Sharing the Housework

[hazz1991]

Hi,

Im a SAHP and have been for a few years now. My DP works quite long hours and are quite tired when they get home and just wants to relax.

I can understand this but it is getting a bit frustrating that DP doesn't do anything to help around the house or the household chores. Its got worse in the last year or so and don't know if i should do something about it or I'm just being unreasonable?

I understand and agree that I should do most of the work as i am at home but i would appreciate just a little bit of help sometimes especially at the weekends when we are both at home!

Is anybody else a SAHP and feels like this? Whats the best way to go about sorting it out without causing arguments?

Thank you!

[hazz1991]

I do have time to do most of the housework during the day when dd goes to nursery for example so thats alright but then i always cook and wash up in the evening also but i don't mind so much because she has had a long day.

I just would appreciate sharing housework during the weekend when we are both around but thats not how she sees it so maybe have to try find a different solution. She has offered to take dd out occasionally to give me more time so that is good!

Im not sure bout going to back to work. I think maybe when DD starts school thats a possibility but i wouldn't really want to leave her that often at this age.

[hazz1991]

I suppose you are right Joysmum. I think she definitely has a lot more stress at at work than me but our hours are similar. Tbh she probably does maybe do more hours over the week than me so perhaps she is right with her point of view that my work is just spread out more over the week and weekend. I just felt like she should help at the weekend

[Joysmum]

I don't want to be right, I just would hope you'd both be able to see things from each other's point of view.

Don't get me wrong, I've had weeks where things have gone badly but my DH has always been quick to appreciate that I am a fair person and if he sees I'm struggling he'd step in.

In turn I also had to learn not to resent him when he doesn't don't notice and I had to ask for help.

Weekend we'd not really be at home anyway as we'd be out for the day and then eat on the way home. That way I didn't have to clear up and if have batch cooked anyway so it was a case of throwing in the oven some foil containers and by gong on some rice at most.

Hope you can both find some peace with this. Neither job is easy

[MrsTerryPratchett]

How many hours is DD at nursery? Because that does change things somewhat.

[HandyWoman]

Sorry, but I think one adult waiting on a perfectly fi/healthy adult, hand-and-foot during downtime (evenings/weekends) is unreasonable. And would give me the 😡

Surely it's not unreasonable for an adult to contribute practically to their own upkeep? You must feel like Cinderella!!!!

What did you enjoy doing pre school, OP? What is Hazz1991 interested in??? Time to sign up to a class every Saturday morning or weekday evening X 1 and get OUT of the house for some 'me time'. Otherwise you are st risk of losing yourself in this setup.

[HandyWoman]

Pre dc

(autocorrect fail)

[Joysmum]

Sorry, but I think one adult waiting on a perfectly fi/healthy adult, hand-and-foot during downtime (evenings/weekends) is unreasonable

Waiting on? That's the job of a servant. I'd never do that and never want that for myself.

I must of missed where the OP said he was a servant

[Thurlow]

To a degree yes, if you have some child free time 5 days a week then I don't see it as entirely wrong that the SAHP does much more of the housework.

Say if DC is in nursery 2.5 hours, 5 days a week, then you could achieve quite a lot in an hour and a half, and take an hour sitting down before collecting DC from nursery.

Similarly, the majority of 3 year olds will let you get on with some housework during the day - put the dinner on, put the washing on etc.

BUT - none of that means that the WOHP does absolutely no housework at all when they are at home, especially at the weekend. There's daily housework that is generally manageable with the average 3yo, then there's all the other housework that needs doing on a less regular basis, and BOTH people should definitely be sharing that.

You're not remotely unreasonable to expect some time to yourself, and for her to pull her weight with the housework and childcare at the weekend.

Put your foot down. Tell her some evenings it is her responsibility to make dinner. Book a class and go out some time at the weekend. Book a night out and leave her to do bedtime and the evening tidying up alone.

[dontcallmethatyoucunt]

In our house it's one up, all up. No one sits down whilst the other does chores (within reason). We have both been SAHP, and I think that helps.

Just because you work out of the home, you don't get to sit on your arse and be waited on.

For us, the SAHP did any night manoeuvres (teething, wet beds etc), but other than that chores were tackled by both. It was understood that the SAHP, did the majority of the grunt work during the day (depending on activities, which may mean nothing got done), then the rest was shared.
Just because you are a SAHP, that doesn't make your job 24/7, that's fucking ridiculous.

When I was a SAHP I did a lot of professional exams and my husband cooked every night, team effort.

[BackforGood]

Blimey - major drip feed there - so you have 1, 3yr old dc, who goes to Nursery , and yet you still expect an adult who is working outside the home, FT, to contribute equally to work you are choosing to do at the weekend ?

[hazz1991]

Well she goes to nursery twice a week for 3 hours but thats it. But maybe i am being unreasonable :/ but most people on here seem to think we should be able to share it.

DP normally makes most of the decisions. I don't really mind doing all of the housework because she does work and earn all of our money. But i think maybe i would feel better if i felt a bit more appreciated rather than just expected to do it all

[hazz1991]

Yeah i feel like i haven't had much proper 'me' time in quite a while. I enjoy just reading, settling down with a nice book but haven't been able to do that for ages. so would be nice to do that or maybe a class sometime is a good idea! I used to do yoga sometimes

[MrsTerryPratchett]

So 6 child free hours per week? Yeah, I've changed my mind. Unless DP has long lunch hours you can get all the deep cleaning done in six hours! What do you do with your six hours?

