In love with my neighbour and he's 67

[Hareebip]

The title says it all really. I'm 33, and I'm in love with a man who lives on my street (not literally a neighbour). Background as to how it happened was that one day I had a parcel delivered to my address that was meant for his address. We got talking and he used to work in the same industry I am in (it's quite niche). He still does some consultant based work now on an ad hoc basis so we had lots to talk about. The next time I saw him walking back from the shop and said hello. This was a year ago and within a couple of weeks we were having dinner at each other's houses. He lives on his own but has 3 children he sees quite often.

I know it sounds crazy but within a couple of months I started to think I had fallen in love with him. He told me he loved me about three months after knowing me, (we'd never even kissed at this point). I've never told him I love him. Since about 8 months ago we have kissed and everything else. I love him dearly.

Obviously, at 67 he's not looking for the things I am. I know we can't be together. The connection we have is amazing and I did go into this with my eyes open, and I should have stopped it sooner, I know. He makes me laugh SO much and we have such an amazing time together.

But I know I can't do this. How do I deal with this situation I have got myself into? How do you get over someone and end something that doesn't need to end for any reason other than practically? I want children, clearly he's done that. I love him and it's going to break my heart not to see him. How do I deal with the fact he is on my street?

Feel completely alone with all of this, and don't know where to turn. Nobody knows about us either because we didn't want the criticism that we would get... I'm definitely not embarrassed about him, it was just an easy way of doing things. I don't want to not be in his life.

I'm rambling because I'm upset and mind is a mess. Any advice would help.

[Hareebip]

I really don't think he'll be expecting me to say any of this.

[RegTheMonkey1]

Hareebip, there are so many elements of your post that rang true with me. When I was in my 20s I fell for a man in his late 40s. We worked in the same industry (though not together) and he was like a mentor to me in the early stages of my career. I fell for him and he for me, he was divorced, but we thought the age gap was just too much. So after a short-ish relationship of about 6 months we parted. I started going out with guys my own age and lost track of him. But no one ever made me laugh so much, or connected with me, or made me feel so special or just ... everything.

Then one day when I was in my late 30s I bumped into him again at an industry event, and it all started up again. We never married and I didn't want children (which is where we differ OP) and I honestly had the time of my life with him. He died aged 86 when I was 60. But look at the years I had with him ... you could marry someone your own age and not even have that time with them.

I now say to people, you never know what will happen, so don't ever turn your back on such love.

I hope you can work it out.

[SleepingTiger]

You ".....can't even really explain it."

Well I can, it's called love. When you don't know how to explain it that's exactly what it is.

Go and grab a huge nugget of it because it's rare.

Now, if his shoulders and heart are really as broad and as big as you believe they are he will give you everything. I means kids. There are ways, as I have said before,

And you have the best gift of all. Time.

[Hareebip]

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate the support.

If he won't give me kids, or at least try... Do I take that as not the most perfect love I could have? I don't know what his reaction will be to be honest. He takes life with his kids very seriously and I think he'd worry about not being around etc. It's a big thing for me though. I want them, or one at least.

[RegTheMonkey1]

If having children is the most important thing in your life, then you either have to walk away from this man and find someone who does want to have children with you, or you take your relationship with him a stage further and see how it goes ... I'm not saying you will never find another man so suitable for you, widows, widowers, divorced people - many of them go on to find love again. I would just see how it goes.

[ShelaghTurner]

A friend of mine (early forties) is in a wonderful relationship with a man about to turn 79. They don't have children but they do have an immensely loving adventurous life full of art and travel and very good food and wine!

So I'd say the age isn't a problem so much as you wanting children is. You need to talk to him.

[GloriaGaynor]

I dunno my parents would say they were OK til they were 75 and from then on it was downhill fast. At 78 a few of their friends are still fighting fit, but some of them are dead.

There's no way I'd take on a child at that age.

[Laska5772]

No body knows the future ....67 aint that old if he is in good health ( says this 58 year old!! ) . My parents are still healthy and active at 89 and 91..

[Nuggy2013]

Op my grandparents eloped because there was a 20 odd year age gap between them and my grandmother wouldn't have 'been allowed' to marry my grandfather. They were happily married, had 5 children and my grandmother was struck with terminal cancer at an early age. My granddad lived until his 90's and was sharp and Spritely til he died.
You can't predict the future, go with what will make you happy, wish you the best

[Justaboy]

On being in our Sixties we're soon to be expected to work more and retire later. Life expectancy and health is improving for older people so perhaps there is a new older third age. I remember way back when i was younger anyone of retirement age was shagged out, pardon the phrase, but they were worn out most doing manual work and labouring and smoking like the factory chimneys. Whereas these days life expectancy improving all the time perhaps at 67 he's not too old. OK one day he will fall off the perch but many good years perhaps till then.

