Sharing the Housework

[hazz1991]

Hi,

Im a SAHP and have been for a few years now. My DP works quite long hours and are quite tired when they get home and just wants to relax.

I can understand this but it is getting a bit frustrating that DP doesn't do anything to help around the house or the household chores. Its got worse in the last year or so and don't know if i should do something about it or I'm just being unreasonable?

I understand and agree that I should do most of the work as i am at home but i would appreciate just a little bit of help sometimes especially at the weekends when we are both at home!

Is anybody else a SAHP and feels like this? Whats the best way to go about sorting it out without causing arguments?

Thank you!

[witsender]

And tbh, 1 3 yr old, especially one who is at nursery 2 sessions a week is not all that hard work.

[hazz1991]

Well yeah I try to do everything during the week.
The weekend is just meal preparation and yeah washing up and stuff and then tidying up after dd that kind of thing. Which no doesn't take the whole day but would be nice to have help doing it

[Iggi999]

Speak for your own three year old! Mine can demolish a tidy room in three mins. Not to mention the penchant for mud, paint and playdoh.

[Lovewearingjeans]

Is it the down time that gets to you? When I was a SAHM, the fact that when we were all on holiday, I still ended up doing the same chores. You need time off too, otherwise it does feel like 24/7. I am rubbish at housework, and hate it, which is why I went back to work. And my DH is expected to do some stuff, like iron his shirts.

[Jibberjabberjooo]

There is no reason why your dw can't wash up at a weekend, cook and help out with dd. It seems to be that she makes all the decisions.

To be honest I think she's taking the piss. She's treating you like the hired help. Just because she works outside the home and gets paid for it doesn't mean she can do fuck all when she's at home, it just doesn't work like that. You're supposed to be a team. One person should not be sitting relaxing whilst the other is still working their arse off clearing up. You don't seem to have a very equal relationship.

[choceclair123]

I think you should be able to get the housework done during the week when your lo is at nursery. However, at the weekend I think your wife should be equally sharing the load in terms of tidying up, meal prep, dishes, childcare, etc. I'm a SAHM and my husband works 9 to 4.30. My lo doesn't go to nursery and we go to quite a few tots groups, music classes etc during the week which all takes time in getting ready, travelling etc. I do all of the main cleaning during the week and we take it in turns to cook in the evening, whoever doesn't cook does the dishes and cleans the kitchen. My husband baths our lo most nights and gets her ready for bed. I then take her to bed and my husband finishes off tidying any toys etc away.

At the weekend we both pitch in equally wort looking after our lo, preparing meals, cleaning up etc.

I am also studying most evenings...

Looking after a child is a job in itself and just because you don't earn any money for doing it doesn't mean it's not work. There's a lot more than meets the eye to being a Sahp. Maybe you should let your wife try job swapping for a while and let her experience it for herself whilst you sit with your feet up with a good book!

I do actually think your wife is being unrealistic with her expectations. You both deserve to have an equal amount of downtime of which tbh there isn't much when you have a young child.

[hazz1991]

Yeah it's not having the down time or me time that is getting to me. And yeah it just feels constant don't really get much of a break even at weekends. It might get better when dd gets a bit older but is hard at the moment.

I have tried suggesting sharing the housework and stuff at the weekends before but she never agrees to it. Then just ends in an argument so I've just let it go.

I also want time to do like romantics stuff and couplet stuff to but we don't really get to do much of that either like going out in the evenings or something.

[hazz1991]

I think it would help for her to experience what it's actually like being a SAHP but she wouldn't agree to doing that and that's why I became a SAHP So she didn't have to give up her career

[DontMindMe1]

well if she is so selfish and self centred and thinks so little of you and your feelings - why are you still with her?

[HandyWoman]

Sounds like she gets to veto pretty much every aspect of your lives. The only real freedom you have seems to be when she's at work. Time to start doing things you enjoy during the day when the dd is at nursery.

But tbh I'd be reassessing whether she actually really respects you, since you have sorted slipped below your dd to third rank in the pecking order?

[Jibberjabberjooo]

Ask her when your time to relax is. She clearly doesn't appreciate anything you do in the home. It holds little value.

[Offred]

I think unless you are in the OP's house it is not fair to make comments about how much housework he should be able to get through.

I have found since moving from exh's (old, bigger, dusty) 1860s house to a smaller 1960s council house I can get through all the housework in less than 1 hour today where I was always playing catch up and never done in the other house. It's not exh making mess either as I lived there alone with the kids for 18 months.

So no judgement about how much housework someone should be able to do from me!

Op, granted I have 4 DC including twins but when I was a married SAHM (student and volunteer) I expected h to share the work that I hadn't managed to get done and I think that's fair really providing you aren't just sitting around and leaving it for your partner to do. One person should not be expected to work longer hours than the other.

