Can someone give me the honest truth about what makes a man choose you?

[theoldfourtwenty]

Hi

Can anyone give me the honest truth about what you think makes a man choose a certain woman? why their husband chose them?

I think I have a bit of a worry that it is all looks / body orientated at the outset and do you think that is true?

I am seeing someone new, and as a size 16 I really like him and feel truly paranoid that my body is not good enough / not what men want - but he seems to not notice. Seems to think am perfect.

Am I being unkind here or are men just not as shallow as I think?

Not sure why I see them as shallow, but definitely grew up in a house where women's looks were the most important thing about her and I am not sure if that is just realistic or really distorted.

I look all the time at men in magazines, and they are all married to model types. You don't seem to see many male movie stars paired up with a slightly chubby housewife who might be kind and very funny.

Can anyone give me the real truth on this...are there genuinely men in the world who would love you for your personality over anything else?

This man I am seeing could have his pick of anyone and I feel a bit confused over why that choice seems to be me.

[April229]

I think you have been taught only one type of woman is attractive and you are struggling to believe that it's not true. Many men love curves, why can't you believe your man is one of them.

Marilyn Munroe was size 16 and it's hard to think of a more desirable woman. It's how you carry it.

Dress in a way that makes your shape look great, whatever it is, and be more confident.

[Gabilan]

You can be skinny and have a shape, it isn't either/or.

Anyway, OP, looks are often important but men and women are attracted to many different body shapes. It does sound as if your parents have convinced you that only one female body type is acceptable - this simply isn't true.

[Oddsocksgalore]

My boyfriend told me it was my face that caught his attention the first time he say me and he noticed my boobs.

Recently we had a little bad patch and he told me I was the best girlfriend that he's ever had and that he loves many things about me. Said I'm intelligent, hard working and he likes how I treat other people. He didn't mention a single physical thing about me.

He doesn't like skinny women as he thinks a woman should have a shape.

Sometimes I tell him not to touch my fat bits and he says what fat bits, it's just you.

There are so many men that like curves op so don't worry about it.

[fatcathatmat]

OP, trust me, lots of women are a size 10 and feel exactly the same way about themselves as you do. You sound absolutely fantastic. You also sound head over heels in love- that feeling of 'how could this perfect person like ME?' Is a dead giveaway.

The best advice I can give is: if a really wonderful perfect person chose you, that's really good evidence that you are something really special, and he's just recognising how great you are. Don't let your whole self esteem rest on him, but try and remind yourself that he chose you because you're great, not because he's made any kind of mistake!

[IreallyKNOWiamright]

Why is there so much bitterness towards 'us' skinny ones. Have you ever thought we might want to be a bit bigger?? I have noticed this all over social media and I think people do need to accept themselves for who they are.

[GissASquizz]

It's not looks, it's chemistry. It's the curve of a smile or the glint in an eye. Chemicals and biology.

[goddessoftheharvest]

Honestly? My DH and I connected on many levels- intellectually, culturally blah de blah

But looks wise, I'm not sure he's got over my tits yet I expect he'll notice the stretchmarks and big nose around 2020....

[TinySalmon]

Oh dear OP please don't think like this!

I've definitely sabotaged relationships in the past with other men because I thought they were out of my league (uber wealthy or very good looking) and thought women would just look at me like "why did he pick YOU?!"

So my only advice is if he is happy and you are happy, please don't find excuses ( like your weight or appearance) to leave him. I've done this too often and it's always me left feeling hurt x

[Confusednotcom]

OP it sounds like your parents have really affected your perception of what's important to a partner. If you feel your DP is getting exasperated by you not feeling good (slim) enough, then I'd consider counselling or minimum looking for books that might help you up your self esteem and change your family taught negative thought patterns.

[itmustbemyage]

My DH went out with someone who had won a major beauty competition before we met. I was a size sixteen single mum when we met, looks are definitely not everything. He said he feel in love with my confidence and the way I laughed. We have been together 25 years.

[sykadelic]

I'm a shoulder girl myself :P

My DH is so broad. It sounds weird to say he's hot from behind but when I see him from behind with his shirt pulled tight across his strong broad shoulders... damn... sexy as hell. Of course he's also really funny, very protective, very masculine (I'm no fine boned female so it's important that "my man" is bigger and stronger than me), loves me and finds me sexy (odd man :P).

Of course I occasionally tell him he's lucky to have me, and vice versa, but we both know we're lucky and we don't take each other for granted (VERY important). We totally get what we're lucky enough to have in the other.

[LineyReborn]

OP, if you're happy with your DP then just go for it. Your parents sound really hard work and quite damaging actually.

[LellyMcKelly]

Oh God, the big shovelly hands are MAGNIFICENT.

