Should I just End this relationship?

[HalloumiToastie]

DP and I are on the verge of splitting up. we have a two year old dd and have been together 4 and half years.

He snooped at my phone a couple of weeks ago and saw a conversation I had with my sister. It was basically a link to an article about narcissists behaviour and explained why I haven't been able to be intimate with him for a while (the never apologise therefore never resolved part). I say snooped because my phone is in a flip case with a magnetic clasp and pass-coded. He claims it fell off the drawers and flipped open to the conversation with my sister.

HUGE back-story is that every time he's kissed me/cuddled me/said he loves me during the last few months it's made me cringe inside. Having spent the last few months mulling over this I realised it was down to the rows we've had where he called me a c&*t and another time where he just kept on and on at me for over an hour about something totally insignificant. Another time he shouted when our daughter was nursing. and another time he came right up to my face nose-to nose.

Following the snooping, which was while I was putting daughter to bed, He didn't tell me he'd seen it, he just went all uncommunicative and snippy and went to bed in the spare room. it was only when I told him the following day that I suspected what had happened that he owned up.

He has never apologised for any of the things he's done. He'll just wake up the following morning and act like it never happened and if I mention any of it I'm the one causing the problem. I just feel nothing ever gets resolved and I'm not allowed to express my hurt and unhappiness at his actions. During the last few months I've felt so lonely and unloved. We no longer have ANY physical intimacy, not even holding hands.

He's never had a high sex drive and I do wonder if the only reason he ever had sex with me was to produce our daughter (we're both early forties so was pretty much last-chance saloon). We've had sex only once every 3 or 4 months since dd was born and these were at my instigation.

Another thing he does is say something deliberately contentious then when I pull him up on it say that he was only joking and that I've no sense of humour. I've got a sense of humour if it's funny!

Currently we're at loggerheads. He says all our problems are of my making and I'm just desperately wanting him to be sorry.
I don't want to have to uproot dd and I hate the thought of not seeing her on dps weekends.

I'm just so lonely and at my wits end.

[Friendlystories]

Could you look for work nearer your mum and share the house you own? Just trying to think of alternatives you may not have considered.

[HalloumiToastie]

Thanks for the replies. I really don't want to move back to my house. My mum and get on OK but have totally different personalities and expectations around house tidiness! Coupled with her partner being a nob I don't think it would work.

Also, the 70 mile move would mean moving from a nice quite rural location back to built-up town (and not a particularly nice one).

The nursery dd is in at the moment is lovely and I'd feel dreadful moving her. The schools her are much better too.

It just feels like I have no good options.

[pluck]

Sorry you are going through this, but please put aside any resentment about the housing situation.

Your "nice quiet rural location" is subsidising a horrible home life, for you and, eventually, for your DD. It will also be easier for you to get a job in that "built-up town", and your transport costs will be a lot lower.

You're really not trapped. There is a way to get out of this.

[RB68]

Personally I would investigate going full time now. With income behind you it may be feasible to rent a small place near to your job, keep little one in her nursery and leave Mum where she is with a longer term view to give notice to Mum and sell property to buy somewhere local to you now. If her partner is a knob you may have trouble getting them out as even if she is your Mum she is in a relationship with someone who doesn't like you anyway. Another option is if you are not charging market rent is to put that up as well providing you with some extra income at the same time.

This waiting till he sees you relax and then setting off another round of arguments is abusive in itself as you have no emotional security - its almost designed to keep you on edge and upset you and make you easy to control - the over protectiveness is another sign that he will be controlling with your daughter as well.

Sit down and objectively work out the options and then look at what fits emotionally for you

[RB68]

ps the "no good" options is short term don't let that shut the door to leaving an abusive relationship

[HalloumiToastie]

I'm going to try and get through Christmas.

I'm also going to speak to my mum about what may happen and my dad too. He has room for me and dd on a temporary basis but I don't know if they'd like it.

my dad and stepmum (who is lovely) are supposed to be coming to stay with us Christmas eve until boxing day so that should make things easier.

At the moment DP isn't speaking to me as I said yesterday that we couldn't go on like this. He said he'll only speak to me though solicitors as he wants to take dd. How we're supposed to live together on that basis I don't know. He usually calms down after a day or so so I'm hoping he does that this time. I just can't stand the upheaval before Christmas.

