In love with my neighbour and he's 67

[Hareebip]

The title says it all really. I'm 33, and I'm in love with a man who lives on my street (not literally a neighbour). Background as to how it happened was that one day I had a parcel delivered to my address that was meant for his address. We got talking and he used to work in the same industry I am in (it's quite niche). He still does some consultant based work now on an ad hoc basis so we had lots to talk about. The next time I saw him walking back from the shop and said hello. This was a year ago and within a couple of weeks we were having dinner at each other's houses. He lives on his own but has 3 children he sees quite often.

I know it sounds crazy but within a couple of months I started to think I had fallen in love with him. He told me he loved me about three months after knowing me, (we'd never even kissed at this point). I've never told him I love him. Since about 8 months ago we have kissed and everything else. I love him dearly.

Obviously, at 67 he's not looking for the things I am. I know we can't be together. The connection we have is amazing and I did go into this with my eyes open, and I should have stopped it sooner, I know. He makes me laugh SO much and we have such an amazing time together.

But I know I can't do this. How do I deal with this situation I have got myself into? How do you get over someone and end something that doesn't need to end for any reason other than practically? I want children, clearly he's done that. I love him and it's going to break my heart not to see him. How do I deal with the fact he is on my street?

Feel completely alone with all of this, and don't know where to turn. Nobody knows about us either because we didn't want the criticism that we would get... I'm definitely not embarrassed about him, it was just an easy way of doing things. I don't want to not be in his life.

I'm rambling because I'm upset and mind is a mess. Any advice would help.

[Madinche1sea]

OP -I would be very careful here. I agree with Laiste, it's still early doors for this relationship. You haven't even met his children yet or have any idea if this relationship would hold once it is no longer a secret. At the moment, you're both in your own bubble, which is great, but at some point, reality will bite.

These are your most fertile years. Yes, people have babies in their late 30s / early 40s, but the risks increase quite dramatically after 37. Are these risks you're prepared to take?

You have a lot more to lose than him. He has nothing to lose really - he has his children and has been there, done that.

I'm 39. My DM and MIL are both 75 now and, believe me, there is a huge difference in energy levels and mentality between 67 and 75.

Sorry if this sounds a bit depressing, but please don't go rushing into anything here and try and keep a clear head.

[Hareebip]

I've read all these posts and I'm so grateful for all the viewpoints. I will tell him, I just don't know when.

I also think the poster who said to have a few days to myself is right. I need to do that to refresh and come back to it before making a decision I think?

[IrianOfW]

I don't wish to be cast a gloomy cloud on this but have you considered the risks of ending up as his carer in a few years time? H is 54 and is already suffering from minor health niggles. Nothing serious but enough to impinge on his life a little. By their mid 70s both my parents (fit and active throughout their lives) began to suffer health-wise and are now (a decade later) struggling with many problems. Their lives are unrecognisable from what they were 20 years ago.

I don't think your main problem is that you will lose him but that you might lose yourself caring for him.

[crje]

I don't think your main problem is that you will lose him but that you might lose yourself caring for him

This is so true.
You need to really think this through.
I think you should confide in a friend too.
Is life otherwise ok for you?

[HuskyLover1]

Looking at this purely from a practical perspective....

You are 33, so (if statistics quoted are correct) you have another 2 years of peak fertility. So, you need to decide asap, whether to ttc with him, or move on.

Best case scenario and he agrees to have children with you, and you get pregnant straight away, he will be 68 when you give birth. The average life expectancy for men in the UK is 81. So, if he were to follow that average your child would be 13 when he/she loses their Dad. And you would be a widow at 46. I don't particularly like those odds.

Also, how much longer will he be sexually active? Do you want to be celibate in your 40's?

Do you want o be juggling a teenager and being a carer in your 40's?

It sounds like a very hard path to take.

You don't live together, so it's not that serious yet. Could you continue to have fun with him, but keep it casual and date men your own age as well? Would he mind that? I suspect you wouldn't want to do that though, given how you feel.

[JigglypuffsCaptor]

Unfortunately life isn't a romantic drama.

OP I understand you live him dearly, it's obvious to see, but in the grand scheme of thisngs, in reality, you are about to sign yourself up to a hard slog. It's not the norm to be spritely and got at 90 quite the opposite. You are facing a life of no children also. Although old Mick Shagger can make babies faster than a coffee shop turns out latte's not many men in their 70's can without support.

