Page 2 | Affair produced child and 10 years of deceit

Cocodog1234567 · 2016-02-28T23:34:43+00:00

Hi all totally new to this but need to know if anyone been in my position. Found out 2 weeks ago partner of 18 years has a son with woman he had a short affair with the son is 10 years old. We have son who is 16. OH never told me she did. He finished affair but has had some contact with son behind my back. What can I do?? He says still loves and wants to be with me so confused !! Any advice appreciated

Hissy · 29/02/2016 07:43

Wow! He really is the lowest of the low.

Agree with the comments about her blackmail- it's not.

As for making you responsible for him severing contact with his son?
Speechless.

Hissy · 29/02/2016 07:44

Actually if you leave him, he'll be able to make the decision to see both his sons.

Win win.

lighteningirl · 29/02/2016 07:50

Why has she contacted you? Presumably she gets child support? Did she contact you because they've been seeing each other for years and he made promises based around when your ds was older I am suspicious of the fact your ds is 16 and she has waited an awfully long time to open this can of deceit. A casual relationship resulting in her precious ds would have probably meant she didn't give a rats arse about him ten years later, I don't think you have anything g like the whole story here and please don't move out of the marital home it will disadvantage you financially move back in til you decide what to do.

wannaBe · 29/02/2016 07:59

OP did you know about the affair at the time or has everything come as a shock/surprise? Not that that necessarily changes anything but e.g. If you'd already known about the affair and you'd seemingly come back from that then it probably feels like a different kind of betrayal than if you didn't even know he'd had an affair and had fathered a child into the bargain.

What you need to consider here is:

This man lied to you for ten years and would have continued to do so.

He has lied to your child for ten years and would have continued to do so.

He has presumably lied to his other child for ten years and would have continued to do so.

And now he's giving you the responsibility of choosing what he should do next?

Think about that op. He's made all the choices, but has put the responsibility on to others. And there are two innocent children involved here, siblings who have no idea the other exists, and who didn't ask to be born into this mess. And even then he isn't capable of being responsible for them.

Is this the kind of loving relationship you want to emulate to your child?

Cabrinha · 29/02/2016 07:59

You need to consider whether a man who can stop contact with his child for TWO YEARS is a man you want in your life.
Picture your own son when he was 8, look at a photo, imagine him crying himself to sleep saying "I miss daddy, why doesn't daddy like me?"

I'd damn well want to know why this has surfaced now. (my bet is that he isn't paying maintenance)

You need the full story before you can even think about staying with him.

I do think marriages can recover - though rarely - from affairs when there is honesty and regret and hard work from the cheating bastard.

But you need to look at the core being of this person... He abandoned an 8yo. You want a prick like that?

I'm interested that he's managed to hide the maintenance from you, too.

Cabrinha · 29/02/2016 08:02

By the way, I notice that he and you are already minimising with "a short affair". An affair is an affair love.

He doesn't get to say "you can forgive me the affair, 10 years of lying, 2 years of abandoning a small child, years of hiding money from you - because it was only a short affair".

If - and it is an if - it was a short affair, it's because it was terminated by her pregnancy.

Levatrice · 29/02/2016 08:08

Lightningirls spot on

notapizzaeater · 29/02/2016 08:13

The affair per say wouldn't have done it for me, I'd have reassessed the situation. The 10 years of deceit and the abandonment of his child would have done it for me. Not only has he lied to you but he's denied your child a relationship with their half sibling.

OhShutUpThomas · 29/02/2016 08:17

He told the girl he had partner and child and would never leave us but she went ahead with pregnancy and has been blackmailing him ever sincr

Not one part of this is her fault. SHE didn't cheat on you. And I doubt she forced him into unprotected sex.

He's a cheat.

He's a liar.

He's blaming the woman.

He's willing to cut contact with his child on your say so.

He's no prize. Sorry OP

PrincessBooBoo · 29/02/2016 08:54

Wouldn't surprise me if you asked him to leave and he went to stay with her to 'sort his head' out

PrincessBooBoo · 29/02/2016 08:54

...and put the blame on you

FattyNinjaOwl · 29/02/2016 09:01

I agree with lighteninggirl you do not have the whole story here op.

MardyGrave · 29/02/2016 09:18

Did you know about the affair at the time, and the child is the revelation? Or is this all new to you op?

Cabrinha · 29/02/2016 09:22

Aside from the fact it's morally abhorrent, the grandiose claim that he'll abandon this child for you is rather good, isn't it?

Gosh he's really sorry and serious and will do anything.

Except... he abandoned the poor kid two years ago.

Empty offer really.

Nice if you give him the excuse to ditch his child though.

ivykaty44 · 29/02/2016 09:28

Why did this woman suddenly tell you that your husband had a child? What made her do that now? Do you know?
Sorry this is happening to you, I don't think I could stay and live in doubt

iPost · 29/02/2016 09:37

Does your 16 year old know yet ?

