I went NC with friend but she has been in touch. What to do?

[cardboardtree]

Name changed.

Sorry this is long but I don't want to drip feed.

I had one local friend we had been friends for more than 20 years.
We started out in similar circumstances but our lives have taken different directions, we met at work. Our choice of career was very down to Earth. She married a man who works abroad while she has stayed at home and doesn't work, she has luxurious life but the lack of interaction and challenge in her life has meant she has lost touch with 'real' people and 'real' life. She has become anxious about some every day things, verging on phobic for example; she won't fly anymore, despite having lived abroad for much of her youth so she doesn't visit her DH while he works away even though he would love her to. Flying is a common fear but she has many others too.

5 years ago she had a breakdown, I spent a lot of time with her, going with her to appointments, taking her shopping when she could manage it, taking time off work to help her to make the small steps towards recovery.

She did recover and she is ok now, albeit she still has a raft of fears.

My ExH and I split 3 years ago, at the time I realised I had been living my life as one of those people who gives and give of themselves to the point of exhaustion.
When I stopped running around for everyone else I lost some friends but at the time, post marriage breakdown, I had to concentrate on me and my DCs. I knew not to ask for support from others as my relationships had been built on me doing the giving.

My friend and I remained friends throughout.

2 months ago I was driving along a main road when a car pulled out in front of me from a side road. I was taken to hospital by ambulance with bruising and a broken bone not serious but unpleasant.

The next day I needed a lift home from hospital, so I asked this friend and she said 'no' because it was a beautiful day so she was going to sit in the garden and read.

Of course, she can do what she likes with her time but I have asked very little of her over the years.
I did not give my support to her on a quid pro quo basis but I was in hospital, in pain and didn't have anyone else to ask, I would have given a stranger a lift in those circumstances, let alone a friend.

Afterwards I was upset and decided that should be the end of the friendship, I haven't contacted her since.

Last week her husband sent me a text message, I'm guess he is back in the country on leave saying they 'miss me'.

Should I stick to my guns and stay NC if I can't rely on her when I'm desperate?
Or stay friends with her?

[kittybiscuits]

*wonders if some of the posters on this thread are using hallucinogens

[Walkacrossthesand]

Optimist1 - 'The next day I needed a lift home from hospital, so I asked this friend and she said 'no' because it was a beautiful day so she was going to sit in the sun and read'. The response made OP cry. That sounds like a fairly explicit request, clearly refused, not a misread hint or cue.

[trian]

I couldn't believe it when I read what she said in response to you asking for a lift, after all you'd done for her! i really don't agree with minimalist and optimist, I know we only have your side of the story but you do seem to state a lot of things that are indisputable (unless they're downright lies, which I doubt). You're talking about the factual things that you did to support her, for example, not saying "i was really supportive" and leaving us all to wonder whether you just said "there, there" and patted her on the shoulder as opposed to all the stuff that you actually did do.

I think radio silence is defo you're best option. The only other one that doesn't involve you selling out your self worth is to address the issue of her selfishness with her, and that would take a hell of a lot of effort (probably to the extent that it would detract from your kids) and most likely not be worth it as she sounds completely deluded. The other thing that would make it almost impossible is the fact that she has all these "fears"....unfortunately we live in a world where too much credence is given to crap psychologists etc who endorse this kind of behaviour (albeit that a particular genetic predisposition may exist and she may have it), as opposed to good psychologists etc who would tactfully point out to her that these "fears" have arisen due to the lifestyle she has chosen, so she can choose another lifestyle, with support, that will alleviate/banish the fears. Even if she does have a genetic predisposition it's just that, a predisposition, not a foregone conclusion.

I bet there are quite a few other people in your life who deserve and would appreciate the attention that would be wasted on her. You never know, remaining NC may be the wake up call she obviously needs to start sorting her attitude and life out.

good luck OP xxxx

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Oddly I have been in a similar situation to the ex-friend.

A friend of mine, who hasn't done me a huge number of favours like the OP has, but who is still a good friend, damaged her ankle, ? broken. Her DH could have taken her to the hospital but they had 3 small children and it sounded like a nightmare to deal with, so I offered to drive over and take her to the hospital, stay with her while they worked out if she'd broken it and then bring her home.
I can't remember what the weather was like, because, frankly, that's an irrelevance when a friend is hurt and in need of help.

[Scoobydoo8]

I would say life is too short for this malarkey.

Imagine - you txt the DH, he doesn't reply? What now?? more mind wasting time for you

you txt her DH - he invites your round, What then?? you have a friendship via the DH only, she actually doesn't want you ?? more mind wasting time for you

you send her a long email explaining, she doesn't reply? what then - more mind wasting time for you.

Ignore it, time to move on.

[sparkly72]

I would hope the point of nc is to remove the stress - which sadly seems to still be present.
I guess you could remain in contact but give yourself permission to say no to your friend every time she asks for something?
I'm at her bare faced honesty of choosing to sit in the garden and read rather than help you out, I'm also that she didn't do anything to make sure you were ok. She sounds totally self absorbed a real bitch and you sound a lovely friend.
Her and her DH don't deserve to have you in their lives

[ajandjjmum]

Reply saying 'friendship is a two way street, and I'm no longer prepared for it to work in one direction only.'

[MrsCampbellBlack]

I bet she hasn't told her DH what happened but rather painted some sob story for him.

I'd just text him back the simple facts of what happened and leave it at that.

[BrendaFlange]

What did you get out of the friendship? What made the friendship worthwhile for you? Would those qualities still hold true?

Her behaviour was uncaring of you beyond belief, but in finishing a friendship of 20 years I would state that and give the explanation rather than just ignore. Has she not made any attempt to contact you in the intervening months? Which suggests that contact always came from you?