If it were me, I'd walk away. I'd even move if I didn't own the property.

[Hareebip]

You're all right in relation to all the problems.

Someone asked if life was ok otherwise, and yes I think it is. I bought my house a year ago and I like it. I'm fine with work and I have some decent friends.

I have been dating while seeing mr 67. He knows this but we don't actually talk about it. Once he told me it hurt (in a jokey way but he meant it too).

I agree that I would be signing up to a lot of hardship, even with some great times, I'm going to have to accept that it wouldn't always be an equal relationship as I would end up caring for him. Right now I don't give a toss about that, but the cynical me knows that the reality is that it would be very hard.

I have confided in one of my friends. She told me not to have the conversation with him and to move on because then I won't have to face a horrible discussion on something that ultimately wouldn't work out. She also thinks if I was dating more I would see that he was older... Ie I don't see it as much because I spend so much time with him.

[HelenaDove]

HuskyLover has made some good points OP.

Celibacy may well be something that could happen to you in this relationship.

Dont assume that your sex drive will take a dive in your 40s. For a lot of women it actually increases.

[HelenaDove]

"I have been dating while seeing mr 67. He knows this but we don't actually talk about it. Once he told me it hurt (in a jokey way but he meant it too"



Hes telling you how it is likely going to be here. So hes unlikely to consider an open relationship should the need arise.

Would these men have put up with the same when they were younger themselves?

[Helloitsmeeeee]

I agree that 67 is different from 70s and five years or so can make a big difference in health and activity levels. I have seen it with family and retired friends (men more than women as it happens.)

Having said that, I think some of the comments here are lovely and maybe it could work if you have genuine feelings for each other. Much better to be with someone you love who is older than compromise in a miserable marriage just to have children. Look at all the threads on here from women who are treated like dirt, or are in loveless and sexless relationships they can't escape.

[Resilience16]

I'd love to know what the outcome was on this one. Hope it worked out for you Hareebip, whatever you decided.

[Dadaist]

OP - you've just made us gush with joy and envy - what you describe is rare and special and you'd be crazy not to explore things and live this experience. That said, you are perfectly right to see that, with the best will in the world, the age gap matters - especially with a thought for having children and looking to the longer term future.
However daft we start out in life, no one can live on this planet for 67 years and not gain a little wisdom. I think your older man will know exactly the problems a long term relationship with him pose for you. And if he loves you, he will not want to cause you pain and regret.
So my advice would be ... Don't make promises you can't keep, don't pretend that things which matter can be discarded,, and accept that loving can bring heartbreak - because my guess he knows these things perfectly well. For what it's worth, I would happily enter into one last love and heartbreak to experience life to the full, rather than live out one more regret and self denial. Tell him you love him and let the future look after itself! You may break his heart - you may break yours, but it beats wishing your life away with safe lonely hopes of an ideal situation.
Just beware that you may regret, if it means sacrifices for you down the line - or it may end because of them - so unless you enter this with eyes open you may blame him or resent him. But believe me he will know all this - and what's wrong with a bit of now time?

[daisychain01]

It's great having strong feelings for him, but you need to take this into the real world, otherwise you'll blow it up out of proportion.

I would continue to see him as a friend and give it more time.

Reading your comments, I think 75% of what you've posted is coming from your imagination with maybe only a small bit of input coming from him. You need to redress the balance, but slowly otherwise he could run a mile because it sounds too intense.

[heyday]

I am in my early 50s and my partner is in early 70s. It's never been too much of a problem but we didn't have children together so our journey together has been somewhat easier because of that. I must admit I have noticed that since hitting 70 he has started to go downhill and certainly looks like a very elderly bloke now. I think if you were to discuss having children he would have to face a major dilemma in his life. He would have to admit to his children, whom he obviously loves dearly, that he is having a relationship with someone very close to their age and they may well find it very distasteful. If his ex wife is still very involved in his life then she may be very upset by this relationship and try to turn his children against him. Of course, this is pure speculation but it may be a possibility that you may need to face and one that could tear you apart. Like previous posters have said: if you are serious about each other then grow up and face the real world with its real problems. Carrying on with a secret affair is all very exciting but sadly not reality.