Sharing the Housework

[hazz1991]

Hi,

Im a SAHP and have been for a few years now. My DP works quite long hours and are quite tired when they get home and just wants to relax.

I can understand this but it is getting a bit frustrating that DP doesn't do anything to help around the house or the household chores. Its got worse in the last year or so and don't know if i should do something about it or I'm just being unreasonable?

I understand and agree that I should do most of the work as i am at home but i would appreciate just a little bit of help sometimes especially at the weekends when we are both at home!

Is anybody else a SAHP and feels like this? Whats the best way to go about sorting it out without causing arguments?

Thank you!

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Especially when she got me a Dyson for Christmas. FFS this is shit.

Time to consider options, I think. I would go back to work but you might decide that isn't for you. TBH I would LTB because I couldn't live with a partner that treated me like staff.

[LucySnow12]

Sorry, your W sounds very lazy. I have two girlfriends who work full time, long hours and are the main bread winners and still do half the child care - especially on the weekends. You need to build up a social network. If you're not ready to work part time then do some volunteering. Your W is acting like a 1950's dad. She is not 'entitled' to do more than you cause she earns a salary.

[tiredbuthappyworkingmum]

I work full time and am out of the house 8am to 8pm 5 days a week. DP gave up work when DDS were 1&3 and does all school runs etc. DD's now 12 & 14 so we are not in the same position as OP, thinking back 10 years I think we just let the housework slide and had lots of takeaways...
I can tell you from my perspective I don't feel that I should have to do any hoovering. I will do some laundry, food shopping and cooking at weekends and have always spent more time with DDS at weekends. I honestly feel DP has WAY more leisure time than I do and WAY less stress. I would like the house to be cleaner and there are a lot of chores that just don't get done, but I bite my tongue. DD'S are happy and confident and that is what really matters. I suspect both DP and I do get annoyed about various housekeeping issues but it seems a difficult conversation to start..

[hazz1991]

Thank you for your support. I have considered going back to work but i would feel really guilty if DD had to go into nursery the whole time and i wouldn't want to do that to her. I want her to have someone at home but i cant earn enough without both of us working I maybe could do part time but i think would be really difficult to do that and the housework still and enjoy it would be in the same position. I hope it can change soon. I don't want to admit we really have problems but i think its dawning on me there isn't really an easy way to fix this

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Well something's got to change and she clearly doesn't think it's her.

I'm still at the Dyson for Christmas. What did she get?

[hazz1991]

Yeah i was actually so upset and disappointed when i unwrapped it cant really explain. I tried to hide it though and she probably did mean well and was trying to be helpful but yeah...

I got hr a few things which she did seem to really like. Got her a piece of jewellery she really wanted and a nice hat and scarf from her favourite shop and then a few just little things i thought she would like

[nooka]

She wrapped up a vacuum cleaner for a Christmas present??? That's just bizarre. I can totally see why you were upset. Why did you hide that you were upset hazz, I think that you need to let your partner know that you are a person in your own right (that presumably your partner loves) and not just the housekeeper.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

There have been a couple of 'domestic' things I have asked for for Christmas/birthdays. My DH asks about twenty times beforehand to check, "are you sure you don't want something more fun/a surprise/something just for you?". The thought that he would give me a vacuum... Well, he just wouldn't.

[Jibberjabberjooo]

You are going to have to talk to her.

She isn't going to magically change. She sees you as a housekeeper. The fact she got you a Hoover as a Christmas present represents exactly how she see you and your role in the house. You are there to clean and bring up your child.

What's your relationship like otherwise? Do you go out together? How much time does she spend with your dd?

[MoominPie22]

Definately the crap ¨presents¨ would´ve been the tipping point for me, whereby the reality is driven home that this is how I am viewed by my partner. It´d be the last straw, if you´ve felt uncomfortable for a while, and it would have been at that point that I broached the subject and aired my grievances.

Just cos someone works in a paid job, doesn´t mean they have more value than you or are in anyway superior.

I´m a SAHM and we share all the chores and childcare 50/50 on a weekend. OK sometimes he needs reminded of this but it´s not an issue. He also puts money in my account without me ever having to ask, so that I always have enough and I feel like that money is mine. ( I realise this is overlapping with your other thread btw )

I would joke there´s no budget for his Xmas present cos he´s effectively buying it ( his money ) and he would chastise me saying the money is OURS. I think this is a very important factor in the power balance of the relationship. If I were having to regularly ask for money cos it was running out ( I´m not a spend-thrift btw ) I would find that demeaning and like I´m a kid asking for pocket money or something.

