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Relationships

It has all got worse...

98 replies

Offred · 24/09/2016 21:57

previous thread


Since the last thread things have got a bit better with DD in that her mood has improved significantly, she has gone back to school but the problems there remain and we are looking at different schools though SS are not exactly supportive.

My health has been crap though. I lost some vision in my left eye for 2 weeks recently, lost story short opthalmology found nothing and was referred to neurology, was going to ask BF to come but he had training in london so couldn't - quite sad but unavoidable.

Anyway, I arranged to stay with a friend after the appointment, which was on weds as I didn't want to be alone that day. It was not good news, in the investigation they found a tremor in my left leg and as it is on the same side as the sight loss they felt something was going on and want a brain scan - which is looking for all kinds of horrendous things.

My aunt has progressive MS and is very ill, I have been very scared this is the problem and BF is aware of this.

So weds I had concerned texts and phone calls from XH and my best friend but nothing all day from BF until a text at 11.30pm that he mistakenly sent to me when drunkenly trying to show a friend of his a photo.

I replied asking him what the photo he sent was about, he explained, I said the appointment hadn't gone well, he said he had been wondering and I just got really upset and blocked him.

I feel really really hurt. He claims he was wondering if the appointment had gone OK, but that is crap isn't it? He was just getting pissed with his friends. If he had been wondering why didn't he ask? Why was he just happily getting drunk with his friends?

I know the answers, he doesn't care unless he is getting something from me...

I unblocked him and spoke to him earlier, explained I was sorry for not explaining/blocking but have been a mess. he would normally have come round tonight but he hasn't and I have no clue when/if I will see him again as no plans.

I know this is shit. I know he cannot be there for me. I'm sad and vulnerable and lonely tonight. Please just talk to me. Everyone was so kind on the last thread.

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imother · 24/09/2016 22:52

OP, here is a Saturday night quiz for you:

What is it called when someone who is emotionally abusive is nasty then nice then nasty again?
a. confusing
b. predictable
c. the cycle of abuse

When an ea person is doing the hoovering, are they:
a. cleaning - surely that's their inferior's job
b. sucking you back in to the relationship
c. sucking you back into the relationship because they know they have gone too far this time and think you might leave

When an ea person borrows money, do they pay it back when:

a. they are good and ready
b. when they feel like it but they might never get round to it and it doesn't matter because they have no respect for you
c. when you 'earn' it back

Why does Women's Aid and the Refuge exist:
a. to support women who are scared of leaving their ea partner
b. to listen, help you make a decision when and if you are ready
c. to keep you safe with tried and tested procedures that they've been through, sadly, many times before.

Why do women take time to leave their abusive partners?
a. because it can be very difficult practically, financially and emotionally
b. because they need a lot of support particularly when their confidence and energy is worn away by the abuser, sometimes over many many years
c. because they are frightened and overwhelmed by the very idea of leaving

Is it better for a victim of ea to get away from the abuser?
a. Yes, life is too short to live in continual and utter misery. your mental and physical health will improve no end
b. Yes, the sense of freedom, peace of mind and enjoyment in the little things of life are felt almost immediately
c. Yes, if you love your children you have to get them out of it. No good parent would continue to expose their children to any form of abuse.

Should you discuss leaving with your abuser?
a. No, they will see it as an opportunity to mess with your head some more
b. No, they will argue and emotionally blackmail you
c. No, they will become more and more forceful and could become violent

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Offred · 24/09/2016 22:52

I've felt for a good while, if I am honest that I do not want him to be interested in me but that if he isn't he will destroy me and so I need to be nice to him.

I was speaking to WA about this 'relationship' 2 yrs+ ago and reached the point where they were just saying to me until I reach the point where I want to leave there is nothing they can really do.

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Offred · 24/09/2016 22:59

I know that that is a statement of my position of power. That I have the power, and I'm the only one who has, to get away. That the 'relationship' is all wrong. I know it doesn't matter why he is a shit, just that he is and that I can choose to leave. I feel to weak to cope, I think I probably am not in reality, I am scared to take the step.

He could destroy me publicly, I've been through this before and am in a significantly weaker position this time/haven't quite got to grips with him being a total shit in my mind so I am scared.

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imother · 24/09/2016 23:00

And do you want to leave?

Or have you got Stockholm Syndrome? Ie you feel emotionally dependent on your abuser? It's very common with ea.

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imother · 24/09/2016 23:01

What do you think you will have to cope with if you leave?

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Offred · 24/09/2016 23:02

I honestly don't know.

Whenever I have thought of leaving (for years) I have just felt overwhelmingly scared.

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Offred · 24/09/2016 23:03

I think he will first of all come round here all sorry and sad trying to convince me I am overreacting and he loves me and I will be weak and if that doesn't work he will use his influence to publicly Badmouth me and I will not have the confidence to withstand it so I will lose most of my social interactions.

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imother · 24/09/2016 23:04

It's normal to be scared. Scared of your abuser, scared of the change, scared of a new, unknown life. Anyone would be scared. That's why it's a good idea to get support, to help you through it.

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imother · 24/09/2016 23:07

He can only come round to try to convince you.... if you speak to him.

You can just bolt the door and ignore.

If he doesn't go away you can ring the police and ask them to tell him to do one.