[Friendlystories]

You have to do this at your own pace OP and it makes sense to have all your ducks in a row before you do anything. Use this time to do what RB has suggested and work out what's going to fit practically and emotionally, just knowing you're taking affirmative action may well give you the strength to get through Christmas. We're here if you need someone to bounce ideas off or just a sympathetic ear

[NameChange30]

Your partner is emotionally abusive. If you're not sure about that label, please read these signs of emotional abuse. You could also read the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Please contact Women's Aid to get their advice about ending the relationship safely (you know he was arrested before so you know he could turn physically aggressive) and see if they can recommend a solicitor with experience of supporting women in abusive relationships. They should also be able to advise you about housing options and benefits or point you in the direction of someone who can.

It sounds to me like you don't want to move back into your house (the one your mum is renting from you) because it's too far away from your job and DD's nursery? In that case could you use the rent she is paying to to rent somewhere else while you decide what to do long-term?

[NameChange30]

Thymeout I strongly disagree with your post (21.35). Counselling is not recommended for abusive relationships.

[HalloumiToastie]

Counselling wouldn't be an option as we have no-one to look after dd and couldnt take her with us. Also, I really don't think he would go as he believes the problem is me.

I did go to relate alone a couple of weeks ago (sorry to drip feed but my original post was long enough) and am on the waiting list to speak to a counsellor after xmas.

AnotherEmma. The rent from my mum pays the mortgage on that property. You're quite right the nursery and the job are things I don't want to leave unless I have to.

I've just looked at the 30 signs and he is a few of them. There are 2 or 3 of them that could be said about me - i.e withdrawing etc but I really think these are as a response to his behaviour (when I was married for 8 years I never behaved like that in any way)

[NameChange30]

It's good news that you're on the waiting list for counselling, I'm sure that will be helpful.

Do you have good support from family/friends - you mentioned your sister? What about your dad and stepmum? (I'm guessing that since you don't like your mum's partner and the way he treats her, she wouldn't be a good person to talk to for relationship advice.

At some point, sooner or later, I think you will need to sell your house and use the equity to buy a house for you and DD which is close to your work (and/or a place where you can find another job if necessary). Unless you have a lot of equity you would still need to get a mortgage, which might be difficult on a PT salary, but it's worth looking into (talk to a mortgage adviser maybe?)

If your mum wants to carry on living in the house, is there any chance she could buy you out? If she does this I think she would need to pay a fair price - you need that money for you and DD.

In the meantime, there are several ways you could supplement your income before selling the house:

• Ask your mum to pay more rent - again I think this would be fair because you need to support yourself and your DD
  
• Increase your hours at work
  
• Talk to CAB about any tax credits or other benefits you could get - this will be affected by the house you own but it's worth checking
  
• Once you have split with your partner you will be entitled to child maintenance from him (if you have DD more than half the time, which you are likely to given that you're currently her main carer)
  

Anyway, as I said before I think your best bet is to talk to Women's Aid and get their advice as well as recommendations for solicitors. You may need to go the legal route for a contact agreement with your (hopefully) STBXP and will probably need to go through the child maintenance agency to get him to pay... Since he is abusive I very much doubt he will be reasonable. One thing to be thankful for is that you're not married so you won't have to go through a divorce, it will just be arrangements for DD that you have to sort out.

You can do it!

[HalloumiToastie]

Friends 70miles away yes. Friends here, no. Dad and stepmum are lovely and would probably help out but they both work full time and have busy social lives.

Definitely wouldn't ask mum for advice. She wouldn't/couldn't afford to pay more rent. Her idiot partner grumbles about the amount now, despite it being less than market rent. Since there isn't a formal tenancy agreement in place, I could in theory just turn up and move back in but I wouldn't want to do this.

I've certainly got a lot to think about and all options seem to point to moving back.

If I didn't get housing benefit here (because of property I own), the amount i'd need from dp would be circa 350 on top of half the childcare costs so that isn't going to happen is it.

[financialwizard]

However you work it you do have to get the hell out for the sake of your DD ASAP

[NameChange30]

Do you mean £350/month? The amount he would have to give you depends on his income and the contact agreement for DD. Look at CMO for info and a calculator.

Is the house you're living in atm (with your partner and DD) owned or rented, and is it in joint names or his name only? I'm assuming it's in his name only (since you own somewhere else) and you would therefore need to move out?

If so I wonder if you and DD could stay with your Dad and stepmum for a bit - just while you sort out finances and a new place to live? Is their house close enough to your work and DD's nursery?

I do think when deciding where to live long term you need to consider your employment options - not just your current job but future earning potential - as well as nursery and schools for DD. Having family support nearby would be a bonus but only if they are supportive and have time to help out. Otherwise I think you could make it work wherever you are, as long as you have a good job and your DD has a good nursery/school.