[Offred]

*1 hour a day

[MummyBex1985]

It's a difficult one isn't it! Every couple has different dynamics.

Your OH, like me, is out of the house at work for around 12 hours a day... But you are at home, so I'm inclined to say you should be doing the vast majority of the tasks (although maybe not all if you're knackered). I've been on both sides (and when I was a SAHM I did everything because to me, that felt like the right thing to do), but even with four kids, I can honestly say that I still find being at home much easier than working a stressful job and then effectively having to come home and still do half the housework! My days off are spent cleaning and washing.

That aside - your OH needs to recognise if you're struggling and offer some help and downtime! That's about having respect for the person you're with.

I work long hours and still do the vast majority of the housework and nearly all the cooking (despite being out of the house more than my DH) but I'd have no qualms in downing tools and asking my DH to take over if I was too tired to do it. And he would do it, because a relationship is about give and take and understanding when the other person needs some help!

Maybe you need to compromise - put your DD in nursery so you can chill out once a week, or both ignore housework etc on a Saturday and worry about it later so you both have a free day each week. Get a takeaway so you don't have to cook, organise play dates for your DC so she doesn't need constant attention from you - all sorts of small things can help.

[Offred]

You are not doing half though are you? You find it harder because you are doing 'the vast majority' of housework as well as working longer hours in a stressful job. No wonder you find it easier being at home.

No-one is suggesting the op's partner does 'the vast majority' of the housework, just that she share the housework when she is home and that they get equal free time.

I think you need to have a word with your partner tbh, stepping in once in a while when you can't manage anymore is not 'give and take'.

[Jibberjabberjooo]

It's not just about housework though, I think it's about how at the weekend the OH still thinks that the OP should do all the tidying up and sorting their dd out.

Why if they're both home at a weekend should the op still be doing everything just because he's a sahp. If you're both home you share the load. Why does one person get to sit and relax whilst the other doesn't?

The OH sees her work as more important.

[Iggi999]

Mummybex you talk about give and take but your dh is definitely doing more taking in the scenario you describe!
OP I think the route to leisure time for you will only come through you being out of the house - does anything like that interest you, go running or watch a football game or just lunch with a friend, at the weekend.
If your dp decides you can, of course (still think that sounds creepy)

[nooka]

When my dh was a SAHD I didn't expect to do any of the housework, and I didn't as he did it all in the week. I did expect to share cooking and clearing up at the weekend though. Oh and I was certainly very appreciative to have a clean house, cared for children and nice food!

I don't think it makes much sense to compare to a single person really. Sure you'd cook for yourself and clean your own home, but then you'd also not be financially supporting your family either. Very different dynamics.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"I don't think it makes much sense to compare to a single person really. Sure you'd cook for yourself and clean your own home, but then you'd also not be financially supporting your family either."

Well, no, but you'd be working wouldn't you? So if a single person can work full time and prepare a few basic meals on the weekend, why can't a working person with a family? Some providers may be working longer hours than some single persons, but not necessarily.

[HandyWoman]

hazz1991 doesn't seem to have much a voice in her house. That's the problem really. She sounds like Cinderella, never gets out of the house, never gets leisure time. It's taking SAHP too far IMO.

[Ticktacktock]

Have you actually read this thread Handy?

[HandyWoman]

Er yup.

[Iggi999]

Handy, they mean OP is a man I think. Though not actually clear from this thread, could be a female couple, but I know from other threads it's not.
OP I read what your dw got you for Christmas and I think you really need to reestablish yourself as an individual not just a housekeeper. Kitchen stuff fine if you want it (I'd like most of the Lakeland catalogue!) but only if that's like a hobby for you.

[hazz1991]

Thankyou for your comments. Yeah sorry I am actually a man and it's my wife that works.

It's the lack of leisure time that gets to me yep and just being stuck in the house a lot. We only have one car which is dp's and she takes it to work. The busses where we live arent very regular so is difficult to go out sometimes.

She does work long hours so I understand she doesn't want to do anything and I've been doing All the housework on weekends and stuff for a while now which is alright but I've kinda only just realised our relationship has changed a bit. Especially when she got me a Dyson for Christmas. Which has been really good and is so much better than our last one but not what I want to get for Christmas...

I'm just unsure where to go from here. I don't want to get into lots of arguments and ruin our relationship. I think I'm going to try have another nursery day for dd in the week and try use that time for just relaxing and doing what I want to do amd maybe she will eventually change her mind about doing stuff on weekends.

[SeaCabbage]

It sounds wierd that at the weekends she can just sit there while you are cooking, washing up and tidying up. She sounds awful. Sorry.

You hardly get any leisure time in the week. I can see why it feels relentless to you.

I wouldn't wait for her to eventually change her mind about doing stuff at the weekends. It will never happen.

You sound powerless and sad. I really hope you can change the dynamics in your relationship soon.