Children's dad not responding to calls

[turkeylovessprout]

Me and h have been separated about 6 months now. Our arrangements are all done between us and I take the children to see him every other weekend and he usually comes the other weekends. Usually the kids call him or he calls them (whichever comes first!) each evening.
Anyway, text on Friday said he was too worn out to come down (we're about 3 hours away) to come this weekend, so i said that was fine and we'd go next week. he is a workaholic and works all hours God sends so I know he's always very busy and tired but I've tried calling two nights now for the kids to speak to him and he's not answering. I wrote a text asking if it was till OK if I brought the kids next week and have no reply.

The main reason I worry is that he doesn't really have any friends outside work or family close by. He's a bit of a hermit and doesn't socialise.

Should I be worried?

Would you feel comfortable contacting one of his family? I only say because my ex p couldn't be reached for a few days and something bad had happened.

Sometimes people who are new to MN and don't understand how it works accidentally PM people on a thread instead of posting their thoughts. If it looks like a perfectly normal post that fits on this thread then that's probably what has happened.

Have the phone calls and texts been to different numbers (landline and mobile)? If they're all to one number it could be a problem with the phone. If not then I'd try one more time this evening and then maybe give his parents/siblings a call just in case something's wrong.

I would be worried too since it is out of character.

I would probably give your old neighbour a ring to be honest just to check if the car has moved, lights gone on etc.

Ok, I've just received a text back with 'ok' this morning. That's it.
I'm not going to call or anything today. I'll just wait until he calls the kids.

Perhaps ge is wanting to have se time to himself of a weekend, he might have met someone? But isn't sure how to say it without sounding like a dick.

Would you like some free weekends too? Would it be possible to switch to an eow arrangement so that you and your ex have some free time to do your own thing? Spending every weekend together must be tough on you both.

Bloody phone typos! you get what I'm trying to say lol!

It's such a worry isn't it. Sounds a bit like my ex with the working and home life. Quite a few times I've had this worry, it's thoughtless, very often has his phone turned off, doesn't want to be disturbed . Like other posters have mentioned re him being depressed, this is a concern but what can we do about this when they won't communicate??

Yes, Hope he has freak. Yes, it's not easy but he doesn't want youngest (2.5) to stay by himself and if I'm not around he'll just take the girls. Then youngest gets very upset if the girls are away so it's a no win. I'm hoping he'll take DS when he's a bit older. Currently I'm not getting any time to myself. I've left it totally up t him when he comes here and always ask when/if he wants me to bring the kids.
Maybe I'm on edge because a while ago I said I was taking the children one weekend to see my sister (haven't seen her in a year) and he got all upset saying they should be seeing their own dad and he should come first ect...
I'm unsure what he wants really.

Yes Vulcan, I can't read minds. I'd like him to think he could speak to me but I doubt he sees it like that. I left because it was unbearable (not speaking, silences, walking on eggshells all the time) and I felt it was bad for the kids and I myself was also getting very depressed.
I feel wonderful now on my own and I'd never want to go back but it's a bloody nightmare trying to read what he actually is thinking.

He sounds a bit shit and your child contact arrangements are completely unsustainable. You need an agreement that works for you both and that he will stick to. Could you try mediation?

Possibly Emma but I doubt he'd go. I've not yet started on any divorce proceedings but my family are urging me to to get things more in order. I don't know why I am still worrying tbh as he never had a minute to give any of his family before and was not a very nice person to be around. It's almost like I'm still protecting him. He seems to get last say in any decisions anyway. At Christmas he took the girls away for the week leaving me with my son who was really upset. Though I'm now living on my own and at a distance I guess he still has some control.

The irony is that when I talked about us splitting up, he wanted the kids to stay with him and for me to leave. He didn't want to leave the family house so we had to leave with nothing and my mum got us somewhere to live. I couldn't have afforded it otherwise. (hence the distance)
So he is still living by himself in the 3 bed house we purchased.

sorry (he) purchased as my name is not on the deeds :(

Wow. Sound like emotional and financial abuse to me. You need legal advice urgently. If finances are still an issue, you could start by calling the free Rights of Women family law helpline. You could also ask your local CAB for a list of local family law solicitors - some of them might offer a free initial consultation.

(I think it must be abuse as I can think of no other reason that you would let him take your DDs for a week and leave your DS behind!)

I get benefit help now Emma and am studying and working in the school as a placement trying to get back to work but am managing atm. He also puts some money each month into my account like he did when we were together.
I know, I'm really not very assertive. I keep feeling sorry for him but my family don't see it this way. I always tried to be 'the good wife', but it wasn't enough. I wish I could just get stronger and more confident.
I'm proud of where I've come this far in 6 months but still a long way to go I guess.
We never shared accounts in the marriage, because i was a SAHM, he just put money into my account to do the shopping.

Yes, it hurts me badly to see my son being effectively rejected. (he says he can't cope with three of them!) but I'm unclear whether this is a stab in the back or seriously if he can't be bothered or can't manage. ds 3 was not planned and were both a bit shocked. He wanted me to get an abortion but I refused. I'm not sure if this is related or not.

What others (or maybe I can't understand!) is that I don't want his money from a divorce as I was a SAHM with our three kids and he always went out to work I'm struggling to see how I own anything from that. He already had another house (he now rents out) with mortgage paid off and earns over 65k and a mortgage on current house. I know he's worked hard for all of this and I think I'd feel guilty for taking it if it was shared. This is why I am really trying my hardest to get back into work to set a good example to the kids.

Sorry, it's complicated!!

You really shouldn't feel guilty for having a share, you were working, in the home bringing up your/his family, this is some of the hardest/important work there is, and he knows it because he can't handle it himself!

Definitely get some legal advice so you can get what you deserve. Must have took a lot of courage to get out and you did it!

Thanks Vulcan, It did take me quite a long time but got there in the end (with help from mumsnet!)