Best decided between you and how you are together is the main thing no one else in this situation matters so on reflection Enjoy it:-)

[crje]

I think this romance has a shelf life.
Ye will eventually have to compromise too much to be happy.

I don't think in this instance love will conquer all, sorry.

[StirredNotShaken]

This sounds like a beautiful relationship. Thing is, with his age, like others have said, is there is no guarantee! I met and married my husband by 26 (he was 10 years older) and we had two children together but he was dead by the time I was 44. Age is not necessarily an indicator of how long you will live...Grasp the chance and go for it!

[danTDM]

I totally agree with crje (as someone with a 20 yr age gap)
Ultimately there is definitely a shelf life and children I am afraid, would be a complete no no. Poor child of 8, if you had one, how old is her father? My DD finds it hard enough and my DH is much, much younger than your friend.

Also, bear in mind how his children may react, it won't be happy I should think.

I'm sorry, but practically this would not work happily in the long run. Believe me.

[HazelBite]

OP I am 65, many of my friends who have grandchildren say that they have more time for them now that they are older than they had for their own DC's.
As regards his age, is he an "old" man, by that I mean is he elderly in his outlook on life? I suspect not otherwise you would not be attracted to him. Is he flexible in his attitudes and open minded or set and fixed in his opinions?
All these things matter if you are to embark on a future with him. My opinion for what its worth is go for it, age should not be a barrier, neither should all the "what ifs"
One thing I have learnt in my 65 years is you never know what life is going to chuck at you and you are more likely to regret the chances and opportunities that you don't take follow.
You at 33 have nothing to lose by suggesting to him that you take the relationship to another level, you need to find out/discuss how far each of you are prepared to accomodate each others wants and needs.
Good Luck

[danTDM]

Thing is, you don't 'just die' you can be totally dependant in nappies. Do you want any future children to see that?
I really don't mean to be horrid but it is necessary to consider any future children.

[DelicatePreciousThing1]

Whaaaaat? Is this thread for real?

[crje]

^^agree

Shagger Jagger has the money for any supports he and his family will need.
Not quite the same when you have to do it all yourself.

Relationship yes
Kids no

[messeduptotally]

I'm involved with someone 18 yrs my senior, Im 37 we each have our own grown up children though.
My ex thinks (at 55) hes an OAP although his gf is 14 yrs his junior (double standards?!)

[RubbishMantra]

Not so much of an age gap, but my DH was 8 years younger than me. I never wanted children, he was kind of unsure, but we talked it through, and he decided he wanted me more than children.

Despite the fact he was younger than me, I've outlived him. Still raw and painful, but those years of completely loving another person, I wouldn't give them up for the world.

It sound as if you're in a place where you can talk frankly about your future, children, expectations etc. Have that conversation before you take your relationship progresses, to avoid hurt on either side in the future.

If you both want the same things, or are both willing to compromise without resentment, take the happiness and enjoy it. To love and be loved is a gift.

[user1472504427]

op, this may sound harsh but Id advise you move on.

I'm in my early thirties and still very physically fit, yet sometimes I wish I'd had my kids when I was younger and more energetic. It's not easy raising kids and it's definitely not something I'd advise any man to do at that age.

As for future kids - please think about their future needs and right to enjoy things most kids do with their dad.

As a wife/partner, you need support in all aspects too, including (and not limited to) house chores. Would he still be able to help with all that few years from now?

I know someone who went down that root and trust me, she has no life at all.

[christmasmum]

My father-in-law is 25 years older than his now ex-wife. It was great at first, they had a child together who is now 14. She left him three years ago. It's alright being with a 65 year old, it's not as OK being with a 70 year old and she could see how awful it was going to be being with a 75 year old when she is still effectively in the prime of her life.

Short term pain, long term gain. Sorry if that's harsh but I genuinely think you're storing up even more pain for the future here. Anyway, just because a love affair ends, doesn't mean it wasn't beautiful. Everything ends.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

You really must have a good conversation with this man, OP. It sounds as if you love each other and that's not always easy to find, lots of people settle and call it 'love' because they don't want to face up to the fact that it actually wasn't.

If yours is then you owe it to both of you to discuss your future together, however long or short it is.

Really rooting for you

[Holowiwi]

The age gap is too big he might be okay now at 67 but what will his health be like in 5 years or 10 years. He might live to a good age of 99 abut death isn't the issue. You might have to care for him throughout your prime.

[debbs77]

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say how wonderful it is that you feel this way. It's lovely to read xx

[Aszxdsaqwe123]

I agree with debbs77 - in a place of so much pain its lovely to ready these messages. So want this to have a happy ending.