Non existant proposal

[SoVerySad100]

It was my 30th birthday this weekend and I went away with friends and my boyfriend of 3 years. I've been planning and looking forward to this trip for months but it was a disaster.
At Christmas I overheard my boyfriend speaking to a mutual friend (I was in the same room but he was quite drunk) about his plans to propose to me when we were away for my 30th. This really took me by surprise as we hadn't spoken much about marriage specifically, just the fact that we were planning on being together, buying a house, starting a family ect.
I have spent the last 3 months fantasising about and preparing for the proposal, and getting more excited as my partner mentioned things related to it- he was going to give me a special present whilst we were away, mentioning friends who got engaged, asking is I liked their rings etc.
Long story short, he didn't propose, wasn't planning to and it was apparently something stupid he said when drunk and he doesn't seem to remember it.
I am gutted because instead of enjoying this much anticipated weekend away with him and friends I was so focused on the engagement and we argued the whole weekend because it became clear fairly early that he wasn't going to propose.
He also didn't bother coming to see my family as planned to celebrate my birthday after the weekend and (sorry I know this is going to sound spoilt) he got my presents totally and utterly wrong. though I suppose it would be hard to get them right when I was expecting a ring.
The annoying thing is I was really content with our relationship until I heard him say he was planning an engagement and now that is hasn't happened I feel like I've done something wrong. I'm also gutted that the weekend was spoilt because of this. I acted like a brat but I can't help it, I feel absolutely devastated and humiliated that I built this weekend up to be some huge romantic special one and couldn't relax and have fun with my mates.
Has anyone else expected a proposal and felt let down? And how do I fix this, I feel like my partner ruined not just my birthday but any future engagement we may have. Am I overreacting? Literally feel gutted

[mrsmeerkat]

I totally get your upset at this.

I would remain quiet but not commit to buying a house right now.

I broke up with an ex about your age. I wanted to move on with my low and he was in a rut.

I wouldn't advise breaking up with him but taking on more things on your own. maybe booking a girl's holiday that type of thing. just s your own thing a lot more

[SoVerySad100]

A lot of you make a good point about the legal and financial protection of marriage, I have considered that in the past and it is relevant to me, I guess I just didn't give it as much priority as I should. My partner earns considerably more than me and his pay will continue to rise, mine won't by much as I am as far up my career as I would like to be.
As we are not quite in a position to buy a house or have a baby all those things seem fairly far away so I haven't thought about or discussed the finer details of them. The notion of the proposal brought those things much closer and I'm gutted that I'm back to where I was.

[TheNaze73]

So take away the romantic notions & rationale for why you want this engagement validation.
Is it on his radar since this happened?

[Duckdeamon]

Two/three years is not far away at all. A proposal makes those things no closer.

Either he shares your desire to get married (not just engaged, that's just a promose and ring), buy a home and ttc in 2/3 years or he doesn't (at the moment at least): you can't know whether or not his wishes on this will change in a year, or five. If he wishes to stay as things are for the foreseeable you can weigh up your options, taking into account your own wishes and appetite for risk! Eg In your shoes I would be concerned about his commitment and have fertility worries about waiting say 5 more years to ttc, others might be less concerned with that!

[AtrociousCircumstance]

So after all the arguments did you sit down and discuss the reality of getting married? Has he told you he definitely wants to marry you? You need to be clear about your needs and expectations and he needs to be honest. And you need a clear timescale.

I think your reaction is completely natural by the way. You overheard him say, specifically, that he was going to ask you on your thirtieth. Asking if you like rings etc. Im afraid it sounds to me as if he chickened out.

[99percentchocolate]

You have my sympathies OP, it's incredibly shit. I was in your position too - I was fine until DP gave me a ring on our first anniversary - but not an engagement ring. Why he did it in a nice restaurant instead of with the rest of my presents at home I'll never know.
It took a while to get over that but he told me a few times about how we would get married "in a couple of years" and we even talked about the kind of wedding we would have.
When I got pregnant I was upset that he still hasn't proposed and told him so. He told me he had been planning to do it very soon actually and was quite cross at me for spoiling it. For my whole pregnancy I waited for it to happen. Every nice place we went to I would wait for it to happen and every birthday/Christmas I cried myself to sleep when it didn't happen. So many potential happy memories were ruined.
I tried proposing to him but he turned me down, telling me that he wanted to do it.
We have had so many chats about it and it basically boils down to us not having enough money for a "wedding". I've told him I'm not interested in that, I want legal protection now. A lot of men feel intimidated by the idea of a big party, the costs that it entails and all of the planning. The bridezilla thing doesn't help either!
DP hasnt proposed but we have agreed that we will get married in the next year at our register office. He has until January to propose and then I'm just going to book it.
I've learned to let go of the proposal idea over time and ignore anything he says about it. If he does it then great. If not, then I'm booking the register office anyway. My legal protection is too important to me.
It sucks but I would start ignoring every hint he makes, that's the only way to avoid the disappointment.
And do not have children with him beforehand. I made that mistake and it was probably the riskiest and stupidest thing I've ever done.
my dp isn't a twat, I promise. He just isn't great on the wedding thing!

