Left H last week but his reaction has completely blindsided me (long winded - sorry)

[AvaLeStrange]

Been together 20 years and have a 12yo DD.

It's always been a rollercoaster relationship, downs marked by him being moody, sulky & uncommunicative. Over the years this has escalated to aggressive and intimidating behaviour (stonewalling, door slamming, throwing things, vigorous 'tidying up'). He can be controlling, disrespectful, critical, anally retentive, rarely interested in engaging with my friends and family...you get the idea. He's incapable of dealing with/communicating negative feelings and basically takes them out on me.

In the interests of balance, when he's 'normal', which can be for months at a time, he's mostly no more annoying than any other bloke - gainfully employed, remembers special occasions, does his bit re home/childcare, decent in bed.

As the years have gone on though, its been harder and harder to get over the bad patches when he returns to his normal self. The last year has been particularly awful. I can count the good times in weeks (and those in single figures), and when he's snapped out of his moods I've been increasingly unable to forgive and forget. His behaviour has also started to impact our DD who is now getting support with anxiety from school and the local youth support service.

So last week, DD and I left. I fully expected him to go 70 shades of apeshit, threaten all sorts and change the locks. Instead he is devastated. He's staying with his parents as can't cope with being in the house alone, has been in touch with the Samaritans, made an appt with GP to ask about some kind of individual counselling/therapy and made a huge list of all the things he wants to change/improve.

We have seen him 3 times since moving out (DD doesn't want to see him alone yet) and whilst I believe he is genuine at least on a superficial level, I'm not convinced his reasons are sound (suspect he is worried about the material side of things and his reputation as much as losing me, not so much DD tbf).

He is also pushing for us to spend time together as a family, and already talking about us going on dates to try and work things out. I'm going along with the former so he and DD can see each other, but dates?!!

I have told him I am open to seeing how things pan out but it will be a long haul and I cannot promise my feelings for him will return, or that I will ever be able to trust him enough to resurrect our marriage. I've made it clear that he will have to get through individual therapy before I'll consider any kind of couples work, if at that point I feel it would be appropriate/beneficial.

I just don't really know where to go from here. I have my doubts that things can be worked out, but there is no reason for me not to wait and see if he can change. I do need to put some boundaries in place in the meantime though for mine and DDs sake. I felt fine for the 3 days post move but have started having panic attacks since seeing him and feel absolutely exhausted afterwards. He tries to be affectionate and is upset and ermotional not just with me but with DD.

Mostly just letting off steam here really, but if anyone has anynwords of wisdom they'd be much appreciated.

[Lweji]

I agree that you should most and foremost protect your child.
She's 12, so you can't simply tell her what to do in relation to him, but, for what it's worth, I've been keeping a close eye on contact between exH and DS and cut anything remotely looking like emotional blackmail on him or too much pressure.

You are the one who can tell her what will happen, in the sense of what you will do. He can't say what will happen if you don't let him control you.

I've been through the rollercoaster of trying to ease into separation, but it does work best to make it definitive and with no chance of going back. Better for you and your daughter.

[MaisieDotes]

I may be wrong but I sense that you are not there yet.

You will hope for the best and go back.

It will be the same thing again, it will. Only it will be worse because where do you go from there when it all turns to shit? Leave again? Go back again?

You've left now. Stay gone.

[Lilacpink40]

He says one thing and does another. So basically he says what he knows you want to hear, while doing what he wants to do. Very controlling.

[Doinmummy]

You've done the hard bit - you've left . Don't make yourself go through it again ( because sure as eggs is eggs , you will go through it again )

[April229]

If you don't mind me saying, if you said that DD is doing incredibly well now you have left dh, I think that is where you should stay.

12 is a really critical age where all manner of issues can flourish if a child is in the wrong environment so maybe commit your time and resources to settling her into a stable situation where she can get fully on track and then think about what to do. Until she is fully stable there should be no question of risking exacerbating her problems.

Is there anything you feel you are missing now you have left, or is it just you feel guilty for upsetting him? Because tbf if you return you might feel even more guilty of the decline in your DDs well being.

[LuluJakey1]

I think his default position in terms of how he behaves is likely to not be changed by any counselling he starts or completes. 40+ years of getting to be who he now is are unlikely to change for the better.

Stay strong and don't let him control anything. Detach emotionally from him.

[MyNightWithMaud]

Hello, Ava.

Some of the comments here are expressed in harsh terms, but I agree that going back to the old status quo can't be an option.

[AvaLeStrange]

Hi Maud...yes, you are probably all right.

I did not make this decision lightly or hastily at all. I did it with no expectation of the marriage being fixed and in the belief that it was the right thing for DD and I.

I had detached until I started having to see him in order to facilitate DDs relationship with him (she still loves him and wants to see him, but with my support atm).

Clearly I need to address this asap.

[AvaLeStrange]

April

Is there anything you feel you are missing now you have left, or is it just you feel guilty for upsetting him? Because tbf if you return you might feel even more guilty of the decline in your DDs well being.

No, I don't feel I'm missing anything really, and your point about guilt is excellent and one I will keep reminding myself of.

