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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Affair produced child and 10 years of deceit

96 replies

Cocodog1234567 · 28/02/2016 23:34

Hi all totally new to this but need to know if anyone been in my position. Found out 2 weeks ago partner of 18 years has a son with woman he had a short affair with the son is 10 years old. We have son who is 16. OH never told me she did. He finished affair but has had some contact with son behind my back. What can I do?? He says still loves and wants to be with me so confused !! Any advice appreciated

OP posts:

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wannaBe · 29/02/2016 10:14

"He hasnt ignored the child completely. He has paid maintenance. The woman chose to have the child, he didnt." really? He chose to have the affair though? And to not mention the child's existence for ten years?

I think that it might be possible to get over the fact that your partner had had an affair and fathered a child as part of that affair, but only at the time it happened. It's not so much the affair that is the issue here, obviously that is an issue but compared to the ten year old child who has been denied...? And people think this is insurmountable?

MoominPie22 · 29/02/2016 10:37

He didn´t choose to have a child? Erm....well what did he think was gonna happen if he can´t even be arsed to use a condom and have unprotected sex on God knows how many occasions? Cos the Law of Averages dictates that a pregnancy is pretty bloody probable!! Doh!

And don´t tell me that there was some discussion between them whereby they agreed that when not if the woman got pregnant then she would have an abortion! Seriously??

Total fucking codswallop. I mean, what did he say once he found out she was pregnant? ¨Well how the hell did that happen?¨ like some slack-jawed halfwit! He´d already fathered a child by that point, I think they were both compus mentis about how procreation works!

Cabrinha · 29/02/2016 11:00

Stitch10 he has ignored the poor kid. OP says he has gone the last 2 years without seeing him

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 29/02/2016 11:09

How is she blackmailing him?

L3gomad · 29/02/2016 13:05

Zero respect for this man

Why didnt he just come clean earlier ?

Surely he knew at some point his other family would come looking for him

He deserves two angry women
He deserves two disappointed children
He has not stepped up to his responsibilities

I guess you could arrange to meet the other woman to get her side of the story

I would take some time alone without him and have a big think about things

The big questions is WHY

pocketsaviour · 29/02/2016 13:20

"Blackmail"

Sorry OP this must be so hard for you. Where are you - are you staying with friends or family? When did you find out?

Binders1 · 29/02/2016 13:34

An affair is one thing some men do.

Living a lie for years is another thing some men do.

But.. abandoning his own son, his own flesh and blood - well that takes a really special and unique man to do that!

The lowest of the low.

I do wonder why the mother has made contact now though. He's obviously not fit to be a father. Why would she want him involved in the child's life after the way he has treated him. Unless your DH has lied about his invovlement as well.

HoppingForward · 29/02/2016 14:52

How has he been paying CM without you noticing?

LoveBoursin · 29/02/2016 15:02

I agree with Cheers. If the child had been an adult, would you have moved out?

IU think you need time and a have a very lengthy chat with him. In particular, you need to see what is going on with the OW and what's all that stuff about blackmailing him.
Some women aren't little angels and he might well have tried to find the best solution to a very crap situation and got it wrong.
Eg has she been blackmailing him to get more maintenance that he could afford, used the contact with the child to put some pressure on him (maybe for him to leave you?).

Or maybe, he has just been watching his own back with no regards for the woman and the child.

I also wouldn't surprised that he really loves you. I suspect that in his mind, this is all a very long time ago (10 years ago is when my dc was born. It DOES feel like a lifetime away) and it has become a protection type of work. Protecting himslef. Protecting you/his family.

Either way, you are the only person who can say how real his love for you is, how strong is the deceipt and if its something you can or can't move on from. Only you can say if he is genuine or not.

wannaBe · 29/02/2016 15:11

Even if she was blackmailing him it doesn't change the fact that he chose to withhold the truth from the OP.

He could have conceived a child with the bitch from hell and that still wouldn't minimise his share of the blame.

