Should I just End this relationship?

[HalloumiToastie]

DP and I are on the verge of splitting up. we have a two year old dd and have been together 4 and half years.

He snooped at my phone a couple of weeks ago and saw a conversation I had with my sister. It was basically a link to an article about narcissists behaviour and explained why I haven't been able to be intimate with him for a while (the never apologise therefore never resolved part). I say snooped because my phone is in a flip case with a magnetic clasp and pass-coded. He claims it fell off the drawers and flipped open to the conversation with my sister.

HUGE back-story is that every time he's kissed me/cuddled me/said he loves me during the last few months it's made me cringe inside. Having spent the last few months mulling over this I realised it was down to the rows we've had where he called me a c&*t and another time where he just kept on and on at me for over an hour about something totally insignificant. Another time he shouted when our daughter was nursing. and another time he came right up to my face nose-to nose.

Following the snooping, which was while I was putting daughter to bed, He didn't tell me he'd seen it, he just went all uncommunicative and snippy and went to bed in the spare room. it was only when I told him the following day that I suspected what had happened that he owned up.

He has never apologised for any of the things he's done. He'll just wake up the following morning and act like it never happened and if I mention any of it I'm the one causing the problem. I just feel nothing ever gets resolved and I'm not allowed to express my hurt and unhappiness at his actions. During the last few months I've felt so lonely and unloved. We no longer have ANY physical intimacy, not even holding hands.

He's never had a high sex drive and I do wonder if the only reason he ever had sex with me was to produce our daughter (we're both early forties so was pretty much last-chance saloon). We've had sex only once every 3 or 4 months since dd was born and these were at my instigation.

Another thing he does is say something deliberately contentious then when I pull him up on it say that he was only joking and that I've no sense of humour. I've got a sense of humour if it's funny!

Currently we're at loggerheads. He says all our problems are of my making and I'm just desperately wanting him to be sorry.
I don't want to have to uproot dd and I hate the thought of not seeing her on dps weekends.

I'm just so lonely and at my wits end.

[Marchate]

The issues with exes is typical of abusers. It was always the woman's fault

Spying on your personal messages is highly abusive, no matter what excuses they use

Saying something nasty then claiming it was humorous is textbook

He's an abusive partner, despite being nice in between incidents

It's sad but has to be faced, whatever you decide to do

[HalloumiToastie]

The past he refers to is ours not exes. I'm not remotely interested in his exes although I do drive past his exes house every day. It would be so easy to knock on her door and ask for her side of the story.

I do have wobbles where I think it's me and I should just get over the being called names and the phone snooping.
My exes include one who kicked my dog and ultimately ended up kicking in my front door after I left him. And another one who was emotionally abusive but I hadn't allowed him to move in with me so it was easier to split.
In the few weeks since my first post I have already stopped fighting back so to speak.

[Marchate]

Btw, did you say the Relate counsellor suggested joint counselling? That is against current recommendations where there is (or could be) abuse in the relationship

[HalloumiToastie]

The relate counsellor did indeed suggest joint counselling and I'd be surprised if she wasn't aware of the recommendations as she counsels violent offenders.
The ' little self insight' thing is helpful. I'd never thought of it like that. Kind of always thought that with discussion and explanation I'd be able to make him understand.

[HalloumiToastie]

I'm really struggling. He's been so normal the last few days but still I don't feel I can be happy with him. He bought me some really thoughtful gifts. I think I'm just waiting for the next argument or bad joke. He's agreed to go see the counsellor but only to say it's all my fault. I just can't get through to him. All I want is for him to show some genuine remorse for the hurt he caused me and for him to be great going forwards. He was such a lovely guy when we first met. It seems that since I became a mother he's got steadily worse. I have a constant knot in my stomach and feel on the edge of tears. I don't feel strong enough to deal with the fallout which would happen if I left. If I tell him I'm going I'll have at least a month of hell with him and if I leave suddenly I'll still have the hell of access arguments. Then there's the Unknown quantity of how he'd be...would he become violent? He was speaking to our Dd the other day saying things like 'daddy won't be around much longer'. I thought that was unsettling and something o never thought he'd do. Not sure why I'm posting really just need a hand hold.

[bb888]

You can't live like this, it will destroy you. Do you have to give him a months notice of leaving? It will just give him a month to get more abusive. Sorry you are having to do this. Leaving will make things harder in the short term but when you come out the other side you will feel so much better.

[TheNaze73]

All the signs are there for you to get out. Nobody should put up with that

[HalloumiToastie]

The months notice is so I can move into the house I currently rent out and give my employer notice. I just can't seem to find the strength to do it. It's all the upheaval and the niggling doubt in my mind. Is it all me? Am I depressed and taking things out on him? I have been generally miserable since last may ( the name calling incident). I just can't get over the level of contempt he must feel towards me to call me fat and then of course looking at my phone. He stil insists it fell off and opened.
I am angry as well as upset but I never voice it in any way as a) I'm wary of his response b) never in front of did and c) it's pointless as he just says its all my fault.
If I just woke up happy he'd be me perfect for a while before the next unpredictable event but there's still be no whiff of an apology or intimacy.
Do I expect too much? I'd like to feel loved and fancied again.