I think you said on your other thread she´s quite strict with money. As long as your budget is sorted, and you aren´t living beyond your means, she should be putting more than enough money in your account so as you shouldn´t have to ask. It sounds to me like this could be deliberate on her part, which is not a good sign.

I agree that when your daughter goes to nursery, don´t bother prioritising housework, go and have some ¨me time¨. Infact, I would stop prioritising housework as of now, even consider going on strike! But what you really need to do is confront her and stick to your guns. And if she has a problem with the way you feel.....well thatś another red flag. Cos a loving partner would be considerate and try to alleviate the problem if they were made aware how miserable their other half was feeling. This IS a very real issue. Don´t let her brush it to one side like it´s irrelevent. If this causes an argument then so be it! Get angry Don´t be a mug and settle for the quiet life to avoid rocking the boat. She should want you to be happy for Pete´s sake!

[hazz1991]

Thank you for replying. Yeah i think its really a lot worse than i ever thought it was :/ :/

Sometimes our relationship is good and she does apologise for being a bit bossy and we have some good times but not like it used to be. She does spend time with dd at the weekends and stuff but is like just the 'fun stuff' like she will play with dd for a bit but then just go off and do something else and i end up clearing up the mess.

Moominpie22 I think you're right. It does make me feel really child like when i have to ask her for money. I normally have enough for like the food shopping and stuff like tht but mot much after for anything like nice.

I know i need to try and be more assertive and stand up to her a bit but is not very easy. Im not good at getting angry either. We've had this like joke for a while that she just finds it 'really funny and cute' when i get angry. I am going to try though and try get back to how it ws because i know we still do love each other and i think she has just got a bit carried away but she does still love me

[choceclair123]

She bought and wrapped a dyson for your Christmas present?!! Really?! Omg that's soooo bizarre! What planet?? Time to put your foot down OP. No need to wait for her to tell you what you can and can't do. Tell her you've made arrangements to go to yoga class (or whatever) at the weekend and just go.

[Iggi999]

You sound like a pet
But the first few years with a child lead to a lot of adjustments for any couple, what matters is whether you stay in this rut long term.

[hazz1991]

Well i think she meant well when she bought it because we did need one nd it is really good but just yeah it isn't a christmas present its just something we need.

I don't want it to stay like this and i am going to try and change it

[MoominPie22]

Hazz I know with us, we do the food shop together and my husband pays with his card. Although I do top ups during the week also....but you should have enough for going out with your daughter and doing nice things with her. Would she have an issue coughing up for a gym membership do you think? Or an evening class?

It´s normal for budgets to need reviewed on the regular so she´s gonna have to give you more with these new interests you´ve got planned Saying that...think how much she´s been saving cos you have no social life at the mo? All the things you could´ve been doing all this time but haven´t.

I agree you need to find out what she earns and the 2 of you sit together and do the budget. And you require way more than just stuff for grocery shopping! Householdy stuff should be seperate to money for yourself only. Also, can she not put this in your own account rather than a joint one? There´s no beer icon...sexist Mumsnet! Have a manly Merlot instead.

[hazz1991]

I am actually having a wine right now :)

Im sure she would agree to like getting a gym membership as long as wasn't too expensive because she is really strict sometimes with the money. Like she checks the food shopping I've done and likes me to keep the receipts for everything.

Well yeah i don't know why its not in my account. I don't know its just how she does it but i have a card and everything for it so is ok i don't really mind.

[MoominPie22]

cheers....but definately in the near future, sit down together and find out the income and the current outgoings. Then you can discuss any extras like the things you're gonna bring up. She has saved a pretty penny with you not going out though, to be fair....

Anyway, enough. It's late and you're "listing" lol! I feel like I'm talking to your Doppelganger over here now... Not many people, let alone guys, have 2 active threads on page 1 you know??! Get you You'll have the girls all haha...

[hazz1991]

Thank you so much. Yeah i am going to try and do it this week i think. I think i just have to take a deep breath and do it and see what happens.

Yeah she has saved a lot from that and try not to ask her for more money that much. I don't know how much she has in her bank.

lol i am actually amazed and so grateful at the amount of people that have helped me and given me advice. Its so so so nice. I hope i actually don't like stop other people who need help getting as much though. This sounds bad but it is a little bit like having a social life and well chatting to people. Even though its about bad stuff its like truthfully actually the most i have had in a long time apart from like just saying hi to people at nursery.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

You could check out MN Local in your area as well. I met up with some MNers and created myself a social life.

[hazz1991]

Ooh ok i will try it. Is it just where people in your are arrange meetings?

I think if i got a bit of a social life would be a lot better and make me happier. It is difficult without a car though because the busses are so bad where we live :( but i am going to try. I do feel really isolated sometimes at home.