[LellyMcKelly]

We are very hard on ourselves. I'm a size 16 too. I see a huge tummy when I look in the mirror. My OH sees a big rack, a firm butt, and shapely legs - all the things that drive him wild 😊 Confidence, kindness, and having a good sense of humour are qualities we desire in men most of all, and I suspect for many men the same is true. You might not be a supermodel, but then, he might not be either. It doesn't matter as long as you fancy each other, and that's hard to describe. It could be a twinkle in his eye, his accent...anything. For me? I fell for him when I saw he had hands like shovels. They still make me weak at the knees!

[Piemernator]

Do not push this man away, I know the pressure to look good from a parent.

[Piemernator]

I know full well DH was attracted to me due to my looks in the first instance as he told me sometime after we started dating. I am an extremely confident woman when it comes to men and was and still am of the mindset that they should be glad I give them my time of day. I love having men as friends but they irritate me as lovers. DH was also attracted to my intelligence levels apparently, he walked in to the academic library I was running at the time as visiting a friend on campus.

My Mother who was a professional dancer and model also valued looks above everything. She has five daughters and I am the only one who has succeeded academically because she is very much of the marry well and be kept mindset. It didn't work out for 3 of my sisters at all.

My Mother remained a size 8 even after having 6 children, she has been likened to Honor Blackman looks wise.

[theoldfourtwenty]

No nothing about him seems off or superficial at all.

Mum isn't mean, but she's very skinny and this is hugely important for her and since I can remember I was chubby and she was gorgeous. Not just her but Dad also have made it very clear they think fat is disgusting and me being even a slightly curvy size 12 would be far too fat for Dad's tastes as he thinks the Kylie Monogue type of woman is all that is attractive and that has been drummed into me since I could remember.

[absolutelynotfabulous]

I'm wondering whether your apparent lack of self-esteem is coming from your relationship with your mother. It sounds to me as though, in making a woman's worth all about appearance and nothing else, she has created the feeling in you that you have to aspire to be "perfect" to stand a chance of bagging a man. This message seems to have taken root in your subconsciousness. My mother was exactly the same-sometimes quite complimentary but often cruel and thoughtless. Not sure she meant to make me feel like a pile of crap, but she certainly succeeded.

If that's the case, you need to find ways of dealing with her criticism of you.

[LineyReborn]

OP, have you got some kind of gut feeling going on that this isn't quite all real? Almost like, you've been charmed and swept up?

Also, does your mum often talk to you about losing weight? Mine did, even when I was proper slim, and she didn't do a massive amount for my self-esteem to be honest.

[Summerlovinf]

I can't help interpreting your feeling that this man is so far out of your league is a bad sign. Of being with your partner does not contribute to you feeling good, rather than worse about yourself then I would think something is wrong. Ask yourself why is your self esteem so low?

[MisguidedAngel]

You've had good advice from pp's. I just want to say that my OH likes skinny women but my son-in-law told my (chubby) daughter that he hates hugging me because I'm so boney. Horses for courses. Believe him.

[MariposaUno]

I think you need to find a way to believe you are attractive from your own perspective before you will accept anyone else's opinion.

Why should you be perfect in your mind but your dp can have all the flaws and still be lovely?

No one would think they are an 100% adonis but will take care of their appearance that makes them feel happier, as little as going for daily shower and hair can do this and actively exercising/soul searching or wearing makeup or nice clothes too.
There is someone for everyone and looks are really only skin deep.

I don't think I am gorgeous I have squint teeth and a double chin if I don't hold my head up/relax but I take care of my general appearance which make me feel better, I'm slim now but stretch marked from boob to calf, but I recognise I have nice eyes and an apparent nice smile(so I've been told) and that's plenty for me and any partner who can see passed these and my flaws is the best to have.

[lljkk]

Opportunity & availability is main thing, from most men's POV. The bird in hand is worth 6 in the bush, too.

[theoldfourtwenty]

Genuinely, this particular man could lose his job, all his hair and gain 50lbs and he'd still be about the only person on earth I could imagine loving. I am not sure why I find it so hard to believe he feels the same!

[CamilleClaudel]

I think you're looking at this all wrong, it's not just up to a man to choose a woman, as if they're in charge of the relationship and women are just passively sitting about waiting to be picked!

You need to decide who you want, as much as vice versa

This, exactly. Also, women need to get past the automatic self-deprecation - having to big someone up and justify why you like or fancy them all the time is eventually exhausting. Poor self-esteem isn't all cute and kooky like Hugh Grant stammering and wide-eyed and 'Why did Julia Robert falls for little old me?' - if you can't see any reason at all why you're interesting and fanciable and worthy of a relationship, then sometimes the other person starts to wonder too.