Can someone give me the honest truth about what makes a man choose you?

[theoldfourtwenty]

Hi

Can anyone give me the honest truth about what you think makes a man choose a certain woman? why their husband chose them?

I think I have a bit of a worry that it is all looks / body orientated at the outset and do you think that is true?

I am seeing someone new, and as a size 16 I really like him and feel truly paranoid that my body is not good enough / not what men want - but he seems to not notice. Seems to think am perfect.

Am I being unkind here or are men just not as shallow as I think?

Not sure why I see them as shallow, but definitely grew up in a house where women's looks were the most important thing about her and I am not sure if that is just realistic or really distorted.

I look all the time at men in magazines, and they are all married to model types. You don't seem to see many male movie stars paired up with a slightly chubby housewife who might be kind and very funny.

Can anyone give me the real truth on this...are there genuinely men in the world who would love you for your personality over anything else?

This man I am seeing could have his pick of anyone and I feel a bit confused over why that choice seems to be me.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

In all of the successful relationships I've known, the woman has chosen the man.

[SandyY2K]

Every man has the things he looks for in a woman and it's not just about looks or weight.

Just as women aren't focused on good looking men. There's so much more than looks and a kind person inside is so much more important.

You seem a little lacking in confidence, but you should know your well worth any man being with you. Don't put him on a pedastal and start realising you're obviously very nice and compatible with him or he wouldn't be with you.

BTW A size 16 is within average for UK women.

[WibblyWobblyJellyHead]

When I met DH I was young and gorgeous, a size ten with great skin and hair.

Ten years down the line I'm fat and washed out, with complex mental illnesses. He still loves and fancies me. He is gorgeous, tall and slim and handsome, he has a great sense of humour, an interesting and well paid job and lots of fun hobbies. He's an amazing guy. But he still tells me every day that he's lucky to have me, and that I'm out of his league (bit of an in joke but he means it).

It wasn't my looks or my figure that he fell in love with, you see.

[MewlingQuim]

Reading beauty/celebrity magazines is a great way to make yourself feel inadequate. Seriously, you should give it up.

People get together for a variety of reasons. DH and I met through a common interest and were friends for over a year before we got together. He was physically "not my type" but a great personality. The more I knew him the more attractive he became, we are still together 18 years later, and I find him well sexy

[Thefitfatty]

I know a guy who chose his wife because of the way she looked. She was a professional squash player and in his words had "body that would keep." He'd previously dumped lots of great girls because he didn't think they'd keep their bodies after childbirth.

Well, that marriage lasted less than 2 years and now he's with some crossfit guru. I doubt that will last much past whenever she decides she wants kids, or hits 30, or what have you.

Believe me though, this is not the type of guy any self respecting woman would want to be with.

[Confusednotcom]

Aaaah some nice stories here! Yes not all men are shallow - don't waste time wondering why he likes you, enjoy being with someone you adore and who feels the same way! If you feel doubts, tell them to shove off. A bit of self administered CBT could help! I am beautiful and a good person and partner and I are lucky to have each other

[DrMorbius]

In all of the successful relationships I've known, the woman has chosen the man Sadly I think this is true including in my case

I once read that generally men grade themselves and then look for a woman who is equal or within 1 grade of themselves. So if a man grades himself a 6, he will look for a woman he grades a 5-6-7. Apparently women don’t do this.

Bad news - I do believe men largely go for looks in the first instance.
Good news – What a man finds attractive is not prescriptive, its tall/small/fat/thin etc etc, Nature has made allowances for all.

That said although I do fundamentally believe the first pass is looks. Quite quickly the looks become secondary, once the relationship starts.

[PeaceOfWildThings]

I asked DH this about us recently. He said that he really fell for me when I gave a Bible study for our 20-30s group, and it was not your typical one. Neiether of us could remember what it was on (I think it might have bern something to do with love). I remember making copious notes and taking time over preparing it, adding in jokes and ice breakers to get people to think differently. He says he liked how my mind worked, that it was different, and he had never come across anyone who thought like me. He wanted to be friends, get to know me.
Then, a few days later, he saw me ahead of him in the queue at the bank. That was when he first noticed me physically, and when he wanted to go out with me.

But then, we are both a bit odd!

[theoldfourtwenty]

Thank you for the lovely, warming stories.

I am not sure what's wrong with me.

I met him and didn't fancy him at all. Admittedly he's not conventionally good looking but within 5 seconds of chatting me up he had me completely laughing and wanting to talk to him more. Since i got to know him, and realised how incredible he is I am just baffled about why anyone this incredible would choose me.

He says he thought I was cute the first time he saw me, then he said he talked to me and was smitten, said he saw me do something very stupid and thought it was funny and knew right then that I was special.

It all sounds so nice, but I keep crying because it feels too good to be true and I keep expecting him to realise.

I have to get a grip before I ruin the relationship by pushing him away.

[theoldfourtwenty]

what scares me is that he seems to think that I am too good for him, that he looks shabby in comparison, that I am nicer than he is.

I just keep bursting into tears, it's all so silly.

I was in the car with Mum yesterday and she was telling me to join slimmers world or whatever. I just feel so unattractive.

