In love with my neighbour and he's 67

[Hareebip]

The title says it all really. I'm 33, and I'm in love with a man who lives on my street (not literally a neighbour). Background as to how it happened was that one day I had a parcel delivered to my address that was meant for his address. We got talking and he used to work in the same industry I am in (it's quite niche). He still does some consultant based work now on an ad hoc basis so we had lots to talk about. The next time I saw him walking back from the shop and said hello. This was a year ago and within a couple of weeks we were having dinner at each other's houses. He lives on his own but has 3 children he sees quite often.

I know it sounds crazy but within a couple of months I started to think I had fallen in love with him. He told me he loved me about three months after knowing me, (we'd never even kissed at this point). I've never told him I love him. Since about 8 months ago we have kissed and everything else. I love him dearly.

Obviously, at 67 he's not looking for the things I am. I know we can't be together. The connection we have is amazing and I did go into this with my eyes open, and I should have stopped it sooner, I know. He makes me laugh SO much and we have such an amazing time together.

But I know I can't do this. How do I deal with this situation I have got myself into? How do you get over someone and end something that doesn't need to end for any reason other than practically? I want children, clearly he's done that. I love him and it's going to break my heart not to see him. How do I deal with the fact he is on my street?

Feel completely alone with all of this, and don't know where to turn. Nobody knows about us either because we didn't want the criticism that we would get... I'm definitely not embarrassed about him, it was just an easy way of doing things. I don't want to not be in his life.

I'm rambling because I'm upset and mind is a mess. Any advice would help.

[Hareebip]

Thank you everyone. He just left and I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Sitting on Tesco car park in tears. He is seeing his children tomorrow, and he made no mention of me meeting them. They are his priority and I understand that, but it's made me think that he really doesn't see me as more than something to pass the time.

I feel sick. I really do love him. Maybe I should write to him about it instead of a conversation? Or maybe I should leave it and move on. I will miss him so much.

[HelenaDove]

He must have some idea how you feel surely.


Im 43 and my DH is 66. We havent had a physical relationship for 20 years.

But you sound very sure and hes just not getting the hint or he is and is ignoring it.

[Hareebip]

Helena, are you happy with that?

I think perhaps he knows but isn't going to suggest it unless I do. I'm not sure. I know I have to address it if I want an answer. I just don't have much hope.

[crje]

Could just friends work ?

Go for meals, to the theatre & cinema.

Does it have to be all or nothing?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Hareebip, from a purely aesthetic point of view, you are holding all the cards. You are still a young woman with your life ahead of you, no 'baggage', just free and single and someone to be cherished. That's what HE is thinking.

He has no idea that you feel the way you do about him because you haven't told him. He is possibly dreading the day when you tell him that you've met somebody else and he has to let you go. He has his children whom he must prioritise but if you were in his life you would ALSO be a priority.

His age - in his mind - is an insurmountable problem. Because he has no idea how you feel about him. You're half his age roughly. What decent man wouldn't feel a bit abashed and taken aback at the thought of having a real relationship with somebody so much younger? Because he has no idea how you feel!

You're sitting in a car park crying because he doesn't know and you can't bring yourself to tell him. What do you really have to lose? You love this man - do you really think that he wouldn't return your love? So you want children; on the understanding that he may or may not be around, he may be thrilled and honoured to be their father.

Gather your thoughts, put them in a letter. Go and hand deliver it and sit with him whilst he reads it. Watch his expressions and you'll know everything you need to know. You really have nothing to lose, not if you really love this man and are sure of his affection and respect for you.

We regret what we didn't do far more often than regretting what we had the courage to do. Just saying...

Do it. Just do it. :)

[crazyhead]

Really tough situation. My friends parents had a similar age gap. Her dad's still alive at nearly 100 but the reality is friend's mum had kids and by the time they were 10 was her husband's carer and has been for 30 years. Personally I would take a long holiday alone and think this through. There are no certainties (I lost my mum in her 60s before my friend has lost her v elderly dad) but there are likelihoods. In your shoes I'd really take the time to weigh them up. all the best x

[HelenaDove]

Harebip...............most of the time im ok with it.

Ive had a bit of a melancholy summer this year though and been a bit down.

The first 10 years it was due to a low libido The last ten he has developed ischemic heart disease and emphysema.

[Hareebip]

The views are all so helpful, thank you.

I think I feel uncomfortable too because his ex wife is very much in the picture - as in they speak a lot over the kids. Which I understand. But I just feel I'm ploughing in and being selfish by saying this to him. He's very happy and settled, before I came along. I was an addition, not a fix to his life, if you know what I mean!

Going to aim to do this within the week. At least il know where I stand.

[VanellopeVonSchweetz99]

OP, I really feel for you. Lots of potential challenges & heartbreak ahead, but that's just life. No guarantees, not ever.
And I will say; a love like you have described in this post doesn't always happen in a lifetime so really you must go for it, it would almost be a sin otherwise (if I believed in such things as 'sin').
x

[StirredNotShaken]

Just another point to make here. The best relationships are when you are not necessary for someone's life. You don't want to 'complete' anyone or them you. It sounds like he is already his own person which is far more attractive a proposition!

[debbs77]

I think a letter would be great seeing as that is how you communicate a lot anyway (and what a lovely way to communicate!).

