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Relationships

I went NC with friend but she has been in touch. What to do?

145 replies

cardboardtree · 24/10/2015 01:11

Name changed.

Sorry this is long but I don't want to drip feed.

I had one local friend we had been friends for more than 20 years.
We started out in similar circumstances but our lives have taken different directions, we met at work. Our choice of career was very down to Earth. She married a man who works abroad while she has stayed at home and doesn't work, she has luxurious life but the lack of interaction and challenge in her life has meant she has lost touch with 'real' people and 'real' life. She has become anxious about some every day things, verging on phobic for example; she won't fly anymore, despite having lived abroad for much of her youth so she doesn't visit her DH while he works away even though he would love her to. Flying is a common fear but she has many others too.

5 years ago she had a breakdown, I spent a lot of time with her, going with her to appointments, taking her shopping when she could manage it, taking time off work to help her to make the small steps towards recovery.

She did recover and she is ok now, albeit she still has a raft of fears.

My ExH and I split 3 years ago, at the time I realised I had been living my life as one of those people who gives and give of themselves to the point of exhaustion.
When I stopped running around for everyone else I lost some friends but at the time, post marriage breakdown, I had to concentrate on me and my DCs. I knew not to ask for support from others as my relationships had been built on me doing the giving.

My friend and I remained friends throughout.

2 months ago I was driving along a main road when a car pulled out in front of me from a side road. I was taken to hospital by ambulance with bruising and a broken bone not serious but unpleasant.

The next day I needed a lift home from hospital, so I asked this friend and she said 'no' because it was a beautiful day so she was going to sit in the garden and read.

Of course, she can do what she likes with her time but I have asked very little of her over the years.
I did not give my support to her on a quid pro quo basis but I was in hospital, in pain and didn't have anyone else to ask, I would have given a stranger a lift in those circumstances, let alone a friend.

Afterwards I was upset and decided that should be the end of the friendship, I haven't contacted her since.

Last week her husband sent me a text message, I'm guess he is back in the country on leave saying they 'miss me'.

Should I stick to my guns and stay NC if I can't rely on her when I'm desperate?
Or stay friends with her?

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OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 26/10/2015 15:37

who cares if she gets a message back? All she needs to do is say "I've explained, I don't see her the same way, I wish you luck but don't wish to discuss this more"

I think if you've known her 20 years and her husband texts you it's reasonable to give a (brief) explanation. Then to draw a line under it.