I went NC with friend but she has been in touch. What to do?

[cardboardtree]

Name changed.

Sorry this is long but I don't want to drip feed.

I had one local friend we had been friends for more than 20 years.
We started out in similar circumstances but our lives have taken different directions, we met at work. Our choice of career was very down to Earth. She married a man who works abroad while she has stayed at home and doesn't work, she has luxurious life but the lack of interaction and challenge in her life has meant she has lost touch with 'real' people and 'real' life. She has become anxious about some every day things, verging on phobic for example; she won't fly anymore, despite having lived abroad for much of her youth so she doesn't visit her DH while he works away even though he would love her to. Flying is a common fear but she has many others too.

5 years ago she had a breakdown, I spent a lot of time with her, going with her to appointments, taking her shopping when she could manage it, taking time off work to help her to make the small steps towards recovery.

She did recover and she is ok now, albeit she still has a raft of fears.

My ExH and I split 3 years ago, at the time I realised I had been living my life as one of those people who gives and give of themselves to the point of exhaustion.
When I stopped running around for everyone else I lost some friends but at the time, post marriage breakdown, I had to concentrate on me and my DCs. I knew not to ask for support from others as my relationships had been built on me doing the giving.

My friend and I remained friends throughout.

2 months ago I was driving along a main road when a car pulled out in front of me from a side road. I was taken to hospital by ambulance with bruising and a broken bone not serious but unpleasant.

The next day I needed a lift home from hospital, so I asked this friend and she said 'no' because it was a beautiful day so she was going to sit in the garden and read.

Of course, she can do what she likes with her time but I have asked very little of her over the years.
I did not give my support to her on a quid pro quo basis but I was in hospital, in pain and didn't have anyone else to ask, I would have given a stranger a lift in those circumstances, let alone a friend.

Afterwards I was upset and decided that should be the end of the friendship, I haven't contacted her since.

Last week her husband sent me a text message, I'm guess he is back in the country on leave saying they 'miss me'.

Should I stick to my guns and stay NC if I can't rely on her when I'm desperate?
Or stay friends with her?

[Lweji]

She didn't seem to have problems reaching out for help previously, so even though it crossed my mind it doesn't look like it was anything other than selfishness.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I agree it's a possibility, minimalist My own "friend" was much the same, though it wasn't just me trying to help; family, employers, other friends, you name it - all of us turned ourselves inside out to support her, with nothing whatsoever coming back

In the end I guess it's down to how much you're prepared to give and keep giving, and whether you can afford to have an "emotional black hole" in your life. Sometimes it all becomes just too much, and it sounds as if OP has reached that stage

[cardboardtree]

minimalist she doesn't have panic attacks, never has and having seen her a few days before the accident and regularly before then I can assure you she wasn't having a low period, not at all. I'm not sure you will believe that though because I think you want to believe that she is vulnerable and I am leaving her in the lurch.

She did know however that I was in desperate need for once and she chose to ignore that.

She does have some anxieties but her breakdown was 5 years ago and anxieties aside, she is now well and functions. During her breakdown she found it difficult to go out anywhere but she has never had any anxieties around driving itself. In the weeks leading up to my accident she had been leading her life and was driving herself to yoga, her spa and to the beach some distance away to name but a few.

This thread has made me take a look back over our relationship and I realise how she has been chipping away at me for many years.

[FeckTheMagicDragon]

Cardboard I honestly don't think anyone believes that you left her in the lurch, or that she was vulnerable. its more they are grasping for reasons as to why she would behave like that. Which is why I asked if she had been in contact at all since your accident.

People can have anxiety issues or phobias and still not be a very nice, or just selfish, person.

Just because someone has issues and has leaned on you (a lot!) does not mean that they can get away with treating you badly.

Personally I think you are right to step far away from it all. Emotional vampires who never give anything back are the worst type of friends, however charming they may seem.

I'm sure she misses you. She probably has no one reliable to prop her up now when she's having a bad day. After all, you have been there to do that for many years.

But if she had truly been remorseful it would have been her that sent that message. Not her husband.

[minimalist000001]

Card - I like to look at things from all angles as problems aren't always clear cut. It hard because we only read one side of the story often on MN. That's not to say your you're wrong in any shape or form. Just trying to dig deeper as it seems such an odd thing for a friend to do.

Why do you think she let you down?

[minimalist000001]

But some people are takers and I have experience two such people close up

[Narp]

What it boils down to for me would be this:

Do I miss her, or do I just feel guilty?

I think that it's the latter, and that's the side of you that you are trying to keep under control.

So I would continue to go NC

[RedMapleLeaf]

Does the OP need resolution?

I think that starting a thread about it suggests that this isn't cut and dried for her. I do feel that a lot of life's problems would be solved if people communicated clearly and kindly rather than playing games or expecting others to read their minds.

[bigrowncoat]

She's a taker, you don't need to feel guilty at all.

She 100% chooses to infantilise herself - it's like she sees you and her husband as people to "parent" her emotionally and financially and practically. Like others have said, he's probably now freaked out because he has to deal with her solo.

(I've witnessed people like this as they age and they NEVER change - you see the people around them with the life sucked out of them)

She will no doubt never change, it's YOU who has moved on and now has higher standards. You owe yourself compassion as well as others.

