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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Would you accept this ?!

101 replies

Wheredoistandnow · 07/04/2016 10:51

Yesterday my boyfriend went to get his children for an extra day as it is the holidays. He said he decided when he got there that he would just stay and mix in with his ex and the two children rather than picking them up and taking them out.
So they went off for a wander round their old town, had lunch then went back to hers for a few hours.

Would you accept that ?! It's not the first time that they have had a day out together this year either.

OP posts:

Report

bloodyteenagers · 07/04/2016 13:00

Seriously. Let him go back to his family.
You knew he was married with young children. You could have told him no.
He will ALWAYS put his children way above you. He will always put his ex ahead of you if he has any conscience and it sounds like he may. You will always be way down in his list of important people to him.
Walk away.

Cabrinha · 07/04/2016 13:03

Oh I expect he's spent the last year trying to get back into her bed. Probably has sometimes.
And now, he probably wants to get back with her.
Very often selfish men stray because they want more sex, or different sex, or an ego boost.
Now it's very likely that she's keen to "win" him back, so is probably providing more and better sex and generally just being very appealing. (google the pick me dance)

It's an ego boost to him that he can go back. None of the hassle of the divorce (bet he's not rushed that through, huh?)
None of the financial difficulty from it either.

So... Getting his kids back full time, losing no money in a divorce, getting plenty of sex as his (poor) wife wants to keep him...

Let me think: why WOULD he pick you over her?

No, he wouldn't.
See, if he's after excitement, you're not even that any more. He's not seeing a future with you if he's kept his kids away from you this long.

The reason he spent the day with her is because he wants to get back with her. Returns are quite common.

So no, I wouldn't accept it.
I'd slink off on my little morally bankrupt legs before I got chucked, really. Too late for you to slink off before you're cheated on though, I expect.

Them's the breaks for an OW.

PPie10 · 07/04/2016 13:05

The ow? Shame on you.

mrschatty · 07/04/2016 13:08

Looks like he's missing his family life. Has he made any moves to start divorce proceedings? Of he does go back to his wife I hope he realises the mistake he made with you and spends the rest of his life making it up to her a s his dc

winkywinkola · 07/04/2016 13:25

He's cheating on you.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 07/04/2016 13:44

Who could ever trust a man that left his Wife to be with them?! Honestly it makes my brain hurt!

WellErrr · 07/04/2016 13:58

Harsh but true Cabrinha

tornandhurt · 07/04/2016 14:19

Sitting here reading the subsequent comments and learning you were the OW, its not surprising you've asked the question.

You're jealous and insecure............why.......because you know exactly what he's capable of. Unsettling isn't it! - maybe if nothing else you'll learn from it.

Yipeekayee72 · 07/04/2016 14:34

Seems to be a lot of guesswork going on here. I think this place isn't the right one for advice in these situations.

RedMapleLeaf · 07/04/2016 15:33

I agree with yipee. I think you need to talk to him about your concerns (and I think you're right to be concerned as he doesn't seem to be committing to a future with you given the situation with not meeting the children).

Why do you think he left his wife? Was it for reasons that are still in place?

bloodyteenagers · 07/04/2016 15:41

Perhaps he left his wife because he was fucking another woman and couldn't live with the guilt anymore.
It was either stay with the family
Or go with the something new.

If he was having issues in the marriage he could have done the responsible adult thing. Talk to her. Councilling. Trial separation.

Wheredoistandnow · 07/04/2016 16:03

He said he was unhappy and she made him unhappy that I made him laugh and was fun and different.

OP posts:

Lunar1 · 07/04/2016 16:08

I think it's lovely that she can get past what he did and put their children first. How old are they?

WellErrr · 07/04/2016 16:10

Oh well at least he was original 😂😂😂😂

TheNaze73 · 07/04/2016 16:16

I suppose she didn't understand him either......?

Wheredoistandnow · 07/04/2016 16:18

They are 5 and under.

OP posts:

cruusshed · 07/04/2016 16:25

How has he avoided meeting your child all this time? That must be very restrictive for your relationship and maybe insulting/non-committal/red flag for you?

Wheredoistandnow · 07/04/2016 16:27

Just see each other when dc is in bed.
I'll stay at his after work if we're on the same shift and occasionally we have same day off together.

OP posts:

Chlobee87 · 07/04/2016 16:30

I'm going to buck the trend here and say that I actually do have some sympathy for you. Anyone can make a mistake and fall for someone they shouldn't. There is a very similar kind of situation within my family (not me, I might add) and so I have seen both sides up close.

Although having an affair with a married man is a hideous thing to do, it's one mistake. It's a fucking big one, don't get me wrong, but I don't think it necessarily makes you a bad person through and through, and I don't think it means that you are morally bankrupt - just that you behaved badly and who can honestly say that they've always been proud of their behaviour? It depends if you recognise the hurt you've caused and you are remorseful. Ultimately, being the OW is nowhere near as bad as being the married party IMO.

I think the reason that people are giving you a hard time OP is that you seem pretty unconcerned with the feelings of the family he left. I'm not saying you should beat yourself up forever, but you should take your share of the responsibility and have some consideration for the exW and kids.

Wheredoistandnow · 07/04/2016 16:37

I do take my share of the responsibility , I did a bad thing I know that.
I can't apologise as she wouldn't accept it , no matter how I wrapped it up it is still what it is.
I know I am entitled to feel how I do , I know that others are scorning me and think I'm in the wrong.

I was asking for advice I was honest by saying I was ow. I was going to hide that fact but didn't want to lie.

OP posts:

BolshierAryaStark · 07/04/2016 16:38

Yes OP, you certainly do reap what you sow.
He doesn't see a future with you at all, you haven't (rightly) met his DC, but most telling is that he doesn't want to meet yours...
You have two options, stick with him & be forever on the backfoot wondering what he's up to, if he's met someone new & more exciting-everyone gets boring after a while right? Or you can move on, preferably to a man wo isn't already in a relationship, there is such a man as this believe it or not.
You've done a shit thing, a thing which is most likely being done back to you now-not a good feeling is it?

donajimena · 07/04/2016 16:47

I'm speechless really. I wonder if this is a real post because of your 'she made him unhappy and you didn't' or whatever.
Does anyone fall for the oldest line in the book in this day and age?

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WellErrr · 07/04/2016 16:49

I was asking for advice I was honest by saying I was ow. I was going to hide that fact but didn't want to lie.

This has got to be a reverse.

'Didn't want to lie'

Cabrinha · 07/04/2016 16:59

"fun and different"
Well just as I posted - you're no longer fun and different, are you? You're old hat now.

My non-scathing and serious - though still not sympathetic advice - is that you need to talk to him about this.

Has he actually started the divorce? (let me guess - he doesn't want to as it will upset her and he doesn't want to risk seeing his kids)

YourLeftElbow · 07/04/2016 17:01

Tbh I think that most of the separated/divorced parents I know in my generation (I'm 33) are on very good terms with their ex. Mine comes over for tea all the time, we go on family days out, it's good for the children to see you can move on from a romantic relationship without hatred.

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