My husband can't stop lying

[ralice]

Hi all. I think this is my first post - I've been lurking for years.

My husband is a liar. Not earth-shattering, life-changing lies, but lots of small lies.

Tonight, for instance, he's meant to be running a singing group (a paid group, he gets £5 per person). It's only the second week it's been on, yet he told me when he got home from work at 6.15pm (the group is at 7.30) that it's been cancelled because the venue overbooked. I thought it seemed a bit fishy, so after dinner I looked at his Facebook messages - I know, I know, I am in the wrong for that one - and I found that he'd told the whole singing group a lie; that he'd lost his voice so couldn't attend!

It's not the first time he's done this. A few weeks ago he was meant to be performing in town for a free gig. He was feeling tired so he told me that he let the guy running it know that he wasn't going to be able to make it... I found out later that he'd told the guy he had to take our son to hospital!!! The guy posted on Facebook that he hoped our son made a speedy recovery!

He has also lied to me in the past, mostly about money. For instance, earlier this year he didn't tell me that he had about £1,000 on credit cards from over-spending at Christmas. When he did eventually tell me it was only because I was trying to work out our monthly bills and how we'd survive because I was on maternity leave and he'd just lost his job. And when we first got together a few years ago he was getting some letters from bailiffs saying he owed £300, £600, £500s etc. He lied and said it was all a mistake - it came out a couple of years later when we were trying to buy a house that this was all correct and he had an atrocious credit score. I had to bail him out over £2.5k so we could buy our house.

I can't think of many other specific cases, but it's just little things: "I forgot" when he just couldn't be bothered; "They didn't have any in stock" when he didn't even go to the shops; "It was in the sale" when it was vastly over-priced; "[Our son] wasn't hungry" when he didn't think to feed him lunch... Eventually most of these lies come out because I'm observant and have a good memory, and he forgets which lies he's told. Most of the time I don't bother mentioning when I know he's lying.

I'm looking for some advice here. Do I confront him about his lying? It puts me in a difficult position because I can never trust what he says! We are married and have a mortgage, so if he gets in lots of debt it will negatively affect us both (and our son!).

What would you do? I am armed with so please say what think about this situation. Thank you!

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

Are you married to my ex? God it was tedious uncovering the pointless lies. It was as if he told a million little lies to obscure the six big lies a week.

[CodyKing]

Parents and schools usually take the root that admitting X will be less trouble than lying - and usually a lying child will be questioned and found out

Also many friends drop liars as they can't be trusted - does he have many friends?

[MrHannahSnell]

Don't you find it tiring OP? I'd get out now if I was you. I just couldn't be bothered to put up with it, plus one day he's going to lie about something really serious and you'll find yourself in deep shit.

[TeaRexit]

It will get worse.

He will always save himself though, even if your on your arse.

[Isetan]

This is who he is and who he has always been. The price for being with this man is the constant stream of lies and only you can decide if that price isn't too high. However, resentment is a relationship killer and it doesn't go away of its own accord. Either he seeks help with his compulsive lying or you accept him for who he is and lying and all.

[ralice]

Thank you for all your replies.

I think I need to have a sit down and talk to him about it all. Some of his lies are lies of omission - he didn't tell me that he was in trouble at his last place of work, for instance. Other lies are right to my face, like last night when he fabricated the elaborate lie about the venue over-booking when I asked him about it in more detail; he said something like it was a foreign language class that have precedence over room bookings so can jump in at the last minute and take the room!? I asked him whether it would impact his music group in future: "No, it shouldn't do." Grr!

The thing is, he really loves me. He doesn't lie because he wants to hurt me - he lies to make his own life easier and avoid getting in trouble (e.g. with the music group, they'd think badly of him if he just told them he was too tired lazy to host it).

What a dick.

[pictish]

Yes, what a dick. I suspect that in time, his lying will become increasingly unattractive to the point that any respect you once had for him will be gone.

The example of the singing group and the free gig - he thinks nothing of letting people down on a whim and will exploit whatever angle he can to facilitate doing so...even going so low as to exploit his own son. And for what? To slime his way out of honouring his commitments.

It's not good. He's deceitful, manipulative and emotionally immature. You can't trust a single thing he says. And what's more - your kids will see him doing it too and will think it's the done thing.
I don't see how this can work out.

[ralice]

You are right, pictish.

I imagine it will all end in tears if he lies about something really important - cheating, debt, lying to his bosses... I'd hate for my son to think it's acceptable to lie because he couldn't be bothered to do something or keep his promises.

My husband is such a GOOD liar, that's the thing. He can lie right to my face and I won't always know. I don't know how he comes up with his lies so quickly. Maybe he practises them? I've heard him lie to his mum, to a job centre employee when he lost his job earlier this year, to my parents, to people in shops, to our friends. Most of the time the lies are nothing major - just little lies to save face. Sometimes they are important though; he lied about submitting his job centre application so he didn't get JSA straight away (and we needed it as I was on maternity leave at the time). He lies about cancelling subscriptions so we end up getting charged for things we don't want/need. Last year he lied about cancelling our Virgin subscription and now we have to fork out £46 a month!

Argh!

[Mabelface]

This is the main reason I left my husband. I had no respect left for him.

[Nearlyhadenough]

I've lived with a liar for nearly 24 years.

They have been huge lies right from the start - but he was so good and believable that I didn't realise at the time. There were many 'elaborations' of situations, little white lies and many down right lies (mainly telling me that I had imagined the text messages from OW on his phone etc.), and then the big ones.....culminating in 'I have cancer'.

I knew that his childhood had not been great, I put it down to that - maybe lying was easier that getting told off (telling off would have including physical punishment). But when I spoke to him about it - he denied lying and just made up more lies!

