My husband can't stop lying

[ralice]

Hi all. I think this is my first post - I've been lurking for years.

My husband is a liar. Not earth-shattering, life-changing lies, but lots of small lies.

Tonight, for instance, he's meant to be running a singing group (a paid group, he gets £5 per person). It's only the second week it's been on, yet he told me when he got home from work at 6.15pm (the group is at 7.30) that it's been cancelled because the venue overbooked. I thought it seemed a bit fishy, so after dinner I looked at his Facebook messages - I know, I know, I am in the wrong for that one - and I found that he'd told the whole singing group a lie; that he'd lost his voice so couldn't attend!

It's not the first time he's done this. A few weeks ago he was meant to be performing in town for a free gig. He was feeling tired so he told me that he let the guy running it know that he wasn't going to be able to make it... I found out later that he'd told the guy he had to take our son to hospital!!! The guy posted on Facebook that he hoped our son made a speedy recovery!

He has also lied to me in the past, mostly about money. For instance, earlier this year he didn't tell me that he had about £1,000 on credit cards from over-spending at Christmas. When he did eventually tell me it was only because I was trying to work out our monthly bills and how we'd survive because I was on maternity leave and he'd just lost his job. And when we first got together a few years ago he was getting some letters from bailiffs saying he owed £300, £600, £500s etc. He lied and said it was all a mistake - it came out a couple of years later when we were trying to buy a house that this was all correct and he had an atrocious credit score. I had to bail him out over £2.5k so we could buy our house.

I can't think of many other specific cases, but it's just little things: "I forgot" when he just couldn't be bothered; "They didn't have any in stock" when he didn't even go to the shops; "It was in the sale" when it was vastly over-priced; "[Our son] wasn't hungry" when he didn't think to feed him lunch... Eventually most of these lies come out because I'm observant and have a good memory, and he forgets which lies he's told. Most of the time I don't bother mentioning when I know he's lying.

I'm looking for some advice here. Do I confront him about his lying? It puts me in a difficult position because I can never trust what he says! We are married and have a mortgage, so if he gets in lots of debt it will negatively affect us both (and our son!).

What would you do? I am armed with so please say what think about this situation. Thank you!

[P1nkP0ppy]

It must come to the point where you will question everything he says op, you won't know whether anything is true or not.

I'd leave purely because I wouldn't want to have to second guess everything.

[ralice]

Swearygodmother, that's interesting. He is very outgoing, loud, a 'life of the party' kind of person, so I can't imagine his self esteem to be too low. Then again, he tells me he was shy when he was younger.

Happy to hear you and your OH worked this out. What kind of counselling was it? A specialist or general counsellor? I wonder if we could get something on the nhs... Probably not I suppose. Sigh.

[User543212345]

It was a general talking therapist who we got through employee assistance at DH's work. It might be available through the NHS though, no harm in asking. DH also seems rather extroverted and people think he's more confident than he is. He's very much not though and this exterior is very brittle. Lots of outwardly loud people struggle internally.

[ralice]

He came home from work early today and picked up LO from nursery at 4. Told me he had time off in lieu. I looked at his phone and he had sent a text to his boss along the lines of, 'Please call me asap, disaster at home'. What a fuck.

[ReggaeShark]

Habitual liar. So sorry OP.

[VeryFoolishFay]

DH also seems rather extroverted and people think he's more confident than he is. He's very much not though and this exterior is very brittle. Lots of outwardly loud people struggle internally

This describes my DH exactly. We've had similar issues with lying, usually about silly things, and they've been pretty much overcome. But unfortunately, I think I will always be a bit on my guard now. Still, none of us are perfect and we rub along pretty well.

[ImperialBlether]

He sounds awful, OP. How can you live with someone who's disgusting (toilet, kitchen) and who lies non-stop? He sounds really lazy, too - a lot of these lies are so that he gets out of doing any work, aren't they?

What happens financially? Does he work full-time? Do you?

[ralice]

Yes he works full time. I've been on maternity leave but have started freelancing this month - I work while LO naps and while he's at nursery on Wednesdays and Thursday's till 4. LO is 11 months old and very full-on.

He lost his last two jobs (didn't pass probationary period). He's been in his current place since start of July. I have a feeling he'll lose this one if he lies to them!

[ralice]

Thursdays, not Thursday's!! Autocorrect fgs.

