It has all got worse...

[Offred]

previous thread


Since the last thread things have got a bit better with DD in that her mood has improved significantly, she has gone back to school but the problems there remain and we are looking at different schools though SS are not exactly supportive.

My health has been crap though. I lost some vision in my left eye for 2 weeks recently, lost story short opthalmology found nothing and was referred to neurology, was going to ask BF to come but he had training in london so couldn't - quite sad but unavoidable.

Anyway, I arranged to stay with a friend after the appointment, which was on weds as I didn't want to be alone that day. It was not good news, in the investigation they found a tremor in my left leg and as it is on the same side as the sight loss they felt something was going on and want a brain scan - which is looking for all kinds of horrendous things.

My aunt has progressive MS and is very ill, I have been very scared this is the problem and BF is aware of this.

So weds I had concerned texts and phone calls from XH and my best friend but nothing all day from BF until a text at 11.30pm that he mistakenly sent to me when drunkenly trying to show a friend of his a photo.

I replied asking him what the photo he sent was about, he explained, I said the appointment hadn't gone well, he said he had been wondering and I just got really upset and blocked him.

I feel really really hurt. He claims he was wondering if the appointment had gone OK, but that is crap isn't it? He was just getting pissed with his friends. If he had been wondering why didn't he ask? Why was he just happily getting drunk with his friends?

I know the answers, he doesn't care unless he is getting something from me...

I unblocked him and spoke to him earlier, explained I was sorry for not explaining/blocking but have been a mess. he would normally have come round tonight but he hasn't and I have no clue when/if I will see him again as no plans.

I know this is shit. I know he cannot be there for me. I'm sad and vulnerable and lonely tonight. Please just talk to me. Everyone was so kind on the last thread.

[imother]

Storm is right, in fact in adversity an abuser will abuse more; seeing you as vulnerable will provoke them into bullying you even more as they know you are less in a position to fight back.

[RickOShay]

But you have a right to feel the way you do. It is ok for you to be upset, but it is not ok for him to be angry with you because you are. Your vulnerability scares him, he should be dealing with how he feels about that. It is not your deal. Your deal is your health and your daughter, and moving through past hurts. If he can't support you, then honestly what is the point? I think your worry about what other people will think is your insecurity speaking. If you value yourself then other people's opinion isn't that important.

[PoisonWitch]

It's awful Offred because you know deep down what is necessary but it's so difficult when it's your relationship. You give such excellent advice here and I hate to think of you feeling downtrodden by a man.

Saying all that I also have relationship issues that have left others saying LTB and I am yet to do so. Mine is a good person but there are issues that make me think I might be better off alone. He never bullies or rages at me though.

It's so so hard. I didn't leave my ex until I may current DP despite his physical/mental abuse and facilitating my rape by another man.

You may be ready to leave in which case best luck and tell us if you need practical help. If you're not ready that's fine too and we'll be here until you are.

[Offred]

You don't need this loser. In fact the last thing you need is him, regardless of your health. In adversity he will be useless.

This is the thought that is dominating my mind right now. It is just such a headfuck because he is so good at convincing me that he will be different and that things will be fine and that everything I am (legitimately) concerned about is just me being silly or irrational or overreacting.

[RickOShay]

So how does he convince you?

[Offred]

I hate that I have become that guy that is so frustrating to everyone else because it seems so obvious but it feels they won't do it.

I have had so many crap relationships, ended up so alone. I know what that is like. I also know what it is like to be with someone who is shit when you need support.

I wish I had still blocked him, was still in the feeling where I was angry and indignant and didn't care about dealing with this scan on my own.

[Offred]

Like today - 'OMG I am SO SORRY! Let me know when the scan is and I will take the day off' 'I love you so much, I've never met anyone I loved this much' then angry rage/crying/imposing himself depending on how I react.

[Offred]

He won't think anything of coming round while the children are here (he doesn't usually see them).

[imother]

Have you read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft?

The reason I ask is because you seem so confused that he can say he's nice but be so nasty.

That you can voice your legitimate worries and objections and he can dismiss

• all of which is absolutely standard, classic emotional abuse.
  

