I'm not good enough for him

[VeronicaDinner]

So the story is that I met a new man after ending a very bad relationship at the end of last year. The new man has been absolutely wonderful. He has been kind, patient, generous, interested in me... And all I have done is push him away.

My last boyfriend thought I was emotionally manipulative and clingy. I've never been told anything like that before in previous relationships. He was unable to commit and didn't want to be in a relationship with me. I tried so hard to fight to keep him that I am mentally exhausted. I feel like I tore myself apart trying to find out what was wrong with me so that I could be with him. We broke up, but not without him ripping me to shreds over my defective personality.

Anyway, unexpectedly, new man comes along. He has been perfect. But I was too terrified to care about him. He said that I had irritated him once in a small disagreement and I fled. I said that I couldn't be with him. I said I wasn't robust enough for a relationship.

Now I am flipping depressed as anything. I feel useless. I feel like he's better off without someone as unstable as me.

He's offered for me to think about it for a few days. I really miss him, but I am totally convinced that he should find someone else.

Am I doing the right thing? I just don't know anymore.

I think there is a good chance I am trying to sabotage my trust of him to make it easier to let go.

Ex would constantly ignore messages from me in the end. And also lie to get himself out of trouble.

I suppose I am hyper aware now that not responding to messages for many hours must mean he is ignoring me. And inconsistencies in his story as to how he was so incredibly busy must mean he is lying to get out of trouble.

Honestly, my perspective is so out of whack that I can't tell what normal behaviour is anymore.

But I do know that he was making shit up last night. His excuse didn't hold water.

To be completely frank, I think a lot of decent men would give someone straight out of a relationship a body swerve. New guy might be great...but I know from experience that there are also men about who take advantage of women in vulnerable states, fresh out of abusive marriages and relationships.

I'm not fresh out of a relationship in the way I have explained it to him. I broke up with ex around Christmas, and things were grinding to a halt before that. We didn't live together either.

I don't think he is feeding on my insecurities. He seemed to genuinely like me, but turned out to be a bit flaky. But maybe that's just my perception of it. He doesn't owe me any contact, particularly when I have already called it off.

I don't know.

Why are you still internalising the things your ex did and said as being to do with you? He was clearly not great: the only problem with you was putting up with too much shit for some reason!

There is a great, long thread somewhere on here about online dating and how to sift out useless men!

I'm still living through it because he was incredibly convincing. And it's not a usual thing to have someone you love and think won't hurt you turn on you.

It's not unusual at all! Very sadly.

It's is very sad and upsetting, but if you take on your ex's perceptions of you, focus on how awful you were/are, and bring all this to new relationships it's not going to do you any favours. Just because you loved and admired your ex and he'd previously loved and been good to you doesn't mean you should heed his view of things, or you.

No, you are right about that. Thank you for saying so. I did value his opinion enormously. I suppose that doesn't make him the Messiah of opinions though.

I've decided to meet up with the new one and talk. But not soon. Next week sometime, maybe.

If anyone is still interested, I decided to give the new guy a chance. It's early days, but we've had a lovely weekend together. I'm really happy. He's just so nice! I was so used to everything being a ballache. It's such a difference.

That's great, thanks for updating.

Yes, it is great! I'm enjoying things being normal! It's exciting to do ordinary things.

It's quite tricky to learn 'how to relationship' when out of an EA one I found. I though new man cooking me dinner was the height of kindness. Many people told me this was normal. Someone who is with you, not against you. It's a revelation!!

It's kind of exciting too. I feel really free. I didn't realise quite how guilty I felt for being me until ex wasn't around to make me feel guilty about it.

Good updates thanks OP.
It's so good when you do go back to just being yourself.
Glad you are enjoying it.
Well deserved!