[PamDooveOrangeJoof]

Why did he lose his last two jobs? Lying?!
Or did he leave th beciase he wanted to and told you a lie that he didn't pass probation. Who knows?! He probably won't be telling your the truth!

I'm sorry I would find this too
Exhausting.
I would be out of there.

He is a massive liability.

[ralice]

We've had a big chat about it all tonight. He has acknowledged that he has a problem with lying and has agreed to seek counselling. I've also told him I won't live like this (in a dirty house with no diy done) for the next 60 years. Fingers crossed...

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Get some counselling for yourself too.

You've put up with some awful crap already.

You'll probably need someone to talk to when you are wondering if he is actually going to counselling or when you are debating if his loading dishwasher every night and reducing the floordrobe makes up for losing his job, etc.

[Bettydownthehall]

I started almost the same thread 18 months ago when I was about to start maternity and DP lost ANOTHER job for lying, going in late and lying about why,taking days off and lying about it ect ect.

To cut a long story short I didn't leave him. I have since ended things with him twice and each time believed his pleas that he would change, he would do this and that around the house, he would work harder at the business I started for him. He never has. Now I am working full time while he stays at home doing the childcare. I don't want to give up my career so I can't leave him (my job wouldn't work with nurserys or childminders)
Moral of this tale OP is don't be me. Set a time scale for him to get counselling. If he doesn't then leave.

[SandyY2K]

His employers probably find him untrustworthy and he's likely skivved off work with excuses which are lies time and time again.

He sounds very lazy and much of his lies are to get out of doing anything like work.

couldn't deal with the laziness and inability to hold down a job.

[DownTownAbbey]

He's lost jobs in the past. His lies are pretty casual and flimsy (he's no great lying mastermind by the sound of it). He's lied about a family emergency to his current job. He'll be out of work again soon, then. Apart from the fact that this is unattractive at best he's jeopardising your future whilst slacking around and causing stress in your here and now. His lazy arse is making your life more difficult.

[Kokolo]

I’ve been with mine for 11 years and just put him out of the house, he also has a drinking problem. The truth is; it only gets worse. Are used to just not even confront it because I didn’t have the energy. However this only shows them that they can get away with it and encourages them to keep doing it . I’ve been through hell and back because of this, and he will always find a way to twist it and blame it on you. I know it’s hard to let go because that’s how I felt in the beginning, and still do, but trust me it will save you a lot of heartache and not only that but your self-esteem will be damaged so much. I have so much on anxiety now, I hardly leave the house anymore. So have respect and love for yourself, and ur kid/s. I hope you find a resolution. lots of love 😘

[dirtybadger]

I would set a firm date for reconsidering. Its great hes seeking help, but it cant be never ending.

He isnt just lying to keep out of trouble. He is making the trouble himself! He could avoid the trouble all together by not being lazy. He sounds unreliable. He wants to live without consequences. I hope the counselling does resolve things but I would be more put off by his general morals (letting people down, etc) than the lying or money to be honest. Even if he was honest (which would be better...) it would be an issue.

Good luck

[Ellie56]

How do you know what's true and what isn't? It sounds like your whole life could be a lie! .

I couldn't put up with this. Too exhausting and too scary. Anything could happen and you wouldn't know until it was too late.

And he's a lazy idle slob who doesn't have a work ethic, leaves his shit (literally) for you to clean up, and thinks nothing of letting people down at the last minute. Not attractive at all.

Get rid OP. You deserve better.

[Coyoacan]

I don't think any amount of counselling will cure his laziness, OP.

I used to lie a lot when I was a teenager to avoid trouble and I was able to change. But his lying combined with his inate laziness and willingness to break his commitments just because he can't be arsed is much more serious

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

WARNING ZOMBIE THREAD

It's been 18 months, I'd imagine Op has made further progress!

[HisBetterHalf]

Have you told him you know he is lying? If so, whats his response? I couldnt live with a liar

[coffeecuppa]

I am the OP (name changed) and I can confirm process has indeed been made - I've just sent off for the decree absolute! Goodbye lying husband!

[coffeecuppa]

Progress*!

Unsurprisingly, there were lots of additional lies along the journey. Even now, with us living apart and only seeing each other to drop off/pick up DS, the pathetic lies keep coming!

I'm well rid!

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

[Paperdoll16]

No way, OP?

Was it continued small lies or one big one that was the deal breaker?

I've just RTFT as my DH has a history of this too, although to a lesser extent. I think hope we have turned a corner now but once that trust has been broken it's really difficult to not think it's the last time.