Honestly OP, educate yourself. Read the Bancroft book. Once you realise there is practically an emotional abuse script, they all use the same basic tactics, then you will be able to step back and watch him doing it.

You will realise that it's nothing personal to you, but a personality disorder in them. It remove his hold on you - which is all in your head.

[RickOShay]

How do you feel when he says I love you so much? Do you believe him?

[PoisonWitch]

It's horrendously hard. People were telling me to leave ex for years even without knowing the worst bits. The worst bits are still almost too shameful for.me to reveal IRL.

You know it's BS. You know you need to leave. You could do it tomorrow if you wanted. I know it isn't that easy. If you tell him to FOTTFSOFATFOSM tomorrow I will smile and smile widely for your sake.

If you don't though I understand. Ask for help again whenever you need it.

[Offred]

I have read the Bancroft book. I feel I have detached somewhat from his rages in that I no longer take them as judgements of me. I still haven't got to the point of being able to leave because I am still scared of how he will behave if I do.

When he says 'I love you so much' I think 'you don't know what that means' I say 'I love you too' and I physically cross my fingers behind my back - which is an utterly pointless rebellion.

[RickOShay]

Please don't feel you have to answer, but what exactly is it you are scared of?

[Offred]

Poisonwitch - I feel like you get it and it means a lot.

[Offred]

I am scared of his words, not physical violence. I know that is somewhat pathetic. I don't think he would be violent. I think he could be sexually violent which is a form of physical violence I know, though not when I am upset. I am scared he will use words and knowledge about my past to completely destroy my friendships and self esteem - he has in the past, frequently.

[Offred]

I have an opportunity to do it tomorrow... I will have no kids for a few hours.

[imother]

Do you feel that you haven't got the energy to cope with his reaction if you leave? Or split up, I'm not clear if you actually live with him?

You will come to the decision to end it in your own time. I think the average is 7 years or 12 incidents of violence. But hopefully you will not put yourself through that?

You sound like a lovely, intelligent and together person. If you've read the Bancroft book, you'll know that what this man says is all about manipulation and is false false false. Total bs. It's all about him and his inadequacies, nothing about you.

Your only part in this is to decide how and when to move on to a better life without him draining the energy and joy from your life.

[RickOShay]

Oh god. How can he destroy your relationships and self esteem? He can't. Sorry again, but how do you feel about counselling? Would that be a possibility? Offred, hold yourself darling, hold your own self, it will set you free.

[imother]

Do you recall the advice in Bancroft about after you've left? To be totally boring: "I'm sorry you feel like that, but it wasn't working for me" for example. Only that. Repeated. Ad nauseum.

I think you are building up your fears hugely and it really won't be as bad as you think when you leave.

[Offred]

He knows too much about me. When he was being lovely at the beginning I share too much with him. When I was suicidal last time it was because he cornered me in his car, wouldn't let me speak because he said I was interrupting if I did because he was still thinking and launched into an hours long rant about how I was crazy and abusive and how I made him behave badly to me because he was defending himself from my emotional abuse because I was a broken person who causes men to hurt her.

[Offred]

Me going to a&e in the 'advice' of nhs direct (who said they would take my kids into care if I didn't go straight to a&e) was me being manipulative and forcing him into a relationship even though I told him nothing about it until 2 yrs later.

[imother]

Bingo! Another classic ea strategy: accusing the victim of being the abuser.

Would you have been allowed to get out of the car?

What is the worst that can happen if he told other people what he knows about you?

[Offred]

I have got out of the car in the past, he has chased after me, caught me and admonished me for running away which is 'childish tactics to end the argument'.

[imother]

Me going to a&e in the 'advice' of nhs direct (who said they would take my kids into care if I didn't go straight to a&e) was me being manipulative and forcing him into a relationship even though I told him nothing about it until 2 yrs later.

That's obviously nonsense then isn't it? How could you have manipulated him if you didn't even tell him about it until 2 years later? More bs.

[imother]

I have got out of the car in the past, he has chased after me, caught me and admonished me for running away which is 'childish tactics to end the argument'.

Not childish, the opposite in fact, you were trying to take back control and remove yourself as you had every right to do. You are an adult and do not need his permission to walk away from an argument if you want to.