit. I know he cannot be there for me. I'm sad and vulnerable and lonely tonight. Please just talk to me. Everyone was so kind on the last thread.

[PoisonWitch]

It isn't you lovely it really isn't. It's him and his issues, his problems, his dickishness.

You know that in your head. Believing it is a different matter.

We are here. We support you. Tell us what you want to share and what is too dangerous to tell him.

I hope you can leave. You can be single and strong. Even if it seems impossible.

I haven't been out of a relationship since I was 14. It's only recently I've been contemplating being single for a while and finding the real me. Even then it's mainly money and effort issues in my current relationship and not abuse.

You have a right to your own feelings. You are not crazy or a bitch for having trouble with him being a cunt. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it. It's a horrible but necessary lesson.

I'll be thinking of you.

[Offred]

I feel that, he is just quite convincing because he is pretty much the only person in my life.

[PoisonWitch]

He doesn't need to be though. You may find its much easier to make friends once he is gone.

Does he make life easier or harder by being around?

It's horrible if you have no one else. You can take your time. Are there any women's groups or hobby groups in your area it's feasible to join?

[FlowerOfTheValley]

We will be here for you. I know it's really hard to leave especially when you are feeling so vulnerable.

I've made a fairly recent friend and if an ex of hers told me lots of unpleasant things about her past it wouldn't make a jot of difference. She's my friend, I like her and she's lovely. Her past would not affect what I thought of her. I would think her ex is a twat even if he had a high standing in the community.

I would definitely get back in touch with Women's Aid too.

[imother]

But he's not the only person is he? Haven't you got your children living with you?

[Offred]

Yes, my children live with me but there is no way I am going to even start trying to depend on them for emotional support.

[Offred]

I think probably I feel scared because whenever I have even alluded to his behaviour he has been very very angry with me for discussing our private business in public. At the time I thought it seems as though he is saying he is allowed to abuse me as long as he says sorry but I am not allowed to talk about it to anyone - which is
screwed up.

[Offred]

I thought why is you being so aggressive that I am afraid you will punch me 'private business' that I am not allowed to discuss.

[FlowerOfTheValley]

I think you'll be pleasantly surprised about how many friends you make if he's not in your life.

Would you feel able to seek counselling? You sound like you believe a lot of what he has told you about it being your fault. It really isn't, it is all him. I'm having counselling at the moment. It has helped me feel a lot stronger and see things differently.

[RickOShay]

He is making you feel lonely and isolated. Without him you can start to be yourself and the world will expand. It is his rejection of you that makes you scared.

[PoisonWitch]

Of course you won't Offred because you are a reasonable human who puts children first.

That is what makes you different from him. He does not consider the needs of others before what he wants.

You can be strong alone though. Even if it seems like the hardest thing ever. You can get a lot of support from us and agencies when you are alone.

This is very hypocritical of me of course. But I am increasingly of the opinion I can do it and so can you.

No judgment from me though if you feel you need to stay the course for the time being. I get it; I really do.

Talk to whoever you need to. We (at least I) will support you completely come what may.

[Offred]

It's not just him. It is also the fact my family are dicks and DD is the kind of SEN that no-one wants to be around/gets you accused of terrible parenting. Not many ppl will touch me with a barge pole ATM. No excuse I know. He has actually been somewhat encouraging towards me making friends (as long as I don't say the 'wrong' thing).

[RickOShay]

IT is just him. It is all him. You are just fine. He patently is not. It is how he makes you feel about yourself. You are not seeing yourself clearly, it seems like you see him clearer than yourself. Forget him. Focus on you. That is what is important, that is what holds the key. It is easier I know to think about somebody else rather than yourself, much much easier, but it doesn't get you anywhere expect down dark avenues. Get into the light. Once you start thinking about yourself, a lot wil just fall into place. So tomorrow think about what you want, how you feel what you think, what you fancy for breakfast. That's a start.

[Myownperson]

Offred how are things today?

I read your thread last night and couldn't quite figure if I had anything to say. Because you know far better than I do the problems with this relationship.

You posted throughout the night at the beginning of this year when I was talking about how upsetting I found my husband's behaviour when we rowed. The extreme reaction that I had to his shouting. The thread was deleted so I can't remind you of it. You related so well to how awful it was. But my recollection from then was that you viewed your relationship as casual, that you would not find it acceptable behaviour to be anything more serious.