I have no personal experience as a spouse. But as a 16 year old, albeit without the extra added "complication" of a secret half-sibling, I have personal experience by the decade load.

If your son is sitting his GCSEs from May, I think his interests would be best served by the school's pastoral staff being made aware of the sudden and dramatic change in his family's composition. Things like this can, and do, torpedo a child's educational attainment. Not just for the first set of exams they are about to sit, but all the previous expectations can go flying out of the window. When your own parent fails the "be responsible" ruling that teenagers feel has been stuffed down their throat for their own behavoir for years, flying of the rails to some extent is not unknown. Ploughing the first set of exams can lead to throwing in the towel on former ambitions. In a whirl of self destructive "fuck you, why should I toe the line when you clearly don't" to the parent who has show feet so clay like they are practically an asset to the local pottery. Not every kid finds their way back to education. Sometimes the first walk away in a haze of anger and pain can leave them under qualified and stuck at a disadvantage long term. It is worth doing anything you can to head that off at the pass. School in the know may be helpful in that regard.

I know that it must be extremely discomforting, painful and unattractive to have to tell complete strangers the details of an enormous betrayal. But as a family secret it has a terrible potential to rot your son's life chances before he has even begun to create them.

Pleanty of people will tell you he is "nearly an adult", that his parents' marriage is "none of his business". Some children will feel like that. Others will not. With knobs on. And may be left to contend with not only deep hurt, a profound sense of loss for the parent who turned out not to be who they thought he was and ... rage. Lots and lots of rage. For that reason I think having a an idea of how to access to age appropriate counselling before very clear and overwhelming symptoms of "not coping well" are on display, is a good idea. Again, school may be able to point you in the right direction on that one. They may even end up being the safe place he can go and unload a teetering pile of feelings he doesn't know what to do with.

I am so so sorry. For the enormous betrayal you are having to cope with, and the pain this could cause your son.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 29/02/2016 09:39

When I was pregnant with my first dd (at 18) I split up with my now dh (well he split up with me) I'd been suspicious of a relationship with a workmate which he always denied.

when we got back together when my dd was born my cousin overheard said colleague on the phone on the bus when my dd was six weeks old talking about her pregnancy to my now dh.

I was devastated and called him and he came straight home he had only found out the week before but that deceit was huge for me. basically we struggled on for a year and a half but I couldn't forgive or forget the fact he left me pregnant to basically sleep with her and lied about it and got us in the position of another child being on the way. We were apart for over two years and got back together when I'd gotten over the hurt.

Had I been in your position that we'd been together six years and it was an actual affair and then had been hidden for ten years there's no way I could forgive. That deceit is huge and over such a long time the hurt would be massive it will completely overshadow your relationship. your trust will be gone, you will be paranoid about if he is hiding things. It will totally wreck your head and you will always feel the huge shadow of deceit over you because the person and relationship you thought you had wasn't actually real as he was lying all the time.

stitch10yearson · 29/02/2016 09:48

accept that he made a mistake, and tried to fix it without hurting people he loves. Its a crap situation, but you need to make it ok in your own head so you can live in relative peace.
He hasnt ignored the child completely. He has paid maintenance. The woman chose to have the child, he didnt.
He is still a shit for having the affair in the first place, but I dont think this is something that is irrecoverable.

CheersMedea · 29/02/2016 09:48

I think this situation is actually fairly common and far more common than anyone realises. I know two families with the same issue.

In one case, the father knew about the child but had no contact and had never mentioned it; when the child was mid 30s, they literally turned up on the doorstep. The father had been married to his wife for +30years and they had children of a same age. Once the initial shock and trauma had passed, they all developed a good relationship. Sorry to say, call me cynical, It was probably helped by the fact that the child was a bit of a star - think Bill Gates style.

In the other, the father knew and had sporadic contact. Again the disclosure of it was when the child was an adult.

I wouldn't necessarily jump up onto the "he's a liar and you must leave him." for this. It wasn't his choice to have a child and it's not really that surprising that he'd lie about it. It's obviously terrible to lie to you but completely understandable. And I don't subscribe to the "if he lied about that then what else is he lying about" argument either. This is a very specific and compartmentalised issue.

The real question for you is how you feel about it long term. Do you love him? Want to stay with him? Can you live with this? If you can and you do, then try to accept it and move on. But you have to draw a line under it otherwise it will be something you return to again and again in arguments and it will undermine any possible future relationship you have.

He said he won't see him again if I don't want him to. I haven't responded to that.

Cecil Parkinson and Sara Keays is what I say to that. He agreed to something similar and history has judged him very harshly.

It's up to you what you can live with. If your view is that is what you need to get through it, then that's your call. I wouldn't judge you - but as set out on here many people would do.