I went NC with friend but she has been in touch. What to do?

[cardboardtree]

Name changed.

Sorry this is long but I don't want to drip feed.

I had one local friend we had been friends for more than 20 years.
We started out in similar circumstances but our lives have taken different directions, we met at work. Our choice of career was very down to Earth. She married a man who works abroad while she has stayed at home and doesn't work, she has luxurious life but the lack of interaction and challenge in her life has meant she has lost touch with 'real' people and 'real' life. She has become anxious about some every day things, verging on phobic for example; she won't fly anymore, despite having lived abroad for much of her youth so she doesn't visit her DH while he works away even though he would love her to. Flying is a common fear but she has many others too.

5 years ago she had a breakdown, I spent a lot of time with her, going with her to appointments, taking her shopping when she could manage it, taking time off work to help her to make the small steps towards recovery.

She did recover and she is ok now, albeit she still has a raft of fears.

My ExH and I split 3 years ago, at the time I realised I had been living my life as one of those people who gives and give of themselves to the point of exhaustion.
When I stopped running around for everyone else I lost some friends but at the time, post marriage breakdown, I had to concentrate on me and my DCs. I knew not to ask for support from others as my relationships had been built on me doing the giving.

My friend and I remained friends throughout.

2 months ago I was driving along a main road when a car pulled out in front of me from a side road. I was taken to hospital by ambulance with bruising and a broken bone not serious but unpleasant.

The next day I needed a lift home from hospital, so I asked this friend and she said 'no' because it was a beautiful day so she was going to sit in the garden and read.

Of course, she can do what she likes with her time but I have asked very little of her over the years.
I did not give my support to her on a quid pro quo basis but I was in hospital, in pain and didn't have anyone else to ask, I would have given a stranger a lift in those circumstances, let alone a friend.

Afterwards I was upset and decided that should be the end of the friendship, I haven't contacted her since.

Last week her husband sent me a text message, I'm guess he is back in the country on leave saying they 'miss me'.

Should I stick to my guns and stay NC if I can't rely on her when I'm desperate?
Or stay friends with her?

[BrendaFlange]

Yes, LongTall and Lightening both have good responses.
Just be straightforward.

[WizzardHat]

Definitely stick to your guns, she sounds awful. I liked what Doreen and Josie said, and then just block both of them. Easy to say but they aren't worth more headspace wondering whether or how they will respond.

I hope you're feeling better by now OP.

[Rainuntilseptember]

I knew not to ask for support from others as my relationships had been built on me doing the giving This sentence from the OP stood out for me. Many relationships shift from one thing to another - a friend supports me through fertility problems, then I support her through a relationship breakdown. It's great (in a way) to have the chance to help when you've received help. The OP's friends might not have given her support, but she didn't give them the opportunity. This approach is kind of self-fulfilling.
I would reply to the text as I'd want to call her on the hospital incident.

[Francoitalialan]

Don't block this woman until you've discussed what happened, from both sides, because if you don't, this pattern will repeat itself in other relationships.

[minimalist000001]

OP what where your exact words when you asked for a lift by text

[eddielizzard]

friend has behaved atrociously. the only way i'd consider renewing the friendship is if the friend turned up and apologised in person. the dh texting isn't going to fix this.

i bet they miss you!!! running to her beck and call. now he has to do it all.

continue nc.

[cardboardtree]

I finally got to sleep.

To answer some of the posts on here goddessof it was a while before I could drive and the insurers were good unlikely as that sounds and had paid a fair settlement for the car before I could drive one! I have to see a specialist next month to write a report on my injuries, when I get the money I'm going to save a bit and have a fancy holiday.
You are correct, she didn't text me afterwards to even ask how I was.

When I wrote the OP I though it was long enough, this isn't dripfeeding but I hope this goes some way to answering some of the questions asked.

Friend and I met at work, it wasn't exactly 20 years ago, it was 24. She's a few years older than me. Professionally she took me under her wing and we got on well so we became friends. Our friendship was one of those sitting around in your pyjamas at the weekend types. I was with her on an evening out when she met her DH.
We both have DCs of similar ages who are now adults at least in number
To being with the relationship between us was mutual but with hindsight I can see that things have deteriorated slowly, there had been an element of foreign travel to his work before but it was about 16 years ago that he started these longer contracts abroad. By necessity she became a SAHP and with hindsight I can see that this is when her fears and things started.

I had the accident in the middle of the day on a clear summers day in August. One of the reasons there weren't many people available to give me a lift the next day was that some of them were on holiday, my parents were away, I didn't let them know until their return, they deserve a holiday and couldn't have done anything more than worry about me.

I sent a text to a few people while I was in the ambulance on the way to hospital, including the friend. It left no room for wondering about the seriousness of the accident.

That evening my DB who has a young family and stressful job made a 150 mile round trip to come to see me in hospital. At that point I didn't know the hospital were going to discharge me the next day because they were still looking at my x-rays and tests.

