My husband wants to separate

[Attheendofmytether1]

Hi this is my first post (and may be long)

I have been with my husband for 23 years and married 13. We have four DC ranging from 11 to 5.
When our last DC was born he confessed to having an affair and wanted to leave.
He left and I was devastated. I was 3 weeks post c section and my head was all over the place. I took an overdose and ended up in hospital. My parents live in Canada and my mum had to fly home. It took time but eventually I became stronger and made friends which I never have before and got a life.
He then decided to come home. I welcomed him with open arms. I was left with ptsd and have had a lot of counselling and meds for anxiety and depression.
Things have been good and bad and I've found it hard to trust and my self esteem is low. I feel that I'm not good enough.
We've had several blips and he has been caught texting a female twice (says there were rumours but nothing behind them).
The last straw was when the diamond fell out of my engagement ring. I jokingly said I thought this was a bad omen and was worried and he blew up said I was torturing him and he was leaving.
He stormed off and came back in the early hours he never goes out apart from to work .
We limped on till yesterday when he took time off work and was here when I came home and said he wanted a separation. stupidly I begged and pleaded with him to stay and he's refusing.
He also won't leave. He wants to stay here short term an sort out finances. He also does not want to tell our DC until he feels ready. Seeing him is killing me inside.
Please help (sorry for the saga)

[Attheendofmytether1]

Still posting here to stop me playing into his hands and texting him bovine him anno to say I never leave him alone.
My best friends mum died last year and I was very close to her. She was a very good friend to me and independent. She has helped me many times when he has done something stupid and I can just hear what she would have to say. I went up to her grave today and cleat her give me a god talking to in my head.

[SilvaCaledonia]

I am impressed with all you've done today!

Agree he needs to go: could you take the children somewhere for the weekend, maybe, and tell him to be gone by the time you return?

[AgathaF]

Laugh at him if he says about contacting SS again. I have worked in child protection, there is no way they would be in the slightest bit interested in someone going to their GP for anxiety. He is a tool!

I second Silva's suggestion of taking your children away for the weekend if possible. If you do though, before you go make sure you have got copies or originals of any important documents you might need - banks statements, mortgage, pay slips, P60s, share certs, insurance, pensions stuff, birth/marriage certs, passports, etc. Best if you could store all important paperwork out of the house somewhere where he can't access it and 'make it disappear', perhaps at a friends house?

You've achieved a lot in s short time, whilst coping with all of this. He needs to go so that you can start to heal and start to put your life back together. But you already know that. The question is, how to make it happen? Hopefully, if he's having nothing done for him at home, if you are ignoring him, perhaps if you have friends round as much as poss when he is there, he will feel so uncomfortable that he will move on quickly.

[Attheendofmytether1]

Thank you. We can't go anywhere for the weekend skint, but I have longstanding plans for me and the DC on Saturday and I intend to keep these.
I hope a solicitor will give me advice with regards to my position with him refusing to leave our home. Surely I don't have to live with this torture?

[SilvaCaledonia]

Tell him to pack and leave on Saturday while you and dcs are busy.

Make it clear to him that you are ending the relationship. Take the power back.

He can kip on a floor with family,more at work, or in his car, it doesn't matter.

[Attheendofmytether1]

Yep I've asked him to stay at his parents (like last time) or to sleep in his car. He has few no friends that I know about and never goes anywhere apart from work.
I have a solicitor's appointment next Wednesday so hopefully I will be more stable then

[Attheendofmytether1]

Just been summoned to MIL's house to look at a birthday gift for our DD.
She acted like nothing was happening and it drove me nuts.
I crave a hug, a look or an acknowledgement of my pain. I'm expecting too much...............

[Iamdobby63]

Look at it this way, what exactly are you losing?

Please keep communication with him to a minimum as you will only end up hurting yourself.

[AgathaF]

Did you mention the separation to your MIL?

Glad you have a solicitor's appointment.

[Attheendofmytether1]

No, she does know but is ignoring it.
I'm feeling much stronger tonight and have eaten some cooked ham yay!

[Naicehamshop]

Thinking of you OP. Sounds like you are doing well - keep going.

[AgathaF]

If you see her again, how about taking matters into your own hands and telling her how difficult it is with him still living in the marital home and suggesting that he bunks at hers until he's sorted alternative accommodation out?