[peaceoftheaction]

Hmm. At risk of being the only old cynic on the thread, it's possible he knew exactly what he was doing, especially with the 'special present' comments, asking if you liked peoples engagement rings and so on. Do you think he just changed his mind or bottled out? Or is it a manipulative thing. How is he generally in your relationship, is he kind?

[Duckdeamon]

Chocolate your DP does indeed sound like a total twat! He must know damn well what he's done and is still doing.

[Duckdeamon]

Oh and men are not generally "intimidated" by wedding prep: that's an excuse. More likely they're keen to avoid the financial and legal implications of marriage.

[goddessofsmallthings]

I feel so let down and my weekend away has been ruined, not to mention for my friends who had to put up with us arguing. It just feels crap, particularly as it isn't something I've been hankering after or pestering him for

After spending the last 3 months investing in "the proposal' and envisaging the scene in glorious tecnicolour complete with sparking ring you could show off on your subsequent visit to your family, you're now saying that it isn't something you've "been hankering after".

If that's the case he hasn't "ruined" anything by failing to take advantage of what you determined was the ""perfect opportunity" based on his drunken words and some chat about friends who'd got engaged.

I get that you may feel disappointed a proposal was not going to be forthcoming, but throwing your toys out of the pram and ruining the weekend for yourself, and no doubt for him and your friends, is brattish behaviour.

I'm another who's curious to know what the presents he "got totally and utterly" were? '

[SoVerySad100]

my boyfriend is kind, really kind actually. we have a really lovely relationship, very easy going and seem to want the same things.
He was the one who 'wooed' me, initiated moving in and started talking about buying a house ect. i am a little slower with these things because I have been in a long term relationship (10 yrs) before and bought a house with the ex, only to find out he was not a very nice person and split up with him before we even moved in to our home. so i am probably a little more cautious and read a lot into things.
i really hope he isnt being manipulative or chickened out of proposing.
I feel like i should go back to being as independant as possible, not go out of my way for him and as another poster suggested do more for and by myself.
that makes me sad because to me the whole beauty of being with someone is trusting them and being able to rely on them, i'm not sure how to balance that with not relying on them to complete my happiness

[SirChenjin]

How can you want the same things if he suddenly doesn't want marriage and you do? It's definitely not unreasonable of you to sit him and down for A Chat - buying a house together and having children shouldn't be something that leaves you high and dry financially if you were to split up, it should be part of a whole package that comes about through trust and communication, rather than trying to second guess what he may or may not do at some point in the future. If he doesn't want to be married - to you - then he needs to demonstrate that kindness by being honest with you, and then you can decide if some form of legal commitment is sufficient or if marriage is the deal breaker.

[Duckdeamon]

By all means be more independent but why not just talk to him about all this?

[RedMapleLeaf]

I feel like i should go back to being as independant as possible, not go out of my way for him and as another poster suggested do more for and by myself.
that makes me sad because to me the whole beauty of being with someone is trusting them and being able to rely on them, i'm not sure how to balance that with not relying on them to complete my happiness

Very good question imho!

[LeaLeander]

I don't want to feel like I did the last few months, waiting for and expecting a proposal.

Why passively sit around and wait? If you want to marry him, why not ask him instead of hankering and hoping for months on end? Then you would know where you stand.

Or is it the grand gesture you want from him - the bended-knee, I cannot live without you my beloved! scene that you envisioned? Again, shouldn't you know that by now, one way or another, about someone whom you may allow to impregnate you? If he hasn't declared that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, why plan to buy a house and "ttc" with him?

It is not much of a "proposal" if you have to armtwist, prompt and guilt someone into making it. Why not find a man who unreservedly and enthusiastically declares his long-term commitment to you, and is willing to back those words up with the legal protection marriage would give you?

