My husband wants to separate

[Attheendofmytether1]

Hi this is my first post (and may be long)

I have been with my husband for 23 years and married 13. We have four DC ranging from 11 to 5.
When our last DC was born he confessed to having an affair and wanted to leave.
He left and I was devastated. I was 3 weeks post c section and my head was all over the place. I took an overdose and ended up in hospital. My parents live in Canada and my mum had to fly home. It took time but eventually I became stronger and made friends which I never have before and got a life.
He then decided to come home. I welcomed him with open arms. I was left with ptsd and have had a lot of counselling and meds for anxiety and depression.
Things have been good and bad and I've found it hard to trust and my self esteem is low. I feel that I'm not good enough.
We've had several blips and he has been caught texting a female twice (says there were rumours but nothing behind them).
The last straw was when the diamond fell out of my engagement ring. I jokingly said I thought this was a bad omen and was worried and he blew up said I was torturing him and he was leaving.
He stormed off and came back in the early hours he never goes out apart from to work .
We limped on till yesterday when he took time off work and was here when I came home and said he wanted a separation. stupidly I begged and pleaded with him to stay and he's refusing.
He also won't leave. He wants to stay here short term an sort out finances. He also does not want to tell our DC until he feels ready. Seeing him is killing me inside.
Please help (sorry for the saga)

[Attheendofmytether1]

No my life is here. My eldest is about to start a prestigious Grammar school and my other DCs' life is here.
In hindsight we do a lot as a family without him and will continue to do so. He will come with us at weekends but can get rather grumpy and honestly would prefer to be watching football or playing Xbox.
He has told us to get off the wifi in the past as we were slowing down his game!!!
Last time this happened and I overdosed, my overriding memory is being asked for my next of kin in hospital and it was left blank as I didn't have one. I promised myself I would NEVER be in that position again with no one to call on.

[SandyY2K]

I hope you can still go to New York.

he cheated at such a vulnerable time and he expects you to have full trust in him. well that reeks of no remorse to me.

I know two people who had controlling DHs, but when their strong female friends intervened, they both decide to get divorced, as they saw the abuse for what it was.

You stick with that friend come what may. I like the sound of her.

[Attheendofmytether1]

Oh I will get to New York. It always was going to be my 3 good friends and I anyway and plans are already starting to take shape.
I won't need to be lonely that's for sure. Him on the other hand.......

[FructoseTart]

I feel for you OP.
You need to definitely hold ground here. He is in the wrong, you ARE a strong woman and can taken on 4 DC by yourself! (It's not as gruelling as it sounds)
The house will more than likely be a much happier house without him there which will have a positive effect on you and the children

[Attheendofmytether1]

I had an ok nights sleep. The mornings are worst, waking up to the reality of what's happening.
I feel sick to my stomach. I'm trying to drink as last time I got so dehydrated I blacked out twice but food I can't face.
I cook for the DC but have no desire to eat.
My mum is in contact from Canada constantly and is pushing me to eat by saying I'll make myself unwell. It's very hard for her to understand that I just don't care.
This time around I'm functioning on a basic level much better. I can look after the DC and provide all their need. Last time I was a body in the room letting others make dinner, entertain the DC etc. This morning I just feel dead inside. I think I need to re-read my friends' messages again to boost my bravado and get me ready to face the day.
Sorry for the depressing post. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster.

[Attheendofmytether1]

Hesterton I really hope so. I feel better and more knowledgable this time around.
I know better tan to lean on his family for support and for them to see him in anything other than glowing terms.
It's the end of the school year here in N.I. and our DD1 is leaving primary school so I have leavers services, proms, new school visits etc to get through in the next two weeks, where he wants to present as intact family front.
I need space. That's what is holding me back. Seeing him here if he's not at work but him asking me not to interact with him. To me it seems like mental torture.

[Attheendofmytether1]

I'm writing here to stop myself texting him. I'm exhausted. My DC are at school and the day seems so long and lonely ahead.
My mum will be phoning soon and trying to convince me that he is unwell and if I just hold my nerve he will come around and want to be with me.
As well meaning as this is, I don't think this is what I need. It feels like it's holding me back. She thinks I shouldn't have told my friends incase he changes his mind.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Keep your sugar levels up!
Ice lollies and sugary tea got me through.
Try things you don't have to chew.
Soup maybe or a smoothy.
But definitely ice lollies!
They hydrate and give you sugar too.

Sorry this happening but it sounds like you will be far better off without this man sucking the life out of you!

You have friends this time to help you through so lean on them.
They will want to help you.

You are doing great.
Just look after yourself!!

[pallasathena]

He holds all the power here doesn't he? When you decide that in reality, its YOU with all the power and his is just a mirage, you'll walk away from his mental torture - because that's what it is o/p. He's mentally, emotionally abusive and appears to get a kick from it.
Maybe he's also mentally unstable, either way, it isn't your problem. He's checked out and its high time you did the same. When you do, you'll get back your self respect, your self confidence and your personal power and I promise you, it will be awesome!
I find it interesting that he's upped the anti just after you got a promotion. I had one like that. He seethed and simmered with barely suppressed resentment when I got ahead career wise. I ditched the twat and never looked back. I so hope you do the same. You are worth so much more you know. And remember, the way he's treating you is modelling / normalising future relationships for your children.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

You don't have to talk to your mum. It is not her decision. She doesn't have a say in it.