Fwiw I do agree that this is probably more common than we like to admit. A family member of my XH had a child by a married man about 50 years ago, in fact they remained in a relationship for about 40 years, he never left his wife, and although his children know that she had a child they have no idea that that child is their sibling.

david8341 · 29/02/2016 17:14

OMG. He has a 10 year old son that he's not seen in 2 years and that he's happy to never see again if you say so ?

I'm sorry but that is a terrible man. I love my wife and I don't want to lose her but if I there's no way I could abandon my child for her wtf. I can't get my head around this at all. Could you offer to abandon a child for him ??

kidsneedfathers · 29/02/2016 19:52

Coco dear!
Mine also had an affair and it resulted in a child. It took him time to confess it. It was very hard for me. Now I am OK. So are our kids.
Our family is whole. He did not give up and is not willing to give up on the OC. To his credit. The child born to the OW needs a father even more than a child born in a regular partnership. My opinion.
When you have overcome your pain (take time to nurse it) please start thinking about your own child and the other child as well. Make it a condition to your husband to be a good father to ALL his kids if he wants you to take him back.
But again before any reconciliation take time to nurse your pain. Be mad at him but please do not let negative comments or negative emotions (shame) blur your judgement and harm your family life- you know him better than we do (despite the lying that probably come from the fear of losing you) - maybe he believes that if he stops meeting the OC he will more easily keep you. Maybe I am wrong. Ask yourselves relevant questions (after the bereavement period): Is he a good dad to your child? Was the affair really a one-off? Is he a good partner (up to the affair-shadow)? Does he really not care of his OC (worrying as many said)? Can you bring him to be a good father to ALL his kids and remain a good partner to you? Once you are sure that he can be a good partner and good father to ALL his kids then go ahead and stay with him and rebuild your family- regardless of what others say/think/advise.

Cocodog1234567 · 29/02/2016 20:23

Thank you kids need fathers can really relate to ur comments means a lot x

OP posts:

Cocodog1234567 · 29/02/2016 20:26

Bit of background on o/w she has threatened me and my son. She has made up lies about me. She is not to be trusted in any way shape or form. I've seen that with my own eyes.

OP posts:

MoominPie22 · 29/02/2016 20:31

And I´m assuming your husband was DNA tested to be sure the kid is his? Just thinking....now you´ve said she´s a trouble-making shit stirrer. God it´s all gone a bit Jeremy Kyle

LoveBoursin · 29/02/2016 20:36

Agree about the DNA test but also about looking at the situation knowing she is not to be trusted/might have blackmailing him etc.

imo this is different than if he had had a lengthy relationship with her whilst staying with you iyswim..

LoveBoursin · 29/02/2016 20:38

One thing is jumping out for me too. The fact you say that you have had a very good relationship with him for the last 8 years.

Which tells me that
1- things weren't as easy before
2- and that he has made a lot of effort to make your relationship work.

kidsneedfathers · 29/02/2016 20:43

I see then maybe the OW does not allow him to be a good father. She might alienate the OC against him and make it difficult for him to be a good father to him. All this has to be taken into account after you have grieved. Counselling is much needed in your case IMHO. Good Luck!

Cocodog1234567 · 29/02/2016 21:03

I've seen photos it definitely looks like him. We have had ups and downs. I haven't been an angle (never had affair though) both been making effort last 8 years and things have been good. I'm not making any hasty decisions I know I will be okay on my own and he will be there for my son (sorry I cannot answer for the other son that's up to him) thanks for the comments xx

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 29/02/2016 21:06

So you know the OW? Was she part of your friendship group?

What threats has she made - have the police been involved?

Cocodog1234567 · 29/02/2016 21:10

No I don't know her she sent me pics. Threats are more name calling t myself names which are totally untrue . Would not trust her at all

OP posts:

HoppingForward · 29/02/2016 22:08

Your head must be a mess right now, what have you said to him? Or he said to you for that matter.

It's such a big thing to take in and his lies to you must have your head spinning right now.

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Cocodog1234567 · 23/02/2020 21:37

Just read your post over and over it really resonates, me too when young

OP posts:

Jesskir89 · 23/02/2020 21:46

Op what happened with your marriage?

Cocodog1234567 · 23/02/2020 22:02

Well took him back but not at all happy regrets x

OP posts:

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