[flippinada]

coat I've been where you are and understand where you are coming from. You're not in the wrong here, it's very clear that your friend behaved selfishly and hurtfully. The fact it was her husband who texted, rather than her, speaks volumes.

If you feel you must reply (and you absolutely shouldn't feel under any obligation to do so, you do not owe them a response) then something short and to the point, as suggested above along the lines of 'please do not contact me again' is perfectly acceptable. Then block.

And I agree with a PP - use the time and effort you put into do something nice for yourself

[flippinada]

*you put into running round after your friend

[cardboardtree]

minimalist you are right that you do only have my side of the story. I understand you would want to look for reasons for her actions because it seems like an unpleasant thing to do to someone.

bigrown infantalise sums it up. Even though she has no commitments her DH organises payment of all the bills and other practical matters, this is her choice. When we met she was entirely independent but has lost the will to do anything for herself. She has a cleaner and gardener which, of course, is her prerogative but she isn't friends with any other ladies who lunch types either. The result being that she doesn't have anything to do except spend money. I think that it is this aimlessness that was at the root of her breakdown. Everyone needs a purpose.

[Chrysanthemum5]

I think you could send Doreen's text if you wish or just ignore.

I wonder about the DH paying all the bills etc. - that was one way my ex-H used to control me. He took over doing everything and it got to the point where I really wasn't an adult in behaviour. It was awful but on the outside it looked like a perfect life. I'm not saying this is your ex-friend's situation just offering another though.

[springydaffs]

Sorry, haven't rtft but o.m.g. she TOTALLY let you down!

I don't care what her fucking reasons, what a COW! After all you've done for her! You were in desperate need and where the fuck was she?!

Get rid. Totally and for ever. Total deal breaker. She's shown her true colours. You need her like a hole in the head. Leave her to her princess ivory tower.

[MotiSen]

I had similar situation. I'd say ... how about - use her back - not in a mean way - just, we are all human and need people occasionally, and she might come in handy someday... or not - the whole social safety net thing (although she didn't provide much of one when you were in hospital).

Maybe answer ... Miss you, too - taking care of some health stuff (> like physical therapy?anything< you liked about her. If not ... then maybe write her off.

Maybe somehow you can remain friends, but on a different footing - more on your terms? A friend once described people we know as: Low dose, medium dose and high dose - with friends you like most being high dose. Perhaps she can be a low dose friend.

There is the possibility she is mortified that she left you hanging there at hospital to read in the garden.

Best wishes!

[lorelei9]

Wow
This thread has only just come to my attention

I had a friend who let me down in a really similar situation, I'd think we were talking about the same person if you hadn't said her partner works abroad!

For what it's worth, I did have a chat with my so called friend, in spite of other friends and family telling me to sack her off without any clarifying chats

Her excuses were pathetic and it wound up being a pointless conversation
I then sort of went along with seeing her casually a couple of times but I won't bother again

I think some people are so self absorbed they either don't realise when they've let you down or think you'll forgive them

I do think she will either try to meet up again or talk to her friends about how lorelei vanished and it is all unfair to her but I'm past caring
I don't need lots of shallow acquaintances and I prefer a small circle who will at least try to help when shit happens

It's the old "never make a priority of someone who sees you as an option". Don't bother texting anything, it will just open a conversation you don't need to have

[lorelei9]

PS Moti, my former friend would say things like "you never know when you might need that person" but when you've been let down at such a critical time....and it's a weird comment, it all sounds like people using each other instead of natural friendship where you help each other because you want to.

[ForChina]

It doesn't sound like you have got anything out of the friendship for a long time so no, I wouldn't resume contact.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

From what I can see, this "friend" hasn't bothered to contact the OP at all since she stopped contacting her; so that doesn't really suggest any level of "hurt and confusion".
Hurt and confused people try to find out what's happened, what's gone wrong, and then if they're decent people, they try to make amends.

This woman has done none of those things. She's just got her DH to do her dirty work.

I stand by "Ignore" - but if you really feel the need for closure, then one of the short sharp replies that explain she let you down when you really needed her, sent to the DH, followed by "Please don't contact me again" will be enough.

No need for meetings, no need for dialogue and absolutely no need to ever see her again, especially as the OP says she doesn't miss her!

[LuluJakey1]

I would text her husband back to say

'I ended my friendship with X when, after many years of helping and supporting her, I was injured in a car accident in July and asked her if she would give me a lift home from the hospital but she said no as she wanted to sunbathe in the garden as it was a nice day. It was the one time I have asked her for help and that was her response - which sent a very clear message to me about how much care and concern she has for me.Perhaps you are unaware of that. Please don't contact me again, I have no wish to be involved with X any further'.

[QuintShhhhhh]

Lulujakey is spot on

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Yup.

[HermioneWeasley]

Just ignore. It's been months since you've had any contact. You've probably changed your number and haven't even got the text!

Nothing good will come from replying.

[Blu]

It is possible to send a reply with an explanation - LuluJakey's is good - without it opening a conversation.

It is an explanation and a clear signal of your active ending of the relationship - not the start of a negotiation.

[bittapitta]

But sending any reply at all opens up a dialogue which is unwanted. I'd still suggest staying NC. You don't owe her or him a response. He will ask her the circumstances surrounding you going NC and surely she will mention you were in hospital? He will work it out.