I'm sorry if I am remembering incorrectly but it feels like things have changed. Maybe you have started needing more? Maybe you weren't as detached as you thought. I don't know. I bet you can work it all out though. Because you are smart Offred. You know you would be better without this man. I'm really sorry about the friendship situation. I really do understand about it being about more than the relationship you are giving up. Its tough. But you do not deserve to be treated badly.

I'm sorry about the health issues. You have more than enough to cope with already.

[Offred]

Thank you. I've been shouted at by aggressive men all my life, my dad was very shouty. I have always dealt with it by running away. I need to find a better way to deal with it.

I think I'm feeling/realising I have been becoming emotionally dependent on him the more scared I have got of his rages and the more my life has become hard.

I have seen him today, he has taken his washing, I've been compliant. We have not talked, not about anything. I just let him take care of me, my children came back a bit unexpectedly early and he left (I don't really want them to cross paths too much).

I have eaten a sandwich and three slices of roast lamb and some pickled cabbage since Monday and I am now feeling really sick from having eaten a roast dinner with him. It is very silly.

He wants to take me to the scan. I don't know when it will be yet. I'm thinking I don't need to do anything about this just yet. I don't need to ask him to come if I don't want to. Just do one thing at a time.

[Myownperson]

You are right, you don't have to deal with everything at once.

Its completely understandable that you have become more dependent on him. I'm sorry he didn't give you the emotional support you needed this week.

If he can pull himself together to be there for you and you want that then maybe you'd prefer to reconsider when you have some more clarity over your health. That's understandable.

Re being on your own, might it help to find a therapist? I understand needing support. I see a counsellor and while we're working on things now, for a long time she was just someone to talk to, to have someone know I'd survived another week when I had no one. Might that help?

That, MN and Samaritans have been my lifeline this year. I haven't had the challenges you have but I wanted you to know there are ways of feeling less alone.

I know it's trite but try to look after yourself. Can't be easy with DC but you cant always be strong. You don't have to work everything out. Everyone needs kindness at times - so it's not an amazing analysis or a solution but and and .

I'm very awkward about emotional stuff but fuck it, have a hug too.

[RickOShay]

how did you feel when you saw him? He does not have the answer to your life. He can't heal your pain. Have you thought any more about stuff?

[Offred]

I'm not under the impression he has the answer to his own life never mind mine and I'd find that particularly suffocating TBH!

I felt a bit awkward - fraudulent at first, it was ok though as was treated as normal given the health things. I just had a nice time, a lunch, a pint and some soaking in the hot tub in the sun and then a cuddle. He told me all about his life plans as things are changing which was a nice distraction from my stuff, he asked if I wanted to talk about it, I didn't.

This is the thing. I have so many of these really pleasant times with him that are just simple and self contained and relaxing, which i need.

I have had lots of counselling before, I might benefit from more at the moment but between hospital appointments for me and DD and her CAMHS appointments and he sometimes not going to school I have not yet managed a blood test I was due to have weeks ago. I don't know if arranging it is just going to be pointless because I'll struggle to go, plus I have found NHS CBT for 6 sessions completely pointless GPs consistently say no chance of anything else here.

I'm going to concentrate on widening and maintaining friendships I think. Am having dinner with one of the new friends tomorrow and need to make a plan for the friend I saw on weds to come over here and hot tub with me.

[Offred]

Also going to go and hang out with our dog (who lives with him) while he is at a meeting tomorrow and also use it as an opportunity to quietly begin moving stuff of mine from his flat.

[RickOShay]

You sound so much better. What I meant by the answer to your life, was that you don't need him to feel ok about yourself. Your relationship with yourself is your own. I have found it very hard to feel ok about myself, to trust myself, to stop sabotaging and critising. My dh has not helped me. I have dug so deep and I have been so scared. I have given all my power away. All my power just given away like it was nothing. I have turned mortals into gods and made myself their slave, grateful for the crumbs from their table. It has taken me too long to feel ok about who I am.

[Offred]

I know I have that problem too - from childhood.

I think I mean that right now is not a good time either for conflicts or for making myself alone.

I know I feel better today because I have seen him and he hasn't shouted and that's not great really but is where I am right now. His shouting shouldn't be able to affect my behaviour so much.

[RickOShay]

Yes, my stuff all stems from my chilly childhood. I am gradually managing to swop self pity for self respect, but it is the work of a lifetime.
I think your plan for tomorrow is positive. Excellent in fact.

[FlowerOfTheValley]

Sounds like you have a few positive plans there Offred. How are you feeling?