In the short term though I think you should make it your priority to leave your abusive partner. If that means a temporary housing solution for a little while, so be it.

[Thymeout]

AnotherEmma - I know that couples counselling is not recommended where there's abuse. But that doesn't rule out counselling on an individual basis.

In an earlier post, Op said she was struggling to see her dp as an abuser. She may be right, she may be wrong, but I'm glad that she, at least, is on the list for counselling and hope that her dp will change his mind. If he doesn't, even when the alternative is the break-up of the family, then at least she will have the satisfaction of having tried every avenue.

[NameChange30]

Thymeout
"I'm glad that she, at least, is on the list for counselling and hope that her dp will change his mind."
So are you advocating couple's counselling or not? This comment seems to suggest that you are.
I agree that individual counselling for the OP is a good idea, but I disagree with the rest of your post. I don't think there is any question that her partner is abusive. And I don't think she has to "try every avenue", she has to do what she can to protect herself from his abuse, and gather the mental strength and practical resources to leave him.

[Thymeout]

Anyone who's been through a break-up will know that there will be times in the future, even many years ahead, when dcs are unhappy and show signs of the damage that they have suffered as a result.

It will be a lot easier for Op to live with this if she feels that she's done everything possible to try to save the relationship before she ends it.

I think they both need counselling, whether together or separately I would leave to an expert to decide. At the very least, they need a functioning relationship to be able to co-parent successfully if they do split up.

[NameChange30]

Totally disagree, you are being very naive and might benefit from reading about abusive men and abusive relationships.
It's in the children's best interest to END the relationship, not continue at all costs. An abusive relationship has a far more negative impact on a child's happiness than parental separation does.

OP, you would probably get better advice if you got this thread moved to Relationships or started a new thread there.

[HalloumiToastie]

Thank you for all your replies.

He's now in the good phase, which usually lasts a few weeks.

I'm going to get through Christmas and see how I go. I'll see the counsellor when appointments come through and in the meantime check out what benefits I could be entitled to. I'll also speak to mum, and dad and see how they'd be fixed if I needed to stay for a short while.

I do feel stronger having taken on board all the comments so thank you all.

[HalloumiToastie]

Don't know if anyone's still watching but... We scraped through Christmas and now things have taken a nose dive. I can't say we've had a huge row or anyhting but I'm really angry with him and he seems angry with me too. I went to relate again and the counsellor suggested couples counselling but she also said there were a few red flags and that I should apply for info under Clare's law and possibly see a solicitor to be sure about parental rights. She also said that things tend to escalate when you come to leave. I've asked him to come to counselling and after his initial refusal he's agreed as he'd like to tell the counsellor that it all me and I need to stop living in the past. I'm really struggling to reconcile the guy who cleans, shops, works so hard and buys lovely gifts with an abuser.

[Salunabaluna]

It's not all you and you know that right?

Are you really angry with him because of a new reason?

Certainly I think you should access info through Clare's law. How would you feel if you did discover anything?

[Salunabaluna]

Fwiw I struggled with bringing the two sides together of my ex. I read a little about cognitive dissonance required to live in an abusive situation and the toll it takes, which shed some light on it for me.

[HalloumiToastie]

Angry because I've swallowed it down for so long and because we've had a few minor skirmishes where he's denied, revised history and refused to apologise. Apparently according to him if I wake up in the morning all smiley and happy we can be a happy family again. I just have to let go of the past And stop brining it up. F Clare's law did come back with something I think I'd have to leave immediately. I'd still feel doubtful but it would be confirmation that it's not me. Will look up cognitive dissonance. Thanks

[Salunabaluna]

Do you mean he's denying his part in the minor skirmishes? And then expects you to completely drop it even though he won't apologise? So he wants you to be completely happy with what he has to offer or the cycle begins again, is that it? When you say the past I think you mean your past with him, but do you also mean his past with exs? I would certainly call 101 and make an appointment to meet with a trained police officer to request information.
It's not you, it's not your fault and lots of women on here can help you see the wood for the trees, having been through similar

[Salunabaluna]

I'd ask say fwiw, that letting go of the is it me questions helps. Establish boundaries that you will never cross with him yourself- IE promise yourself that you will never swear at him or lash out at him; use positively assertive communication; use your therapy sessions and on here to think about what in your past could have lead you to this relationship; and remember if he is abusive and gas lighting you and shows narcissistic traits he will have little self insight, lots of impractical grandiose ideas and very little actual compassion for you. Which will hurt, but no, it's not you.