When his lies got me into awkward situations with my boss (he had lied about something to her and of course I knew nothing about it) I knew things had to change. But I wasn't strong enough to leave. His cancer lie was the end. I am on my way out - just getting everything sorted financially. He is even lying about this! To him it's not happening, but it is.

My husband's lies have killed a marriage. I can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I can't trust him in any way. I can't respect him. That is how liars leave you.

Think carefully about how you want the rest of your life to be.

[DoreenLethal]

There are just so many little lies - it's the ones I don't know about that worry me most.

The thing is, he really loves me

What if this is one of those lies? I mean, how do you know anything at all, ever?

[ralice]

Doreen, I'm pretty sure he does love me. No reason to think that's a lie... Except you've got me a bit worried now...

Nearlyhadenough, I can't believe he lied about cancer! That's absolutely shocking. Is he still saying he has cancer?

[smilingeyes11]

lying toJSA and about train subscriptions are certainly not little lies and are costing you money. I wonder why you put up with this.

[madgingermunchkin]

He doesn't love you. If he loved you, he wouldn't be doing this too you. He doesn't respect you enough to be honest with you, and how can you love someone you don't respect?!

[Nearlyhadenough]

Ralice - we have had many conversations about the 'cancer', more lies cover lies. He has told others about it also. I no longer collude with his lies - if someone asks about his illness, I say he is lying and stop there.

Previously I think I allowed him to believe lying was acceptable by allowing him to continue, firstly because I believed him then after I confronted him he covered up with more lies so I just left it - scared of the confrontation.

H has always said he loves me - I don't believe him, how can I? Words are easy to say, but they are never backed up with actions. Your H may be different. I hope so.

[iminshock]

You have not been together long.
I don't believe you are doomed.
But you must confront him about it and explain you do t find it acceptable for you or your family.
I have two good friends who do this.
They are not bad people . I'm not sure they even know they do it.

[adora1]

Stop accepting his crap excuses for what he is doing, if he really cared he'd go seek help, who does this as an adult apart from someone fucked up in the head, sorry but it's that simple.

[Isetan]

You rationalise his lying to protect yourself from the truth, which is he lies for his convenience and not to protect you. He lies because he's immature and to avoid having his lazy/ fraudulent behaviour challenged. He lies because....he's a liar.

This is the man who's going to teach your son right from wrong, this is the man your son will look up to and want to emulate and this is the man whose lies you will have to protect your son from.

His lies will destroy your self respect because that's what happens when you allow someone to repeatedly disrespect you. The question isn't can he change, it's, does he want to.

[Landoni112]

He's not just a liar though is he? He's a right lazy fucker too. Most of the examples you have given are him lying to avoid doing work/chores/anything that requires effort.
Must be like living with a sly teenager. Why would you want to live with him?

[LuluJakey1]

The bottom line of a relationship is trust. How can you trust him? He lies to your face, repeatedly. What sort of foundation is that to build anything strong on. I hate lying, it is so weak and deliberately intends to deceive.

[ralice]

Landoni, you're right. He is a lazy fucker. Our house is a tip because he 'forgets' all the time. I'm poorly (chest and sinus infections) and have been going to bed at 9pm. I can't tidy well at the moment as I have a terrible, constant sinus headache that gets worse when I bend down. He stays up till 11pm playing Xbox, doesn't think to tidy up ANYTHING, then I come down in the morning to a bomb site. In this heat we have flies in the kitchen from the leftovers he didn't put away, it's grim. Not to mention his shit-stains down the toilet and his 'floor-drobe' in the bedroom. 60 more years of THIS?!

[Allaboutthatbase]

Not to worry you more op, but what lies might he be telling about/concerning YOU? "Oh I couldn't do x job/activity because the wife wouldn't let me/is crazy/not reliable with child"..... insert excuse that makes him look good and you, not so much. If he could lie about a child being in hospital, I'm not sure there's many depths he wouldn't sink to, not to intentionally hurt you, just to wriggle his way out of a problem, cos the truth is he just can't be arsed to fulfil whatever job he was supposed to do.

[Isetan]

The more you write about this man, the more I can see why you luuuuurve him.

[ralice]

Allaboutthatbase, I hadn't even considered that. I bet he uses me as an excuse all the bloody time!! Argh!

Isetan, I'm not sure if I do love him. It sounds terrible to 'say' it out loud. But how can I love a man I mother, who lies, who is crap around the house, who doesn't pull his (substantial) weight and who will almost certainly never change?

I think I'm sharing all these things because I need convincing that I deserve more/that I should leave. I'm trying to be objective - if I read a thread like this, what would I think? I'd probably think OP was being taken for a mug!!

[User543212345]

Does he have self esteem issues? You mention he said he lies because his dad used to hit him, so he lies to avoid "being in trouble"? That suggests to me that he doesn't think his reasons for doing/not doing things are valid so he comes up with a bigger reason that will be accepted. I feel a little sorry for him actually.

I had similar problems with DH when we were dating. He would lie about minor things and I'd tell him I knew he was lying - it was a shame thing, he didn't want to admit the truth that someone had been unkind, or he'd fucked up or similar because he worried that I wouldn't love him anymore - he sees love as conditional and I wonder if the physical punishment your DH received as a child makes him think similarly?

Now obviously it's not something you can tolerate, but he can learn not to do it, and that the fallout from being caught out in a lie is worse than the truth. DH had a lot of counselling and worked through his issues and we don't have a problem with him lying anymore. He still struggles with shame but knows that I wouldn't shame him over anything so understands it's internal and we address it when he feels that way.

Would your DH consider some work in counselling, because you can get past this if he chooses to address the behaviour and the reasons behind it.