Tell her that her reaction to your request for help when you were injured, alone, stranded, shocked from an accident and in pain, hurt you badly and made you realize that what you had was not friendship so you see no reason to remain in touch. Take control and tell her, via him if you like. But one person's 'NC' is another person's 'huff'. Be clear. She needs to know what she has done.

[bittapitta]

It is so tempting to reply OP but stay strong and NC. I've broken a similar "friendship" in the past and I still play out occasionally how I might better have explained to her why I went NC but it wouldn't have made aa blind bit of difference, she was so self-absorbed that she wouldn't have understood or listened. Hope you recover well. It's hard but it will get easier.

[bittapitta]

Scooby explains it well upthread. I am still frustrated that I didn't get a chance to "explain" to the person I went NC with but she'd caused me so much stress it would've just prolonged that. Look after yourself.

[DoreenLethal]

I would not maintain radio silence, the husband got himself involved and so i would respond 'i was in a car accident and the one thing i have ever asked your wife to do, which was to give me a lift home, she refused saying she was going to sit and read in the garden. Your wife has her priorities and i am not one. Good day to you sir'.

[BastardGoDarkly]

Yes, what Dorreen suggests is perfect.

[tribpot]

I would just ignore it. A text is not a meaningful attempt at contact. Whatever her issues, she has chosen to be selfish and thoughtless as a friend and given you need to work on your self-esteem, further contact with her is not healthy for you.

This made me sad: I knew not to ask for support from others as my relationships had been built on me doing the giving. Do you mean you assumed all of your friends were shallow users just because this one is? There will always be people who are willing to help. And I have learnt that there is no shame in taking people's help when it's offered. I think you went for the 'I am a rock, I am an island' philosophy of neither giving nor receiving help. You should aim to do both, but to be more discerning about who you choose to give help to and receive help from.

Scooby is right, if you text back you give them the power to not respond, and then you're even more frustrated about the whole thing. NC is the right thing for you.

[BrendaFlange]

For me one of the things about being able to give and ask for help is the ability to express your needs and feelings. If you sit around waiting for someone to 'discern' you run the risk of feeling "I knew not to ask for support from others as my relationships had been built on me doing the giving.". There is something in that that can feel needy.

That is why on this occasion, instead of making no contact and sitting in your corner feeling hurt and bruised you fight back, or at least take the foot forward to simply explain why, put your side of things, as she has been so keen to do with all her fears etc.

Just say. Along the lines of Doreen's text to the DH, if you like. You don't have to respond any further after that.

I have a friend who makes helping people part of what feeds her, and it is exhausting, to be honest. She offers help because she needs to, not because I want or need it. That's what I meant by 'needy'. In the case of your hospital trip behaviour was selfish and uncaring beyond belief. But in your wider dynamic of being the helper - look at it or you may find yourself in the same situation again.

Take care of yourself, OP, and I hope the bruising, bines and shock are subsiding.

[K1mberly]

Ignore . And I'm sorry for what you have been through , it sounds very hurtful . I can tell you have not gone NC lightly .

[Francoitalialan]

OP what did you actually text to your friend? Exact words?

I ask because if you're generally someone who gets used, it might be a lack of assertion on your part, contributing to a misunderstanding on theirs.

[Lweji]

A text is not a meaningful attempt at contact.
Particularly when from her DH and not even her.

I think I'd just reply wishing him a nice stay. And if he probes further, I'd say that I didn't wish to stay in touch with people who I helped extensively and couldn't be bothered to help back the one time.

I admit I was feeling generous initially and maybe think she gave an excuse when she was maybe actually stressed about going out on her own to fetch you. But she doesn't seem to have problems voicing her issues otherwise. The alternative is that she was doing something else and she didn't want you to find out. and I might relate it to her OH being away to long periods of time, but that's probably unfair

[Saffy101]

Well Done OP! it takes a certain maturity as well as a shock to make us realise that the person we believed to be a friend was actually just a parasite all these years and "dump" them! You should after a length of time start to feel that you have done the right thing, because you have! It might help to list the things in the past few years that you have done out of friendship for her and then a list that she has done for you....just see if there is anything on it....that will help you to remember how unbalanced your relationship was. All relationships need a certain amount of balance to work.

[stolemyusername]

I think her DH is trying to fix things so that he can carry on skipping off on his oversea trips while someone else deals with her issues.

I'd put money on her having wanted support and that he has had to do it whilst being away. You sound too nice (and her far to selfish), to be dragged down by them

[lighteningirl]

I would reply saying I am very surprised to hear this from you. Exfriend has actually upset me, I was in hospital after a car accident and couldn't drive, I asked for a lift home and was told no it was a sunny day and she wanted to sit in the garden and read. I. Managed to struggle home and am now over my broken foot, fully recovered and no longer require her help, good wishes or company please delete my number and tell her I hope she enjoyed the book and the weather stays fine.

[chrome100]

It depends. Do you miss her? Do you want to be her friend? If so, I'd let bygones be bygones. Life is too short to hold grudges, no matter how justified they are. If you want to be friends, get back in touch.

[Longtalljosie]

Just tell the truth simply.

"I stopped contacting xxx after she told me she wouldn't pick me up from the hospital because it was a nice day and she wanted to read in the garden. I won't change my mind or respond to any more texts"

[BoffinMum]

What Longtalljosie said. She isn't worth it.

[FruVikingessOla]

I bet she didn't tell her DH about the hospital incident; in fact, I bet it barely registers with her as something of any importance now - maybe she's totally forgotten it?

I agree with PPs suggestions of a factual reply to her DH.