I find it astonishing that she would pressure you to stay with a man whose infidelity and abuse drove you to a suicide attempt.

If she is not going to support you leaving. Bad marriage then perhaps it is best to avoid talking to her about the marriage.

[SilvaCaledonia]

Another one here who knows how you feel.💐

The sugary tea recommendation was a godsend for me, I never take sugar and don't even much like tea, but it was strangely comforting.

I know it's hard to eat when it's like dust in your mouth, but I did find that when I hadn't eaten at all everything seemed even worse (if that seems possible!)

I also drank chocolate milk (weird, I know) and took a multi vitamin, didn't want to risk getting really ill because of dcs.

I would ring a solicitor this morning. Also look at the surviving infidelity site, and in particular the 180 thing: not to try to win him back but to show the fucker that you will be perfectly fine without him.

I found that taking control and listing finances, and plans for the future really helped. Also make a will, I was worried that if I died the cunt would get everything, then marry ow and then if he died she'd get all the dcs inheritance. All sounds shitty, but making sure you and the dcs will be ok is what you need to do, he's treated you very badly.

[Attheendofmytether1]

Yes he holds all the power at the minute.
He definitely seems to try to get a rise out of me.
He doesn't want me to tell the 4 DC that he doesn't love me because he says that not true but doesn't love me enough because he keeps messing up.
It's just messing with my head.
He told me on Saturday night that I was a nasty person who no one really likes and that I spent my time feeling jealous of other people on Facebook. (He may have a point there as stupidly I do feel hurt by lovely dovey couples on Fakebook).
He says I'm a bitter person.
I do have low self esteem but I feel that's really to do with what happened to me.
I have constant headaches at the minute so it's hard to think straight.

[Iamdobby63]

Please, please take care of yourself, he is so not worth it, all that matters are you and your children. Carry on forward and one day you won't ever have to feel like this again.

Btw, when there has been infidelity it is up to the cheater to do everything in their power to build trust again, not just expect their partners 'to get over it' - whilst texting another!

[Iamdobby63]

X post. Do not take on board any of his nastiness - all he is doing is trying to put you down so you become this insecure mess who is grateful for any crumb that falls your way. He is controlling you, or trying to anyway. The problem is his not yours.

I really don't like him.. He is not a nice person.

[Attheendofmytether1]

Thank you all. I AM going to force myself to have a cup of tea now. I am going to spend the day sorting out our home.
I changed my bedding yesterday to a set that we would never used so it wouldn't have his smell on it, which seemed to help me sleep a bit better.
He says he has been miserable for most of the last I've years but only two weeks ago he insisted on going out to buy new garden furniture and we had a lovely weekend.
It feels like deja vu and really seems to fit the 're-writing history' idea.
I have spoken to my mum and asked her not to minimise what has happened and as far as I'm concerned he has made his choice and I need to plan my life accordingly. I need to learn to take control for my own heart.
I know I'm making myself unwell. My health has been terrible over the last five years physically and mentally and it's been put down mostly to stress.

[AgathaF]

Have you considered talking to your GP to see if s/he would recommend any type of support for you? Your constant headache is probably due to stress/anxiety (which won't be helped by him dragging this thing out and not leaving properly). Your GP may be able to give you some mild medication to help with that, and to help you sleep, or arrange some counselling.

He doesn't actually hold all the power, although I can see why it appears that way. He doesn't get to dictate when or how your children are told. They are going to suspect something is wrong, so if you feel that it would be better to tell them now, and on your own or with famiy or a friend for support, then do it. Once they know, he is going to feel increasingly awkward staying in your family home. You will feel less inclined to act normally around him in front of the children too, which will no doubt be draining.

Ignore his stupid comments about you, in fact stop engaging with him at all.

Try to eat something -soup, ice lollies, pick at a few bits when you prepare the DC meals. You need to keep well, for your sake and for your DC sake.

You need to book an appointment with a solicitor to find out your options. Be proactive, don't wait for him to take charge. Protect yourself and your children.

[Attheendofmytether1]

Thank you. I have kept my GP up to date with everything (much to his disgust. Said if I told my GP I was low they would contact SS and have our kids taken off me). I was actually tapering off my depression meds so she has advised me to increase these again.
I have also contacted a solicitor who will be calling me back with advice.

[Attheendofmytether1]

Still trying to force my tea down.
Why can't I just get over him. If this was anyone else I would tell them to move on and never look back.

[TheHobbitMum]

Hes an absolute dick! Make him leave and tell he DC take the power away from him. You will come through this happier & stronger 🌸

[Attheendofmytether1]

I look forward to that day. Thank you all. It's so great to be able to spew out my thoughts and feelings without having to censor them.

[IcedCoffeeToGo]

He's got someone else, without doubt.

Sort your finances out, get everything in order. Agree to nothing. Seek legal advice.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Tell him to leave.
You don't want him there and he has to go.
You will tell the DC once he has gone and see what happens.

[Attheendofmytether1]

Iced, my thoughts exactly. He denies this and has gotten very angry at me for suggesting this.
I have shown him listings for cheap flats etc but he's not interested. Seems to think we will be able to run two family homes on what we run one with now.
If he would only leave the house I could start to move on. This is hell.