If he badmouths you to other people, then those other people have a decision to make: to believe him and end your friendship with them, or not. If they do end your friendship then they were not worth knowing in the first place.

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DuckingAunts · 24/09/2016 23:14

What could he say to bad mouth you?

Presumably he doesn't have some incendiary secret over you that you wouldn't want to come out.

If you break up and he goes around slagging you off to people who know you, he's just gong to make himself look like a sad, bitter dickhead.

People will nod and sympathise pityingly and think to themselves, 'I can totally see why she dumped him'.

Also, don't make the mistake of assuming anyone will be that interested in his opinion of you.

Unless you are Brad and Angelina, no one will really give a shit.

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Offred · 24/09/2016 23:16

I think it is because he has significant influence in my local area though his position (and his charisma).

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imother · 24/09/2016 23:22

Oh come on OP!

Significant influence really? As Ducking said, most people really don't have the time or energy.

And so what if they thought you were terrible? Why would you care? You know the truth and you have to answer to yourself.

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Offred · 24/09/2016 23:24

Because I am very isolated and it has taken me 3 years to make 2 friends after XH. I am scared of having the emotional energy to deal with the hostility.

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DuckingAunts · 24/09/2016 23:25

You're letting yourself be ruled by fear. Take back control.

Also, you talk about this man like he's Frank Underwood and not just some parochial, local government bore.

Stop giving him so much power. He's just a crap man with a public job. He's not better than you.

What if you bad mouthed him? He could lose votes and not get re-elected. What would happen if he, as a councillor, was warned by police to leave you alone. His reputation stands to suffer more than yours does. He's actually in the more vulnerable position.

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RickOShay · 24/09/2016 23:25

Offred you can make yourself safe, you don't need anybody to do it for you, in fact nobody can, not really. If you didn't have a supportive family it is difficult, but not impossible. It is ok to be you. Self respect is the thing.
If you have felt for a long time that this relationship is not right for you, then it isn't. You haven't failed at anything. Could you articulate to yourself what exactly it is you are scared of? It might help you, rather than a morass of fear to have a few tangibles.
I feel for you. I understand what is is not to make yourself safe and ok. But you really can do it. I think if you are kind to yourself now, you might find the strength to leave. I wish you that strength sweetheart.

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Offred · 24/09/2016 23:31

I know that's right. In the last year though we have had one councillor (in his 70s) who was very publicly embarrassed by being caught with 'teen' porn on his publicly funded laptop and one who has recently been arrested as part of a long term care home fraud investigation who have not suffered any loss in their public positions.

I'm part of the local political group. He has recently moved into my constituency. The two new friends are from there. I don't think there would be any consequences for him even if I talked TBH.

My local town is small and pretty gossip hungry and he is well known.

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Offred · 24/09/2016 23:32

I am scared of him and his anger. He actively uses my vulnerability to hurt me. Me being scared or upset makes him angry.

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Offred · 24/09/2016 23:35

And I know this; "Offred you can make yourself safe, you don't need anybody to do it for you, in fact nobody can, not really."

I've done it before.

I know it is true.

I feel i can't overcome my fear of his rages/verbal abuse.

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FlowerOfTheValley · 24/09/2016 23:37

Offred you always give such good advice to other people. I'm very sorry you're in this position.

Good friends are there for you no matter what. Give your new friends the chance to help and support you. Please don't let a fear of him bad mouthing you be the reason you stay. Your real friends will not care what he says and views of acquaintances are not important but you are important.

You can do this, one step at a time if necessary. You know there will be plenty of people happy to hold your hand and support you along the way.

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RickOShay · 24/09/2016 23:41

When he rages, don't take any repsonsibilty for them. That is the key. You must not feel in ANY way that it is anything to do with you, anything at all, including your children. His anger is his and his alone, it is not yours. Hand it back to him. It is his.

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Offred · 24/09/2016 23:42

This You can do this, one step at a time if necessary. You know there will be plenty of people happy to hold your hand and support you along the way.

Is what I need.

It is such a bad time to lose people. I have a night out on Tuesday with the new friends. I want to scope things with them then.

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imother · 24/09/2016 23:44

He can only rage at you if you speak to him.

It is your decision if you see him, let alone speak to him.

If you split up you do not need to speak to him ever again.

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Offred · 24/09/2016 23:45

His rages are always provoked when I am upset. He has admitted, when calm, that it is bullying behaviour and he does it because he feels insecure. Doesn't stop it though.

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Storminateapot · 24/09/2016 23:49

I discovered in a time of deep physical adversity myself that I had some great friends. Not the ones I would have thought I could count on, but suddenly the truly golden ones showed themselves.
Focus on your health and the people who you think can support you. If you discover you do have a serious illness contact your local church for help. People will befriend you and take you to appointments etc. No prayer necessary.

You don't need this loser. In fact the last thing you need is him, regardless of your health. In adversity he will be useless.

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imother · 24/09/2016 23:49

There's really no point in exploring relationship issues with an abuser. Abusers do not respond to logic, caring or appealing to their better nature.

If you try to engage them they will twist your words, turn the tables, become defensive and shut down, gaslight, become angry etc etc etc. Never will they try to positively respond.

The only worthwhile activity with an abuser is to plan how you are going to get away from them and never see them again.

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