[AuntieStella]

I read the OP's interpretation of the later comments as confirmation bias. He could simply have been talking about newly engaged friends because they are friends, mentioned a special present because he was buying something he thought would be special (and there are oodles of possibilities other than an engagement ring) and commented on friends' engagement rings simply because they'd recently been flashing than and he was making conversation.

Which means I don't see it as him leading you in with expectations. He was talking wildly when drunk (as as proved by events, didn't really mean it), and he had no idea you'd overheard let alone built up a whole scenario on it.

But it has had a value. It's made you think about what you really want. And now you need to talk to him about it.

And yes, you need to maintain your independence until you are sure you want a shared future with him.

[MeMySonAndl]

I think that is the sad thing, that at some point you realise that you shouldn't be so trusting as you cannot fully rely on him (at least if you read that in their reluctance to marry).

And then you embrace your independence and realise that you are actually doing very well on your own thank you, and gradually lose interest in the relationship.

[scarlets]

I think you need to have a really candid chat. Don't be fobbed off with, "I'll propose when the time is right" - this isn't 1920 and you're not a blushing 19 year old - you need to be taking control of your future.

[donajimena]

My partner did something similar. Hinted at a ring even made a joke about me being his fiancee at a function later on in the year. (I'll be taking my fiancee ha ha )
Of course I got a little carried away in my head...
I then had a conversation about our future goals only for him to say well we can't get married because x, y, z...
I was really cross because it was like something I had been expecting (because he fucking alluded to it none of it came from me!) was suddenly ripped away from me.
I felt shaky for quite a while even though I am 100% confident that we are as equally comitted. I told him in no uncertain terms that his 'jokes' were crap and not to mention the M word again unless he put his (metaphorical) money where his mouth is!
However I am a lot older than you and I'm not planning children. I just wanted to say I completely understand how you feel emotionally.
I'm not bothered at all now but I would stress as others have marriage is massively important if you are sharing a future with children. Its not wrong to say to him that you will not consider having children without being married. You MUST have that talk. If he won't I'd be questioning if he sees your relationship as 'the one'
It would be terrible if you broke up over this but it would be even worse if you broke up in four or five years time having been strung along by the promise of 'one day'

[Cabrinha]

He's entitled to whatever drunken conversation he wants!
And I agree that the comments afterwards were you assuming things with this knowledge. It's not his fault you overheard the conversation!
I understand why you'd be disappointed - but you ruined this 30th weekend for yourself.
Btw - I'd think twice before marrying a lower earner than me - I made a prenup part of my acceptance.

[SirChenjin]

Good job everyone isn't like you then.

[MeganBacon]

I think it is natural for you to be very disappointed. I think he probably was planning it at the time as we don't tend to say totally unthinkable things when drunk, and the other clues are all there. I think he bottled out or just changed his mind.
It's put you in the position of the person who wants something that the other one is holding out on, and that's a very bad dynamic that you must try to change to get the relationship back on a healthy (more equal) footing before it becomes entrenched. I second trying to build a more independent life as other posters have suggested to redress the balance.

[Naicehamshop]

99percentchocolate - I can't believe you are making excuses for your DP - he has been really unkind IMO!!

(Sorry OP!!)

[DinosaursRoar]

I would talk to him about your future, you are 30 now, you don't have another decade to bob around hoping it all becomes sorted if you want DCs.

Say that you want children and would like to be married before hand. That you are 30 now, if you want DCs in the next 5 years (or whatever time frame you have), then if he's not really wanting those things, then he should say so, as it's not really fair to let you 'waste' your fertile years with him.

As others have said, keep repeating to yourself, having a child is a commitment to the child, not to the mother, taking out a joint mortgage is a commitment to the bank, not a commitment to the other party in the mortgage. If he wants to commit to you, he'll commit to you. As the lower earner, you are more likely to be "the logical decision" to go part time or give up work after having DCs. Yours is going to be "the logical" career to take the hit, he should want to give you the protection of marriage.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

You need to ask him outright if he wants to marry you.

Whilst it's entirely possible that this was a drunken conversation and the rest was confirmation bias, and he didn't mean to mislead you, the fact that he hadn't reassured you that he does want to marry you could be very telling.

If he doesn't want it now, there's no guarantee that will change. It might, but it might not. You don't want any big commitments with someone who isn't too sure if they want to commit to you, so your house and baby get further away. If you need to find someone else to persue those dreams with, you want all the time you can get.

While I can fully appreciate that you want to go back to how things were, this is a vital opportunity to make sure that you are actually on the same page and this isn't just talk and financial agreements.