[HalloumiToastie]

Typo. He never called me fat; should have said 'that'.

[Jan45]

No you don't expect too much, it's decent courtesy to show respect and support for your partner, he just uses you as someone to take his moods out on and put you down, so no definitely not expecting too much, he sounds horrible, you must break free from this, it's neither healthy or normal for you or your child.

[HalloumiToastie]

Just bumping again because I need a talking to.
Last night he I asked him why he was angry with me (as he'd been very abrupt). He slammed the laptop shut, said he 'didn't have time for this shit' and went to bed.
I just keep beating my head against the brick wall don't I? I cried myself to sleep wondering where the man I met has gone.
He is ill and awaiting a diagnosis but surely it can't warrant the behaviour of the last few months can it? I still have wobbles where I think it's me.

[Epilepsyhelp]

It's not you. You need to leave. As soon as you possibly can

[Headagainstwall]

It's not you. Also don't base any decisions on this upcoming health diagnosis. They all get 'ill' when you're about to leave. My ex pretended to have cancer & even shaved his head (idiot). Stop questioning yourself. Focus on what you need to do for you & DD

[HalloumiToastie]

He's definitely Ill as its been ongoing for a while but he's always insisted ( to the point of him being irritated) that it doesn't bother him. However now it's being used as the reason he is being angry ( apparently by asking him to apologise for his past behaviour it means I don't care how ill he is) . But really it doesn't excuse name calling, withdrawing, snooping at my phone and gaslighting does it? Sorry to harp on. Having a difficult day.

[Stormtreader]

It would be a marvellous world, wouldnt it, if we could act exactly how we pleased, say whatever we wanted, and then expect everyone else to wake up the next day and say "thats all in the past, lets just move on."

Unfortunately people dont work that way. If he wants you to wake up smiley and happy then he has to do his part to help achieve that. If he spends all day ignoring your needs, and that makes you sad, then he has caused that, not you. Its his behaviour thats at fault, not your lack of some magical kind of silent amnesia to be happy in spite of everything.

[pocketsaviour]

OP have you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft? It might help you to see things more clearly.

I also think that rather than spending money on a Relate counsellor who thinks your partner is abusive but that you should come and see her together anyway you should find a good therapist for yourself.

Is your sister supportive of you? Have you spoken to her about leaving? Or your dad?

[HalloumiToastie]

Haven't read Lundy Bancroft but from the web the 'water torturer' seems about right.
Sister is really supportive. I haven't yet spoken to my dad. I feel a bit embarrassed about it. My mum was surprisingly understanding though.

I've tonight been subjected to a 15 minute tirade about how I've coerced him into going to see counsellor and how he's 'documented' everything I've said over the last few weeks and he's going to list them all to counsellor. I'm trying to 'disengage' and not let him hurt me but it's difficult.
He seems so ridiculously illogical that I can't believe it's the same man.

[Marchate]

These men love counsellors! They know how to play the game - 'poor, innocent, mistreated me'

[HalloumiToastie]

Do you think the counsellor will fall for it? Seemed pretty switched on to me. I guess I was hoping that a professional would be able to set him out but based on tonight he seems too far gone.

[Custard314]

What hygge said.
He sounds abusive. You cringe when he touches you. It sounds torture.

There isn't a therapist in the world who could fix it. If he is a narcissist he will never, ever accept that he has done anything wrong so try to accept that.

[Custard314]

The advice is NOT to go to a therapist when dealing with an abusive man. They can and they do twist things, make it all about their hurt feelings, their disappointments. You don't need a 'case' to want to end the relationship. You don't need a defence either.

[bb888]

Absolutely, you don't need to justify why you don't want to be in the relationship anymore, and his behaviour is a million miles away from how someone who actually cared what you thought or how you felt would behave.
I find myself doing the same re the reasons to leave. Must try to stop it!

[HalloumiToastie]

Well, that was a tough few days. Tension built ridiculously since I last posted. His visit to relate on the Thursday seems to have been a catalyst for escalation or maybe it was just coincidence. However, on Friday he ranted and raved, threw furniture and glasses. Then he threatened suicide and woke our toddler to say goodbye. He then gave me the ultimatum ( at 11pm) that either we're trying again or I need to pack my bags and leave without dd.
Needless to say, I am now terrified of him as who knows what the next stage would be. I stayed and planned and made my departure yesterday while he was at work.

[Only1scoop]

Oh Op that sounds awful thank goodness you have left.

Are you safe now?

[HalloumiToastie]

Hopefully yes. I'm just wary that he'll turn up and cause trouble. So far it's just been messages to ask me to return.
I still don't feel relaxed and wish I could fast forward the next few weeks, get my home sorted and access arrangements.
He's being apologetic at the moment but I'm fairly sure anger will set in soon.