[Attheendofmytether1]

Ok so it's been a long night.
DCs and I got home from activities yesterday evening and husband was waiting on us.
I hadn't spoke to him since the night before.
He now says he wants to 'try' save the marriage. That he doesn't want to throw away 23 years.
My gut is screaming that this might be a way to give him breathing space to remain at home until he sorts out his finances. Then he will decide its 'not working' and leave.
I've told him I'll think about it and he said 'but I thought it's what you wanted'.
He's right but I want to put myself and DC first and accept that I'm worth more and deserve to be treated well.

[Iamdobby63]

Did you ever have couples counselling? Take your time thinking on this, I can't help but think this is all a contrived effort to keep you down and grateful.

[Iamdobby63]

All he has achieved by this statement of separation is to make you feel more insecure about your relationship, I suppose he thinks you can just 'get over' it. He needs to take responsibility and realise that he is entirely at fault for you feeling this way.

I hope he was shocked by the fact you needed to think about it, I'm not suggesting you play games with him but it would do him good to feel a fraction of the insecurities that you feel.

[tipsytrifle]

You're absolutely right to put yourself and DC first. I also think his "but I thought..." comment possibly via legal advice of his own is a severe underestimation of your character, determination and priorities.

[Attheendofmytether1]

Thanks. He has gone out to meet his brother tonight so has given myself and the DCs some breathing space.
Work was quite taxing today so was good to have to use my brain for something other than thinking about what has happened.
I spent the afternoon in our garden making Daisy chains with the DC and when he went out we made a fire in the chimnea and toasted marshmallows and bread. They went to bed very content and happy.
I'm now relaxing with a cuppa and the new episodes of Orange is the new Black.
He keeps asking if I'm ok. I think it's shocking him that I'm not hastling him to commit to anything or crying.
Sometimes I feel a panic attack coming on but in front of him I'll fake it till I make it. Was sent this pic today by a friend. Seems very appropriate.

[SandyY2K]

He doesn't really want to try that's not sounding true from him, based on what you've said.

I honestly feel you're better off rid of him, he doesn't have enough love for you.
You not falling into a big mess has thrown him off balance and suddenly he's having second thoughts.

All of a sudden he's not got the power and he doesn't like it. Stay strong with the 180.

Maybe suggest that a seperation for a few months to give some space between you to think would help. He needs to know you're not going to crumble without him and have a good life regardless.

Any trying to make it work should come with some condition from you.

[SandyY2K]

Totally agree with Euphemia.

You tell him what you need from him to reconsider staying in the marriage.

One of those things would be him looking into what a cheating spouse should know and do. His affair wasn't fully dealt with by the sound of things.

Him knowing that you have other options and that you're not going jump to his change of tune is a good message.

[Attheendofmytether1]

Yes I'm working on my on happiness.
Even his family are beginning to realise I could cope on my own.
There is a big event happening beside us today and I have longstanding plans to go with a group of friends and our DC.
His mum called this morning to ask if I was going and to say she would come with me for 'company', she was very put out when I said I already had plans to meet other people. I think they thought I couldn't cope without them.
Look I'm not ready to walk away yet but I AM ready to take control and to let him show ME that he is worthy to remain my husband!

[AgathaF]

If he's serious about giving it a go, perhaps having him move to his mum's house for a couple of weeks initially, to give you some space, would be a good idea. If he won't do it, then I guess that tells you all you need to know about how serious he really is.

[BlueFolly]

let him show ME that he is worthy to remain my husband!

Basically what I hear when you say this is... 'I am prepared to put up with this crap for the rest of my life.

[Attheendofmytether1]

You are all spot on. When it comes down to it I'm not at the point that I want to let him go. I can see him for what he is and know he's has emotionally abused me.
DC and I had a brill time at the event and I am meeting all the girls again later for a few drinks.

[SandyY2K]

The problem is that as long as you stand for his nonsense, he'll come continue dish it out. It's a power thing with him and he wants to retain all the control.

23 years is a long time. I don't think that should be ignored, however, I also think you have every right to and should express what he needs to do for you to be happy in the marriage.

You have a voice so let it be heard loud and clear. I think you're doing well in terms of getting on with your daily life without him. He's not seeing what he saw last time and he's wondering where your stength is coming from.

Keep it up, as it empowers you and helps make you look strong. You won't go back to the you who was suicidal this time - hold it together and exude confidence.

You know a friend of mine got dumped a while ago by text. She replied saying "Ok, good luck" and he (the dumper) was furious. He started saying she obviously never loved him with that response and he was going to propose, but he's glad he didn't.

She just said - no worries have a nice life. A few days later he was texting profusely trying to get back with her.

The less you care (or the less you show you care), the stronger you appear.

It's not just a case of him saying let's try. What is the root cause of him wanting a seperation?