Plus then he can think of his answer rather than be rushed on the spot.

Like others have said, this may be a once in a life time kind of love. Like fairy tale love. Grasp it!

[SueTrinder]

Do you know, I'm concerned that you haven't made this relationship more public and that you're living in a romantic bubble. Expose the relationship to the light and meet his family and friends and let him meet yours and see how things progress. And if you think you love him then tell him. You're not being honest at the moment, either with him or yourself or your friends and family.

TBH I think your putative children are a sideshow in all this, you don't know if you can have them, you don't know if you'd meet someone close in age to you who'd want them with you, you don't know if this man would want to have children with you or not. I wouldn't make any decisions on the possibility of children, you have to concentrate on if this relationship is strong enough to survive real life.

[CheerfulYank]

I honestly don't know, but I feel for you.

[IreallyKNOWiamright]

I think you need to be careful. I know you think you love him but he is old enough to be your dad.
You have to think realistically about your future because his health might deteriorate in the next 5 years and you might end up as his carer. Think out of the box.

[squishee]

Lovely to read about your happiness OP. I would say go for it. But you need to have those big difficult conversations - as do my lovely DP and I. So I sympathise.

[BarbarianMum]

Please don't have children with someone in his late 60s. Being widowed and watching your child(ren) be devestated by the loss of their father is not something to aim for. Neither is trying to juggle raising children with being a carer - and watching your dad's health fail is difficult enough as an adult, frankly.

[StirredNotShaken]

As I posted earlier on this thread, age is not an indicator of lifespan. My dh died when I was 44 leaving me to bring up our two children - then aged 3 and 12. He was 54. You can be widowed at any age. A man of 50 can have a heart attack, accident, stroke etc. I say go for the happiness angle. Life is short, make the most of it!

[BarbarianMum]

Of course it is. Have you heard of statistics? Look up the tables for lifespan, prostate cancer, heart failure, dementia, Parkinsons, stroke - then come back and say there is no correlation with age. Life may not come with guarentees but you can be certain that your body fails as you age.

[StirredNotShaken]

BarbarianMum yes i know that -but as a widow who expected my husband to live a lot longer than he did I'm simply saying that a man of 67 could live to be 100 and a man of 50 could live to be 52! We just do not know.

[shovetheholly]

I don't know if this is helpful, but I think sometimes we have a very narrow concept of love, that of a monogamous, committed, reproductive couple. And this is not the only kind of love, not by a long way It's so much more complicated that this. I wonder if it might be helpful to welcome in this kind of love for what it is, rather than trying to turn it into that model. If you can't do that, because you really want the model with a guy with whom it can't work, then that tells you what you need to know about the future for this.

[Easystreet52]

He surely isn't going to want another family at 67! Comparing him with Mick Jagger is hardly a like for like comparison is it! I assume Mick Jagger is going to have lots of help and probably doesn't have to do much at all. He is also going to leave behind millions of pounds for his families.

Nobody knows what's going to happen but I agree with Barbarian Mum, statistics show that health will get worse over time not better and life expectancy is clearly shorter the older you get.

It's all very nice all this love stuff but think hard about what you really want. If it is a family then walk away now.

I have been intensely in love in the first year or so and it has faded so be careful.

I don't believe in "The One" but more that there are thousands of people we are potentially compatible with.

Still, it's your life so your decision

[TwoKettles]

What's the alternative here? Never find anyone you feel the same about, or want to have children with? Watch him sail away into the sunset with someone else ( and that person may end up having kids with him...)
I'm in the Do It camp

[StirredNotShaken]

Would love to hear what the OP is thinking now....YOu OK hareebip

[Laiste]

I'm going to echo what sue said upthread. About the romantic bubble:

Expose the relationship to the light and meet his family and friends and let him meet yours and see how things progress. And if you think you love him then tell him. You're not being honest at the moment, either with him or yourself or your friends and family.

I really agree with this. As things stand at the moment the relationship is almost like an affair. The way you are at stalemate, and disconnected from the day to day druggery of real life. The feelings that are swirling around have no way to either grow or die because nothing real is going on. Am i making any sense?

Forget about the children aspect for now. You are trying to foresee and decide about far future details of a relationship which has not really got 'wings' yet.

If this man was your age what would your next step be? Maybe approach it like that? You'd tell him how you feel. You'd make noises about meeting his kids? Go forward with that and see what happens in the next few months.

[Justaboy]

Go and tell him like it is hareebip else he'll never know and i bet you'll regret it for years. After all 'tis better to have loved and lost then not loved at all;!

As to the children issue I made mention of Mick Jagger with whom i had the pleasure of working with many years ago for a short while he's a real old tightwad is our Mick mind you those who rarely spend it accumulate it. That said no you don't need millions to provide for a child. If i were in his shoes and had a younger woman with child she and said child would be provided for should i chuck of the mortal coil. It might be thought that the child would be deprived of a parent but what about the number of single parent families they get by there was a woman on these forums the other week who wanted the child but not the father so off she was going to see a sperm donor etc.

Not the main point here i think but best if hareelip goes and talks to him or writes that can carry a lot more meaning than the spoke word sometimes.

And just get on with it before anymore emotive energy is expended

Anyway best to you hope it all ends well one way or the other.