I still think whomever cooks doesn't wash up and vice versa.

[DontMindMe1]

i don't see this as being any different than when a man sees it that all the housework is my responsibility whether she is at home or not It's a load of site when they say it and it's a load of shite when your dp says it.

do you seriously believe that your contribution in terms of work, time, effort and health is worth less simply because your 'job' doesn't pay an income?

she'd have to pay someone to do all the housework if you weren't around. She's not 'earning' money when she's clocked off work so there's no excuse to have you skivvying about after her in the evenings and weekends.

How about you organise a rota where you 'clock on' the moment you wake up and go 'clock off' once she comes home? She can't dictate your 'working hours' to you, so she'll have to work with you, each of you get time 'free time', time with dd, and time to do chores - EACH OF YOU.

[BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep]

as you do not get me time at the weekend, I would take what is left of those six hours as time off.

one would expect some housework to get done while you have a three year old around, but generally they need a lot of attention. baking, craft activities, and toys make a hell of a mess and a lot of work.

shovelling snow in a blizzard with a teaspoon is exactly how it feels. evenings should be equally off. (stop doing stuff and sit down) weekends should be equally off. (though I would take those 5 hours in the week as down time and do some cleaning while she looks after the little one as then you are guaranteed those and they are the equivalent of five lunch hours... ) oh and not six full hours as some of it will be commuting to nursery and back.

I think she needs to see what it is like looking after a three year old all day and see how much she gets done all day.

[BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep]

dh once muttered the words I can't wash up and watch the children.... and got the look meaning that he therefore could not expect anyone else to do it either.





I foresee a crisis at your mothers? possibly another reli... or perhaps you are coming down with something? sometime one saturday.

it was only when I was ill did ex realise that I did rather a lot more cleaning and tidying than it first appeared.

[Philoslothy]

I think equal leisure time is the key. When I worked DH did more around the house than me to ensure that we both had down time.

Now I do a good 80-90% and still have about double the leisure time he has. We do take it in turns ( as do the children) in clearing up after dinner though.

[Iggi999]

Why is nursery only twice a week?
The issue with just cleaning then is that it builds up again so fast. An hour a day would be more useful than three hours X 2 days.
I don't know if you've ever written down what you do in a week. There are many different ways of being at home. My dh would Facebook while keeping one eye on a DC watching a DVD. I would run round baking and sorting out cupboards then go to the park. How do you spend your days?
I still think no one has the right to opt out of housework altogether. How do single people manage? Before you had a child presumably you both did it then. Your phrase about her making the decisions is creepy, frankly.

[TheBunnyOfDoom]

The way I see it, while your partner is out of the house (so say, 8-6 or whatever), you do whatever needs to be done at home - cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. but when they get home, they have to chip in and help as well.

Working outside the home doesn't mean you do nothing in the home!

[Jibberjabberjooo]

The way I see it is if you're both at home you both get on with whatever needs doing.

Why should only one person get to relax?

Just because you work outside of the home doesn't mean inside the home you get to do fuck all.

Does your DD not get her 15 hours yet? Use them!

[Anomaly]

I think you should rethink your days. I would use the time DD is at nursery to relax, read a book etc. That way you're having some proper 'me' time.

[Joysmum]

I think the crux of this is what you see as being work.

For me, I loved playing with my DD and having quality time with her. I didn't see that as childcare or work. Likewise whenever DH was home our family time together or his alone playing with DD, putting her to bed or bathing her wasn't work.

It was vital he had as much spare time when not working to do actually do those things as he had such little home time as it was. To expect him to waste time on unimportant housework instead of parenting was robbing my DD of her father and him of her.

That's rely unfair. What was best for all of us was DH doing as much parenting as possible. Parenting means playing tidying up games as you go along together etc but not cleaning or chores which could be done when he wasn't home.

It's not fair to see leisure time with your kids as work when your partner would love to have more of that but can't.

The exception is when your child is going through a 'stage' and much of your time with them is stressful. Then it is more akin to a piss poorly paid job with no prospects and an unreasonable boss!

[Gwenhwyfar]

As a single, childless person, I don't really understand those who say that the working parent shouldn't have to do ANY housework at all, not even on the weekends. Everyone has to do some housework surely? Otherwise it really is as if they're being waited on by servants.

[hazz1991]

Thanks for your comments.
I do have a little bit of time to myself once she is at nursery and I've done the cleaning. Not very much though. I thought about maybe changing the nursery hours or I could try taking her 3 days a week. It takes me about 20minutees to walk to nursery though so that's like 40 minutes just travelling so can't really take her for any less time than 3 hours otherwise no point.

Why is it creepy?? I think in every relationship there is someone who is slightly more leading/decision making and I was just saying it's her.

I see your point joysmum. That's why I don't mind so much doing everything during the week so dp can relax/play with dd. Just the weekends is what gets to me but she is really reluctant. Just plays with dd instead. I could try suggest getting a cleaner but seems like bit of a waste of money.

I have thought about going back to work but I think dd is just too young to not have a parent at home and be at nursery the whole time. Also would struggle what job to do.

[witsender]

What housework needs doing at the weekends? I ask because maybe it could be left, or rejigged onto weekdays? I am far from a believer that Sahp means cleaner, but equally it always worked well in our house to try to have dull stuff done during the week so we could spend time together at the weekend.

All that happens at the weekend is washing up after meals which takes all of 10 mins, a load of washing and maybe a hoover. Half an hour Max over the 2 days.