[mummyto2monkeys]

I think chemistry is the most important thing, my husband and I had great chemistry right from the start. He did love my figure which was pretty great at the star, but loves it just as much now several sizes bigger after two babies and a chronic illness. Most men love curves, think of the beautiful south song 'She's a perfect ten'. I think my husband is gorgeous, I had previously been attracted to typically tall dark and handsome, gorgeous, muscly, love themselves types of blokes. My hubby is not like that at all, he is only 5"8 to my 5"10, but he is more attractive than any of the love themselves types to me.

I think if the chemistry is there, looks are only part of the attraction.

[CamilleClaudel]

I think you're looking at this all wrong, it's not just up to a man to choose a woman, as if they're in charge of the relationship and women are just passively sitting about waiting to be picked!

You need to decide who you want, as much as vice versa

This, exactly. Also, women need to get past the automatic self-deprecation - having to big someone up and justify why you like or fancy them all the time is eventually exhausting. Poor self-esteem isn't all cute and kooky like Hugh Grant stammering and wide-eyed and 'Why did Julia Robert falls for little old me?' - if you can't see any reason at all why you're interesting and fanciable and worthy of a relationship, then sometimes the other person starts to wonder too.

[theoldfourtwenty]

Genuinely, this particular man could lose his job, all his hair and gain 50lbs and he'd still be about the only person on earth I could imagine loving. I am not sure why I find it so hard to believe he feels the same!

[lljkk]

Opportunity & availability is main thing, from most men's POV. The bird in hand is worth 6 in the bush, too.

[MariposaUno]

I think you need to find a way to believe you are attractive from your own perspective before you will accept anyone else's opinion.

Why should you be perfect in your mind but your dp can have all the flaws and still be lovely?

No one would think they are an 100% adonis but will take care of their appearance that makes them feel happier, as little as going for daily shower and hair can do this and actively exercising/soul searching or wearing makeup or nice clothes too.
There is someone for everyone and looks are really only skin deep.

I don't think I am gorgeous I have squint teeth and a double chin if I don't hold my head up/relax but I take care of my general appearance which make me feel better, I'm slim now but stretch marked from boob to calf, but I recognise I have nice eyes and an apparent nice smile(so I've been told) and that's plenty for me and any partner who can see passed these and my flaws is the best to have.

[MisguidedAngel]

You've had good advice from pp's. I just want to say that my OH likes skinny women but my son-in-law told my (chubby) daughter that he hates hugging me because I'm so boney. Horses for courses. Believe him.

[Summerlovinf]

I can't help interpreting your feeling that this man is so far out of your league is a bad sign. Of being with your partner does not contribute to you feeling good, rather than worse about yourself then I would think something is wrong. Ask yourself why is your self esteem so low?

[LineyReborn]

OP, have you got some kind of gut feeling going on that this isn't quite all real? Almost like, you've been charmed and swept up?

Also, does your mum often talk to you about losing weight? Mine did, even when I was proper slim, and she didn't do a massive amount for my self-esteem to be honest.

[absolutelynotfabulous]

I'm wondering whether your apparent lack of self-esteem is coming from your relationship with your mother. It sounds to me as though, in making a woman's worth all about appearance and nothing else, she has created the feeling in you that you have to aspire to be "perfect" to stand a chance of bagging a man. This message seems to have taken root in your subconsciousness. My mother was exactly the same-sometimes quite complimentary but often cruel and thoughtless. Not sure she meant to make me feel like a pile of crap, but she certainly succeeded.

If that's the case, you need to find ways of dealing with her criticism of you.

[theoldfourtwenty]

No nothing about him seems off or superficial at all.

Mum isn't mean, but she's very skinny and this is hugely important for her and since I can remember I was chubby and she was gorgeous. Not just her but Dad also have made it very clear they think fat is disgusting and me being even a slightly curvy size 12 would be far too fat for Dad's tastes as he thinks the Kylie Monogue type of woman is all that is attractive and that has been drummed into me since I could remember.

[Piemernator]

I know full well DH was attracted to me due to my looks in the first instance as he told me sometime after we started dating. I am an extremely confident woman when it comes to men and was and still am of the mindset that they should be glad I give them my time of day. I love having men as friends but they irritate me as lovers. DH was also attracted to my intelligence levels apparently, he walked in to the academic library I was running at the time as visiting a friend on campus.

My Mother who was a professional dancer and model also valued looks above everything. She has five daughters and I am the only one who has succeeded academically because she is very much of the marry well and be kept mindset. It didn't work out for 3 of my sisters at all.

My Mother remained a size 8 even after having 6 children, she has been likened to Honor Blackman looks wise.

[Piemernator]

Do not push this man away, I know the pressure to look good from a parent.

[LellyMcKelly]

We are very hard on ourselves. I'm a size 16 too. I see a huge tummy when I look in the mirror. My OH sees a big rack, a firm butt, and shapely legs - all the things that drive him wild 😊 Confidence, kindness, and having a good sense of humour are qualities we desire in men most of all, and I suspect for many men the same is true. You might not be a supermodel, but then, he might not be either. It doesn't matter as long as you fancy each other, and that's hard to describe. It could be a twinkle in his eye, his accent...anything. For me? I fell for him when I saw he had hands like shovels. They still make me weak at the knees!

[LellyMcKelly]

Oh God, the big shovelly hands are MAGNIFICENT.