[Saffy101]

P.S. OP...you began your introduction by telling us that you went " NC with a friend." This is the dictionary definition of friend.

a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: of friend.

Doesn't fit does it!!!

She was NEVER a friend, probably not to anybody but herself.

[bobsintime]

If you didn't tell ex-friend why you were annoyed with her and just went NC, then you should make contact and explain why you no longer want to be friends. Deciding you want to end a friendship without telling the other person what's going on is cruel and cowardly. No matter how badly you think the other person behaved, don't lower yourself to their level.

[minimalist000001]

Can't you just tell them what the issue is?

[ARV1981]

She sounds awful, and you're better off out of it.

I don't think you should answer the text. Just ignore it.

Otherwise you'll end up getting sucked back in.

[AyeAmarok]

She is definitely not a friend. You sound lovely and I'd love to have a friend like you.

I'd stay no contact.

[cardboardtree]

Laptop is going haywire so I'm continuing here.

When I had the accident I had been on my way to visit a colleague who is on maternity leave, I was taken to the hospital nearest the accident quite rightly not the one nearest to my house.
The colleague I was visiting came straight to see me in A&E.

Friend didn't respond to my first text about the accident not even to ask if I was ok.

trib no I didn't mean all my friends were shallow users just because this one is.
What I meant was that sometimes you really do find out who your friends are and my marriage breakdown was the catalyst for me. I had been the friend with the kitchen table that everyone would come to and tell me their woes. I was the one who gave lifts to the airport, fed the cats while people went on holiday, looked after their DCs for an hour while they went to the Drs.
When I became the one who needed tea and sympathy it wasn't there for me and I had come to a point in my own life where I couldn't physically give so much of myself anymore so without falling out with anyone I let some friendships fizzle out.
Aside from this friend my other long term friends are spread out across the globe, they were good email support but couldn't be here in person.

Since I went NC I haven't missed this friend. To begin with I was recovering, I did feel angry for a while but I think I've just let it go.

[CalonDu]

if you don't miss her, and your life doesn't feel depleted without her company, I'd send one of the excellent polite but factual texts suggested above and move on.

One thing though - do her anxious fears now include driving on her own/at rush hour/in town? Not that I think she's been anything other than breathtakingly selfish but it might 'explain' why she couldn't manage to do such a basic favour for a friend, and came out with such a ridiculous reason for not doing it. Telling her husband why you're no longer in touch might prompt her to admit to him that she's increasingly isolating herself and needs some help.

Although if she's managing to drive herself to her spa for pool sessions, this may not be the case. I'm feeling very Pollyanna this morning.

[minimalist000001]

It's perfectly great to be a SAHM. I suspect she was always quietly an anxious person though. Having a family has just highlighted this aspect

I agree that traumatic events sort who your real friends are. I would give someone the push after a couple of critical selfish incidents rather then a one off which could be a mishap. You know her best.

[lougle]

Did you ask her directly for a lift home from the hospital?

[Lweji]

Surely this friend could easily have tried to contact the OP since then, which means it's hardly a one incident.

[lunar1]

I wouldn't reply either, life is to short for so much drama. You have helped her so much and she can't even find a good reason not to pick you up and help!

You weren't even worth making up a decent excuse to her. Her husband is texting because he will have to deal with more of her crap if you are out of the picture.

[cardboardtree]

Yes lougle my text to ask for a lift was unambiguous. I know she read it and received it because we both have iPhones so you can see when someone has read your iMessage.

[OwlFeathersFluff]

It sounds like a toxic friendship, from which you get nothing, and give endlessly.

Anxiety is horrible for her, but there was no excuse not to contact you after the accident at all. I would just leave it.

Well done for finding the strength to look after yourself for a change. That can be a liberating feeling.

[FidgetJonesDiary]

Cardboardtree I had a friend like this. I strongly advise NC. Life is too short to be used. My friends H contacted me and I explained very tactfully why I wanted NC. I think he'd had enough of her too as they divorced a year later. It's very disappointing when someone lets you down in your hour of need, especially when you are a giver. OP you sound lovely so surround yourself with equally lovely people

[cardboardtree]

minimalist of course being a SAHP is perfectly great, everyone should do what works for them but it wasn't having a family that made her anxious, her children were born long before the anxiety began.

[RedMapleLeaf]

Why don't you just tell him why you're not in touch any more? "I was hurt that when I really needed a lift from the hospital from Friend she told me she was choosing to relax in her garden instead"

[Dragonsdaughter]

Because it opens up communications and will start justifications and shit - the op does not miss the friend and its not even the friend who has communicated with her - just the husband who is probably looking to dread thevcload

[RandomMess]

TBH I'd be tempted to reply to the DH and your former "friend".

"I asked for 2 hours of your time when I was in real need, in a lot of pain and quite desperate. However sitting in the garden reading your book was more important. You didn't even ask how I was following a serious RTA. You really aren't a friend to me, please do not contact me again"

Then block their numbers.

I think her DH does need to know why you have drifted away tbh.