[Lweji]

You really don't have to talk to him.
You can supervise it (or find someone else to do it), but insist he doesn't speak to you at all.
Or he sorts out another form of contact.

[Hissy]

Please don't go back, or don't let him back in your lives.

Please minimise contact between this manipulative and abusive man and your now mentally fragile dd.

He did that to her. You can see ow she is stronger without his poisonous presence in your lives.

Do everything you can to keep it that way.

[Hissy]

My son was 5 when his abusove dad left.

Ds blossomed before my very eyes - within DAYS. Never underestimate the harm these people do to our DC

[SystemAticcally]

bold"decent in bed"

I loved that statement. Is it even worse than "boring"?

[MsKite]

The best thing to do is stay angry about his behaviour and remember why you left in the first place.
Also be angry because he couldn't be arsed to get counselling and think about what his behaviour was doing to you and your daughter before you left.
And put your daughter first. She's going to be affected for the rest of her life because of his behaviour. It's time to make sure the damage is minimised. Please don't move back in with him however many crocodile tears he cries now to try and get his own way.
Stay angry

[Iwouldratherbemuckingout]

I just wanted to say I've been here - exactly the behaviour you describe in your relationship and the reaction when I left, including trying to make me responsible for helping him with his emotions.

I had the same reaction as you - surprise and guilt tripped into trying. It was all about him and his emotions though, and after 12 months I ended it. Wish I had not let him guilt me into trying, those 12 months were incredibly damaging, exhausting and futile.

[OliviaBenson]

You have done the right thing leaving him.

I just wanted to pick up on a couple of comments you have made about your DD knowing you were going to be leaving and what was happening, as well as your H saying to her that you'll be living together by the end of the hols.

I may be wrong but it sounds as though she is right in the middle of you both. That is a lot of pressure on young shoulders. I don't think you should be discussing aspects of your relationship with her to that level- it's between you and your husband. Obviously you can't control what he says to get, but I'm worried that she may start feeling responsible for you both.

I've been that child and it's awful.

[froubylou]

Stay gone. Your dd is your priority not some man child who promises the moon and delivers a packet of milky way stars.

She is 12. You are talking about months. Why not make it years? Wait until she is 18 and then decide if you still love this man and want to be married. Wait until she is old enough to decide if she wants to live with this man.

He sounds vile.

[Wallywobbles]

See if you can arrange contact in a contact Centre for your daughter. It worked really well for my kids. But after 3 months they said enough and stopped contact. It gave them the strength to do that.

[lucyjordon]

Just wanted to second what everyone else has said. I could have written your OP. He's manipulating you and damaging your DD, because he doesn't care about the welfare of either of you. Mine was lovely for the 6 months I dithered. But when he realised I really wasn't going back the gloves came off. And 3 years later he is exactly the same as he was before I left. If they only say they are going to change when you leave, then they are not actually interested in changing because they have realised their behaviour is wrong. Suggest you read Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft

[NickyEds]

I agree with Olivia about your dd, knowing what's been planned and having to keep it from her dad , on top of everything else must have been unbelievably stressful. From the sound of your posts I think you will go back, you say that it will be months before you will consider it, but you will consider it. I don't think you're bring fair in yourself or your dd having the idea of couples counselling (presumably with a view to reconciliation)even on the table. Can you really ever go back to this man? If not then why keep the door ajar?

[PonchosLament]

My exh was emotionally and financially abusive and I kicked him out after an affair.

He apoligised gor being a crap husband, cried, was suicidal, felt enormous guilt, sought emergency mental health treatment/therapy from nhs...,

He's back to being a dick niw. He was worried what people would think of him, incensed I'd taken control of the situation...

In fact, he frequently suggests that I was the controlling one in our relationship except that his behaviour fits the criteria for EA, mine was just standing up for myself and wanting normal things like a household budget and to pack for a holiday the day before rather than the morning of...

[Mrscaindingle]

I think that once your stbxh thinks that you are set on this split you will see the old him return. I also agree that your daughter is at a critical stage in her development and for her to recover from her anxiety she needs to feel safe and secure. Going back to the way things were will not provide that for her. You cannot not waste any more of the few precious years of her childhood putting this man before what is best for her.

Any time you feel yourself wavering you need to re read this thread, good luck it sounds like an awful situation.

[aLeafFalls]

I've been where you are, but without the support of my parents and MN. I couldn't see what was happening, but you can.

You need to protect your daughter, put her first. If you don't, you will regret it. I regret the wasted years of my own life and the damage that it did to me living with an abuser - your husband sounds like a classic abuser.
But my biggest regret, which I'll carry to my grave, is the damage done to my children. They are recovering, to some extent, but they'll always be affected by growing up with a man who sounds a lot like your husband.

You have supportive parents, an understanding GP and MN. Grab the chance you have to build a new life for the two of you.

[Mrscaindingle]

Few precious years of what's left of her childhood

[FolderReformedScruncher]

OP you really need to find your anger. How you can communicate with this man let alone consider having him back is a mystery to most of us on here. Stop pussyfooting around him scared of his moods etc. Push on with the divorce. Get angry. Get it sorted for your DD if for no one else.