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Relationships

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Original poster

Childhood friend not being allowed to be called "Uncle"

43 replies

mischadee · 04/08/2016 23:52

My partner won't allow my best friend (since we were 6 years old) to be called uncle.
I've been through everything with my friend hes always been there just as a friend and my partner knows everything that has happened.
Ive classed my friend as my brother since we were 12 years old, but my partner refuses to let us class my friend as my baby's uncle.
I just dont think it's fair seeing as his family who have met my daughter once and have been truly horrible to our family get to have their titles but a man who is there for us as a family now can't have that respect.

OP posts:

Original poster

mischadee · 05/08/2016 01:26

He's literally a child in a man's body at the moment

OP posts:

GiddyOnZackHunt · 05/08/2016 01:42

Ah so he's fixated on a family he doesn't feel a part of and can't bear you including people as family because his own family make him feel an dad on.
He probably needs independent help with that :(

GiddyOnZackHunt · 05/08/2016 01:43

*an add on dyac.

dogornodog · 05/08/2016 01:51

I am with your DP. The man isn't called uncle because he isn't an uncle. For me it is as simple as that. The friend is very close but not actually an uncle.

My kids don't call anyone uncle/aunt apart from their actual uncle/aunts.

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 05/08/2016 02:36

Personally, I find it a bit weird to refer to a non-relation as uncle. However, if it is important to you then don't let it go.

Also, remember that your daughter will decide for herself what to call your friend. My MIL constantly referred to herself as Nana with big my children and in the end, the children now call her Grandma - which she loathes.

PuellaEstCornelia · 05/08/2016 06:47

Why does he get to decide what your dd calls people? As long as it's not daddy Just tell him its what you want so it's happening

UnexpectedBaggage · 05/08/2016 06:54

I'm an aunt who refuses to be called one. I prefer my nephews and nieces to call me by my name. I also sabotaged attempts by my friends to be an "Aunt".

If you want your friend to be called uncle then call him one, your DH will have to suck it up. But call him out on non-uncles and aunts that he calls uncles and aunts. Every.single.time.

He'll give up in the end.

Original poster

mischadee · 05/08/2016 15:01

We're having a bit of a rough time atm he doesn't seem to listen to anything I say it's one rule for him and a different rule for everyone else

OP posts:

Fooshufflewickbannanapants · 05/08/2016 15:13

I'm also oop north and it's absolutely normal to have aunty Gladys etc no relationship required. However I honestly think you habe more to worry about than that. He sounds like a nob.

flowery · 05/08/2016 15:18

"its also easier when people get confused and think my friend is my baby's dad to correct them and say its her uncle"

But that's not 'correcting' people is it? He isn't her uncle.

I get the idea of children using courtesy 'aunt' and 'uncle' titles for parents' friends, (although I think it's perfectly valid for your DP to prefer not to do so), but actively telling third parties that a friend is your dd's uncle when he isn't is a bit strange.

Candlefairy101 · 05/08/2016 15:20

I love it when kids call there mums best friends Antie/uncle!

Not sure why, I think it's because when my kids call my best friend Antie they feel as close to her as I do

AcrossthePond55 · 05/08/2016 16:15

Misch, I probably sound like a broken record, but I can't help but feel that this one issue is probably just a drop in the bucket. It's not realistic to think that a person would be totally reasonable and fair about 99.99% of the issues and decisions involved in family life and totally unreasonable about what your children call an unrelated male friend.

t's not 'typical' in my DH's family to call 'others' Aunt/Uncle and they wouldn't have used it until a partner married into the family or had been cohabiting for some time. It is common in mine, they're either Aunt/Uncle if they're close friends or called Mr/Miss with their first name (Miss Cathy, Mr Steve). I guess it's a Southern (US) thing but it's considered less formal than Mr/Mrs Surname but more respectful that just using an adult's first name. DH at first thought it was 'odd' but he certainly never objected to it.

He's either jealous and resentful of your relationship with this man or this is just an example of his typical controlling behaviour and it just happens to be something that means a lot to you or is the straw that broke the camel's back.

Thing is, it can say what he wants, but he can't stop you from calling your friend Uncle Bob if you want to. What are you worried will happen if you do? My DH and I have disagreed on things and there are times I (and he) have gone our merry way and just done what we wanted regardless. The other person may huff and puff but that's all. We each recognize that the other is a person with full 'rights and privileges entitled to thereof'.

Do you ever get your way in disagreements? Do you find yourself not disagreeing because you don't want to deal with the fallout?

Jessesbitch · 05/08/2016 16:19

All of our friends are aunty or uncle. Normal to me!

Cabrinha · 05/08/2016 16:22

I always think there should be a proper word in English for an aunt who is not actually an aunt. So many people have them!

I disagree with the reasoning you give about correcting people who think he is the father. You say "actually he's my good friend". Simple as that.

He's not an uncle.

Your boyfriend sounds like a total arse though

Original poster

mischadee · 05/08/2016 16:43

I don't know my conclusion at the minute is that my boyfriend is a complete arse but I can't really do anything about it he has a lot of problems and the only person to take it out on is me so my family and friends suffer I guess
I'll have to find a way for my friend to be involved with my daughter without my partner because otherwise it'll just carry on with pointless arguments

OP posts:

bigfriendlygiant · 05/08/2016 16:57

He can't stop you referring to your friend as uncle unless he's with you all the time! I know it goes against his wishes but he's going against yours. Just keep reintegrating that this friend is your brother and therefore baby's uncle... Blood is not thicker than water.

My parents have a group of 4 couples best friends for 50 years. These people have had more involvement in my life than my actual biological aunts/uncles and are referred to by the title they deserve as it's also a mark of respect to them.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/08/2016 22:54

I can't really do anything about it he has a lot of problems and the only person to take it out on is me so my family and friends suffer I guess

This is dead wrong. There is nothing in the world that says that we 'have to' shoulder shit because another person is having problems. And having problems is not justification for being an arse. Quite the opposite, it's when you have problems that you want to be good to those close to you so they'll feel like supporting you.

You can do something about it. You can tell him to get his shit together (with counseling, support groups, or just pulling up his damned socks) or you will leave. No one has the right to treat their partner like shit.

WetPaint4 · 06/08/2016 10:59

When I was little I was encouraged to call my parents' friends Auntie and Uncle as a sign of respect but as an adult it's weird to me now. I only refer to real family that way.

I get that this man is your good friend but he isn't an uncle, your boyfriend isn't actually wrong. The way your friend treats your daughter and the bond they develop is what will make their relationship special and it has nothing to do with what she calls him. Does your boyfriend have a good relationship with your friend?

You do need to set down some rules and let him know that his family is no more important than yours when it comes to partners of aunties and uncles.

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